Chapter 18
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
JANET JACKSON, “MISS YOU MUCH”
Gabby
“How’s Ben?” I asked my mom while Olivia painted her toenails red. Snow swirled with the wind outside our dorm room window. It was one week until Thanksgiving.
“Gabriella, I appreciate the daily calls as opposed to weekly check-ins, but you can’t expect me to have new updates about Ben every day .”
It had been seven weeks since he left.
Seven weeks without talking to him.
Seven weeks of sending him letters without a response back.
Seven weeks of feeling lost.
It was also the first time I’d gone more than a week without seeing or talking to him.
“Did you tell Carmen to tell him to write me back?”
“Yes, dear, but she said he’s been shutting everyone out. Your dad suggested we give him space, keep him in our prayers, and in time, God will speak to him. We just have to be patient.”
“Is he learning sign language?”
“No. He has no interest in learning it right now. And until his parents learn it too, it won’t do much to help him.”
“Did you tell her you’ve been learning it?” Olivia mumbled.
I shook my head at her. It was my goal to surprise Ben at Thanksgiving. I was taking it three nights a week through Ann Arbor’s community education courses. But it would not be a pleasant surprise if I was the only one who knew how to sign anything.
“How’s he going to come back to school if he doesn’t get his hearing back, and he doesn’t learn sign language?”
“He was a music major. Carmen said he’s going to need time to think about a new direction.”
Ben loved music. He couldn’t give up on his dream. “It’s like everyone is praying for him, but nobody really believes in miracles which kinda feels like you don’t believe in God.”
I was one to talk.
“Gabby, you know that’s not true. Enough about Ben. We can’t do anything more than we’re already doing. How are you? Are you getting good grades?”
“Yeah, I’m doing fine.”
“Well, we love you. And we can’t wait to see you in a few days.”
“You too. I’ll call you tomorrow.”
She laughed. “I’m sure you will. Bye, hun.”
I hung up the phone.
“No change?” Olivia asked.
“No.” I untangled myself from the cord. “I need to get home. Everyone else is praying for him while he hides in his room. What if prayer has nothing to do with God answering our requests or taking a bow every time we thank him for something? What if he made humans the most advanced species so we can figure things out on our own?”
Olivia glanced up at me, glasses low on her nose while she capped her nail polish. “I’m not as religious as you, so I haven’t given it that much thought. But yeah, I feel like prayer is a little lazy if there’s something you can do yourself.”
“I hate that I can’t talk to him.”
“Yeah.” She fanned a folder over her wet toenails. “It would be better if he were blind instead of deaf.”
I didn’t want to laugh, but I couldn’t help but snort. “Stop. That’s terrible.”
“How’s Matt?” She had a way of shifting every subject to Matt. “Have you two done the deed yet? You haven’t mentioned him in a long time. Is he back with his girlfriend?”
I couldn’t look at her because I had the worst poker face.
“Gabby, what aren't you telling me?”
“What do you mean?” I sorted through my clothes to figure out what I was taking home for break and leaving at the dorm.
“What do you mean, what do I mean? You know what I mean. And you won’t look at me which means you’re not telling me something.”
I spared a quick glance at her and a dismissive “pfft.”
“I can read people. That’s why I’ll be an excellent lawyer. And you’re hiding something. Just tell me.”
“Did you totally, honestly, for real not have sex with Ben?”
She set her nail polish bottle in a plastic basket filled with other bottles of polish. “No. We had sex, but it was fake sex, not for real sex, so I didn’t tell you. Yes!” She rolled her eyes. “We didn’t have sex. We barely messed around. Why?”
“Because he kissed me.” I held my breath, waiting for her to fly at me, screaming profanities about betrayal. “Twice.” I shook my head. Technically, it was three times, but I didn’t count the day he left because his parents interrupted us. But my need to tell the truth turned into diarrhea of the mouth. “But the first time was just practice. Not practice for us, practice for Matt and me.”
“Gabby?”
“But the second wasn’t practice. It was more. I kissed him back, like totally kissed him back.”
“Gabby?”
“But I don’t know why. Why did I kiss him back like that? I’ve ruined everything.”
“Gabby!”
I jumped. “Yes?” I whispered.
“Chill.”
I nodded in the most unchill way.
“You’re the only one who refuses to see it.”
“See what?” I questioned.
“That you have a thing for Ben, and he has a thing for you.”
I shook my head.
She propped her bare feet onto her desk and folded her hands behind her head. “I’ve never had a ‘friend’ tickle me until I almost peed my pants. I’ve never had a friend open doors for me, kiss me, or look at me with a million stars in their eyes.”
“You think Ben looks at me with stars in his eyes?”
“Duh. And that’s how you look at him. You not realizing it just blows my mind. You totally love him.”
“He’s my friend.”
“There’s nothing better than falling in love with your best friend.”
I felt like everyone thought they knew us, but they didn’t. I loved Ben, but not like that. I refused to love him like that. And if he loved me as more than a friend, why did he sleep with so many other girls knowing that I believed in waiting until marriage?
It was too late. After she tried calling me out over supposedly loving Ben more than a friend, I couldn’t tell her about nearly having sex with Matt and saying Ben’s name.
“Just so you know, Matt and I are staying friends.”
“Because you love Ben?” Olivia smirked.
I threw one of my shirts at her. “Shut up.” I laughed. “It’s just not the right time.” That was the truth.