Chapter Twelve
Dagmar
D agmar adjusted James’s sweater around her shoulders. It smelled of his expensive cologne and she imagined falling asleep with this on. Where might her dreams take her? But dreams were the only place she could go with James. He wasn’t going anywhere with her in the physical world. Nope. His path was with Lady Victoria, and every word he said cemented that thought.
‘It wasn’t all bad then,’ she said quietly.
‘It was actually ok. The riding part anyway. I mean, I didn’t fall off.’ James gave her a small smile. ‘Though I think she liked me more than I liked her.’
‘Don’t you know how hard it is to find a partner if you’re into horses and shows? Victoria will want someone who’ll understand and support the hours, days, weeks and money that goes into horse shows. I’m lucky I can practise as part of my job. But look at what I sacrifice to make the money.’ She indicated the trailer. This was how she existed to afford to live her dream. ‘Victoria won’t want that. She wants someone who can keep her in the style she’s used to and fund her hobby.’
James nodded. ‘That makes sense then. I wondered what was in it for her. But I can work with that.’
‘I’m sure you can. Aren’t all the ladies around here after your bank details?’
He smirked and shook his head, staring into the flames. ‘It seems so, but I still haven’t bribed any of them hard enough, it appears.’
‘Maybe once they meet you, they decide it’s not worth it.’
‘Ouch.’
Dagmar gave a little snort. ‘Yeah, sorry. That was uncalled for.’
‘But very possibly true.’ He gave her a look that told her he found this conversation amusing rather than insulting, which was good because she’d meant it more as banter than as something to upset him. It was an alien concept to her as she rarely bantered with anyone, except maybe Brann or the farrier – both of them usually instigated it and invited it.
‘What about you?’ he asked. ‘Who can we find for you? Someone who knows their stuff about horses.’
‘I’m too busy just now.’ She fiddled with her hair.
James rolled up his sleeves, exposing his forearms, then unbuttoned his shirt. ‘This fire is actually really warm.’
Dagmar’s eyes were drawn to him. The muscles in his arms flexed as he moved. She became fixated on the rise and fall of his chest, the open collar giving her a glimpse of the skin beneath, covered in a light dusting of hair.
‘You should make time for yourself.’ He locked his eyes on her. ‘You can’t always be a slave to the horses. You’re allowed some time for you.’
‘Um, yeah, but I…’ She avoided his gaze. She didn’t want to delve into her personal life, especially not with him. ‘I’m happy on my own.’
‘Fair enough. I can definitely see the benefits of being single.’ He gazed into the fire. ‘I just… Well, miss company.’
Dagmar nodded, her eyes still on his forearms. They were well-toned and looked strong. Her focus wandered upwards. The firelight played on his skin, accentuating his sharp jaw. He’d always been a good-looking guy, even as a teenager, but as a man, he was gorgeous. What would it feel like to touch him, to feel the warmth of his skin under her fingers?
‘This may sound shallow, but I miss… you know.’ He gave a little shrug. ‘Physical stuff as well as emotional stuff. But I don’t like sleeping around. Hookups aren’t my thing.’
Dagmar swallowed. Why the hell was he talking about stuff like this?
‘Well, maybe Victoria will be the one to scratch that itch.’ She’d heard rumours that Victoria liked to put it about a bit, but as these stories came from jealous people at horse shows, Dagmar wasn’t sure she believed them, and she definitely didn’t want to sully Victoria’s name to James without proof or at least giving her the chance to defend herself.
He huffed out a laugh. ‘Yeah, maybe. I just don’t feel it. I wish I did. It was exactly the same with Ophelia. I tried. I really did.’
‘If it’s any consolation, I don’t think she liked you either.’
James chuckled and shook his head. ‘Thanks for the reminder.’ He leaned back, stretching out his legs and sighing. ‘How the hell did we get talking about this?’
‘You started it.’ She gave a little shrug.
‘I wish you and I had got on better at school.’
‘I didn’t not get on with you. Or anyone. People just didn’t like me.’
‘I know. And I hate that. Because I missed a good friend in you. You’re a good listener and you’ve really helped me with the lessons, even though I know you didn’t want to initially. Not that I blame you. I must have been such a dick at school.’
‘You were.’
‘Thanks.’ He cast her a wry smile. ‘I occasionally tried to talk to you, but you were having none of it. And quite rightly. My friends were such twats. I can’t apologise enough, but I’d like to think we could be friends now. Or maybe you still think I’m a total dick.’
‘Only a partial one.’
He gave a low chuckle. ‘An improvement then. I’ll take it.’
She sighed, throwing him a little grin.
‘Friends then?’ He raised an eyebrow in her direction.
‘Sure.’
Friends. Wow. She’d never really had friends, but the idea of having James as a friend was better than the alternative… Nothing. She’d never managed a romantic relationship, but maybe she could do a platonic one.
She glanced up at the sky. The clouds were thickening, and a chill crept into the air. She shivered slightly and pulled James’s sweater tighter around her shoulders. The warmth from the expensive, very soft wool, combined with his lingering scent, made her a little lightheaded.
‘It’s getting cold.’ She glanced at James. ‘Maybe you should head home before it gets worse.’
He nodded, rubbing his hands together. ‘Yeah, I guess. I’m sorry to have bothered you. I feel like I’ve wasted your time.’
‘It’s fine. Maybe you should do some further reading on eventing.’
He flashed her his most beautiful smile. Even without his money, it was no wonder Victoria was charmed by him. Who wouldn’t be? ‘I’ll do that, Miss Inkenstein.’
Dagmar relaxed and allowed herself to return his smile briefly. ‘Make sure you do, Charlottetown.’ Why did she always feel if she gave in, she’d lost? Lost what? Her dignity? Her determination to hate him for what had happened at school? She wasn’t sure, but dropping her guard and letting him in even a little bit made her heart quicken and her chest tighten, until she wasn’t sure she could breathe. Maybe it had not so much to do with the actual letting him in and more to do with the aftermath. Where would things go? Or where would she like them to? Just as well he wasn’t interested in her because if he was, everything she was feeling would explode.
How could she bear him finding out she’d never been with anyone all her life? Most men would either run a mile at the thought or consider themselves something special. Far easier just to keep him at arm’s length and try not to let these thoughts enter her head.
Perhaps a more experienced woman would ask him to come inside and take things from there. After all, he wasn’t actually dating Victoria. Not yet. But even the thought of inviting him into her cramped trailer made her uneasy. She didn’t want her life laid bare before him when he already thought her mad for living like this.
‘I’ll see you tomorrow, then. If you want to ride, that is.’ She stood up and brushed off her jeans.
James got to his feet and stretched, giving her a warm smile. ‘Sure, I do. And sorry I bothered you.’
‘It’s fine.’ Part of her didn’t want him to go anywhere. How much nicer would it be if he were to stay? She didn’t really do hugs. Only with her mum, but she kind of wanted one right now. From him. Wouldn’t it feel good sitting here, cosied up in his arms? But that wasn’t for her.
‘Take care, Dagmar. And thanks.’ He gave her a little pat on the arm, holding his hand there for a moment. She glanced at the spot, frowning. A desire to seize him tore through her, but she didn’t dare. He raised his hand into a little wave, and she watched him walking back up the path beside the paddock. He stopped there and chatted with the horses. Conker moseyed over to see him. Sweet. They had a nice little bond going on.
Once he was out of sight, Dagmar went to the loo and brushed her teeth before heading into the trailer. As soon as she closed the door, she slumped onto the little couch and put her head in her hands. Living like this wasn’t normal. It was like camping every single day. She should have a house with a proper kitchen and bathroom. A bedroom that wasn’t just an extension of the seating area.
Tears pricked at the corners of her eyes. She was stuck in a rut and had no idea how to get out. If it got really bad, she could go back to living with her mum, but she liked her independence and didn’t want to be a burden on her mum, who already had so many things to worry about. It was also so much further away. And she’d already discovered that she needed to be onsite all the time, or something was bound to happen when she wasn’t there.
The wind rattled past the trailer, and Dagmar shivered. Cold was seeping into her bones. She needed to change into her jammies, pull out the bed and get under the covers with a hot water bottle. Once she was warm and curled up with a good book, she’d be fine. Her hand brushed something soft. James’s sweater. She still had it around her shoulders. She placed it on the table and changed for bed, then set the kettle to boil. As she waited, she lifted the sweater and hugged it close for a moment, then she slipped it on over her pyjamas. It was too big, but it was warm, and it smelled like him.
She filled her hot water bottle, climbed into bed, and pulled the covers up to her chin. The sweater was a small piece of James keeping her safe. She closed her eyes and breathed it in, imagining he was lying beside her, holding her tight. His warm hands soothed over her skin and he kissed her tears away. Later, he might kiss her some more. On her lips, her neck, her shoulders, her breasts, her belly button, an even more intimate place. She moaned at the thought, her mind supplying images and partial sensations of what it might feel like. Would she ever find out for real?
The new day brought new energy. Dagmar couldn’t believe she’d been such a mope the previous night. She mustn’t let herself get too taken with James. Shaking off the thoughts of him, she quickly dressed and headed out to get things sorted at the stables.
The morning air was crisp and cool, the sky a clear blue promising a bright day ahead. She started with feeding the horses, each one nuzzling her for treats and attention. As she was filling the hay nets, the sound of a car pulling up caught her attention. Lots of people rode on Sunday mornings, so it was nothing unusual for cars to arrive, but her starved heart woke a fraction at the idea that it might be James. Would he arrive early, even on a Sunday? Or was he making the most of the weekend and having a lie in? She wouldn’t blame him. When was the last time she’d had one of them?
‘Morning, Dagmar.’ Ophelia strolled into the stables, looking like a million dollars, as always.
‘Hi.’ Dagmar frowned. What on earth brought her here this early on a Sunday? Wasn’t she enjoying a lazy morning with Brann?
‘I’m really sorry to do this now, but I’ve been so busy I haven’t had a chance to talk to you.’
Dagmar’s stomach tightened. ‘What about?’
‘The new staff.’
‘Oh,’ Dagmar said. She’d temporarily forgotten about that. Maybe a little on purpose. ‘I see.’
Ophelia reached out and touched her arm lightly. ‘Listen, I get it. I’ve known you for a long time. You do a great job, and I know you like autonomy and doing things by yourself, but that really isn’t an option anymore. It’s too much for one person, especially with all the horses we have. I’m expecting a new arrival for the last space later today.’ She let out a sigh. ‘From what I’ve heard through the grapevine, it’s a tricky horse with even trickier owners. I need to set out the ground rules firmly. But that’s by the by. The important thing is to make sure we’re properly staffed here. You can’t do all this by yourself. I’ll get pulled up by employment law if I allow it.’
Dagmar nodded, her mind racing. How could she counter that?
‘Also, your trailer.’
‘What about it? Do you want me to move it?’ Maybe it was a bit of an eyesore.
‘No, but I can offer you one of the worker’s cottages now. Brann says they’re all ready. I hate the thought of you living like that. I know how dedicated you are and believe me, I appreciate it. If it hadn’t been for you, this place would have died a slow and painful death in the years I was away.’
‘I’m not sure I can afford a cottage, and they’re too far from the field. I won’t be able to see everything.’
‘But that’s ok. You don’t have to be here all the time. If we have another member of staff, you can work proper shifts, take time off. If there’s an emergency when you’re not here, I’ll be around, and so will Barbara. She’s in the estate office most days, and I’m here most evenings. There will always be people around, and Brann is going to arrange for CCTV to be installed. It’s different from how it was before I came back. We’ve got the estate working again. You’ve been a big part of that, but I don’t want you to feel the burden of being solely responsible for the horses.’
Dagmar glanced away and bit her lip. Sometimes it was a burden. She couldn’t deny it, but it had been her life for so long.
‘And as for paying for a cottage, I wouldn’t expect it. I never did,’ Ophelia said. ‘It would all be part of the deal; I thought I’d said that before.’
Dagmar wasn’t sure that she had, or maybe Dagmar just hadn’t listened – or simply heard what she wanted to hear.
‘We need to negotiate and find something that works for both of us,’ Ophelia went on. ‘When I interview new staff, you’ll be with me, and we won’t hire anyone unless it’s someone you agree on. We’ll find someone who respects your methods and works under your guidance. You’ll still be in control.’
Dagmar sighed, blinking away errant tears. Why was she so emotional these past few days? ‘Ok.’ What else could she say? But everything was changing, and it felt like a landslide ready to wash her away.
‘Hey.’ Ophelia put her hand on Dagmar’s arm. ‘Why don’t we grab a coffee or something? We can chat, not about work, unless that’s what you want. I feel like we never get a moment to speak properly.’
Dagmar finally met Ophelia’s eyes. ‘Ok.’
‘Great.’ Ophelia led the way into the little office and put on the kettle. ‘Let me know about the cottage. There’s no rush, but I think you’ll like it. It’ll be a lot more comfortable than the trailer.’
No doubt it would, and wasn’t that exactly what she’d wished for last night?
‘How’s James getting on with his riding?’ Ophelia poured boiling water into two mugs.
‘Oh… He’s pretty good actually.’
‘Amazing.’ Ophelia handed Dagmar a mug. ‘I heard an interesting rumour about him.’
‘Did you?’
‘Yes. Apparently, he and Lady Victoria Bruce are an item.’ She sipped on her coffee. ‘Honestly, James is a nice guy. I like him, though I never wanted there to be anything between us. I tried to make that scenario work, but he just wasn’t for me. But now I hear about him chasing Victoria, it makes me wonder about him. And his family. They’re chasing status, even though they have more money than the earl.’
‘I imagine Victoria would like someone with a lot of money.’
‘You’re not wrong. But get this, I’ve heard he’s not the only man she’s got her sights on. I heard she’s keeping her options open and that she’s got her eye on some banker from London.’
That didn’t surprise Dagmar in the least. But was James aware?
‘Not sure if James knows he has competition.’ Ophelia’s words echoed Dagmar’s thoughts.
‘I’m sure he’ll find someone else.’ Dagmar sipped her coffee. With his money and charm, he’d have no trouble. ‘He attracts people like that.’
‘Yeah, people who have families like me – and Victoria. For long enough, I thought I’d have to marry someone for their money. A sad thought in this day and age.’
‘What changed your mind?’
‘Brann.’ She let out a little laugh. ‘He was the one that…’ She looked away and her cheeks glowed pink. ‘It sounds clichéd, but he was the one who set my world on fire. Every time he came near me, I wanted to murder him. Until I realised that wasn’t what I wanted to do at all. I hated the fact I couldn’t have him, not him . Once I sorted that out, I knew I had to find a way, because I didn’t want to live without him.’
‘That’s so nice.’ Dagmar cradled her mug. She’d never had anyone set her world on fire. Maybe she wasn’t flammable. Her mind wandered back to James – unsurprisingly. He definitely affected her, but was that just because he was, as Ophelia had observed, a nice man? And Dagmar was so unused to men paying her any attention that when one did, she read more into it. But when she’d had his sweater on last night, she’d felt more – on her part at least. An awakening desire.
What to do about it?
Ophelia looked out the window at the sound of voices in the yard. ‘It’s Kristi and Caitlin. I should go out and see them. Brann’s got some stuff he wants Caitlin to look at. If she’s got a minute, I’ll run her up to the house to have a look.’
Dagmar followed her out, as it seemed silly staying in the office on her own when she had other jobs to be doing. She watched Ophelia greet Kristi and Caitlin and laugh with them. The dynamics of this relationship intrigued Dagmar so much. Neither Kristi nor Ophelia seemed to dislike the other, despite the fact that Ophelia was now with Kristi’s ex. They were so unlike how exes and new girlfriends were portrayed in books and on TV.
Ophelia and Caitlin hurried off towards the car park and Kristi ambled over to Dagmar, who was still clutching her mug.
‘Hey.’ Kristi ran her nails through her long red hair. ‘How are you getting on?’
‘Not bad.’
‘Well, whatever you do with Caitlin, it’s working. She loves coming here. She talks about it all the time. If she was just a little older, I’d love her to go for the job. I know Ophelia wants someone with experience, but she’d learn, and she’s enthusiastic.’
‘She’d actually be ideal.’ Dagmar drained her coffee, more for something to do than because she actually wanted it. ‘I’d prefer someone I can train over someone who has their own ways. I wouldn’t want to clash with someone.’
‘Makes sense,’ Kristi said. ‘But she’s only sixteen, though she’ll be seventeen later in the year.’
Dagmar raised an eyebrow. ‘About the same age I was when I first started working here.’
‘Really?’
‘Yup.’
Kristi frowned and shook her head. ‘And who trained you? Or did you learn all this yourself?’
Dagmar let out a sigh. ‘I had lessons when I was young, and latterly I taught myself. I also did an Open University course, but there was a stable manager here before me who knew loads and I learned a lot from her. She couldn’t stand Jacinta though – you know, Ophelia’s stepmother – so she left.’
‘Oh her. I get that. She’s an odd one.’
‘Yeah, she can be a strange lady sometimes, though she doesn’t come up here anything like as much as she used to.’
‘Probably scared of Ophelia.’ Kristi grinned. ‘She’s a lovely person, but she can be a bit terrifying.’
Dagmar smiled, and it almost came out as a laugh. Coming from a woman who looked like a goth rockstar it was quite amusing to think she found Ophelia terrifying, though Dagmar knew exactly what she meant.
‘How’s it going with the man you didn’t want to give lessons to? Did you ever sort that out?’ Kristi asked.
‘Yeah. He’s getting the lessons.’
Kristi folded her arms and raised her very dark eyebrow over her heavily pencilled eyes. She had a proper don’t-cross-me look that made Dagmar draw back – just as well Kristi and Ophelia got on well; they could both be intimidating in their own way. ‘I hope he’s treating you nicely. I remember you saying he’d been a dick at school.’
‘He seems a bit better, thanks.’
‘I’m glad to hear it. Just don’t take any shit from him. And did you find out why he wanted lessons?’
She gave a little shrug. ‘Just interested in improving, I think.’
‘Well, I’m glad it’s worked out.’ Kristi gave her a pat on the arm. ‘You looked a bit sad the last time I saw you.’
Dagmar bobbed her head a little. ‘Yeah.’ Even now, her heart ached. She ignored it for the most part, but it was always there, and recently that pain had escalated from dull ache to sharp twinges. And it all seemed to coincide with James Charlton returning to her life.