Chapter 5 #3
I was certain I was crimson now. I felt awful, somehow cheap and corrupt, but I wasn’t going to back down for Sparta’s sake, so I quickly pulled the black t-shirt over my head. I was wearing nothing underneath. I felt the moist heat on my skin and drops of sweat ran down between my breasts.
“Wow… Nice tits. Firm and big enough to fill my hands,” Sparta said quietly. “Like my Grace…”
The word tits alone made me angry even though I had become accustomed to their language. I wanted to flee but I forced myself to stay. It occurred to me that I currently wasn’t doing what I wanted but what Sparta wanted.
Easy to control .
“Hey, Will, I won’t tell anyone,” he whispered roughly. “Keep going.”
I didn’t want to. I was only wearing my underpants. Suddenly, I felt self-conscious. What was I doing?
You’re doing a seriously ill man a favor. That’s all! Pull yourself together!
I hesitated and then slipped out of the men’s underpants.
“Naked as God created her,” Sparta whispered, looking at me with oversized, ravenous eyes. “Damn, your skin is smooth…don’t tell me you shave with that blunt razor blade too…”
Unable to make a sound, I grabbed my dress and was about to pull it on when the door flew open.
Shocked, I turned. Behind me, I heard Sparta make a sound that was a sigh and a groan in one. “Sweet ass, really.” But I only half heard it. Stark naked and with the summer dress in my hand, I looked at Pan.
He stared first at me and then my breasts. The flicker in his eyes spoke volumes, but he said nothing. For a moment, both he and I stood motionless before I managed to press the dress against my body. “Pan,” I stammered.
He still didn’t say a word, but after a few seconds, he turned and left.
“The big lummox finally saw something nice,” Sparta joked in the background.
“Oh, be quiet,” I scolded with a bad feeling in my stomach and pulled the simple dress over my head. Then, I slipped into a fresh pair of underpants and took a deep breath as I threw the old clothes onto the laundry pile.
Pan didn’t say a word about the incident, something I gave him credit for.
Sparta had probably told him why I had done it.
The next day, he was even worse and couldn’t keep the soup or moonshine down.
Even without a thermometer, we knew his fever rose; you could feel it on his skin and see it in his shiny eyes.
They were a single reflective surface as if he was looking inward and only reflecting the world.
I stopped leaving the hut and the others also stayed nearby, knowing that any hour could be his last. Even Troy, who had never stopped suspecting him, refrained from giving him angry looks and bitter words.
I fanned Sparta and Nathan told him about Coldville, about Grace and Samuel. “Your boy will grow up to be a strong man. He won’t get sick because he won’t have to eat fish and we’ll make sure he doesn’t drink the water from the rivers and streams.”
“School…” Sparta murmured, reaching out to touch Nathan. “Education. Promise me that…”
Nathan hesitated and I knew he wouldn’t make that promise lightly.
A breath of life seemed to flow back into Sparta. “Promise. I want him to have a chance. Get out of Coldville, to a better place.”
“I don’t know if I…”
“Promise…to look after Grace…and Sammy…” Maybe there were tears in his eyes now or maybe the shimmer in them was merely from the fever.
The fever-reducing tablets Nathan had gotten had long since stopped working.
I stopped waving my fan and swallowed. It would have been so easy to say yes so he could go in peace, but to Nathan, a promise was something sacred.
The silence lasted too long for me.
“I promise,” I said for Nathan, although I wasn’t sure I could keep it. “I’ll make sure they get enough money. Enough money to leave Coldville if they want to.”
Sparta turned his head in my direction, and it seemed to take all his strength. “Thank you, Willa.” His breathing was labored, but he managed a smile. “She’s great, Nathan,” he whispered. “Don’t let her get away.”
“I know.” Nathan’s voice was firm, but behind the calm he radiated for Sparta’s sake, there was surely a hurricane of black, heavy emotions raging.
All his muscles were tense. He had encountered death too many times.
He was surely thinking about his parents now, about Lea, Jacob, and Isaac.
About how he had dug too many graves and hated this world.
He looked at me over Sparta. “Would you leave me and Stan alone for a moment?”
“Sure.” I went out and gently shut the door. I didn’t move down the steps but remained on the porch. It was shameful, but I listened in.
“Stanton,” I heard Nathan say quietly. “I saved the brew for a moment like this. You know you only have hours left. You know what the end looks like, you’ve seen it yourself several times.
If you want”—he paused briefly—“if you want, I’ll let you take it all at once and then you won’t suffer but will fall asleep quietly and peacefully. ”
My heart felt heavy hearing those words. Nathan had thought of everything. He didn’t care about right or wrong but allowed Sparta to choose for himself. Involuntarily, I stepped closer to the door.
“You’re a miserable bastard,” I heard Sparta say, but his tone belied his words. “That’s why you were so stingy with it.”
“Yes.” I heard a smile in Nathan’s voice.
Sparta coughed heavily and the phlegm seemed to suffocate him.
I held my breath for a moment and then he spoke.
“No brew… I don’t want it… It wouldn’t be right…
It’s crazy…how hard you cling to life.” A rattling laugh burst from his chest and I clenched my hands.
I had feared and hated Sparta, now I felt only a deep sadness.
“Okay.” Nathan paused briefly, during which the dark croaking of the millions of frogs reached my ears.
“What should I do for you in the last hours? I will try to fulfill your every wish.” My heart ached because of his honesty.
I admired him. He did not deny death; he did not give Sparta hope for more days, for more time.
Sparta did not reply for a long time. Then he said, “Daylight. Maybe the sunset. A little moonshine and a story about Sammy. You know…”
I heard Nathan inhale deeply. “That’s good, Stan, let’s do that. We’ll set up camp for you on the dock and watch the sunset. That’s a nice idea.”
Feeling more helpless than ever before, tears welled up in my eyes.
Footsteps approached from the hut, and before I knew it, Nathan was standing in front of me.
He didn’t seem angry that I was still there, but merely nodded with his lips pressed together, a shadow of sadness on his combative features.
“Nathan?” I heard Sparta call at that moment, sounding far away as if he was floating between worlds.
“What is it, Stan? Is there something else?” Nathan turned.
“Your girl. Do you think she could undress for me again?”
To my surprise, Nathan laughed cheerfully. “You’re an old playboy, Stan. And as for your request, ask Willa herself. She doesn’t need my permission.” As he turned to me, he raised his eyebrows questioningly. “Again?”
I bit my lip and nodded, unable to think of anything other than your girl , Sparta had said. And Nathan hadn’t contradicted him.
“I have a much better idea,” I said softly and pushed past him into the hut. From the dresser, I took the pad for the shopping list and grabbed the pencil from the kitchen table. Why hadn’t I thought of it earlier?
There was something I could do for Sparta, something I had done all the time at home. Something that would make him happy in a completely different way. And I had almost forgotten it.
Nathan carried Sparta effortlessly to the dock while Troy and I retrieved the mattress.
We laid him down so that he could face west, and because he had chills from the fever, we covered him with several blankets.
I saw his legs, which had a bluish marbling.
A harbinger of death as Nathan explained to me when we went to grab the moonshine and the decoction from the old sickbed.
“What exactly is the secret ingredient?” I asked, pointing to the green-brown liquid in the glass bottle.
For the last few weeks, Nathan had been saying it was made of birch leaves, snakeroot, lavender, and willow bark, but those things couldn’t produce such extreme effects. And they weren’t that expensive.
To my surprise, Nathan shrugged as if it didn’t matter anymore. “There are three. Coca, belladonna…and poppy. A strong potion.”
“Indeed.” Coca, belladonna, and poppy, no wonder he had hidden it so well.
“This stuff will make his last hours more bearable.”
For a few seconds, we stared at each other, Nathan’s gray eyes clear and open as if he was ready to reveal all the secrets of his soul to me.
Even his mouth was soft. “The next few hours will be hard. If you can’t do it without crying, you should stay away for Stanton’s sake.
He needs our strength now, not sentimental tears. ”
“I’m coming with you. I won’t cry.”
He looked at me for a moment and it was as if a memory flickered between us. You cry quite often, I think , but he nodded. “Good,” was all he said.