Forty-Six - Rome
T he last time I was here, it was right after my father's funeral. I was an emotional wreck, stumbling my way across the grass after everyone had left, with a bottle of Disaronno in my hand and fog in my vision. I tripped over rocks and long weeds on my way, and by the time I reached my destination I was covered in mud, sweat, and tears. It was a living nightmare I couldn't wake up from, especially the fact that I was visiting three people on the same day, at the same place.
I had left my father's freshly dug grave to visit my mother’s old one, only to say my goodbyes and visit my wife’s.
I hate the fucking graveyard. I don't come here often. Who the hell wants to spend all of their time crying over their dead loved ones, surrounded by headstones covered in tears and moss? Agony floats through the air here, and I made a promise to myself that I would show up on birthdays only, because there is no way I could stay away forever, but I also don't want to spend too much time here mourning the dead instead of living my life. Today isn't my father's or mother’s birthday. I’m here for one reason, and as I walk up the hill toward her tombstone, I know this is about to be the hardest thing I've ever done.
Natalia Marissa Giovanni.
Seeing her name etched in stone still fills my stomach with bile that doesn't come up. It’s like a cruel joke that I will never believe is true, no matter how many times I stand here staring at it. We were so happy, then it was stripped away in a flash. Here in the morning, gone in the afternoon. How does anyone get over something as sudden as death by aneurysm? I guess if I knew the answer to that question life would have been a bit easier in the days and years after her passing, but I digress. I’m not here to linger on the past. Today is about the future.
“Hello, Natalia,” I say, as if she is standing right in front of me. Tears prickle my eyes after just two words, but I won't run away today, telling myself that I’ll save the words for next time. Next time may not ever come.
I try not to think too much, knowing that what I'm here to do is vital to my ability to move on with my life after five years of suffering. If I let my thoughts get in the way, they will control me and I won't be able to do this at all, and if I can't do it, then my relationship with Nia will need its own tombstone.
“I know it has been a while since I've been here,” I say, looking down at her stone name. “But you know I don't like visiting this place. It’s almost like being here fills my head with memories of your final resting place, replacing the happy times that we shared while you were still here. I hate that. I don't want to think of you being buried beneath my feet while I stand atop your dirt-covered casket and cry my eyes out, feeling my heart re-break every time I'm here. This isn't healthy … and you're gone. You're not coming back. So, this needs to be the end.
“The reason I'm here right now is to tell you how much I loved you. We met when I was twenty-five, dated for three years while we both matured and got our lives together, and then got married when I was twenty-eight years old. The two years that we were married were the happiest of my life. Every hour was full of bliss, laughter, and passion. You taught me things I never knew I needed to learn—things I will never forget—and you made it so that five years after your death, I still couldn't be happy. I'm not ashamed of it. That’s how powerful true love is supposed to be. It’s meant to be agonizing and long-lasting when it’s real. I wear my heartbreak as a badge of honor, because I was never ashamed of loving you—so why would I be ashamed of mourning you? Inadvertently, you made it so that I could never accept anything other than perfection, because that’s what you were. You were perfect , Natalia, and I never thought I'd find anything resembling it ever again. Until now.
“I want you to know that there is a part of you that will always be with me. I will always have love in my heart for you, but I've finally found someone else. If you're watching, I know that you want me to be happy. You would never wish to watch me wallow in agony every single day for the rest of my life. You'd want me to move on, and you would want me to do it with her.
“Nia is the reason I'm able to smile again. She makes me laugh. She makes me more of a pleasure to be around, and I don't think she knows that her ability to make my heart joyful is more important than her submission. It’s true that she's a submissive just like you were, but you and I both know that finding pleasure outside of the bedroom was always the goal. I have that now, and I can't fully accept it if my sorrow won't allow my heart to mend. I have to heal in order to have her, so that’s what I'm doing now.”
As tears drip from my chin, I reach down and place a hand atop Natalia’s tombstone.
“I will never forget you. The five years I got to spend knowing you will never be erased, and I hope that you don't take my not coming here as a personal slight. You were the love of my life, Natalia, but I can't die with you, and if I don't let you go, then that is exactly what’s going to happen.
“Don't worry about Nikola and Isabella. They are more successful now than ever, and watching me find Nia has helped them to move on, too. They miss you dearly, and I know that they think of you when the four of us are laughing together, but seeing me with Nia is healing for all of us.
“Thank you so much for loving me so fiercely. Our love set the standard. You raised the bar, Natalia, and now I will go on with my life knowing that I have what I have because of the example you set. If something terrible happens and things don't work out between Nia and I, I’ll still remember how much you loved me and never accept anything less than the perfection I saw in you. Thank you for everything. I’ll never forget you. It’s just time for me to move on—to let go … and let love.”
When I turn to walk away, I expect my heart to crumble—to feel the need to run back and hug her tombstone like I have done so many times in the past. But it doesn't happen this time. While I still cry, each step fortifies me. My strength builds as I keep moving, and my sad tears morph into tears of joy and fulfillment. I am made whole now, and while I don't know what the future holds, I know that it is as bright as the sun shining down on me as I climb in my car.
When I start the engine, I don't look back at the grave. I'm letting go. This is the end … and a brand new beginning.