CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Turning to face him, I found Ash already looking down at me, our bodies pressed closely, easily together. What little light there was touched that midnight-dark hair, those gleaming eyes. He looked at home in the shadows, I thought, as if he slipped them on as anyone else would a coat or a pair of gloves.
“Would you believe me if I said I was invited?” he asked, stepping back and dropping to sit on the broad side of the fountain, his legs stretched out. I sat beside him, deciding not to question the rush of happiness I felt that he was here, the way his presence eased the worst of the tension I’d been carrying.
“No, I would not,” I said. “Lady Wellerby is a woman of notoriously discerning taste.”
“A direct hit.” Ash clapped his hand to his chest. “In that case, would you believe I came because I couldn’t stay away from you?”
I treated him to a long look. As my eyes adjusted to the dark, I found I could trace the hollows of his face, the firm line of his jaw. I realized then that I’d been staring at him for longer than was polite. The way his mouth kicked up to one side made me certain he didn’t mind.
“No, I don’t think I would believe that, either,” I said finally.
He laughed. “I might have had some club business to discuss with Wellerby that couldn’t wait,” he admitted. “But finding Felicity Vane creeping about in the gardens was an excellent bonus. I’m surprised to see you at a party like this.”
I let out a sound of exasperation. “It certainly wasn’t my choice,” I said. “My mother arrived nearly two weeks early and she’s excited about giving me a season.”
“I see.” Ash leaned back, braced on his arms. “Is that something you’re excited about?”
“It makes me want to throw myself on the floor and indulge in a tantrum. Isn’t it a shame that one has to grow out of tantrums? Feeling those big feelings and then letting everyone know about it sounds a lot better than pushing everything down, being demure, being small and quiet and polite and smiling all the time .” The last words came out almost on a snarl.
“Sounds exhausting,” Ash said. “It’s not such a problem for the men in polite society – they’re encouraged to go on having tantrums as long as they like.”
They , he said, not we . He didn’t consider himself polite society, and he wasn’t wrong. I felt a trickle of unease – if the two of us were found here like this it would create a scandal. I didn’t want to think about that, I only wanted to sit with him a while longer.
“Men are allowed to do a lot of things women aren’t,” I grumbled. “Especially young, unmarried women. It says something, doesn’t it, that the women with the most freedom are the widows?”
“Makes you wonder that there aren’t more murdered husbands lying around,” Ash agreed, his tone mild.
I laughed, the sound surprised out of me, loud in the still night air.
“No, no.” Ash shook his head sorrowfully. “Don’t smile. I know you don’t like it.”
“Smiling in there” – I gestured back towards the house – “that’s china-doll smiling. That’s a performance to keep everyone happy with a version of me that doesn’t exist. A Lady Felicity Vane with smooth edges who fits in perfectly and doesn’t cause trouble.”
“She sounds boring.”
“She is,” I said, enjoying him, how easy I felt with him. “That’s the worst of it, I think, although I know it sounds petty. The boredom. It’s crushing. I can feel my brain slowing down. Like I’m wading through a swamp of treacle.”
“A swamp of treacle sounds like a boyhood fantasy of mine.” Ash nudged me with his elbow. Then he relented. “But it doesn’t sound petty at all. I understand all too well the feeling that you don’t quite belong, that you’ll never be what other people want, however hard you might try. Better to give up on that, and be who you are. Damn the lot of them.”
“That,” I said, “is much, much easier for you to say.”
“Yes, I suppose it is.” Ash sounded suddenly weary. “Though you might be surprised.”
“Besides,” I said, changing the subject, “boredom wasn’t the only thing I was escaping. Edward Laing is inside.”
I felt Ash stiffen. He muttered a rough curse, which I enjoyed and saved up to use myself at a later date. “What is he doing here?” he said, almost to himself, echoing my own earlier question. “He typically steers clear of the managing mamas and their eligible daughters, happier to do business at one of the clubs or gaming dens. Stay away from him,” he warned.
“Easier said than done,” I sniffed. “He asked me to dance. I don’t think he recognized me.”
“I wouldn’t be so sure,” Ash said grimly. “When it comes to Edward Laing, every interaction is a chess match, a calculated move. There will certainly be an ulterior motive when it comes to asking Lady Felicity Vane to dance.”
“Perhaps he found me attractive,” I said sharply. “People do, you know.”
“Oh, I know.” Ash’s voice was laced with laughter.
“And I handled the situation well enough.” My mother’s words came back then, her determination to find a husband to take care of me. “I’m perfectly capable of managing things. I don’t need anyone else to look after me.”
“I didn’t mean to suggest that you did.” Ash sounded startled by the vehemence in my tone.
I rubbed my forehead. “I’m sick of being underestimated.”
“People will refuse to see what’s right in front of them. They can’t understand your brilliance, and that’s their loss. I hope you know that I’d never be so foolish.”
“No,” I mused. “You didn’t underestimate me. You kissed me instead.”
“An act I shall be happy to repeat, any time you like,” Ash said hopefully. “Moonlit gardens always seem the perfect backdrop to such a scene.”
“Kissed a lot of people in moonlit gardens, have you?” I asked, and then raised my hand as if to stop his response. “No, don’t tell me. I already know the answer to that.”
“I shouldn’t really have kissed you in the first place,” Ash admitted. “I don’t make a habit of romancing eligible young ladies fresh out in society. I’d be poison to your reputation, you know.”
“That would be an issue,” I said, trying to keep my tone easy. “If I cared much for my reputation.”
“ You may not.” Ash leaned closer, and there was something rueful in his eyes. “But I know the truth. You care too much for your family to do damage that may reach them. You’re a protector, Felicity, whether they realize it or not. You sacrifice tiny pieces of yourself for them every day because you love them.”
I stilled at the words, at the understanding in his eyes, an understanding mixed with something sad and heavy. I felt laid bare in a way that I’d never experienced, as if Ash were looking straight through to some secret, hidden part of me.
Then he grinned, and the feeling dissipated. “Me, I’m much more selfish,” he continued. “Which is why I can’t find it in myself to apologize for the kiss.”
“I’d be offended if you did,” I retorted. “And I’d like to remind you that it takes two people to make a kiss … at least one like that . Maybe it’s me who should apologize to you.”
“There’s your chivalrous streak again.” He sighed. “Perhaps we can call the matter a draw.”
“So it won’t happen again?” I asked, hoping that he wouldn’t hear the disappointment in my voice.
“I didn’t say that,” Ash responded. “Only that it probably shouldn’t happen again.”
“No. It definitely shouldn’t,” I agreed.
“A very bad idea,” Ash murmured.
The distance between us was evaporating. I could feel the last words against my lips, as his breath mingled with mine. His body was kicking off a heat and need that matched my own and was so intense it edged towards pain. I couldn’t tell if touching him would bring relief or send me up in flames.
“Felicity?” Izzy’s voice shattered the moment as thoroughly as if it had been a china vase swept from a shelf.
Ash’s eyes fluttered closed. “Your sister-in-law has such impeccable timing,” he groaned, pulling back from me as Izzy stepped into our hidden enclosure.
“There you are!” she exclaimed. Her gaze moved to Ash, and her eyes narrowed, though she had clearly learned her lesson about interfering. She restrained herself to a short, clipped: “Ash.”
“Your Grace.” Ash got to his feet and tucked his hands in his pockets, looking boyish for once, as if he’d been caught doing something he shouldn’t.
Izzy’s lips pulled up at the corners. “I came to rescue you from the ball,” she said to me. “Though it looks like you made your own escape.”
“Only a brief respite,” I replied briskly, standing to dust off my skirt. “I’ll be glad to go home.” I needed to think. About a lot of things.
“Good.” Izzy’s smile was that of a conspirator. “I already told your mother I made a mistake in coming, that I have a headache and that she should stay and catch up with her friends, while we go back. I should think she’ll be hours.”
“Tell Izzy about Laing,” Ash said.
“Laing?” she asked.
“He was inside,” I explained with a wave of my hand. “He danced with me, but as I already told Ash, I don’t think he knew who I was. It’s nothing worth making a fuss over. I’m fine.”
Ash and Izzy exchanged a look that had me bristling. I was being managed again, by two people who I thought knew better.
“Felicity—” Ash began gently.
“Let’s go,” I said abruptly. “There’s no reason to stay here any longer than we have to. Goodnight, Ash.”
Without looking back, I strode back down the path towards the house. As I left, Ash’s quiet words chased me into the dark: a soft, desperate warning.
“Please. Be careful.”