Thirty-Four
“ T ell me how it feels. You like that?”
“Oh, my god. That feels so good. I love it.”
“Good girl. Just relax and let me take care of you.”
“I'm all yours, Sir.”
Rome’s fingers press into my skin, pushing all of my stress away. The weight of the world is lifted with each stroke of his fingers, swirling circles on my back that feel like sorcery being weaved against my skin. My hands are tucked beneath my face as I lay on my stomach. Rome straddles my backside with a bottle of massage oil resting next to his leg. True to his word, he hasn't tried to initiate sex, although I’d be more than happy to engage. But he really is all about me tonight. Of all the men I have dated, none of them have ever said that a night should be dedicated to me. It’s just another box that Rome has checked off that I didn't even know existed.
“So, now that I've got you all to myself,” he says, his deep voice massaging my ears just as much as his fingers on my back. “I wanted to tell you that I think you're doing a fantastic job on the Golden Diamond campaign. The billboards you and your team came up with have been Earth-stopping. Every time I pass one on the highway, it draws my attention.”
“Mmm, thank you,” I say, my eyes closed as I continue tumbling into the nirvana that is this massage. “I'm practically just adjusting Jeremiah’s work. He’s the genius behind it all and deserves a raise.”
Rome chuckles. “I’ll be sure to consider that when the time comes. Admittedly, I’d hate to break up the dynamic duo that you two are together. Even Sierra, who we both know isn’t known for handing out compliments, has said that you are doing a great job.”
“Wow. Sierra? I never would've thought that. I get a brand new evil glare from her every single day. Hell, everyone does at this point. She hands them out every morning like donuts for the office.”
“Oh my god,” Rome says behind a laugh. “Has she always been that way?”
“Honestly, I don't even remember,” I tell him. “When Mr. Thomas and his sons were there, I think she was better. I remember her smiling from time to time, although she was always driven to succeed and had a personality as cold as a Philly winter. It wasn't until Mr. Thomas left and didn't give the CMO position to her. I think that’s when I noticed the change. It was obvious that she was offended about being passed over, and she held onto that feeling even after finding out that he needed to sell Sandcastle instead of just stepping down. Although it was a money move for Mr. Thomas, not being promoted bothered her. Now she’s the office evil stepmother, while you're the firm but kind-hearted dad that everyone looks up to and wants to satisfy.”
“Oh, is that what I've become? The dad?”
“Well, I'm personally not big on the ‘Daddy’ thing, but I'm willing to go there if you want.”
“Between the pampers and daddy, I think I'm good. Sir works just fine for me, but only you. I don't need anybody from the office catching on to the title.”
“Thank goodness.”
We laugh together as a thought bubble expands in my mind.
“Speaking of the office,” I begin as Rome slides his hands up my back and wraps his fingers around the base of my neck. “We've done a great job of keeping our little secret from everyone at Sandcastle.”
“Everyone except Jeremiah,” Rome interjects playfully.
“Well, of course. He's one of the besties, and the besties get to know everything. You don't have a best friend that you share everything with?”
“I do,” he answers. “Nikola and his wife Isabella are the people I'm closest to now, but we’re not as close as we used to be. When my father died I put space between us because seeing them reminded me of everything I'd lost. Now that I'm doing better I try to spend more time with them.”
“Good. Everyone needs friends they can talk to, especially when the going gets tough. Have you told your friends about me?”
Rome hesitates a moment. Even his hands stop moving briefly before starting up again.
“I've told Nikola a little about you,” he replies.
“Only a little? We’ve been together almost three months. Why only a little?” I ask. I don't like the tension I feel building up in my neck, especially after Rome just massaged all of it away over the last thirty minutes.
“I'm just private,” he answers. “The fact that I've told him about you at all speaks to how much I like you, Nia. Since my dad died, I haven't told anyone a thing about my personal life. I'm taking baby steps, but that doesn't mean that I'm not walking.”
As the pace and strength return to Rome’s hands, I try to force myself to relax again. Over our time together, he hasn't given me any reason to believe that he isn't all-in for us. He has been insanely considerate while wielding his Dominance at the perfect place and time. He’s surprisingly funny and, as far as I can tell, is fully dedicated to the success of our relationship. I know that all of this is true. So why do I have a nagging feeling that I'm missing something?
He doesn't talk much about his parents. He doesn't talk about his friends and hasn't offered to introduce me, and he doesn't talk about his wife who died. These are the most intimate parts of him, but they seem to be under lock and key and guarded by rabid dogs. I want access to all of Rome, even the part of him that hurts the most, but it’s crystal clear that he is not ready to show me what he keeps pushed back into the darkness. There is a part of me that understands. Pain and trauma are not easy things to divulge to others. But there is another part of me—a bigger part—that wants to know what that means.
Sensing tightness in his posture, I choose not to keep pushing about his friends. I'm sure he’ll tell me everything in time. But when it comes to work, there is still the underlying worry about people finding out.
“What about Sandcastle?” I ask. “I know you're private, but the longer we’re together the more likely it is that someone other than Jeremiah will learn about us. Do you have a plan in place in case that happens?”
Rome’s hands spread out away from my neck and move to my shoulders. “I haven't given it much thought, to be honest. Everything has been fine and I don't see that changing as long as we stay careful.”
“So that’s it? Just keep the secret going? You don't think it might be time to let people know now that we’ve been together for a little while?”
“Not really,” he replies immediately. “Look, we’re happy, right?”
“I think so,” I answer. “I know I am.”
“Good. I am, too. I really like what we have and I don't want to do anything to ruin it. So, I'm not worried about changing course or giving people information that doesn't even involve them. What difference does it make if they know or not? Even if they knew, nothing would change between us. So why worry about it? Why worry about them?”
When I don't answer, Rome finishes the massage and climbs off of me, lying down beside me with his face flat on the bed.
“Let’s not worry about the office,” he says with the tip of his nose pressed up against mine. “Work is stress, and that's the last thing I want creeping in here with us tonight. I want a smile on your face and your muscles relaxed. I want joy in your heart and no outside thoughts getting in. You can think about other things tomorrow, but for now I want to know what’s your favorite movie.”
Looking into Rome’s eyes, I'm torn. I hear what he’s saying, and while it all sounds good, there’s a rock in my stomach that is becoming increasingly more difficult to ignore. “Umm, I love How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days .
Rome smiles. “Perfect. Then let’s get you cleaned up and tucked into a robe. I’ll bring a bottle of wine and massage your feet while we watch How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days .”
He kisses me on the cheek before hopping off the bed, and while I'm excited for everything he just said, my brain latches onto something he said and doesn't let go. Until now, I wasn't concerned about people knowing about us. It wasn't something I was fixated on, staring off into space wondering when this monumental thing was finally going to happen. I was fine with our setup, but something clicked tonight. Amidst all the feelings of joy, relaxation, and satisfaction that Rome bestowed upon me, there's something that doesn't make sense.
What difference does it make if they know or not? Even if they knew, nothing would change between us. So why worry about it? Why worry about them?
It keeps repeating in my head, even as I get up to allow Rome to wipe the oil off of my back with a large towel. If he and I will remain the same regardless of who knows about us, then why is he so concerned about other people finding out? He asked the questions himself, and didn't understand that they worked against his argument to keep us a secret. So, as the movie comes on and Rome pours red wine into a crystal glass for me, I sit back against the headboard and repeat the three questions over and over again. The only change is that I'm asking them from the side of the argument that supports us being out in the open instead of hiding, and that makes all the difference in the world.
What difference does it make if they know or not? Even if they knew, nothing would change between us. So why worry about it? Why worry about them?