Chapter 4
CHAPTER FOUR
brENDA K. STARR, “I STILL BELIEVE”
Gabby
If hope were a color,
it would be blue like your eyes
and shine like your smile.
Hope is eternal,
like my love for you.
After a two-year hiatus from writing poems and affirmations about Matt, I was at it again. His recent presence in my life rekindled my creativity.
My life.
Not Sarah’s.
Not the girl on her way to UCLA (hopefully).
Matt was mine—well, I was working on it.
He deserved someone who put him first and wanted him more than anyone or anything. Patience was a rare trait, but eternal love was the ultimate gift bestowed upon those who truly believed and kept the faith with little regard for time. And no one had been as faithful as me.
I drew hearts next to my poem, gently placed the ribbon down the spine, and closed my journal—my first journal. When I’d lived at home, I wrote my poems in the margins of my Bible or novels where I knew my parents’ prying eyes wouldn’t think to look, not that they would have. I was the favorite child (or so I told myself), the youngest of three girls. Sarah thought she was the pleaser child, but she proved otherwise. Eve hid alcohol by the creek and came home without her panties. I had never been grounded. All my dad had to do was give me a look, and I fell in line.
The knock on my door wasn’t unexpected, but it still felt like my heart might explode from my chest. Matt was here to pick me up for our pizza date. In my imagination, it was a date; manifestation started with imagination and lots of prayer.
After a calming breath, I buttoned all but the top button of my jean jacket and curled my hair behind my ear on one side and then uncurled it.
Curled it.
Uncurled.
“Stop it,” I whispered, fisting my hands to quit fidgeting while briefly closing my eyes. “Hey,” I said, opening the door.
“Ready?”
I bobbed my head, pretending that Matt wasn’t out of my league because he was older, smarter, talented, and gorgeous. “You look handsome,” I said.
He chuckled, glancing down at his gray Michigan T-shirt and navy unzipped hoodie. “I don’t think I tried hard enough to deserve that compliment, but thanks. You look nice too.”
“Nice” felt like wholesome’s slightly prettier cousin. I wanted to be beautiful in his eyes.
“Everything cool?” he asked.
My smile rebounded from my slight disappointment that he didn’t shoot for a higher compliment. “Yeah. Let’s go.”
Matt opened all the doors for me, including the passenger door to his red 1972 El Camino.
“Thank you.”
After he slid into the driver’s seat, I put on my seat belt. “I wondered if you still had this car. I’ve always loved it.”
“Oh, hell yes. I’ll buy other cars someday, but I won’t sell this one.”
For a few seconds, I thought it was cool that he wasn’t selling it, since it had been a graduation present from his grandparents. But then it hit me; my sister lost her virginity on this very bench seat. I slowly peeled my hands from it and folded them on my lap.
“How are your classes going? If you ever need help with anything, just ask.” He shot me a sideways glance and a killer smile.
“Thanks.”
“How are your parents?”
“Good. Dad’s still preaching. Mom’s still organizing everything from funerals at the church and fellowship dinners to baby and wedding showers. She’s been bugging my dad to take some time off to travel, but he thinks the town will fall apart without him. His best friend Fred has offered to fill in at the church if my parents want to go out of town for a couple of weeks to visit Sarah or Eve, but my dad can’t bring himself to do it.”
“Your dad has always been dedicated.”
“You mean a workaholic?”
Matt laughed. “I was trying to be nice since I imagine when I’m an attorney, I’ll have to work long hours and take minimal time off. Hopefully, I find a wife who’s as understanding and supportive as your mom.”
I folded my hands, squeezing them hard to keep from raising one to volunteer to be said wife. As a school counselor or something like that, I’d have normal hours and could be home to have dinner ready. And when we had kids, I’d stay at home to raise them.
Garden.
Sew.
Clean the house.
Bake bread.
“I’m sure if you’re a true romantic, you won’t have trouble finding a good woman.”
“A true romantic?” He pulled into the Pizza Hut parking lot.
“Flowers. Love notes. Perhaps a necklace with her birthstone. Help with dishes after dinner. You know, make her feel appreciated and it will go a long way to her understanding and feeling okay about you working long hours.”
“Love notes?” He wrinkled his nose while unbuckling.
I giggled. “Don’t panic. You don’t have to be a poet or anything like that. A simple ‘Have a good day. I love you,’ is sufficient. And flowers don’t have to be bouquets. A single rose or a few spring tulips are just as special.”
He made funny duck lips and nodded. “I see. I guess I need to find someone like you who feels content with such simplicity.”
“Well,” I unbuckled, “I need to get through school, but you can check back with me. I might be available.” I didn’t have Sarah’s confidence or Eve’s quick wit and practiced humor, but I did my best to feign that I did.
Matt opened the door and gave me a conspiratorial grin. “Can you imagine? That would make our families talk for sure.”
“But we wouldn’t care, because we are the babies of our families. The favorites.” I stepped out of his car and shot him a flirty smile and a wink. At least it was supposed to be a wink. I didn’t have the genes for bodily functions like tongue rolling and winking, so it must have looked like I had something in my eye.
“Favorites, huh?” Matt perked up as we met at the front of the car and headed into the building. “You might be right.”
“The only ones who went to college and didn’t start a war between our parents,” I said.
“You’re cutthroat.” He playfully nudged me while we waited to be seated.
My heart soared higher with every innocent touch and flirty grin. It’s how I had always imagined we’d fall in love. Well, it’s how I’d imagined he would fall in love with me. I’d been in love with him for years. I didn’t want him to see me as a sexy, short fling, blinded by physical passion. Those didn’t last. But admiration and respect were foundations that could withstand the test of time, and I wanted him to be mine forever.
A server grabbed two menus and seated us at a booth.
“Pepperoni?” Matt asked before I had a chance to look at the menu.
“Absolutely.”
“Pan or thin?”
“Thin,” we said at the same time.
“A Pepsi or Slice?” He set our menus on the edge of the table.
My grin swelled.
“Slice?” he asked.
I nodded.
“And garlic bread of course,” he added.
I couldn’t have dreamed of a more perfect first date. Matt was confident and right about all of it, like someone told him my favorites ahead of time.
“With extra sauce,” I said.
“Duh.” He rested his crossed arms on the table, the gleam in his eyes shining brighter than ever.
I don’t know why my sisters made falling in love so complicated. Why they had to battle unimaginable grief and so many tears to find their happily ever after.
“Was that all a good guess, or did you call my mom?”
Matt shook his head. “Just a good guess. I assumed your family ordered the same kind of pizza. And Sarah liked Pepsi, so I figured you liked Slice because there’s no way you’re going to be like your sisters.”
I inspected him for a few seconds before relinquishing a guilty grin. “And you like Coke.”
“Yes. But now I prefer a cold beer with my pizza. Don’t tell your dad.”
The server grabbed our menus. “Looks like you’re ready to order.”
“We are. We’ll start with an order of garlic bread, extra sauce. Then we’ll have a medium thin pepperoni, a Pepsi, and a Slice.”
“You got it.” She smiled.
“Thanks,” he said.
“You could have gotten a beer.” I played it cool, like I hung out with people who drank beer all the time.
“Nah. I’m driving precious cargo.”
We shared a look, and I knew he was referring to the drunk driving accident that shook our little town four years earlier. And while it still stung, I felt special for being considered precious cargo. The girl in the booth behind Matt walked over to the jukebox and selected, “I Still Believe.” I loved that song.
“So what kind of lawyer do you want to be?” I asked instead of belting out the romantic ballad.
“I’m leaning toward criminal law, but I have a friend who’s interested in tort law, and he thinks we should open our own firm someday.”
I nodded slowly.
“Do you know what tort law is?”
Again, I nodded. Then I grinned and shook my head. “I have no idea.”
“Tort is a civil wrongful act. Like harm to someone or their personal property. It can either be from an intentional act or negligence such as car accidents, medical malpractice, vandalism, defamation.”
“I see. Sounds exciting.”
“I suppose. It’s not as exciting as studying the brain or why humans behave the way they do, but it’s interesting and challenging in other ways.”
The server delivered our drinks. I stirred my Slice with the straw. “My mom thinks I’ll end up changing my major. She said that most students do.”
“Why did you choose psychology?” Matt set his straw on the table and sipped his Pepsi straight from the glass.
“Honestly?” I rolled the straw between my fingers.
Matt nodded.
“Two incidents led me to consider this path. There was this boy in my class whose parents were having marital issues, and my dad counseled them. But I overheard that boy talking to one of his friends about how ridiculous it was for them to let my dad get involved since he’s not a real therapist. But the couple stayed married, and I thought it was pretty cool my dad played a part in it. Then after the accident four years ago, a lot of students visited the school counselor, including me because I wanted to talk to someone who wasn’t my dad. That’s when I knew I wanted to help others in that way too.”
“That’s awesome, Gabriella.”
Matt’s compliment gave me a warm, tingly sensation all over. I loved when he called me by my full name. Just him. When my parents or sisters said it, it sounded condescending.
“So tell me about Ben. How long has he been your boyfriend?”
“What? No. I told you he’s not my boyfriend. What did you say your girlfriend’s name is? Oh, that’s right, you didn’t tell me.”
The server delivered our garlic bread. Matt nodded for me to take one first.
“Her name is Julianne.”
“What’s she studying?” I blew on the garlic bread before taking a bite.
“Engineering.”
I blotted my mouth with my napkin. Of course he would be with an ambitious, smart woman. I imagined she had long hair, defined arms, perfect cheekbones, and flawlessly applied makeup.
Pierced ears.
A collection of high heels.
And she probably knew sixty-nine.
How was my offer to bake bread and pop out babies while counseling married couples or troubled kids supposed to compare to a Julianne who would go on to design things like bridges or rocket ships?
Ugh!
“Sarah was never going to be an engineer.” I let her be the sacrificial lamb instead of pointing to my own shortcomings.
Matt barked a laugh. “From what I’ve heard, she’s doing just fine. Have you seen her perform?”
I pressed my lips together and nodded. Sarah wasn’t the favorite child, but she was well on her way to being a very successful performer. She had the voice and charisma that bled talent when she stood on a stage with a guitar in her hands.
Again, I thought of ironing clothes and breastfeeding babies while my dream husband wore a suit and tie, winning cases in a courtroom. Were my standards too low?
“Sarah’s going to be a big star,” I murmured.
“How’s Eve?” Matt asked.
“She’s no longer hiding alcohol by the creek.”
Matt chuckled. “Well, I suppose that’s good.”
I loved making him smile and laugh. “Eve followed Sarah’s lead and fell for an older guy. If you think Sarah and Isaac caused a commotion, you should have been there to witness Eve’s dramatic fall from grace.”
“Well,” he sipped his Pepsi, “I wouldn’t have expected any less from Eve. But she’s doing good now? Happy?”
“Yeah. Very happy. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”
He lifted an eyebrow.
“It’s a long story.”
“Sounds like it,” he said.
As we ate our pizza, Matt let me know he was planning on visiting his parents in North Carolina over Thanksgiving. He shared his excitement of winning a conference title and national championship playing baseball for the Wolverines. I swore he had tears in his eyes, reminiscing about the bittersweet ending to his baseball career.
I had no comforting words that didn’t involve “God has other plans for you,” so I stuck to a sympathetic smile and a gentle bob of my head.
“I’ve got it,” he said when I pulled out my wallet at the register to help pay for dinner.
Yep, it was officially a date.
“Are you sure?”
Matt grinned, handing the cash to the employee. “Of course.”
“Thank you.” I tucked my wallet back into my purse.
Matt fished change from his pocket and stuck a nickel into the gumball machine and turned the knob. It spit out a blue gumball which he offered to me.
I wrinkled my nose. “Not blue.”
He laughed and popped it into his mouth, then he slid another nickel into the machine. “Boring white.” He handed it to me.
I took it. “White is not boring. It’s classic. White is just as sweet without feeling the need to show off.” I chomped down on the gumball and grinned at him.
“Is that so?” He held the door open for me.
“Mm-hmm,” I mumbled, stepping past him.
“Did you know that while you had your nose in a book, Sarah and Eve suspected you were going to be the biggest rebel, stealthily flying under your parents’ radar?” Matt asked.
“Did you know that while my sisters thought I had my nose in a book, I heard them talking about your senior prom night mishap?” I took two steps, feeling triumphant with my comeback, but when my brain caught up, I realized I just confessed to knowing the details of Matt’s fumbled attempt at losing his virginity with my sister.
Four years.
It had been years since I’d seen Matt, and I, Virgin Gabriella, brought up sex on our first date.
“W-what?” Matt coughed, opening my car door.
“Nothing. Never mind.” I ducked into the car without making eye contact.
His gaze covered me like a suffocating cloud of smoke, but I focused on the seat belt.
“Stupid,” I whispered after he shut my door.
He walked around the car and slid into his seat while I laced my fingers together and prayed for God to erase the previous thirty seconds from his brain.
“Well, that’s pretty fucking embarrassing,” he mumbled as the engine roared to life.
I briefly closed my eyes. “I mean, the first time is totally awkward. Right? Not to mention if the first time is in a car.”
Shut up, Gabby!
He shoved said car into reverse and opened his mouth, but quickly clamped it shut. At least five minutes passed before he broke the silence with a soft chuckle. “Did she throw me under the bus? Or did she take a little credit for the mishap?”
“Um …” I rubbed my hands along my jeans. “I don’t remember.”
“Liar.”
I squirmed in my seat. “It was a long time ago.”
“Was it because the condom landed on the floor or that I only had one?” he asked, and I could tell it was bugging him.
Our date was taking the worst possible turn.
“Um …”
“It’s okay.” He shot me a sidelong glance, but I kept my head bowed. “If we can’t laugh at our mistakes, then life will be pretty miserable. Right?”
Perhaps one day I’d look back at this conversation and laugh that I made a big mistake by bringing up the subject, but I had no laughs to spare at that moment.
Matt pulled into the dormitory parking lot. “So how has your sex life been?” He laughed while parking the car. Was he making fun of me? Surely, he knew I was a virgin. But how? Did I look like one? Had my mom told his mom that I was saving myself for marriage like a faithful lamb?
“I’m joking.”
I could barely muster a smile past the wave of panic that left my heart racing and palms sweaty as I stepped out of his car. “Ha. Ha,” I managed to say.
“I would never expect you to kiss and tell.” He walked beside me toward my dorm’s entrance.
Had I been kissed, I would have told someone. Ben, of course. Maybe Olivia too, since she was slowly gaining my trust.
“Thanks for dinner.”
We stopped at the sidewalk as a group of guys entered the building.
“I’ll pay for the next date,” I said.
Matt’s lips parted, eyes unblinking.
Oh my gosh.
I said date. It wasn’t a date. I knew it wasn’t a date, but my silly little mind enjoyed thinking it was. And that innocent thought rooted and grew into a full illusion to where I blacked out reality for a few seconds.
I was mortified.
“Dinner. Not a date.” I faked a yawn. “Stupid brain. I’m tired. Olivia snores so I haven’t slept well. Of course this wasn’t a date because you have a girlfriend.”
Matt’s silence killed me. With my hands tucked into my front jeans pockets, I rocked back and forth on the balls of my feet, eager to run into the building and never see him again. I blew it big time.
He narrowed his eyes. “So it was true.”
I stopped rocking. “What was true?”
“Sarah used to say that you had a crush on me.”
I coughed a laugh. “What? Oh my gosh! Leave it to Sarah to assume that everyone wants what she has. She probably thought I wanted to be a singer in Nashville too.”
Matt studied me with an unreadable expression as his head cocked ever so slightly to the side. I tried to hide my visible squirming by rubbing my arms as if I wasn’t wearing a jacket. He stepped closer, forcing me into an audible gulp.
“Would you?” he asked.
My eyes couldn’t hold his gaze, so I stared at his chest. “Would I w-what?”
“Kiss and tell?”
Sweat formed between my breasts and soaked my armpits as his words turned me into an inferno. He was going to kiss me.
My. First. Kiss.
Oh gosh.
No. Oh GOD!
Matthew Cory, on the verge of kissing me, wasn’t a gosh moment. It was a full-on Lord’s-name-in-vain-moment. The single greatest moment of my life. Only … I didn’t know how to kiss. I mean, everyone knew how to kiss. I had kissed my mom and animals that I’d loved, not a romantic kiss on the lips. But Matt had kissed his girlfriend, my sister, and probably a bunch of girls in between.
I trapped my lips between my teeth, making them unavailable to him. They weren’t ready to be kissed. I’d saved my first kiss for him, but who wanted someone’s first kiss? I would proverbially fumble the condom like he had done with Sarah.
“It’s been fun. We’ll have to do it again,” he said, taking a step backward. “Maybe Julianne can join us. You’d like her.”
Keeping my lips hostage, I nodded several times.
“Maybe you can bring Ben.”
I kept nodding, but I wasn’t bringing Ben with me on a real or imaginary date with Matt. Well, Matt and his girlfriend.
“Goodnight,” he said, leaving me with a smile as he pivoted and sauntered back toward his car.
I sprinted inside the building, all the way to the fourth floor, and down the hallway, weaving past groups of guys laughing and chatting. After a half dozen hard knocks, Ben opened his door.
I craned my neck to see past him, looking for his roommate. When I didn’t see anyone, I shoved his chest so I could step inside and shut the door behind me.
“Please, come in,” he said with a slight laugh.
“I don’t know how to kiss!” I stabbed my fingers into my hair.