Freaking Out
Chapter thirty-three
Jake
I drop my spade when I see Alex running up to me from the side of the house.
I smile at him. “Hey, Alex. I’m making a vegetable garden, what do you think?
” I ask, hoping he likes it. I know I won’t be able to eat whatever grows out here, but the thought of creating life in this small way makes me happy.
I go in for a hug when he gets closer, but Alex grabs my arms, stopping me.
“We need to talk,” he says with a worried expression on his face, and my stomach drops. I listen with growing horror as he explains what Sasha told him. My father is going to have me killed. Again. I sit down hard on the grass and pull my knees up, head in my hands.
Alex sits next to me, hand on my arm, and tries to console me. “We’ll figure something out, Jake. Sasha is going to help us,” he says but I’m already shaking my head.
“He’s never going to stop, Alex. Fuck! If it’s not the hotel, it’ll be something else.
He’s never going to just leave us alone!
I’m dead. He’s going to kill me, regardless of what happens to this hotel.
I’m a threat to him, he knows I can destroy his life.
I’m surprised he hasn’t already done it.
” I pull at my hair, using the pain in my scalp to ground me.
“It’s never going to happen Jake, I won’t let it.
Ever. I told you once that I’d kill your father, do you remember that?
I meant it. I have an entire journal dedicated to taking him down.
The ball is in motion, we just have to be smart about it.
He’s not going to hurt you. Having Sasha on our side is huge. ”
“I don’t trust him,” I say. I hate the idea of one of my father’s people staying here. I don’t trust that he won’t turn on us.
“I know babe, but I’ve confined him to the basement. And if he really wanted to kill you, he would have tried. He wouldn’t have come to me first. Trust me for now, can you do that?”
I nod my head. Right now, that’s all I can do. Trust that Alex knows what he’s doing. He wraps his arms around me and gives me a light kiss on the cheek. I hold onto him tight and try to absorb some of his strength and courage. He has more in one pinky than I’ve ever had, and I need it right now.
“Do you want some more pot? I can ask Brandon if he has any. Who am I kidding, of course Brandon has pot. It seemed to calm you down last time.” He leans back and runs a hand down my chest. “You were very calm, very cuddly.”
I snort. “I don’t think so, brat. But thanks. I need to learn how to deal with my panic on my own.”
“You could talk to a therapist. We could hire one to come to the hotel. I know Seth sees one. It’s a bit easier, seeing as he’s alive… but we could probably bribe someone to see you off the record. I want you to be happy, babe.”
“And I love you for that. But I don’t know if I can talk about what’s happened to me to some stranger.” I run my hands through my long hair, wishing I had a hair band to keep it out of my face as the breeze whips it around.
Alex considers that for a minute. “You could talk to me. I already know a lot of it, and I won’t judge you for anything. It could help to not keep it all inside.”
“You want to be my therapist?” I ask.
“Yeah. I want to know what you’re thinking. I want you to trust me enough to let me in, especially when you’re having a bad day. I can carry some of that burden for you. I know I talk a lot sometimes, but I think I could be a good listener for you.”
I think about it for a bit while picking blades of grass out of the ground. I shouldn’t do that; they’ve never done anything to me. I lay them back on the ground gently.
“Okay, here goes. I was raped and murdered by a friend of my father’s.
I thought I was safe from him as a ghost, but the universe must be playing a cosmic joke on me because he came back from the dead and kidnapped me.
He was going to hurt me again, Alex, like it was nothing.
It didn’t matter how much I didn’t want it.
It was never my decision, no matter how much I begged for it not to happen.
I don’t feel like my body belongs to me, even now that he’s gone.
I keep waiting for someone to take something I don’t want to give.
I don’t feel like a whole person, and I hate constantly looking over my shoulder for threats.
I’m sick of people touching me like they’re entitled to a piece of me.
Sasha being here terrifies me more than I can tell you because he is a reminder of all of the worst parts of my life and I know we need his help because my father is going to kill me, once again proving that what happens to me is not my choice. ”
He nods solemnly. “And how does that make you feel?”
I can’t help but laugh at his serious expression. “Not good, brat,” I say and throw my pile of grass at him.
“Sorry, I thought that’s what therapists were supposed to say.
Thank you for trusting me with your feelings, I will always do my best to protect them.
Any time you need to vent, please come find me.
I don’t want you to hold all of this pain in.
I know it’s hard to talk about.” He squeezes my hand.
“And if I ever make you feel the way you just described, promise me you’ll tell me.
It would kill me to know I inadvertently hurt you. ”
“You don’t, ever. I love the way you touch me, the way you ask for permission to do it.
You’re the only person who’s ever asked for permission to touch me, like it matters to you what my answer will be.
I love that, and I hate that I like it so much because I don’t want you to see me as this weak, pathetic thing. ”
“It takes a strong man to ask for what he needs and protect his boundaries. You are not weak or pathetic; you could never be that. One day you’ll see it. You are a whole person, and your body will always be yours to control. I'll do everything I can to make sure of that, with me and everyone else.”
I nod, letting his words sink in. I try so very hard to believe them. “Thanks for the session, doc. So, what’s your professional opinion? Am I fixable?”
He pretends to think about it for a second, rubbing his chin. “Hmm. Well, you’ve got a lot of issues, I’ll give you that. I don’t think you’re a complete lost cause though,” he teases, trying to lighten the mood.
“Thanks. I feel like we made a major breakthrough there,” I tease back. “Maybe you could talk to me about your parents sometime?”
“I’d love that. I’ll check my calendar and see when I can pencil you in.” He gives me another hug before he leaves me to my gardening. I'm feeling flayed open but lighter. Maybe this therapy thing isn’t so bad.
***
Alex
I leave Jake to his gardening, feeling inadequate.
I know I can’t do the work for him, but seeing him struggle hurts.
I want this hotel to be a haven for the both of us.
We’re supposed to be happy here, running this haunted hotel together and yet, it’s still the source of so much pain.
I change direction, heading to the basement to find Sasha.
We’ve got to expedite Operation Take Down Jake’s Dad; it’s the only way he’ll feel safe and happy again.
And I will do anything to put a smile on that man’s face, always.
I find Sasha in one of the rooms of the basement, sitting on the damp floor in the dark and smoking a cigarette, the only light in the small room coming from a table lamp he must have nicked from one of the rooms. I let it go for now.
“Sasha, good to see you. I need you to put together any evidence you have and call Mr. Covington, get him to come here to the hotel. Alone. Tell him that we agree to his demands, that Jake will hand over the hotel and come home, on the condition that he will not be harmed. Once he gets here, we’ll throw him into a woodchipper. ”
“You have woodchipper?” he asks.
“No, but you can easily rent those,” I say with a wave of my hand. “Not the point. We need to get rid of him.”
He takes a drag of the cigarette and blows the smoke in my direction, dark hair falling in his eyes. “He will never agree to this plan. He will know you are up to something.”
“Maybe, but we have to try something! I doubt the next guy he sends after Jake will be as nice as you, and I can’t take any chances with Jake’s safety.
Mr. Covington fucked around and now he’s going to find out.
He could have left us alone, but he chose violence instead and we’ll dish it right back to him. ”
“You have killed someone before?”
“No!”
“How do you know you can do this?”
“I don’t! That’s what the woodchipper is for. If he accidentally falls into it, it’s technically not murder.”
He eyes me like I’m a crazed lunatic. I roll my eyes and wait for his response.
“Okay, I will make call. Can I come out of the basement now?”
I sigh. “Take room twenty-eight, it’s empty. Stay away from Jake for now. He knows you mean no harm, but he’s still skittish.”
“Understood.” He stands up and dusts his jeans off. I study the scars and tattoos on his hands.
“Where’d you get all the ink?”
“Prison,” he says simply.
“I knew it!” I blurt out, before slapping a hand over my mouth. “Sorry.” He just shrugs and moves to walk past me.
“If you don’t mind, I will shower first.”
“No problem,” I say as I watch him leave. I spend the rest of the afternoon doing busy work around the hotel, trying to decompress.
***
“I want you to fuck me,” Jake says that night in our room.
I look over at him, his hands balled and spine straight. He needs to release some tension, and I am always down for sexy time.
“Ooh, you want to fuck, baby? How do you want me? Hands and knees? Over the dresser?” I purr. I’ve been working on my seduction techniques, and I hope he notices.
“I want you on top.”
“Wait, on top? You want me to fuck you? As in, fuck?” I thrust my hips a little and instantly feel silly.
“I think that’s what that means, yeah.”
“Jake, that’s a huge step. Are you sure you’re ready? Today was a tough day, and I don’t want you doing this just to try and prove something to yourself, or to me. I love what we do, and we don’t have to change that.”
He runs his hands through his hair. “I know that. It’s something I’ve been thinking about for a while now.
I love what we do, too. Fucking you is amazing.
But he was the last person in me and I can’t stand it.
I want it to be you instead. I trust you and I want to do this with you.
Not just to prove a point, but to make new memories.
Better ones.” After a minute he adds, “Plus, I’m always the one doing all the work. Maybe it’s your turn for a change.”
I walk up to him and wrap my hand around his necklace, giving it a gentle tug.
“Ooh, you’ve got jokes. I’m rubbing off on you.
” I waggle my brows at him. “Okay, we can try this, but if you change your mind you have to tell me, and we’ll do something else.
I’m not going to hurt you, and you’re not going to push through with something you’re uncomfortable with.
As your Dom, you will obey me on this. Understand? ”
He rolls his eyes, smiling softly. “You’re not my Dom, we’ve been over this. But yes, I understand. I need you to take control right now."
“Okay, but you need safe words. We should have done this before. Do you want to use the traffic light system? Green means you’re good to go, yellow means slow down, and red means everything stops immediately.”
“Yeah, I like that. Sounds simple.”
“Take off your clothes then, I want to make you feel good.” He has his clothes off before I do, and I instruct him to lay on the bed.
He obeys. “Good boy.” I crawl on the bed next to him, not touching yet.
“First, I’m going to suck your brain out through your dick.
Once I’ve done that, I’m going to make love to you.
Face to face. I love watching your beautiful face, you’re so expressive when you come. ” I trail a finger down his cheek.
“That sounds good.” His throat bobs as he swallows and I can tell he’s nervous. I’m nervous too.
“I’ve never topped anyone before. What if I run out of steam halfway through?”
He laughs. “Then I’ll take over, brat. I’ll flip you over and finish the job.” He gently grabs the finger I have resting on his cheek. “Now, I think you have a job to do…”
Before long I have him relaxed under me as I prepare to slide inside of him. I spent more time than was probably necessary preparing him, but I’ll take no chances when it comes to his comfort.
“Are you ready?”
“Yes,” he moans. “Fuck me.”
“Color?”
“Very green.”
With that, I slowly sink inside of him for the first time, carefully watching for any sign that I need to stop.
Feeling him around me is the best thing ever, I decide.
I rest my hands on either side of his rib cage, keeping my weight off of him as I fuck him.
His head is tossed back, hands gripping his pillow tight, and I continue to study his face as I make him feel good.
“Who’s fucking you right now?” I ask, cupping his chin and forcing his gaze to meet mine.
“You are. Alex,” he moans, and it’s almost my undoing.
“I’m about to come,” I say, studying the sharp line of his throat he has bared to me. “Work your cock for me.” He does as I command, and we both come at the same time. I flop down onto his stomach, boneless, and he wraps his arms around me.
“That was perfect, thank you,” he whispers into my hair. I hum in agreement.
“Don’t get too used to it. I don’t have the physique for strenuous activity,” I say. “I’m a pillow princess at heart.”
“You are not a pillow princess,” he laughs. I don’t have the strength to argue with him. “You’re also not a Dom.” That perks me up. I straddle his waist, sitting gently on his lower stomach.
I tweak one of his nipples, and he lets out a yelp before grabbing my hand. “When will you accept that you’re my submissive boy-toy?” I ask him.
“Does it feel submissive when I’m fucking you?” he retorts and lifts his hips off the bed a little, jostling me. I put my hands on his chest to steady myself.
“I’ve told you before, position doesn’t determine dominance. I allow you to submissively fuck me.” He belly laughs at that, and I grin. I like making him laugh.
“I think we may have to agree to disagree on this one, brat.”
“It’s sir, Jake. Sir.” I lean down and cover his body with mine, kissing him breathless.