Chapter 16
“Leanne?” Jerry spoke barely above a whisper. The love and concern filling his voice made her want to rush to him and have him hold her, promising everything would be fine.
Without moving a muscle, still kneeling on the pantry floor looking at the shelf in front of her, she made a whimpering noise and asked, “How could you do this to me? How could you live such a lie, knowing how I felt?”
She turned her head and looked at him. “How many other things have you deceived me about? Just exactly what kind of a man have I married?”
Jerry was fighting back his own tears from the pitiful sight in front of him, mixed with his own broken heart.
“Leanne, sweetheart, please come out of there so we can talk.”
She nodded and stood. “Yes, I promised to give you equal time, so the sooner it’s done, the sooner I can leave.” Choking on the last few words, she rushed past him and sat at the kitchen table.
She refused the offered coffee, so he poured himself a cup, mostly to have something to do. He had never been so fearful in all his life as he was this moment. If he said the wrong thing, he would lose her forever.
“Can we pray together before we start?”
“I’ve already prayed, but I won’t be stubborn about that.”
He reached to take her hand and she refused him, with a gentle shake of her head and placing her hand in her lap.
Praying a heartfelt prayer for guidance and wisdom, he said “Amen,” and opened his eyes.
“Leanne, I’m still the same man you said you fell in love with. The man that loves you more than life itself. I know I should have been honest with you, and I swear I was going to, soon.” He looked downward and shook his head. “It just wasn’t soon enough.
“I won’t make excuses for waiting, but you know there has been a lot going on. When I realized I couldn’t live without you, I was afraid to tell you, until I knew for sure you loved me enough to know the truth. I thought we were at that point.
“But I was also afraid not to tell you, realizing the more time that went by, the more disappointed and hurt you would be. Of course, I worried that you would feel exactly like you do right now, wondering what other things I may have deceived you about. I can assure you, there is nothing else. I have shared openly and honestly about everything.”
She stood and put water in the kettle, setting it on the hottest spot on the stove.
“Leanne? Are you listening to me? Do you hear anything I’m saying, or are you turning a deaf ear to me?”
“I am listening, and I’m thinking.” She turned back to him, speaking calmly. “But I can’t help but see all the devastation that you Yankees caused. I’ll never be able to erase it from my mind. There’s nothing you or anyone can do about that.
“I fear the hate I harbor against Yankees can’t be undone. I don’t want to live in hate the rest of my life, with you being a constant reminder. I don’t want to hurt you every day for the rest of your life, and I’m afraid I would.”
“Sweetheart, the thought of losing you is the deepest hurt I could suffer. But I don’t want you to live in misery. I love you too much.”
He sat in silence as she made a cup of tea and sat across the table from him. “How are you feeling? The doctor wants to see you again if you’re still ailing.”
“I’m tired, Jerry. I’m confused, heartsick, scared, mad, feeling betrayed and unsure of everything. I don’t think the doctor can fix any of that.”
“God can, and I believe He will. Why don’t you just take it easy and let me tend to things around here?”
She let out a sarcastic giggle. “You’re going to do laundry? Cook?”
It was good to see her smile just a bit. “Absolutely not. I was going to get Walt to do it,” he teased. “My cooking would send both of us to the doctor.”
She toyed with her cup between small sips, trying not to let herself weaken to the charms of this man she didn’t want to love. But that was the problem…she was hopelessly in love with him. If only her mind could shut out the screams and visions of devastation she witnessed. Jerry could have been one of the soldiers she saw committing such violent acts. Even if he wasn’t, he was still reinforcing them.
“If you don’t mind, when I finish my tea, I think I’ll go to my room for a while.”
He nodded. It was a start, even though he had hoped for more. All he could do was pray for her, for them, and take things slowly.
Looking at her as she rose from her chair gave him concern. She was pale and looked thinner. There were dark circles under her swollen eyes.
“Are you sure you’re okay? When was the last time you ate something?”
She shrugged. “I can’t eat. I can’t sleep.” Setting her cup in the sink, she walked past him without another word.
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Thanksgiving was Thursday, with Leanne feeling she had nothing to be thankful for. Her friends wouldn’t be with her for the holiday and that would leave her and Jerry alone again to talk, or not, but always feeling awkward.
They had been alone for two days and had barely spoken since the first morning. Jerry had stayed on her about eating and taking care of herself, forcing her to at least try to eat a few bites at each meal. He noticed she always fixed a good meal for him, yet she chose to eat only things such as soup and bread. At least she was eating.
“Odd how things change so quickly,” she sighed as she lifted another spoonful of chicken soup to her mouth. “Less than two weeks ago, we were planning a wedding and special things for the holidays. Now…” she shrugged. “There’s nothing. Nothing special, no plans, just an empty hole in my heart.”
Jerry stopped cutting the chicken on his plate and set his utensils down when he saw tears rolling down her cheeks again.
“Leanne, what can I do to make this better? Tell me anything and I will do it. My heart is shattered to know you hate me, but it’s even worse to see you in such misery. Please talk to me and tell me how we can fix this.”
Thinking for a moment, she asked, “With you living way out here, how did you end up in the war? Why did you choose the Union?”
“My mother’s brother needed help, and so I went to live with him in Ohio almost a year before the war broke out. I was planning to come back here and bring my uncle with me before it started.
“I was twenty years old and in great physical condition, which made me an instant target for enlistment. I didn’t choose it, I was forced into it.
“As much as I hated it, I followed instructions and excelled in my duties. All the time just wanting to come home and be out of something I felt I had no business in.”
She stirred her soup around and finally took another bite. He assumed the conversation was over and resumed eating.
“As much as I despised the kind of man Staley was, I’m sure he didn’t inflict the kind of pain you did, and on as many people. I’m sure he didn’t kill as many men as you did. And what about women and children, Jerry? How many of those did you kill or leave homeless?”
He gritted his teeth, vigorously cutting the chicken into bite sized pieces. He was upset that she would ask these things, especially comparing him to a criminal.
“It was a war, Leanne, not a lifestyle choice. I don’t appreciate your insinuations. We can talk peaceably without purposely hurtful comments. I will answer all your questions openly and honestly, but only if you stay civil.”
He stuffed his mouth full and looked at her sternly as he chewed. How could she be so cruel?
“Well then, answer me. How many men, women, and children were killed or left homeless by you?”
He squinted at her and swallowed. “I will have you know that my men and I never killed or brought any harm to anyone outside of a battle. We actually arrested some other Union troops for their despicable behavior. You must really have a much lower opinion of me than I thought possible. And here I was trying to hold on to hope that you still loved me. What a fool I’ve been.
“Any other questions?”
She looked down in her bowl and continued to stir. “I’m sorry. I don’t think you’re that kind of person. I just saw too much of it, and in my mind, all Yankees are like that.
“But you’re a decorated officer. Surely, you rose in the ranks because of slaughter and pillaging victories. What else was there to be decorated for?”
He calmed down, knowing she was trying to understand, and wasn’t being accusatory anymore.
“After supper, I’ll show you my medals and tell you what each was for. I have nothing to hide even though some things may be upsetting to you.”
She nodded and finished her meal silently.
Jerry left the kitchen when he finished eating, going to the parlor to stoke the fire in the fireplace as he did every night. His thoughts were on that box of medals he had received while lying in a hospital bed, paralyzed. A general had delivered them and attempted to make him feel proud for what he had accomplished.
But there was nothing to be proud of in that box, especially now, if what it stood for cost him the love of his life.
He went to the bedroom and rummaged through a drawer, retrieving the wooden box, lined on the inside with velvet. Turning quietly, he went back to the parlor to find Leanne sitting on the couch waiting for him.
Handing her the box, she opened it as he began to tell her what each medal was for. Some were for victories on different battlefields, some for rising to Captain, and some for acts of leadership and bravery.
“That was the last one I earned.” He pointed to a huge elaborate one.
His silence caused her to look at him and ask, “What was it for?”
He pressed his lips tightly together, fighting back the memories that haunted him. “It was for sacrificing my life while going beyond the call of duty.”
“Was that when you…?”
“Yes, it was the day of my accident.” He reached for the box. “Everyone keeps telling me to display them, that I have earned that right. But if I lose you, none of this or anything I own in this world will mean a thing to me.”
He took the box and closed it.
“Jerry,” Leanne spoke more compassionately than she had in over two weeks. “Tell me about your accident.”
He looked at the box in his lap. “It’s not important.”
She touched his hand. “I would like to know.”
After a moment of quiet, he looked at her. “We knew Lee’s surrender was inevitable, but we didn’t know until later, it was happening that very day.
“Battles raged all around the area, with Union troops from everywhere coming in to join us. The battle had quieted for hours, and I was riding through checking my men and making sure medical attention was dispatched.”
He got a far away look in his eyes. “I noticed another Captain, sitting on his horse, pointing a gun and yelling at someone. I went to help him, thinking he had captured prisoners. I couldn’t see who he was yelling at because they were on the other side of a stand of trees, until I got close.”
He closed his eyes for a moment before opening them and continuing. “It was a young boy, he couldn’t have been more than twelve or so, with his arm wrapped protectively around a smaller girl.
“As I approached, I demanded the Captain put down his rifle, but instead, he brought it to his shoulder to aim at those children.”
Jerry choked. He swiped at tears forming in his eyes. “I kicked my horse forward and rammed into his horse, knocking him to the ground. But as I watched him falling, my horse reared and fell backward, with me under him.”
His eyes focused on Leanne. “But the children got away. That is the only thing that has made this injury worth the tragedy.”
Silence fell between them for a long moment, before he barely whispered, “We were in the southern part of Virginia. They were Confederate children. They were innocent victims, and it didn’t matter.”
He turned his wheelchair and went to his room.
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Leanne’s mind was in turmoil as she lay awake in her bed. Yes, Jerry was a Yankee, but wait, no, he wasn’t. He had gotten caught up in something because he was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Yes, he had fought as a Yankee, but he wasn’t mean like the marauders, who destroyed everything in their path.
He was like hundreds of thousands of other men who were caught up in something out of duty. Maybe she shouldn’t hate all Yankees, just like she shouldn’t hate all men just because of how Staley was. Everyone needed to be judged on their own character.
She wanted desperately to talk to Catherine and Natalie and make them see they couldn’t continue to hate and be bitter. It wouldn’t change anything, and bitterness would eat away at each of them like a cancer.
Crawling out of bed, she fell to her knees, asking God to let her find true forgiveness and restore the love that her and Jerry had shared briefly.
She walked to his room quietly and tapped on the door before opening it a crack.
“Jerry?” She heard covers rustling, then a lamp was lit.
“Leanne, what’s wrong?”
“I didn’t mean to disturb you. I was hoping you weren’t asleep yet.”
“I wasn’t, but you can come to me anytime. What’s wrong?”
She timidly walked to the bed and sat down.
“I didn’t want to wait until morning. I need to talk to you now.” She took his hand and lifted it to her lips, then her body began to shake as tears flowed.
He sat up in alarm. “Sweetheart, what’s wrong?” He gathered her in his arms and pulled her to his chest, right where she had always belonged.
“C…can you ever forgive me? I’ve been so mean and hateful to you, and I’m so sorry. You’re such a kind and gentle man, how could I ever think you were cruel? I’m so sorry.” She was shaking so violently with sobs, the whole bed was vibrating.
He held her and kissed her hair, while soothing and rocking gently. “Yes, I forgive you, my darling. Do you forgive me for not telling you like I should have? I should’ve never kept that from you, but I was so scared of losing you. Do you understand?”
She nodded against his chest and continued to whimper.
Looking up at him, she asked, “Can I sleep with you? Will you hold me?”
He pulled back the covers and drew her to himself.