Twenty-Four - Rome
“ R aise your glass, asshole. I know you don't like to be the center of attention or to have people showering you with praise, but it’s only me, and you deserve this moment. So, let’s go.”
Although I'm reluctant, I do as Nikola commands and lift my shot glass full of tequila into the air. He does the same, and I grin at the proud smile on his face as he clears his throat for a speech.
“Here’s a toast to you, Rome,” he starts, eyes beaming with pride. “You've been through more than anyone should ever have to go through. You've pulled yourself out of the weeds and risen to unimaginable heights. You're a fucking boss, and you just landed the biggest contract in your company’s history after only being there for a few short weeks. You're killing it, bro, and not to get all sappy, but I know both of your parents would be sickeningly proud of you … and so would Natalia. Here’s to you, Rome. Congratulations on the Golden Diamond account. Saluti .”
“ Saluti ,” I respond.
When I bring the shot glass to my lips, I hope the burn of the liquor purges me of my feelings. I hope the sting that travels down my throat singes all of my emotions until I have none left to feel. I want to set my insides ablaze and rid myself of the confusion that eats away at me like a cancer. The shot definitely helps, but it doesn't take it all away.
Fuck.
Nikola sits across from me in a white, long-sleeved shirt, and every time he looks at me, I swear he can see through me. My best friend still wields the power to know when something is wrong with me, even if I don't want him to. He eyes me closely, leaning back in his seat and looking across the round table like he’s trying to put distance between us to be able to see the whole picture.
“Alright,” he says. “So, tell me all about the pitch. How were you able to convince Nix Malone to do business with a small-time marketing agency? From what I understand, this guy plays in the big leagues. Like, the leagues so big that they can erase you from the planet with a nod of the head or the blink of an eye.”
“It wasn't me who made the pitch,” I admit, already feeling something rumbling within me just thinking about it. “It was Nia.”
“Oh, okay … why’d you say it like that?” Nikola asks.
Shit. Here we go.
“I didn't say it a certain way,” I reply, praying he doesn't pull us into a long conversation. Speaking about it will make me feel about it, and that’s the last thing I want to do when it comes to Nia.
When I finish staring down at the table, hoping that Nikola will move on quickly, I look up to find that he hasn’t. His eyes have that same suspicious glare he always gets when he’s wondering about me. I've given him plenty of reasons to worry over the past year, so I'm not surprised. I'm just not interested in talking about it. About her . But regardless of how I feel, Nikola’s eyes stay pinned to me.
“Come on, man. I didn't say it in any particular way. Stop staring at me,” I plead.
Nikola’s furrowed brow displays itself in graphic detail.
“Geez,” he says. “You should be a lawyer, you're so defensive.”
I shake my head as I force a chuckle. “That was a bad joke, Nikola. Do better.”
“Uh-uh, don't try to change the subject and deflect it back onto me,” he replies. “What’s the deal, bro? Who’s Nia?”
Fuck. The mention of her name sends memories of her face flashing in my mind like a movie montage. I remember what it felt like to caress her skin—to feel the warmth of her mouth enveloping my cock and sending me reeling—and I instantly yearn to be near her. It wasn't long ago that she was bent over in front of me, her legs spread as she waited for me to slide inside of her. She dripped for me, needing me just as much as I needed her, and I wonder if she still does. What are the chances that she's thinking about me right now?
“Uhh, hello?” Nikola says, snapping me out of my Nia-induced trance and pulling me back to the reality in front of me. “Damn, Rome. You okay? Whoever this girl is, she must be something special if she’s got you staring off into the distance, daydreaming right here at the table.”
“That’s not … I wasn’t daydreaming,” I lie, forcing dirty thoughts of Nia back into the closet of my mind. “Look, I don't want to talk about it because I know how you get, and I'm not in the mood to have you judging me or jumping leaps and bounds to get to your conclusions. I'm just not in the mood, okay?”
Nikola’s eyes widen as he does an Oscar-worthy job of acting shocked. “I'm not jumping to any conclusions. Goddamn. Why am I the villain all of a sudden, just because you're thinking about some girl?”
“I’m not.”
“Then tell me about her. I don't see what the big deal is. We were talking about the pitch to Nix Malone, and then you started having a wet dream at the mention of the name Nia. You're so not thinking about her that you can't even tell me about her? Did she do a good job? Did you have to prepare her for the pitch? Is she your best worker at Sandcastle? How did Nix respond to her? Is she nice? Is she mean? How long do I have to keep going with these questions?”
“Oh, my god, Nikola!” I snap. “Her name is Nia Washington, and she did a phenomenal job at earning her chance to do the pitch with Nix, and of executing it with him in person. He loved it and basically hired us on the spot, and he was head over heels for her because … of course he was. Everything about Nia is amazing. She’s stubborn, and smart, and funny, and persistent, and unashamed, and tenacious, and heartbreakingly beautiful. So much so that Nix Malone asked her out to dinner before we left, but I shut that down immediately.”
Nikola stares across the table with saucer-sized eyes. “Wow. You shut it down? Why?” he inquires, suddenly fully invested in my story now that I'm opening up.
“Because I’m not going to have my employees dating our clients,” I answer.
“Is that against the rules?”
“Not necessarily, but that’s not the point. I wasn’t going to let Nia fall into his trap. Everyone knows Nix’s reputation.”
“So, it’s not a company rule, and it also doesn't have anything to do with the fact that you're interested in her?”
“I never said I was interested in her.”
“But you clearly are.”
“Did you hear the way I just described her? Of course I'm interested in her!” I snap as heat sizzles beneath my skin, making me sweat. “God, you're insufferable. Fine, I fucking like her. Alright? Are you happy now?”
“Of course I'm happy, stronzo . My question is—why aren't you?”
“Because this isn't what I do,” I bark. My voice booms out of my mouth, catching the attention of a few bar-goers. “It’s just like I told you at your house, I don't feel anything for people. That place in my heart—the part that has feelings —is reserved for Natalia. So, I don't want to talk about Nia or get into the details of our relationship. As much as I know you and Isabella want me to settle down, every time I think about it I feel like I'm betraying Natalia. So, all you need to know is that Nia is an employee of mine who I happen to find very attractive with a great personality. We also just so happen to have had sex a few times and I'm terrified that if I spend any more time with her that I'm going to move past interest and actually start to feel something for her.”
“Wait! You've had sex a few times? Are you kidding? You tried to breeze right past that as if I wouldn't latch onto it. You see? I knew I saw something in your eyes the second you mentioned her. Dude, you do realize that it’s okay if you have feelings for someone else, right?”
“I disagree.”
“Why?”
“Because I was married and my wife died.”
“Yeah, four years ago.”
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” I bellow, suddenly angrier than I knew I would be at this conversation.
“Rome, it’s okay for you to move on,” Nikola tries to explain, but my brain just doesn't want to hear it. Even after all this time.
“You see? This is why I stayed away after my dad died,” I snip, quickly losing control of my emotions.
“Because you didn't ever want to hear the truth? You figured you'd be better off living in your world of bullshit and delusion?” Nikola fires back, using his words as missiles to blow apart the defenses I've built around myself.
“Fuck you,” I bark. “You have no idea what I've been through. Both of your parents are still alive, and so is your wife.”
Nikola lets out a long, tired sigh. “You're right, Rome. I’m so very fortunate that I haven't experienced loss the way that you have, and I'm so sorry that your father passed away recently and that the pain of that loss is so fresh in your heart. But I've been here for you the entire time. I've seen you overcome the pain, going through it silently only to come out the other end stronger than ever. I've seen you grow and mature, and I've seen you struggle. I've been the one constant in your life, which means that I'm the person in this world that you can trust. And I'm telling you right here and now, that you're a fool if you think Natalia would want you to use her memory as a reason to avoid your own happiness. You and I both know she would want you to move on and find someone who could love you just as much as she did.”
I want to reply. I wish I had something mean to say—some sort of quick-witted response that would make him stop talking. But when my eyes sting with tears, I know he's right. Natalia never liked to see me upset, and I know four years is a long time, but my father's passing makes it all feel so brand new.
“I …” I start, but have to take a second to choke back tears before finishing. “I just don't know if I'm ready for anyone to replace her.”
Nikola sighs. “Listen to me, Rome. I knew Natalia, and I loved her, too. She was perfect for you—we all knew that—and no one will ever replace her. Ever. You can't even think of it that way. It isn't about replacing her. It’s about finding a way to hold onto her memory while also finding something new for yourself. You deserve happiness, too, bro.”
Try as I might, I can't think of anything to say in response. I know he's right, but that doesn't make it easier. I’m broken. The deaths in my life have shattered me into a million pieces, and I don't know how to put myself back together again after this most recent one. I'm sure I've been confusing her with all of my changes in temperature—one second I'm scorching hot for her, the next I’m giving her the cold shoulder. I'm sure it’s exhausting and infuriating, and I don't mean for it to be.
“Love hasn't been kind to me, Nikola,” I finally manage to say.
“I know,” he replies. “But are you willing to go the rest of your life running from it at the cost of your happiness?”
The question is like a ton of bricks falling on my chest, stealing my breath. I feel a thousand pounds weighing me down and it makes me light-headed and unable to focus. I don't want to run forever, but after all this time, I'm not sure I know how to stop.