Chapter Twenty-Nine
Dagmar
D agmar lay in bed, staring at a large damp patch on the ceiling of her mum’s cottage. The whole place was rundown and needed a massive cash injection to get it sorted. Cash they didn’t have and were unlikely ever to have. Money didn’t grow on trees, or in cafes or stables, for that matter. Closing her eyes, she wished she could open them and everything would right itself. Her mum would still have the café, and customers would flock to it. This house would get the renovations it needed. And she and James would have a chance together. She squeezed her eyelids shut, then popped them open. Maybe they still did, but her head was too sore and filled with such topsy-turvy and uncertain thoughts she couldn’t see how. The only things she knew for sure was that she couldn’t face the stables in this state. Rarely in her life had she called in sick to work, but today she’d have to. Ophelia would have to sort out the horses. Between her, Caitlin, and Francesca, they’d no doubt manage something. Guilty acid burned in Dagmar’s stomach as she reached for her phone. Her head pounded at the movement, and she could hardly focus on the screen. Back in her high school years, she’d have taken days off all the time if she could. But Dotty had been a single parent with a café to run and wasn’t always able to be around. When Dagmar was older and allowed to stay home by herself, she felt constantly guilty if she was off sick, though it was often better than facing the bullies. She knew in her heart some of the times she’d complained of headaches or tummy aches was because she didn’t want to face certain people.
But this was horribly real.
She typed out a message to Ophelia.
DAGMAR: Sorry I can’t come in today. I’ve got a thumping migraine.
She hit send and put the phone down. Done . Hopefully, Ophelia would see it soon and wouldn’t feel the need to call her about anything. Dagmar didn’t fancy having to explain herself or speak at all. The pain was so bad she might throw up. The thought of missing the horses made her insides ache. Would Caitlin remember to check the fences? What if she forgot and Stroman got out? Wouldn’t that just be the thing to happen when Dagmar wasn’t there?
Perhaps she should message Caitlin too and remind her.
She sighed. No. She couldn’t do that. She couldn’t face looking at the screen at all. Plus, this was good practice for Caitlin – assuming she definitely wanted the job and that she got good results in her exams.
But that was a thought for another time. Dagmar needed to stop thinking and try to get some balance back in her mind.
Downstairs, the clatter of plates and clink of cups told her Dotty was up and about. Dagmar closed her eyes, willing everything to go blank and for the pain to stop. She lay like that for some time, breathing deeply as waves of nausea rolled over her.
A creaking on the stairs was followed by her mum’s voice. ‘Morning, love. Are you ok? Shall I make you some breakfast before you go?’
‘I’m not going today. I can’t.’ Dagmar held her arm over her eyes.
‘Oh dear.’ The door slid open. ‘What’s wrong?’
‘A migraine, I think.’
‘Let me get you some painkillers.’ Dotty bustled off and returned a few moments later with some tablets and a glass of water. Dagmar didn’t even ask what they were but knocked them back.
‘I’ll come down,’ she said. ‘I need some air.’
She followed her mum down the stairs and opened the kitchen door, standing beside it and letting the fresh air hit her cheeks and forehead.
Piled on the table were the café’s finance books, and stacked all around were all the small pieces of equipment Dotty had rescued from the café. Unfortunately, the large coffee machine had been too big to get out, so she’d had to leave it. She insisted it was a temperamental old thing anyway, but Dagmar hated the fact the buyers would probably trash it. Her mum had spent a small fortune buying that – though a long time ago.
‘Oh, sweetheart.’ Dotty looked her over with sad eyes. ‘Try not to worry. I’ll go through the numbers today.’ Dotty opened an old ledger. ‘And see what’s left, if anything.’
Dagmar let out a sigh. ‘I’ll help if I can.’
‘No, you should rest.’ Dotty watched her for a moment. ‘This isn’t something you want to be looking at with a migraine. I’m going to a church meeting later this morning, so I want to have a look at these first. If all else fails, I’ll ask the minister to pray for me.’ She grinned, and Dagmar let out a little laugh. Her mum was a great churchgoer, but clearly didn’t really believe prayers could save her now. ‘Please don’t worry. I can always get a job working in one of the other cafés in town. I have lots of experience and it might be fun just doing the nice bits and not having to worry about all the management bits.’
‘Maybe.’ Though Dagmar wasn’t convinced.
Dotty stared at the ledger in silence for a while, every so often glancing at her laptop screen. The old kitchen clock ticked tirelessly. Dagmar sat at the table with a cool drink. Her pounding head was subsiding little by little.
‘I wonder, if we sold some of the equipment that we saved,’ Dotty suggested, breaking the silence, ‘that might help.’
Dagmar sighed, rubbing her temples. ‘Maybe.’ Though she didn’t see that making much.
Dotty smiled weakly. ‘We seem to be back to where we were a few months ago, before James appeared and got our hopes up.’
‘I need to message him.’ Dagmar closed her eyes. ‘I don’t think he’s replied to my message about the building being sold. I couldn’t face looking at my phone anymore. My head was too sore.’
Dotty got up and put on the kettle. ‘He seemed like such a lovely lad when he came around here.’
‘He is… I’m just so worried.’
Dotty let out a sigh, lifting a mug from a hook on the dresser. ‘i hope I haven’t misjudged him. I’m not good with men. I’ve not had positive experiences with them… In relationships anyway. I know some good men, like Grant the lovely minister, but your father was the only man I ever had a relationship with, and he put me off for life. He promised me the world only to vanish at the first sign of being asked for anything real. Charmed me, then left me. At least I got you, but I’ve never wanted a man since.’ She popped a tea bag into her mug, keeping her back to Dagmar. ‘I’m sorry if I’ve put my feelings about relationships onto you. It was never my intention, but I’m very aware that you never seemed interested… I hope that’s not because of me.’
Perhaps indirectly it was, though Dagmar had never seen it like that. She’d never actively sought a relationship or met anyone she liked enough.
Until James.
‘It’s not your fault. I never wanted…’ The words wouldn’t come. A lump had risen in her throat, obstructing her speech. Her desires had changed so much over the past few weeks, and what she’d suddenly wanted so desperately had been snatched from her. How could she ever go back to the way she’d been before?
‘Dagmar?’ Dotty came over and put her hand on Dagmar’s shoulder. ‘Are you ok? What’s wrong? I’m so sorry I’ve upset you.’
Dagmar shook her head, wiping away a stray tear. ‘You haven’t.’
‘Oh, my love. You’re in a bad way. Please, try not to worry. I’ll find something. Maybe it’s time for me to have a change. Change doesn’t have to be bad.’
‘I know. But it’s not just that.’
‘Then what?’
‘James.’
‘What do you mean? Has he done something wrong?’
‘No. He’s tried so hard. I know he wanted to save the café. But he and I… Well, we…’
‘Oh no. Did you have a relationship with him?’ Dotty gripped Dagmar’s shoulder.
‘Yes.’ Dagmar swallowed. ‘And maybe it was stupid. Originally, it was only meant to be a fling, but it became so much more. Then yesterday his parents came around and said some nasty things to me. I’m so confused and worried. His parents are desperate for him to be with Lady Victoria Bruce. What if he decides he wants that too?’
‘Well, if he does, he’s not worth it. If he’s promised you anything, then he needs to keep it. If you don’t trust him—’
‘I do. I think I just miss him. And all this uncertainty with the café is making me doubt everything.’
Dotty sat beside her and took Dagmar into her arms, holding her. ‘Believe me, I know how this feels. At least you’re not pregnant.’ Dotty stroked her hair. ‘Thank your lucky stars for that. I haven’t regretted you for one second of my life, but I’m not denying how difficult it was at times.’
Yes, that was one thing, but Dagmar couldn’t process it as a positive. Her head and her heart hurt too much.
She drew away from her mum. ‘It’s pathetic letting a man affect me like this.’
‘It’s human nature, but don’t give up on him yet. Be kind to yourself.’
Dagmar’s phone buzzed, and she lifted it.
OPHELIA: Sorry you’re not well. I went to the cottage to see if you needed anything, but you weren’t there. Give me a shout if I can help in any way. Hope all’s ok x
Dagmar groaned. ‘Does that mean she thinks I’m skiving?’
‘No.’ Dotty read the message. ‘She sounds worried about you. I used to think she was rather snobby when she was younger, but she actually seems like a nice person. She’s changed and grown into someone a lot nicer than most of her family, though that’s probably a little unkind. Her mother is very pleasant.’
‘Yes.’ Dagmar sighed. ‘Ophelia isn’t that bad. She was a bit snooty when we were kids, but she always stood up for me and she’s been kind. Maybe I should have been more open with her from the start. It’s just hard for me to know if people like me. I never think anyone will want to be my friend.’
‘Why?’
‘I don’t know.’ Tears pricked again. ‘I just assume people are going to hate me.’
‘Then we need to change that.’ Dotty patted her on the back. ‘You are such a wonderful girl. You work hard and you’re kind. It’s time you recognise your own value. I want you to see it. Let’s go and do something for you.’
‘Such as?’
‘Anything you like. Message Ophelia and explain. Then we can do whatever you want. You said once that you fancied having your hair done. Why don’t we arrange that?’
Dagmar pulled her long plait over her shoulder. ‘Yeah… I kind of fancy something new, though I don’t know what.’
‘Then I know just the place. There’s a wonderful hairdresser on the High Street. We can make an appointment. I can call them right now. They might not have anything for today, but it’s worth a try. And if you don’t fancy sitting in the house alone, come to the church with me. It’s lovely and peaceful there. The perfect place to sit and think.’
A hairstyle wouldn’t change the world just like that, but maybe it would lift her spirits while she waited to hear from James.