Chapter Forty-Five Blake
Chapter Forty-Five
Blake
Levi was asleep in his hospital bed. They wanted to keep him overnight, but Marshall would be kept for a few days.
I’d just come from Marshall’s room, so Palma switched with me.
She was in there with Heath, and I sank into her vacated seat with an extra sigh.
Neither had tried speaking to me. I couldn’t be mad about that because I understood.
Of course they would blame me. They should.
I was tired. Not just physically exhausted, but my soul was tired. My emotions were fried. My thoughts were numb, except the only thing I could think and feel were the same emotion.
Betrayal.
He took four innocents.
Creighton broke my rule.
“Hey.”
Lassiter was in the doorway. He paused, took me in, and closed the door behind him quietly. His eyes trailed to Levi before his shoulders seemed to deflate. “I’m leaving.”
“What?” Panic sliced me. “Why—” I stopped because I knew. Of course I knew. Creighton hadn’t just betrayed me. Suddenly, the numbness lifted, and I was feeling everything all at once. Shame. Anger. Fury. Guilt. And underneath all of that, sadness. “Are you coming back?”
I was losing another person I loved.
He was quiet for a long moment, his eyes downcast before he lifted his chin up.
I felt burned. Agony shone bright from him for a beat before he masked it. He struggled for words before he lifted up a shoulder. “I don’t know.”
Anger shoved forward, and suddenly I was seething.
Creighton did this. Lassiter got between him and me, and Creighton did this.
“Why’d you do that?” I couldn’t keep the bitterness out of my voice.
He winced. “What?”
I scowled at him. I couldn’t help myself. Everything was falling apart around me.
My roommate was shot. My other roommates were probably traumatized from being kidnapped because of me, because of Creighton. “You knew what he’d do. You gave away his bargaining chip and you—”
He tore himself away from the door, his hands fisted at his side. “Are you fucking kidding me?”
I flinched because he was right. He was so right.
I hung my head, the fight suddenly gone. A hollowness moved into my chest, spreading through me. I whispered, “I know. I know. I’m sorry. I—” I didn’t want him to leave, not him either. Was this the beginning of the departures?
Lassiter was going first. Who was next? My roommates? This was a final line that was crossed, and I couldn’t say that I didn’t understand. I did. I got it. Who was after that? I gazed at Levi, wanting to think he’d never leave me, but everyone had a line. Eventually it would get crossed.
That’s what Creighton did, because he only had one line. Me.
My lungs were burning.
God.
What was I going to do? What could I do?
“Look, Blake. I’m leaving, but I’m not leaving you.
Okay? I’m not mad about what I did. I’d do it in a heartbeat because the asshole shouldn’t have taken them in the first place.
But let me be very clear here. I’m not mad he took them because that violates some moral rule you might think I have.
I don’t give a fuck that he took them. It was wrong that he took them because of you.
You have morals and shit that the rest of us don’t.
Levi. Me. Creighton. We’ll kill and maim and hurt whoever we need if it means we’ll survive and the ones we love are protected.
” He gave his head a savage shake, biting out, “I didn’t do that shit because of me.
I did it for him. He loves you, but I love him.
I . . . I need space. I’m not even mad at what he almost did.
I knew what he’d do when I opened my trap, but it’s final now.
Hell. I don’t know if that makes sense, but I don’t give a fuck right now.
I’ll be back. Don’t cry about this. Just, you know.
” He turned half away from me and gestured in my direction.
His Adam’s apple was moving up and down, and he closed his eyes as if he couldn’t bear the sight of me. “You’re the best of us. Stay that way.”
Tears blinded me. I couldn’t see him for a moment.
My throat hurt.
I blinked to clear my vision, letting some of the tears fall, and when I could see again, he wasn’t there.
I’ll be back . . . I replayed that in my mind. But would he?
Would he really?
He was gone.
And in a flash, I felt like I was back in Mr. Nathan’s car before Miss Marcie’s house. I was eight all over again. I was alone all over again.
The world felt too big, too oppressive, too heavy, and I couldn’t get any oxygen.
A shadow moved from the doorway.
The back of my neck grew hot. The ache in my chest twinged. I knew without looking who it was.
He was there so soon after Lassiter had left, so he would’ve overheard, and knowing Creighton, he probably overheard everything.
I couldn’t. I just couldn’t.
I didn’t want to see those dead eyes of his trained on me, with no remorse, no feeling, nothing except a vacancy that would never be filled.
I couldn’t look at him. “I don’t want to see you.”
His voice came out low, “Blake—”
I raised my voice. “I don’t want to talk to you.”
“You’re angry.”
I whipped my head to his. “You’re goddamn right I am.
I’m livid, Creighton. I want you gone. I want silence from you.
” Jesus. That blank gaze of his. No soul.
Nothing. Just . . . What did he have? An obsession with me?
When would that go away? He’d never feel how I did, how Lassiter did, how Levi did.
He’d never feel love. He wasn’t capable.
I drew in a ragged breath, and something broke inside of me. It fell, and I could feel it withering to nothing until I was back to being numb all over again.
I welcomed it. I couldn’t handle anything else right now.
I looked away. “You broke my rules.”
“Blake.”
The soft tone from him did nothing to me anymore.
“Leave.” One last look. He wasn’t the only one dead inside anymore. I let him see what he’d done to me. “I never want to see you again.”
His eyes flared, but he left.
Good.
I sat there, my hand reaching for Levi’s, and I was relieved.
I was also lying to myself.