Chapter 21
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
Travis
6 YEARS AGO - AN UNFORGETTABLE DAY
Leah tightly holds onto her journal as I hand it to her, showing how important it is. But it’s not as important as my time with Isabella, so I don’t exchange much with her and rush to the elevator.
There are a few things my mind is wrapped around: school, my time, my future, and myself. But Isabella being here today frees me from them. Even if it’s just for a while, I love that she has that effect on me. Her presence alone warms my heart to an extent no one has ever done before.
She may not know it, but she’s all I have and need in life. And though it might sound irrational or fast for me to say, I can’t help it. She’s all I see whenever I close my eyes and all I think about whenever I hear a slow song at the mall. Which is why I’ve planned on giving her the promise ring once I’m back home. I’ve had it for months now but never got the chance to give itto her, but now I can. It will be like a foot into the gate of what our future together could be like. A future I find myself waiting for with my hands clasped together in anticipation.
“Hey, I’m back.” I enter the room and see her lying on the bed with her arms used as a pillow behind her head. “Leah won’t be bothering us anymore.” I drop the keys on the table.
She gets up and slides from the bed. “Good, because I’m leaving,” she says.
“What?” I’m put to a halt before I can reach her.
“I’m going home.”
“Wait, wait, why?” I reach for her arm as she ties her shoelaces, bent and avoiding my gaze. Before I can grip onto her, she abruptly shifts, and my fingers slip from her.
“Why? Are you serious?” she asks out loud, her voice taking over the room. “I literally came all the way here to spend less than half a day with you because I couldn’t bear to spend a second longer without you, and you ditch me.” She ties the knot on her right shoe and bounces up from the bed.
“I didn’t ditch you.”
I can’t comprehend what’s going on as the mood has now drastically shifted to something I can’t recognize. Sure, I left during a moment we’d both been waiting for, for as long as I can remember, but I had no choice. It’s not as if I didn’t come back as soon as I could. I did. I came back.
“Yes, you did. You left me here alone while you went to give a stupid journal to that girl. That seems to be more important than me, so I’m leaving.” She heads toward the door, her back hanging on her shoulder and her back at me.
“Don’t do this, Isabella. This is not a big deal. I’m back, aren’t I?”
She turns back. “Yeah, you’re right. It’s no big deal.”
I breathe out, relieved, thinking she’s calmed down. False. Her feet sweep the floor as she turns back towards the door.
“Isabella!” I yell after her before she gets to turn the knob. “Babe,” I murmur this time.
Her hair swings back as her head turns, but her hand is still gripping onto the knob. “You know, it’s not only about the journal but also everything. It’s you, it’s me—it’s us. We’re off,” she begins.
“What?” I stand there as I stare at her face. It’s long, mellow, and hiding thoughts I had no idea about. The glow in her eyes a few minutes ago has disappeared and my shoulders drop.
“I just… I have to go. See you when you get back home.”
The door opens and she walks out of it. “Wait. Isabella!” I yell as I rush to follow her.
And just like that, she was gone, and I keep asking myself what the fuck just happened.
I couldn’t stay on campus any longer as the sight of Isabella standing by the door continued to haunt me. She left, and I didn’t know why exactly. Most of all, her words kept repeating in my head… about us. What did she mean but ‘we’re off’ ? What happened during those five minutes I was downstairs giving Leah her journal? And why did that launch this turn of events?
After she had run off from my vision, I only had questions, so I hopped in my car and headed to town. Her house was all I had in mind as I drove four hours to reach her. I’m still in the dark, but I don’t want to let go of this day without making things right with her, no matter what I might’ve done or didn’t do.
Thankfully, I’m still in good blood with Mrs. Kirby as she lets me in without much to say but a welcoming hug. I don’t get to see her much these days, but every time I do, I regret never insisting on hanging out with her in the early stages of my relationship with her daughter. I tend to believe she was created to give birth to Isabella and take care of her because of how deep her love is. No matter what Isabella says or denies, I’m sure she thinks about it, as well. No other woman could ever fill the role of her mother in any lifetime. Of all the reasons I adore Mrs. Kirby, one of them is how she shows such warmth and affection towards her daughter and those in her circle, including me.
“Upstairs,” she answers after I had asked for Isabella’s whereabouts.
“Thank you, Mrs Kirby,” I say as I walk toward her room.
My heart is locked in fear of the unknown as I hold my arm up to knock on her door. I’ve never hesitated to knock on her door before—not that I’ve ever had to. But, at this moment, I… I’m scared.
I finally hit the wooden door with my knuckles. “Who’s it?” her voice echoes from behind and I take in a deep breath.
“I know you could hear me downstairs, Isabella. Let me in,” I say, my voice shriveled.
The door swings open for me and I see her walk away from me towards the bed, not even looking me in the eye, giving me a hug, a kiss, or attention. Things she’s always done the second she sees me.
“What’s going on, sunshine?” I ask as I close the door behind me. I close my eyes, preparing for whatever she has to say.
She ignores me and picks up her phone. Her head is bent toward it as she’s seated on the bed, and I stand there.
“Sweetheart,” I call, but she doesn’t lift her head. “Babe,” I try again.
She sighs. “What are you doing here, Trav? Aren’t you supposed to be finishing your project with Lisa?” she finally speaks.
“Leah,” I correct. “You know what? That doesn’t matter. Why did you leave without any explanation? What happened back there?” I move toward her, my thighs tensing the more I go. “Talk to me.”
I get down on my knee to her level and she shoots up as soon as I do. She gets away from me and moves towards the right side of her bed, leaving me alone. “You know damn well why I had to get out of there!” she yells.
I rapidly check the door in hopes her mother doesn’t hear us. Then, back at her. “No, I don’t. So, tell me.” I get up from the floor.
“Fine.” She throws her phone on the bed. Those same deem eyes I had seen back in my dorm have now reappeared before me and I don’t like it. “I haven’t seen you in weeks, Trav. Weeks. And when I finally made it to you, you didn’t even seem to be happy to see me.” She begins, staring deep into my eyes.
“Of course I was happy. My heart pounded at the sight of you. Sure, I was deep into what I was doing at the time, but I was ecstatic to see you, Bella.”
“You could’ve shown it.”
“I—” My voice raises a bit and I stop myself as I close my eyes again, taking in another deep breath. I must keep calm. “You know I’m always happy to see you. I don’t even have to say it.” I tone down.
“Yes, you do. Just a while ago, I was all you could think about. The main purpose of me even having a phone was to see your name on it every time you called. And you called a lot ,” she continues to raise her voice, but the more words come out of her mouth, the easier they break.
“Indeed, I haven’t called much, but I’ve been busy with school and?—”
“I know,” she interjects.
I skim down her arm and take her hand in mine. “I promise, once this semester is done, I’m all yours.”
She lets out a heavy breath and chuckles. “What is this? What are we doing here?”
“What?” I strengthen my hold.
“I shouldn’t have to be demanding for your attention, nor for you to pick up your damn phone and call. This isn’t the same anymore. I feel like I’m some weight on your shoulders every time I call or text you. I wait for your response every night like a pitiful dog waiting for their master under the rain and when I don’t get any, I get all over my head.” She swings our arms as she speaks.
Now that I’m closer, I see the tears form in her eyes and they do nothing but break me. I’ve never made Isabella cry before. Ever.
“And I know it’s probably because you’re already asleep, at a party or working on another project with some girl you never mention, but to me, it’s like digging a six-foot grave. On my own. And every time I do, I think about how tiring it is.”
“I always answer your texts,” I say.
“So not the point. The point is that we’re no longer in sync. You’re at school, always busy and I’m here. I’m tired of always having to wonder where you stand in this relationship.”
“With you. I stand with you.” I lose my calm and follow her pitch. “Isabella, I love you.”
She quickly blinks, clearing her eyes from any sadness. “And I do too, but that might not last long if we keep doing this.”
“Be careful with what you say, Bella.” My attention peaks as soon as those words slip from her lips.
She slides her hands out of mine and holds onto my hand instead, taking the lead. Her touch is smooth on my skin but feels rough on the edges.
“I don’t want to always have to think about how you feel about me, my situation, and everything,” she says.
“What are you talking about? I don’t care about any of that.”
“Of course you don’t. You’ve never thought about it, have you? About our differences and how everyone seems to be aware of where you and I are headed while we’re blinded by this ‘love’ ?” Her tone has reduced to tranquility.
“I don’t care about how people view us, and nor should you. Sure, I don’t talk much about what’s going on in your life, but that’s because I know it’s a sensitive matter and I don’t want you to start thinking far into it.”
“That’s the problem. You keep avoiding it. You keep avoiding the obvious.”
I drop her hand.
“The obvious?” I raise my voice again. “What do you want me to do? Rub it in your face that I’m in college and you’re not?” I stumble back as I sigh, looking up atthe ceiling.
This is further from what I had envisioned. I chicken out whenever I try to bring up the conversation about her academic future. Not because I fear the complicity of the discussion but because I want her to find her way on her own.
I’m first in line to know how it is to have everything decided for you. I have my mother for that. Every decision in my life, she’s the co-writer. Not once have my thoughts mattered, and I didn’t want that for Isabella. She has the right to take her time and figure out what her life holds and talking to her about it and sharing my opinion will only alter her decision-making. She’ll sew my words into her brain and use them to draw and walk her path, which is something I don’t want to happen. I never thought this was how she understood me, though.
“Seriously, where’s this all coming from?” I shift toward her, maybe too quickly, as she steps backward, stunned. “I one hundred percent support any decision you make about your life. I care about you, and I would do anything to make you happy. The last thing I want is for you to doubt that. Clearly, you don’t see that.”
My heart keeps compressing in my chest as I express myself, and looking at her as she slowly drifts away from me only tears it apart. I don’t like the nonchalant and realization look on her face one bit. With everything we say to each other, I feel her hands slip away from mine and with every moment that passes, I feel like I’m losing her.
“Look at me,” she whispers. “What do you see?”
I pause and look at her. “You,” I murmur.
“Anything specific?”
I look down, brushing my forehead with my palm, slowly getting heated. “I see you, Isabella.” I look up. “You’re gorgeous, you’re my girlfriend, and at the moment, you’re driving me insane.” I barely make every word out. My voice is low and struggling to be heard.
She sighs. “I’ve cut my hair,”
My gaze shifts to her cherry-looking, and indeed, short hair, and I stay silent. It’s still past her shoulders but is short enough for me to perceive if I were to be focused on it.
“You didn’t even notice that did you? How am I supposed to believe we’re okay if you didn’t even notice I had cut a few inches of my hair? Before, that’ll be the first thing you’d see without me even having to flaunt it in your face. For heaven’s sake, you were running your hands in my hair back in your dorm while we were making out and you still didn’t notice.” Her voice gives up and breaks. A line of kept-in tears drips down her right cheek to her shirt.
“I—”
“It’s not just about the hair, college, or people’s opinions of us. It’s everything. We don’t know each other anymore, Travis,” she continues.
“Yes, we do. Maybe not everything about each other, but that’s what being in a relationship helps with. Getting to know each other better than anyone.”
I stare at her and I feel it in my bones—I’m losing her. I’m losing Isabella Kirby.
“Let’s end it, Trav,” she says.
Everything around me stops existing and tears flow down from my eyes. “What?”
“Do you know what last month was?”
I don’t question her as I quickly answer, “Your mother’s birthday.”
“Yes. And our second anniversary,” she says.
And it hits me.
“I understand the circumstances in which you couldn’t come back home to spend it with me, but you could’ve at least called, but you didn’t. I’m not calling you out on things you’ve failed to notice or do, it’s only human. But it’s all just a tiny piece of a bigger picture.”
I reach for her hands again, yearning for her warmth. “I’ll do better next time. I promise.”
“There won’t be a next time. Whatever this is, let’s end it here,” she blurts out so easily.
Those four words slipped out so easily. So fucking easily. Yes, I didn’t come home for our anniversary, but I didn’t forget about it. I had planned to surprise her with the ring, but things unexpectedly came up and I couldn’t anymore. But I was going to come. I was.
“Isabella!” I whisper her name. “Bella, please.”
“For the past four months, I’ve seen you like twice, and even during those times, we never really spent time together. It’s become complicated.”
“I thought we were fine. We are fine.” My chest hardens as I hold on to her and the little hope in me. “I will spend more time with you at every chance I get. I’ll call at least three times a day and won’t miss any other anniversaries. I’ll do anything, just—don’t do this.”
“It’s too late, Travis. I want to end this for both of our sake. For your sake.”
She’s not yelling anymore. I would prefer if she was hollering at me than keeping a perfectly serene stance. Her talking to me in a calm demeanor only frights me even more.
“How is breaking up with me for my sake?” I yell in return.
Isabella keeps her mouth shut.
“Name one reason I shouldn’t call this a bluff,” I demand.
“I loved you so much and depended on you for so long that I never thought I could imagine a life without you.”
“And what’s wrong with that?”
“I don’t want that anymore. You don’t have to understand or try to fix it. You can’t fix what’s broken in me, Trav. So, let’s break things off quietly and leave everything as just a memory. Hmm?”
“Babe, seriously, this is not funny.” I chuckle as I wish for this to be a dream. A very bad dream.
“I couldn’t be more serious about anything than this. I’m breaking up with you,” she says, and my head falls back. “I love you, and I always will but I’m not in love with you anymore.”
“Bella.”
“I’ve had it. We don’t have a future together, and you know it.”
“You’re my fucking future,” I wail. “Isabella, please.”
Anything pride in me completely vanishes as I drop to my knees in front of her. “Don’t leave me.” I grab onto her left leg, staring at her feet. “Please.” Droplets of my painful sobs fall to the surface, and I watch them enlarge.
“I’m sorry,” I hear her speak, and those words are like a stab to my heart. Deep and painful, she struck.
I let go of her leg and grasp the skin of my chest, where my heart belongs. “Don’t do this. My heart—” It’s burning inside my chest.
“Please, Travis, leave.”
I stay on the floor for what feels like minutes in silence. Nothing washes over my mind during those minutes, and I continue to hold on to my dear chest.
“Did you even love me at all?” I finally let out.
“Don’t.”
I get up to face her and look at us through the mirror behind her. “Please, answer me. Did you love me?”
She smiles. “I did and always will.”
I wish I never looked through that mirror. I lose it and succumb to the pain and sob. She’s already in the past. She did love me. Did as in no more does. Isabella did love me.
“But that love isn’t strong enough to carry me anymore,” she adds.
“You see, I still had a glimpse of hope you were kidding. And I could’ve gone on believing that, but I wish you hadn’t said that with your fingers crossed.”
She had her fingers crossed when she said she loved me. The entire time, she was lying.
“I’m sorry,” she says again, and it pisses me off.
I inhale deeply while gazing at her for the last time as my girlfriend and the one I was prepared to put a ring on. Before I leave, I take one last look at her and ponder the moments we spent together, wondering if she was secretly wishing for a different outcome in many of those moments—her fingers crossed.
I guess I’ll never know.
— CHAPTER EPILOGUE ?—
My head spins as I walk up the steps to Billy’s front door. He’s the only one among us living without supervision at home. His parents lost their lives way before I came to Road Haven and since then, he’s been riding solo. I never mention them to him as it’s a tough subject, but I sometimes wonder. I wonder what things could’ve been like for Billy if they were here longer.
I knock on his door, tears still dripping on my cheeks and awhole lot of liquor sitting in my stomach. It takes about thirty seconds before he opens the door. I know that because my head swings left and right to the beat of the clock in my mind, counting to thirty.
“Hey, what are you doing here?” A smile washes over his face as soon as he sees me. I briefly return one to him before swaying on his porch. “Hey, hey, hey.” He grabs me before I hit the ground.
“She broke up with me, man,” I murmur. I close my eyes, still in denial of my present.
I thought to myself that maybe if I were to whisper it, it could still be considered a prank, a joke, a nightmare, or even my imagination. Maybe it wasn’t real.
Billy tightens his grip on my arm and lifts me up. “What? What did you say?” he asks.
I can barely keep my legs up as my body wobbles in his arms. He drags me inside and I hear the door shut behind us. “Aren’t you not supposed to be in town?” he states the obvious.
My feet blindly follow his steps, and I struggle to open my eyes, battling my lashes. “Yeah…” I answer.
“So, what are you doing here?”
He drops me on the couch, my back slamming on the cushions. “Isabella,” I say. It’s like a breath of fresh air. Her name.
“Of course! You couldn’t even wait a week to see her? What a Loverboy.”
I open my eyes to the white ceiling of his living room, envisioning Isabella’s face an hour ago, slowly cracking the thin shells of my heart.
“She broke up with me, Billy,” I say again, this time loud and clear.
“What?” a high-pitched voice takes the stage, and it pushes me to get up to sit. A beige cardigan-clothed Dan sits on the sofa to my right with his fingers intertwined.
I finally take in my surroundings and stare at them as they do the same with me. Silence takes over theroom and I drown. Did I hijack their fun? Fuck, I think I did.
I start laughing like there’s no tomorrow while my face gets covered by the tears of my agony.
“Damn, he’s drunk,” Billy says to Dan.
I continue to giggle on my own. “She broke up with me.”
The boys don’t say anything and just stare as I slowly drift away into darkness, and I don’t blame them for that. On the contrary, I thank them for not saying anything right now.
I hit my chest. “Me.” And again, violently. “Me, Billy.” The chuckles slowly turn to squeals, and I lose control. “And you know what’s worse?” I get up and roam around the couch. “She said she wasn’t in love with me anymore. She said I didn’t care about her. Can you believe that?”
Billy takes a seat on the sofa on my left and they both listen as I rumble on. At this point, I don’t even recognize their presence. I could be talking to a wall, and I’d still be this miserable.
I attempt to get back to my seat but miss the turn and hit my hips on the couch, losing balance.
“Hey, careful.” Dan jumps up.
“Me, Dan, didn’t care about her. Can you believe that?” I hysterically laugh.
“Just calm down and tell us what happened, okay? Did you do something to upset her?” Dan asks, back in his seat.
I chuckle again. I can’t stop laughing because this entire thing is ridiculously painful. “I didn’t notice her haircut,” I say.
“Hmm?” Billy hums.
“Her haircut. She cut her hair. Did you know that? Because I didn’t. At least I didn’t realize it.”
“Is that why she broke up with you? Because of her hair?” Dan follows.
“No, because I didn’t call her much. Actually, no, because I missed our anniversary. Or the hair thing, I don’t know.”
“Travis,” Dan stares at me, his voice slashed.
“She—” My chest fires up and I struggle to say anything else. “I can’t let her go to bed thinking we’re done, Billy.” The latter gets up and walks toward me. Moments later, I feel his grip on my upper arm, holding me steady.
“I know,” he says, and that alone floods me with the memories I have of her.
“I can’t let her go just like that. I love her, man.” My breathing turns rough, and I belt down to the cold floor.
“Are you sure she didn’t say anything else that was bad? Think about it.” Dan joins us on the floor, stooped.
“Dan!” Billy hisses.
I blacked out! The second she called us off, I was gone.