Therapy
Chapter thirty-eight
Jake
“I’ll be here the whole time if that’s what you want,” Alex tells me and I nod my head.
Just then the therapist appears in the doorway and Alex and I both stand to greet her.
She’s younger than I thought she’d be, maybe mid-thirties.
Her black hair is pulled up in a bun and she’s wearing thick, black framed glasses.
Dressed in a pencil skirt and matching jacket, she looks every bit the professional, and that instantly puts me at ease. She looks safe.
“Hi, are you Jake?” she asks me.
“Yes, hello.” I reach my hand out and she takes it gently. “We can do this in here, if that works.”
“It’s perfect,” she says and sits on the armchair opposite the couch.
Alex and I sit back down. “It’s nice to meet you, Jake.
And you must be Alex,” she says, looking at him.
“I’m glad you called me. So, for our first meeting we’ll start off simple.
I’ll tell you a bit about myself, and you can tell me more about the things you’d like to work on during our sessions.
We’ll get to know each other a bit, make sure it’s a good fit. ”
“Sounds good,” I say.
“My name is Lisa. I’ve been a therapist for six years.
I attended Binghampton University for my undergrad in psychology.
I got my master’s at NYU and recently received my Ph.D.
in clinical psychology from there as well.
I specialize in trauma counseling and often work with patients that have experienced everything from childhood abuse to domestic violence, sexual assault and physical assault.
Alex mentioned on the phone that you’ve been dealing with panic attacks and night terrors, but we didn’t get into specifics. Do you have any questions for me?”
I shake my head.
“Okay, we can start whenever you’re ready. Give me a brief rundown of what’s been going on and I’ll see if we can come up with a plan to help you out. You can say as much or as little as you want. Do you want Alex to stay in here, or do you want to have a one on one session?”
I take a deep breath. “I want him to stay.” Alex squeezes my hand and I give him a small smile before I start talking.
“Where do I even start?” I ask. I decide I’ll leave what happened with my father for another day.
I’m not prepared to think about him today.
“I was raped, a few months ago. By a close friend of my father’s.
It wasn’t the first time. It started when I was…
really young. My father practically handed me to him on a silver platter.
He killed–tried to kill me when I ran from him.
He came after me again recently. Kidnapped me and…
he tortured me, and someone else I care about.
He’s dead now, but I still feel like I’m waiting for him to come back somehow, hurt me or Alex. ”
I lean forward and rest my elbows on my knees, hiding my face in my hands in embarrassment.
“This probably sounds so pathetic coming from someone like me. I’m supposed to be strong, be a man, get past it, whatever.
Be able to fight back. I just feel weak.
Like I can’t be what Alex needs. Some days I don’t even know why he sticks around.
” I watch her write down some notes on her pad before setting her pen down.
“Thank you for telling me that. Male victims of crimes like sexual assault and rape are a lot more common than you’d think, they just often don’t report it. It can happen to anyone; how big or strong you are has no bearing. Did you report your assaults to the police, or tell anyone in your life?”
“No, I didn’t think anyone would ever take me seriously or believe me…” I trail off. She nods and patiently waits for me to continue. “If I had told my father when it was happening, he would have killed me for it. Told me I deserved it, brought it on myself. That kind of thing.”
“I see. That’s a tough position to be in. Most people don’t report. It’s a choice every survivor has to make for themselves. You’ve done nothing wrong.”
“Even if other people got hurt because I didn’t?” I ask her.
She nods. “What people choose to do is not your fault. Their actions are not on you.”
“Okay.” I wring my hands in front of me. “He’s gone now, my father is gone, and Alex and I are trying to run this hotel… but I’m still terrified that something is going to come for me that’ll take me away from this place.”
“What do you think is going to come for you?”
“I don’t know. What if he’s not really dead? I saw him die in front of me, but sometimes I don’t believe it’s real. I can’t.”
“Are you talking about your father, or the man who raped you?”
“Both.”
She jots a few more notes down on her pad. “Do you take any medications for anxiety or depression?”
I shake my head.
“Would you be interested in trying one?”
“No, I don’t want to take anything,” I say simply.
“Okay, that’s fine. I’d like to go over a few exercises with you that can help you during a panic attack.
Alex, I’d like to discuss some things with you as well that I think will be beneficial.
I have some resources for partners of sexual assault survivors that I’d like you to read. Does that sound good?”
“Absolutely. And I just want to say, for the record, that I don’t see you differently because of what happened to you, and I don’t think you’re any less of a man.
I know I’ve told you that before, but I think it bears repeating, because I want you to believe me when I say it.
I’ve never been… assaulted, so I don’t know what it’s like to go through that, or what it’s like to have to live with it afterward. But I want to learn for you.”
I shake my head again, heart constricting at the thought of Alex being subjected to that kind of torment. “I glad you don’t know what it’s like. I don’t ever want you to know that.”
***
By the end of our session, I’m emotionally wrung out. Lisa left us both with homework. I feel exhausted, but also hopeful that maybe I’m not irreparably damaged.
“I’m so proud of you. Do you want to see her again?” Alex asks as he wraps an arm around my shoulders.
“Yeah, I do. This’ll be good for me; for us. I want to be better for you.”
He rubs my back. “I’ll set up our next appointment with her, then. I love you, baby.”
“Love you too,” I say and lean in for a kiss. Alex turns to face me and rests a hand on the side of my neck as he kisses me softly.
“Let’s go to the lake, recharge for a bit. I want to be alone with you,” he says when I break the kiss. That sounds perfect.
***
Alex
I set our picnic basket in the grass when we get to the lake. As much as I want this to be a regular date, we need to focus. Work first, then play.
“We’re going to work on meditation."
He nods. We sit cross legged in the grass and close our eyes. Become one with the Earth, I tell myself. I can feel the energy from this soil nourishing me, replenishing my life force. I am the Earth. The Earth is me. I am Jake, we’re entwined. Everything is in balance.
I pop an eye open and look at Jake. Is he charging?
I can’t tell. I wish we had little percentage indicators above our heads.
He looks like he could be charging. His eyes are still closed, and his face is relaxed.
His hands are resting on his knees, and his breathing is even and shallow.
He looks like he could be asleep. I want to poke him and ask if it’s working, but I don’t want to interrupt his process.
God, he’s beautiful. I take a minute to study the lines of his face.
His perfect, straight nose, the beautiful wavy brown hair that cascades down his shoulders.
I love his long hair. More men should have long hair.
He looks like an angel. Maybe he is? We’re dead after all.
Who says we can’t be angels if we want to? He’d look hot with a pair of wings.
I whine, and he opens his eyes. Oops.
“Why are you staring at me, brat? You’re supposed to be meditating,” he says with a smirk.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt you. I was just… taking in the beauty of the landscape, you know?”
“Oh okay, that’s what that noise was about then?”
“You’re a bit of a narcissist, aren’t you? Not everything is about you, just so you know.” I close my eyes again and try to keep the smile I feel forming from showing on my face. This is serious time!
We get back to our meditation, and after a while I pop my eyes open again.
“Hey, Jake?”
He sighs and opens his eyes. “Yes, Alex?”
“Would you like to try charging in the lake? I was thinking maybe we could go for a swim?” I ask hopefully and squirm a bit in the grass.
“It’s impossible for you to sit still, isn’t it?” He smirks and looks over to the lake. It’s a gorgeous day today and no one else is around. We have it all to ourselves.
“I can sit still! I just want to swim right now. We can have a competition to see who can hold their breath the longest. I want to swim down to the bottom and see if my car is actually down there. What do you say?”
He stands and wipes off his pants. “Okay brat, let’s go swimming.”
I stand and follow him to the edge of the water. It’s the bluest water I’ve ever seen in a lake. There is a narrow beach of sand that wraps around the lake, and I debate asking Jake if he’d like to make a sandcastle. No, Alex. Work, not play.
I watch Jake as he looks out at the water, nudging him with an elbow. “First step to swimming is taking off your clothes.”
“I’m not getting naked out here,” he says.
“You don’t have to get naked, just strip down to your boxers.”
He takes a deep breath and pulls his shirt off. I know he hates feeling exposed, and he's been more guarded since his abduction, but I do love looking at that lean body. I rip my shirt and jeans off before he can finish and run into the water.
My body tenses, trying to adjust to the temperature. “It’s cold! Jump in!” I encourage.
He wades slowly into the water, adjusting bit by bit. Smart man. I swim out a little and he follows.
“This is nice,” he says.
“It really is. I’m gonna swim down and look for my car,” I say before taking a deep breath and plunging below the surface. I swim down for what feels like a mile before heading back up. I should have planned this better, I can’t see anything down there.
Jake laughs as I push my hair off my forehead, catching my breath.
“We’re not even in the deep end of the lake.
It’s probably less than ten feet to the bottom.
If your car is in here, it’s most likely on the far side of the lake, over there.
” He points towards the other end of the lake.
It’s far away and looks ominous. Dark. Like it’s holding secrets, and maybe a car. I shiver.
“Fuck the car,” I decide, and splash Jake. He sputters and splashes me back. I squawk and lunge at him, wrapping my arms around his neck and climbing onto his back. “Swim me around the lake, I’m getting tired.” He hooks his arms under my knees, and I wrap my legs around his waist.
“Aren’t we supposed to be meditating?” he asks.
“Yes, but we’ve been working so hard. We deserve a break. Now swim!” I command. “But not towards the creepy side. I don’t want to go over there,” I say and put my face in the crook of his neck.
“I thought you wanted to find your car.”
I shake my head. “I’ve learned that it’s best to leave some things in the past. I’ve moved on.”
He laughs at that. “Uh huh.” He swims further out until we’re in the middle of the lake, and I push off from his back, floating face up, looking at the sky.
There are a few clouds up there, and I watch them race across the sky.
It’s hard to believe we have this little slice of paradise all to ourselves today.
As much as I wish this hotel was more successful, I know I’d miss having this with privacy with Jake.
Out here, it feels like we're the only two ghosts in the world. He floats next to me in silence.
We close our eyes. “Good thing we’re not iPhones,” I say. “We’d ruin our battery.”
He snorts at my stupid joke, and we fall back into silence for a long time, floating.