Chapter 20 I Didn’t, I Just Wish I Did
I Didn’t, I Just Wish
I Did
One Year Ago
W
e pass Lilac in the hall. She casts her eyes downward, her shoulder tensing. Calista falls into herself, retreating behind a wall of silence. The quiet between them stretches, as if the smallest word might shatter everything, until Lilac is out of sight, and nothing has changed.
There is never a day Calista sees her and is not broken by it. There is never a time the truth does not weigh on her, like an ant trapped beneath a fallen tree.
The hardest part is Lilac feels the same. She carries the same love, but both are kept apart by Royal duties and miscommunications.
If I had someone who loved me the way they love one another, I would do anything I could to be with them. Or I think I would.
I’d like to believe I would.
I turn to Calista, whose gaze remains fixed ahead.
I’ve thought about it a thousand times over—taking Calista’s love away. I’ve thought of the opposite, too—telling her to give her love back to Lilac. It’s on my mind quite often because it’s always on hers. I am always feeling the loss of love.
But not in a way as severe as what Calista wants me to do.
I’ve never taken emotion—not permanently, not to that extent. I’m not sure I could, but I’m sure I don’t want to. The only person I’ve manipulated is Ms. Ferner. She’s grown better at resisting my power, but I’m still stronger.
I can make her mad, I can make her sad. I can make her punch holes in the wall and scream like a banshee.
I never enjoy a second of it. But I understand why I do it. I understand what usefulness it will one day serve Ilyria and Folkara—the two remaining kingdoms.
Maybe this could be a test. I’ve never met someone with a stronger will than Calista.
She could be the first person to resist me.
“I’ll do it.”
Calista’s head snaps toward me. Her eyes widen—and I feel it, the sudden surge of hope rising in her chest. It’s warm at first, but beneath it runs a chill, sharp as ice.
She’s glad to let go. Relief floods through her.
But underneath that, she’s terrified. She doesn’t want to want this. Not really. Not yet.
I’ll be doing her a favor.
Without a word, she grabs my wrist, pulling me into the nearest empty room.
The door slams shut behind us. The desks are vacant, and the lights are off. The hope that Calista felt moments ago dwindles into fear. What will she be without her love?
We stand in silence as Calista stares at nothing.
But I worry someone will walk into this room before we’re finished. Subtly, I do what other Eunoia can only accomplish with a touch. I reach out to her, pushing past her anxiety, gently probing her thoughts, urging her to speak what she’s thinking.
“Will I… will I grieve her?” Calista finally asks.
The question stuns me. Is she not already grieving Lilac?
“I don’t know.” I shake my head. “Probably not.”
If I were to do what she asked of me, I don’t think she’d feel anything.
I’m not sure I will.
Calista pulls her hands farther from me. She still thinks I need skin-to-skin contact to control her—like all Eunoia do. I’ve never given her a reason to believe otherwise.
“Will I remember how I felt before we fell in love?” she asks quickly, panicking. “All the years before?”
I look down, staring at my shoes, as if they can answer the questions for me. “They don’t teach us about emotional manipulation. It isn’t legal here.”
“What if I’m not ready?”
“You’re scared out of your mind,” I tell her, and she hates that I can read her. “But you’re hopeful. I don’t know why for either.”
Calista steps back, sitting at one of the empty desks. Her hands shake against the surface as she holds the wood tightly.
“I don’t want to leave Lilac alone in this feeling. I thought I was ready to forget, to let go. But I love her too much to be that selfish.” She shakes her head as she looks up at me. “I can’t do it, not unless you take her feelings, too.”
Her gaze finds mine as I settle into the desk beside her. “You know I can’t do that if she doesn’t want me to.”
“But it’d be better for all of us,” Calista says in a rush. “We’re being forced to marry each other’s brothers for gods’ sake! There is no point in maintaining our love when it will only break us.”
Her desperation cracks her resolve. Her body slowly crumples over the desk. She won’t beg me, because she feels she is above it. But she wants to.
She wants to cry and plead.
Slowly, I put my shields back up—the ones I’ve been practicing with Ms. Ferner. I’ve hardly mastered them.
They’re a fail-safe. Ms. Ferner fears I could override someone’s mind even without touching them—that I could kill with a verbal command and eye contact.
The shields are meant to contain me. To keep my powers behind their walls.
My gloved fingers brush her shoulder. “Let me try to help you first.”
Calista shakes her head, hesitant, but her gaze meets mine. It’s all I need to convince her of anything I please.
Anything at all.
“Do you want this?” I ask.
“Yes.”
With her gaze locked on mine, I say, “Tell Lilac how you feel.”
I know what this will cost me. I’ll lose Calista. If she returns to Lilac and her old friends, I’ll be forgotten, a memory of a girl she used to know.
But I’ve felt her heartbreak everyday. I’ve felt Lilac’s confusion, and this is the one thing I can do to change that.
Calista gasps, choking on a breath as she tries to look away—but can’t.
She’s too late. Her mind is already mine to mold. I don’t need to say anything more to convince her, but I do.
“You want to try to find a way to make your love work.” I release her shoulders.
Her eyes flash green for an instant before returning to their usual brown. Her pupils are still wide. She’ll need time to adjust, before she realizes what I’ve done. But for now, Calista exhales, settling back into herself.
And that’s it.