Chapter 17
Payson
The water from the showerhead sprays down on me as I lean my head against the cold tile.
My heart is broken. Shattered into what feels like a million little pieces.
How could Kraig do this to me? Most importantly, how did I not see him for what he is?
The rumors weren’t just rumors. I wanted so hard to believe that they were all lies.
That what he told me was the truth. Was he even a lawyer?
Or was that some fake cover up to make me believe that his “business trips” were actually real?
The images of them are stuck in my mind, playing on a steady loop that won’t shut off.
At first, I only saw movement where there shouldn’t have been.
Then his voice. Speaking in that low, familiar tone.
My stomach twisted, the contents threatening to come back as I stood there and watched.
Instead of forcing myself to turn around and run.
Then I saw her. Not just anyone. Vivian.
I wish I could erase the way he looked at her.
Like I never mattered at all. Disposable, temporary.
I squeeze my eyes shut, but it doesn’t help. It’s implanted there.
It’s haunting me.
I grab the loofah I brought in the shower with me, suds it up, and scrub away at my skin.
I feel disgusting. Nasty. There is no telling how many women he’s slept with since me.
It’s probably why he never wanted to do anything apart from the handful of times.
I try to recall if we ever not used a condom.
As far as I remember we always did, because he didn’t want to risk anything happening, like kids.
Come to think of it, he never made me finish like he made sure she did.
When he used to ask me if I did, I always said yes, but the truth is he never could make me see stars.
Not like how it’s described in the movies or those spicy romance novels I love to read.
A knock sounds on the door, and I look up from my brightly red skin, which is now sore to the touch. Ashton’s face pops in from behind the door as she eases her way inside.
“Are you okay?” she asks, ever so softly. I shrug my shoulders. How do I explain to my best friend, who has the perfect husband, that I am falling apart inside, but on the other hand I am thankful and a bit relieved?
“I’m fine,” I answer, turning off the water and grabbing a towel, wrapping it around my body and stepping out of the shower. “Is it weird to say I’m sort of relieved?”
She chuckles and shakes her head. “No, of course not. I would be worried if you weren’t.”
“Does that mean I didn’t love him? Not in the way I should have since we were engaged,” I ask.
“Pay, you loved the idea of being engaged. You loved the freedom he represented. But can you ask yourself when the last time you were happy was? I mean truly happy. Not worrying about where he was, or why he didn’t answer. When was the last time you went out and had fun just for you?”
“The party a few weeks ago,” I say.
She gives me that look I have seen many times.
The yeah sure whatever you tell yourself to sleep better at night, look.
But she’s right. That wasn’t for me, it was a business event.
Even though my little blue friend had to help me later that evening, from being all too worked up from the intensity of his stare on me all night.
My knees threaten to buckle as I try not to think about it.
About him. But my brain doesn’t let me forget the sinful way I pictured his face as I found my release.
All he was doing was watching me from across the room, and he had my body reacting in a way I never felt before.
“You’re right,” I tell her, running the brush through my wet locks. “I wasn’t in love with him. I was in love with who I thought I was with him.”
“I always am. Now get dressed. I need to go find the one I call my husband and you need to get you a couple drinks and play a few rounds. Trust me, you won’t be worried about that sleezy snake after a few drinks.”
I smile slightly at her then finish getting ready to head downstairs.