Chapter 37
CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
CHICAGO, “I DON’T WANT TO LIVE WITHOUT YOUR LOVE”
Ben
Both Jason and Chris, the resident assistant, were cool with me crashing in my old dorm room while I ironed things out with Gabby, which I thought I did when I made her orgasm. It wasn’t my intention. I wanted to feel our baby. The last thing I thought would happen, well, it happened. It was like she knew what she wanted. I only reacted to her subtle gestures and nudges.
And just when I thought she couldn’t surprise me more, she kicked me out.
However, that wasn’t the most impressive part. In a matter of days, rule-follower Gabriella Jacobson, the pastor’s favorite daughter, did it four more times. I delivered healthy snacks or a book on pregnancy every day, but on the days she was there, she reclined on her bed, lifting her shirt for me to feel her belly.
I kissed it and talked to our baby. Then it led to me on my knees, servicing her, followed by her booting me out. She wrote no notes. The only words spoken or written were mine. Except she did her usual sign language when opening the door for me to leave.
After a trip to the library to get as many books on ASL as I could find, I learned those signs: Thank you. Go away.
The revelation made me laugh because every time I said “You’re welcome,” thinking the least she could have done was offer a thank-you. And the whole time, that’s what she’d been doing.
I felt used in the best way and sad because there were so many questions I had, insecurities eating me alive, and fear unlike anything I had ever experienced. But I couldn’t let her see any of that. Gabby was innocent, and I took that from her. She was the first Jacobson daughter to attend college, and I derailed her plans. Yet, despite all of that, she loved me.
She never gave up on me.
I owed her more than I had to give, but I knew I’d die trying. Of course, I only had four days left to make things right. My parents were uneasy with me driving back to Ann Arbor by myself. But I told them I wanted to visit my friends, including Gabby. And two weeks was the longest I could take off work without losing my job.
With chicken noodle soup, extra crackers, and some sort of lotion to prevent stretch marks, I knocked on her door.
She answered, making her usual face where she pressed her lips together to keep from showing any sort of pleasure over my presence. The mother of my child took my breath away in her black leggings and yellow sweater that hung off one shoulder.
After my heart skipped a beat, I handed her the two bags and sat on her bed while she inspected my gifts. She uncapped the stretch mark cream and applied it to her belly. That made me grin even though she wouldn’t look at me. Then, as though I wasn’t there, she sat at her desk and ate every drop of soup and all the crackers.
After stuffing all the trash into the bag, she looked at me. Even if the timing was all wrong, pregnancy looked good on Gabby. I understood what people meant when they said pregnant women had a glow about them. My best friend was beautiful, but I’d always known that.
Gabby got that look in her eyes and moseyed toward the bed, but before she could sit down, I signed, “I’m not here to lick your kitty.”
She wrinkled her nose and signed, “What?”
I spelled each word, in case she didn’t understand, and I wanted to show her how good I was at signing the alphabet.
When pink filled her cheeks, I knew she got it.
“Where did you learn that?” she signed.
Aside from the alphabet and a few phrases I practiced for that moment, I couldn’t sign much else or understand everything she signed.
“I just started. You have to cut me some slack. Can you do that? Can you continue to write things down until I learn this better?” I asked.
The indecision in her eyes made my heart sink. I still hadn’t fully digested the news. Gabby was pregnant. We were having a baby. I tried to feign confidence, but I was terrified. After I lost my hearing, I immediately wanted my mom. How was I supposed to raise a child when I still felt like one?
Gabby sat at her desk and wrote on a notepad.
Why are you learning ASL?
“Because I’m deaf.”
She shook her head.
You’ve been deaf, but haven’t wanted to learn it. Is this because of Laurel?
I squinted, slowly shaking my head. “I’m going to be a dad. I have to find a way to communicate in the world. Get a better job. Go back to school. Whatever.”
Why did she look so crestfallen? What was wrong with doing exactly what she’d been wanting me to do for months?
She capped the pen and walked to the door, opening it before signing, “Go away.”
“I’m not going away. You can’t kick me out for doing what you wanted me to do.”
She fisted her hands and said something before closing her eyes. In the next breath, she slammed the door and scribbled more words.
I’ll do this on my own. I’ll raise this baby with someone who loves me.
What was that supposed to mean? My jaw dropped, and all words escaped me.
“Are you serious?” I stood, parking both hands on my hips. “Nobody loves you more than I do. Our friendship has just been various phases of me loving you, from near, from afar, from everywhere. I’ve spent more of my life loving you than doing anything else. I loved you before I knew the feelings I had for you were love. But they were. They are. And they always will be.”
She shook her head and furiously wrote more words.
You’re here because I’m pregnant. You’re learning ASL because I’m pregnant.
“What’s your point?”
She scowled.
I wanted you to come back for ME! I wanted you to learn ASL for ME! But I wasn’t allowed to make anything about me. Clearly nothing has changed.
I held out my hands, palms up, before raking my fingers through my hair. “I’ll concede that I’ve been an asshole for the past six months. But before I lost my hearing, my world revolved around you. Whatever you thought or think you feel for Matt, take that times a thousand.” I shook my head. “No. Take it times infinity, and that’s what I’ve felt for you. So I get it. The reason I’ve been so patient with your obsession is because I know what it’s like to want someone beyond reason. I know what it’s like to wait an eternity for that person to see you. And I know the fear and courage it takes to tell them.”
She slowly shook her head as if it wasn’t a fair comparison. And she was right. It wasn’t. Her feelings for Matt were nothing compared to mine for her.
“Yes. Gabby. Yes .” I took her face in my hands. “I told you Michigan was the only school that offered me a scholarship, but I lied. I had three other offers. But I chose this one. Do you know why?”
Tears filled her eyes.
“Because I want to be with you. Even if it means I have to watch you pine for another man, I’ll take it. I just want to be with you , and I’ll take absolutely anything you’ll give me.”
Gabby blinked, releasing several tears with it.
I rested my forehead on hers. “I’m sorry it took this for me to come to my senses. And I will try so hard to pretend that I’m not scared out of my mind, that I know what I’m doing, and that I won’t let you down. And I’ll try to pretend that it doesn’t hurt to feel like you wish this baby belonged to him.”
She stepped back, shaking her head and pointing to herself, then made two fists and crossed her arms in an X over her chest before pointing to me while mouthing “I love you.” Then she spelled “Not Matt.”
“Because we’re having a baby?”
Again, she shook her head and turned. A few seconds later, she held up the notepad.
Despite you knocking me up. When you kissed me, my heart exploded. My dreams died because they couldn’t compare to what was real. You are real. We are real.
Her words choked me up, so I swallowed hard. “Do you mean that?”
She nodded, stepping toward me and wrapping her arms around my waist, face buried in my neck for a long breath. Then she pressed her lips to my skin for a soft kiss. I removed her arms from my waist and kneeled at her feet. When I looked up at her, she grinned, sliding one hand into my hair and resting the other on my cheek.
Then I lowered my chin and kissed her belly. She continued to tease her fingers in my hair while her other handed lifted her sweater.
“Hi, baby,” I said before kissing her little bump. I could have spent hours on my knees, working through my fears while talking to the life we made, but after a minute, she grabbed my hoodie and tugged it so I’d stand. Then she lifted onto her toes, and I met her halfway for a kiss.
While our lips fused, she unzipped my hoodie, resting her hands on my chest for a few breaths before unbuttoning my jeans. I pulled away just enough to look at her.
“Are you sure?”
She nodded, biting her lip, cheeks stained pink.
I shrugged my hoodie off my shoulders and peeled off my T-shirt. Gabby removed her sweater and leggings. The second my jeans were off, she slid her hands around my neck and we kissed. I unhooked her bra as we stepped closer to the bed. Everything felt different.
Gabby officially felt like mine.
I took my time kissing her where she liked to be kissed—between her legs. When I worked my way up her body and sucked her nipple into my mouth, she arched her back. As I guided my cock between her legs, her hips jerked. And the second I sank into her, she flinched. It wasn’t funny, but I couldn’t help but smile.
“Our baby will hurt you more,” I mumbled.
She grabbed my face and narrowed her eyes, saying so much without saying a word. I kissed her, and we moved slowly together until I couldn’t move slowly any longer. I didn’t want to hurt her, but nothing felt like being inside of her.
Her lips moving against mine.
Her breasts pressed to my chest.
I was in Heaven.
I found myself breaking our kisses to look at her because I couldn’t hear her. It was like I needed to check in, even though her fingernails in my back and her hips lifting from the bed to meet mine were more than enough reassurance that she wanted to keep going.
After we finished, I rolled to the side and tucked her under my arm. My eyes burned, staring at the bunk bed above us. I would never hear her moan or say my name.
Ask for more.
Whisper words of love while having sex.
No contented sighs.
Nothing.
Would I ever stop mourning the loss of my hearing? Would I ever stop thinking of all the parts of life that I could no longer enjoy?
She drew a heart on my chest with the tip of her finger, so I grabbed her hand and kissed her palm.
“I love you, too, Gabriella.”