Chapter 21
21
S hit. Shit.
I only have a second to register that he’s fainting, and I scramble forward to catch Noah before he hurts himself as he crumples to the ground. For a moment, there’s a familiar tethering sensation behind my navel, drawing my core essence toward his physical form, but I resist following it. Possessing Noah might let me prevent him from collapsing, but that would make this situation even more of a shit show than it already is.
His bulky form sags as I wrap my arms around his waist. I don’t know why the hell I thought I could keep either of us upright because I immediately stumble backwards and down onto my ass, his formidable body landing on top of mine.
It’s a good thing I can’t feel much pain as a ghost. Or need to breathe for that matter, since Noah’s unconscious form is currently crushing the air from my lungs.
I squirm, trying to wriggle out from underneath him, to no avail. Noah lets out a low groan as I use all my strength to try to roll him off me, but doesn’t budge. I’m stuck.
What the hell do I do now?
This is a disaster.
I can’t believe I left my phone in the closet when I went outside to meet with Max, but I didn’t think I’d need it. He was only stopping by to drop off the collar that would make me visible so I could reveal myself to Noah and have a face-to-face conversation with him.
Ugh, I should’ve gone out, grabbed the collar, then come right back inside. But when I got out to his car, I saw Nugget .
Max brought his ghost pug with him, thinking it might make me happy to see a fellow spirit. Instead, the evidence of not being alone in my ghost state made me burst into tears.
I ugly cried for a solid fifteen minutes as I sat in Max’s passenger seat with the sweetest, snuggliest spirit on my lap, the adorable chunky pug gazing up at me with the unconditional, instant affection dogs provide. Then I spent at least another ten minutes blabbing all my worries to Max, while nervously raking my fingers through Nugget’s surprisingly soft fur.
Nugget’s collar jangles against my wrist as I attempt to free myself from Noah’s dead weight again, and frustrated tears prick at my eyes.
Dammit, I was feeling good when I came back inside. I decided not to wait until the date tonight to show myself to Noah, bolstered by Nugget’s affection and Max’s gentle prodding to get it over with.
Now I’m trapped under Noah until he comes back to consciousness. His body atop mine is a cruel mockery of the intimate moments we shared.
It takes far longer than I’d like to admit to remember that I’m not, in fact, trapped. That I’m a goddamn ghost who can phase through things if I can focus and…
I sit up, moving through Noah’s body to free my upper half, then push myself up to my feet. It’s bizarre to go from being solid to passing through him like I don’t even exist, but I shove the unease at the reminder of how mutable my state is to the side. Now is not the time to have an existential crisis.
I’m free now, but I can’t leave Noah passed out on the floor. I need to do something. I need a plan.
A slightly hysterical laugh bursts out of me. There’s no plan in the world that will fix this situation. The best I can do is make Noah a little more comfortable and be as honest as possible when he comes to.
I want to hide. I’d rather go to that terrifying void that causes gaps in my consciousness than face the heartache and shame waiting for me. But as much as I hate confrontation, I owe Noah an explanation.
After a lot of inelegant maneuvering, I manage to get Noah rolled over on to his back. My heart squeezes painfully when he lets out a pathetic sigh.
I’m about to move away when his eyelashes flutter open, and I freeze, stomach lurching as I look down right into his beautiful eyes.
“... Dot?” Noah’s eyes are unfocused and his brow furrows as he tries to take in the sight of me.
I jolt. He said my name. Not Ghost. Not Jessie. Dot .
He recognizes me.
“H-hey,” I croak, a tear spilling down my cheek.
“What…why are you…?” Noah scrunches his eyes closed and opens them again, like he’s making certain he’s really seeing me. His brows shoot up when he realizes I’m not a remnant of his unconscious mind. “ Ghost? ”
“I liked it better when you used my name, handsome,” I say softly, a sheepish smile twisting my lips. I want to reach down and brush the hair off his brow. To soothe the stress and confusion carved across his face.
He sits up too fast, wobbling as dizziness hits him. I quickly move to steady him, placing a hand on his back so he doesn’t tip over. “Whoa, easy there.”
Noah pinches at his brow, squeezing his eyes closed, and groans. “Fuck, my head hurts. What happened? I’m so confused.”
“You had a pretty bad fright, and you passed out.” Now that he’s upright, I should let Noah go, but I can’t bring myself to do that. “Sorry about that. I didn’t mean to scare you,” I say with a grimace.
Noah opens his eyes and his gaze darts over my face. His brow scrunches, and he pushes himself back so he can see all of me.
My skin tingles under his appraisal and the knowledge that he’s finally seeing me.
His mouth opens and closes a few times as he struggles to find words.
The confusion and growing hurt in his eyes makes me queasy. Needing him to understand, I babble a confession. “I’m so sorry, Noah. I shouldn’t have lied to you. I should never have made up Jessie or bothered you as Ghost. I was angry and miserable and I took it out on you. And you never deserved it. You were a gift, and I couldn’t see it.”
Noah gapes at me as I speak, bringing a hand up to rub at his temple. His eyes shut when I’m done, expression pained. “You’re telling me… you’re Ghost and Jessie?”
When he opens his eyes again, his expression is an inscrutable mix of emotions.
I nod, bracing myself for Noah to rage at me for what I did. “Yes. I’m both of them. But all I want to be is myself now. Please call me Dot.”
Noah’s eyes widen at my confirmation that I’m the woman he connected with years ago. “Why can I see and hear you now? Am I… am I dead, too?”
“No, god, you’re not dead!” I hold up my wrist with the magical dog collar on it. “This is enchanted. I borrowed it from a ghost dog’s owner.”
“I think I need to lie back down,” Noah groans. “None of this makes any sense. How are you here? How are you Dot? You can’t… you can’t be her. That would mean…”
“I’m dead.” When I say the words aloud, the reality of our absurd situation almost makes me laugh. I quickly sober when I see Noah’s stricken expression.
“No…” His eyes grow glassy and he swallows hard.
“Oh, please don’t cry! It’s really okay. Being dead isn’t ideal, but I can’t do anything about it now. I’m fine, see?” I give him as bright and reassuring a smile as I can. “Besides, I don’t think we’d have met each other again if I hadn’t, uh, passed away.”
Noah blinks at me, clearly at a loss for words. I can’t say I blame him. This whole situation is unbelievable.
“In case it’s not clear, I’m really happy about seeing you again. It probably doesn’t seem like it because of the whole catfishing and haunting thing, but in my defense, I thought you ghosted me because you were an asshole, not because of extenuating circumstances.”
God, I need to stop talking, but it’s hard when Noah’s not responding.
“I’m so sorry, Noah. I was awful. You were hurting, and I didn’t know, but that’s no excuse. I understand if you don’t want to talk to me, but we’re kind of stuck together, unless you move out. Not that I want you to move out! I want you to stay.” Panic wells inside me until I feel like I’m going to burst. “Yell at me. Tell me I’m a terrible person. I deserve it. Just please don’t leave.”
Great, now I’m crying. There’s no chance Noah is going to stay when there’s a deranged, blubbering ghost haunting his house.
“I…”
There’s a long pause as I wait for Noah to continue, tears streaming down my face. I startle when he places his hand on my arm.
“Can I hug you?” he asks hesitantly.
It’s my turn to be stunned. “Wh-what?”
Noah squeezes my arm, looking down at it for a moment as if he can’t quite believe that I’m real, then back up at me with a weak smile. “I don’t like seeing you so upset, and I know I could use a hug right now.”
“But aren’t you mad?” I scan his face, expecting disgust or anger. But mostly he looks sad and a little bewildered.
“Maybe? I’m honestly not sure how to feel. This is a lot to take in.” His eyes flick down my body again, then back up to my face, and I swear there’s a hint of desire mixed in with his overwhelmed state.
Or maybe I’m imagining things to make myself hope that he’ll still want me.
Noah wets his lips and all I can think about is how good it felt to kiss him last night. How I crave his mouth against mine, even though I have no right to ask for that.
“You’re the only woman I’ve felt a connection with, and you’re a dead girl who’s been catfishing me,” he says with a forced laugh. “I don’t know how to handle that, Dot.”
He said my name again. It’s ridiculous how much hearing him call me that affects me, but I swear it’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard.
“What I do know is that my mind is screaming at me to hold you, so I know that you’re real,” Noah continues. “Can I hug you? Please?”
I fling myself gracelessly against his chest, almost knocking him over as I clamber to wrap my arms around him.
Noah lets out a surprised grunt, but a moment later his arms encase me, holding me tight despite everything that’s happened.
After a few seconds pass, he releases a shuddering sigh. “If only I’d asked to hug you before we did all that…other stuff.”
“Why?” I whisper, fighting back tears of relief at how right it feels to be held by him, the steady beat of his heart against my chest and his soft herbal scent soothing me.
“Because I would’ve recognized you, Dot,” Noah says, his voice thick with emotion. “That night we met… I swear when we hugged, it was like my body knew we belonged together. I could never forget this feeling.”
There’s no holding back the broken sound I make at his words, spectral tears now freely flowing down my cheeks as I burrow my face against Noah’s shoulder. He strokes my hair, letting me release the emotions I’ve kept pent up since long before I died.
It felt ridiculous at the time to be devastated by the rejection of a man I barely knew. Logic told me he wasn’t right for me and that I’d been silly to let myself get swept away in a romantic fantasy, missing signs that Noah wasn’t interested. Now it’s clear that sometimes the body knows what the mind can’t comprehend.
He felt it too. And now we’re together again, changed, but still fitting together perfectly, jagged bits and all.
“I thought it was just me,” I say between shuddering breaths. “I thought I’d made it up in my head, how right you felt. When I never heard from you…”
“I’m so sorry,” Noah murmurs. “I should’ve reached out.”
There’s absolutely no reason he should apologize to me, given the circumstances around why he ghosted me, but hearing the words still heals something inside me, anyway.
“Don’t apologize,” I croak, emotion clogging my throat. “I understand now. I’m sorry?—”
“I know,” Noah interrupts. “I’ll have plenty of time to be angry once I get over the fact that you’re… you.” He releases another weighty sigh. “ I can’t believe that you’re here. That I have another chance to…”
“To what?” I ask when he doesn’t continue, pulling back so I can look into Noah’s eyes. I’m momentarily dazzled by the look of hesitant hope sparkling in them.
“Be with you?” he says with a half smile. His brow furrows. “I’m not sure what that even means, being with a ghost.”
That pulls a small chuckle from me. “I don’t know. You seemed pretty damn good at being with me last night.”
He laughs, a hint of a flush washing over his cheeks at the reminder. “Thanks.”
Our smiles fade after a moment as we gaze into each other’s eyes.
“I want to be with you. Whatever that means,” I whisper.
Noah nods. “Okay.”
It feels too simple. “Okay?”
“Yeah,” Noah murmurs. “I’m done being careful and worrying about what the reasonable thing to do is. Reasonable went out the window when a goddamn ghost starting haunting me.”
I laugh, my body suffusing with warmth and effervescent hope I haven’t felt since the night we met. “True.”
Noah leans in a little closer. “No one knows what the future holds, so what’s the point of wasting time fighting what I want?”
“And what’s that?” I ask, already knowing the answer I thought I’d never get.
“This,” he whispers, pressing his lips to mine in a soft, tentative kiss.
After a moment, he starts to pull back, but I don’t let him. I kiss him back with everything I have, and he groans against my mouth, holding me tighter.
Noah holds me like he never wants to let me go. Which is good, because he’s stuck with me. There’s no way I’m letting this man get away again.