Chapter 25
five months later
“ I swear to God, if you suggest another shade of beige, I will strangle you in your sleep. We’re not painting the kitchen ‘oatmeal’.” I throw the offending paint chip at Noah for good measure, snorting as it bounces off his forehead.
“Hey, that could’ve hit me in the eye!” Noah scowls and picks it up to chuck it back at me, but he’s too predictable. I go incorporeal just in time for the paint chip to soar impotently through me and down onto the floor.
I pick it up with a smirk and move over to him, going up on my toes to kiss his cheek. “Sorry, babe. I’ll be more careful with your precious mortal body.”
Noah snorts and rolls his eyes at me. “Says the ghost who got so excited the last time she possessed me she fell off the bed and almost cracked my skull open on the edge of the nightstand.”
I scoff, crossing my arms over my chest even as a shiver of pleasure at the memory of that night washes over me. It’s true that I go a bit wild when he lets me inside him like that, but he’s partially to blame. It’s not my fault that his mixture of dirty and sweet thoughts makes me lose my mind. “You contributed to that, too! With all your sexy thoughts and how hard you came.”
Noah closes the distance between us, wrapping his arms around me as I continue to pretend to pout. Familiar warmth expands inside me as I soften and hug him back, leaning into his perfect, soft bulk, and inhaling his comforting herbal scent. I don’t think I’ll ever get over how good it feels to be held by Noah.
“You’re right, ghost girl. I was partially to blame. Though, to be fair, you drive me crazy.”
“And not just in bed, right?” I ask, sticking my tongue out at him.
He laughs, squeezing me tighter. “Maybe a little. But I love it. You know I do. Just like…” Noah hesitates and my gut clenches with anticipation.
We’ve been dancing around saying the “L” word to each other since that day months ago that I revealed myself and confessed to my deceptions. At first, it was because we needed to actually spend some time together and see if we fit together as well as we’d hoped we would. Now that some of the initial new relationship butterflies and lust have worn off, it’s easier to tell that what I feel for Noah is real.
It’s obvious from the way I catch Noah looking at me that he loves me. It’s obvious in his kindness and care. Hell, he suggested doing this kitchen renovation so I would have more space to cook and bake—something I’ve gotten really into now that I’ve started hosting little dinner parties at least once a month for Max, his fiancée Mona, and Nugget.
Yes, I know Noah loves me without him having to say it. Just like I know that I love him. But I’ve held off saying it because I’m worried love isn’t enough.
Sometimes, in the quiet moments when Noah is at work or messing around in the herb garden he’s set up in the backyard, that worry becomes so strong that it paralyzes me.
I know it’s unreasonable to expect any kind of long-term commitment from him, even as we play house and pretend that everything will work out. Noah has the rest of his life ahead of him. A life that shouldn’t be monopolized by a dead woman.
The guilt that I’m holding him back is almost as strong as my desire to clutch him tight and never let him go. The key word being almost . Dying has made me a lot more selfish than I was in life, and I’m struggling to be the better person and consider letting him go.
I don’t even have the excuse any more of wanting to keep him around so I won’t end up living in a house with a stranger if he leaves. Not since Max managed to track Vincent down and discovered that the vampire asshole was already being prosecuted by some kind of paranormal council for fraud. Thanks to that lawsuit, it looks like I’ll regain most of the money I lost when he scammed me. It’s enough that I could buy the house from Noah and live here indefinitely without fear of being bothered by a new owner.
So yes, I want Noah to stay solely because he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I want him to stay because I’ve fallen so deeply in love with him I wake up every day with a smile on my face, knowing I get to spend it with him. If he leaves, it’ll hurt infinitely more than when he ghosted me.
I’m unable to hold in my shuddering sigh at the thought, and Noah tenses against me.
“If it’s too soon, I won’t say it,” he murmurs, breaking my heart a little at how concerned he sounds. He’s always worrying about me, and I’m worried he’ll never put his own needs first.
“No! It’s not that.” I pull back to look the kindest, most wonderful man I’ve ever met in the eyes, and find so much love shining back at me in them, that it’d take my breath away if I were still alive.
“I love you so much, Noah,” I whisper, unable to keep the words bottled up inside me any longer.
His eyes widen in shock for a second, and then he’s beaming at me, his whole face lighting up in delight. “Yeah?”
“Yeah,” I breathe. “I know I shouldn’t say it because I don’t want to guilt you into staying with me. But I can’t help it, Noah. I love you and I never want to let you go.”
Noah’s brow furrows in confusion, his brilliant smile flickering. “Why would you need to let me go? I don’t want you to. I was worried maybe…” He reaches out to stroke my cheek. “I thought that maybe once the novelty of having someone to interact with wore off—now that you have more friends and people you’re able to spend time with—you might realize you don’t want me the way I want you.”
“What?” My mouth falls open in shock. “Don’t be ridiculous! You’re my favorite person.”
Shit, I’ve been so worried that he’s getting sick of me, that I had no clue Noah had doubts about how I feel.
He lets out a heavy, relieved exhale and smiles softly. “Thank god. I was ready to plead my case to you, so you’d give me more time to show you my merits.” Noah cups my cheek, tracing my lower lip with his thumb reverently. “In case it’s not clear, I’m so fucking in love with you, Dot. You’re my favorite person, too.”
Tears well in my eyes. “Yeah?”
“Yeah.” Noah lowers his lips down to meet mine in a tender kiss, cupping the back of my head to hold me close. I bask in the honeyed warmth and pleasure that suffuses my body whenever we kiss.
When he pulls back, I give him a crooked smile, a little dazed by how happy he makes me feel. “Do you love me enough to let me paint the kitchen flamingo pink?”
Noah lets out a surprised bark of laughter, then scrubs a hand across his face with a defeated groan. “Yeah, ghost girl. If that makes you happy, then go for it.”
“Hah, sucker!” I say, wrapping my arms around his neck. “Who knew all I had to do to get what I want is tell you I love you?”
“I thought it was already obvious I’d do anything to make you happy,” he replies, shaking his head in amusement at my glee.
“About that…”
Noah groans again. “Please don’t tell me you want me to put that terrible wallpaper back up in the bedroom.”
I laugh. “No, you’re safe. Even I’m not that cruel.”
I take a stabilizing breath and force myself to say the thing that’s been rattling around in my head before I lose the nerve. “No, I wanted to tell you that if you ever change your mind—if being with me becomes too hard or you need more than what I can offer—I’ll understand. I know I’ve had a vengeful streak in the past, but…” I look him in the eyes, willing him to listen to me. “Noah, your happiness matters as much as mine.”
Noah blinks at me, clearly taken aback by my words. “Dot, you make me happy.”
I shake my head. “I know that. But if there ever comes a time when I’m not making you happy and it’s not something we can work through, I want you to prioritize yourself for once in your life.” I swallow hard against the lump in my throat. “Will you promise to do that for me?”
“I…” Noah’s plush lips downturn and I can tell he’s fighting against trying to reassure me it’ll never happen by the way the muscle in his jaw ticks.
“Please. I don’t want to spend half the time we’re together worrying I’m holding you back.”
A soft, slightly pained expression forms on Noah’s face. He lets out a sigh and nods. “Okay, sweetheart. I promise.”
The weight of worry that’s been sitting on my chest lifts. I hate to even consider a day when Noah will leave me, but it’s a relief all the same. Maybe I’m not as selfish as I thought.
“Thank you,” I murmur, giving him a weak, watery smile.
“You have to promise me, too.” Noah narrows his eyes at me. “If you get sick of me, tell me. After all, unless I continue the family legacy of having shitty health, you’re going to stay the same while I eventually turn into a wrinkly old man.”
I pretend to grimace at the thought, but the truth is, I’ll just be happy to see him grow old.
In the back of my mind, there’s often the morbid question of what will happen when he dies.
Will I remain?
Will he become a ghost too, or leave me alone once more?
Will losing that connection to the living world through Noah be what’s needed to let me pass on to whatever lies beyond this existence?
I’ve done a lot of research on spirits, with Max’s help, but so far everything I’ve found is anecdotal. Only time will tell what happens, so I try not to perseverate on it.I’m not about to spend what time I do have with Noah wallowing in fear of losing him or ceasing to exist. It’s a miracle that I’m able to be with him at all and I won’t squander that.
I give Noah a coy smile, batting my eyelashes at him. “Hmm, I think I’ll be able to cope. I’ve always had a bit of a thing for older guys.”
“Oh really? Should you start calling me daddy then?” Noah squeezes my hip possessively as his dominant side shows itself. Most of the time, I’m the one in charge, but it’s fun to mix things up. Especially because his dirty talk gets extra filthy when he’s dominating me.
I roll my eyes, secretly liking the idea. “We’ll see.”
Noah laughs and I tug him down into a kiss, molding my body against his so I can be as close to him as possible. Or at least as close as possible outside of possessing him.
There’s no way to know for certain what the future holds for us, but when I’m in Noah’s arms, that fairy tale romance I’d always hoped for feels possible. When I’m held by the man I love, knowing he loves me in return, I’m more alive than ever.