Chapter 6 Astryd
ASTRYD
The small rowboat bobs along each gentle wave.
The morning sun has fully risen, casting the barren sandy beach ahead in soft shadows. Atop the hill, I can make out the thatch roofs of town. It looks very similar to Bluewater. However, we are far enough away that no one from my old village will discover me.
Qurill silently rows the small vessel towards our destination. Neither one of us speaks. The only sound comes from the seagulls calling above.
This morning had been a sullen affair. I had awoken with Qurill beside me.
His deep breathing had nearly lulled me back to sleep.
I couldn’t delay the inevitable, so there in the dark, I categorized everything about him.
His scales, his scent, the sharp angles of his face.
I memorized every detail before waking him up, asking to be returned to the surface.
We hadn’t spoken more than that. There are many things we aren’t saying to each other. It would be unwise for me to share what was really in my heart—especially as I’ve resolutely told him that I can’t stay.
Even though I want to, more than anything—even though I love him.
I love Qurill. I know it to be true. Yesterday was the best day of my life, and without him, I shall never experience it again.
We were one in his bed. Our hearts and souls had fused together, forging us on a new path.
One where we would always be by each other’s side. At least, that was the case on my side.
My heart is begging me to stay—to tell him that I’ve made a mistake.
However, my mind tells me this is the right move.
I should return to the surface and live amongst humans like me.
I could tell him I love him, and maybe for a time, he would be happy.
But he is immortal, wouldn’t he eventually grow bored with me?
Our passion was surely not common, yet could it keep a creature like him satisfied forever?
Those doubts keep me from confessing my true feelings.
I’ve tried all morning to make peace with this decision.
Realistically, it is my best option. I can start over in a new town, rebuild my savings, and live the quiet, comfortable life of solitude I've been working towards. My future never included another. I hadn’t dreamed of a husband or children of my own—my parents’ deaths devastated me enough to want to spare my child the same position I was in.
It is safer to be alone; no one can leave me or grow bored with our time together.
So while I’m giving up on my happiness, I’ll have my freedom, and that’s something most young women can’t say.
I’ll tuck the memory of my time with Qurill into my heart.
I’ve had adventures thanks to him. The need for anymore is a childish fantasy.
While Qurill commanded my body and my heart, he didn’t make any vows before telling me I could stay longer.
He clearly got pleasure from our coupling, as did I. But was that all it was to him?
He didn’t say he loved me. I could be his lover for a time, but eventually I would return to the surface like I am now. Only to be a shell of myself, grieving a heart broken by time. At least now, we are parting on amicable terms. It is my decision to leave—at least that’s what I tell myself.
Before I realize it, the boat runs ashore. Wet sand piles up along the smooth sides of the hull. Qurill exits first, and I watch as his muscles bunch and tighten. He holds a hand out to me. Not meeting his gaze, I take it.
He settles me down on the sand. The damp ground soaks my new silk slippers. The hem of my green dress clings to my ankles. I am a touch tender between my thighs. I savor the ache, willing it never to leave me. The memory of him is fresh, and I don’t want time to dull it.
I swallow thickly, finely brave enough to look up into his eyes. Blue fire sparkles down at me. He is guarded in a way I haven’t seen before.
How long will it be until he forgets me? It was a magical night for me, but he will certainly invite another human into his bed. Will I be lost in his sea of lovers? My heart aches at the thought of our night not meaning as much to him as it did to me.
I’ll never forget him—not as long as I live.
Qurill breaks our stare to nod upwards. The beach slopes up between two rocky cliffs. The faint hum of voices trickles down the hill.
“The town of Watership is just up there. There will be plenty of housing and job options for you.”
I nod, the salty breeze blowing strands of my blonde hair into my eyes. Qurill opens his mouth as if to say more, but merely shakes his head. He reaches into his pocket, pulling out a small cloth bag. He hands it towards me, and I take it, marveling at the impressive weight for such a small item.
Licking my lips, I can hear my heart pounding as I untie the strings. The sight inside steals my breath. Dozens of golden coins and sparkling jewels of all colors gleam up at me. Glimmering pearls roll around amongst the treasures.
“Qurill,” I breathe.
This is too much. I cannot accept this. I—
Qurill closes my hand around the bag. I savor his touch, memorizing the weight and feel of his hands. My heart screams at me that I’m making a mistake. Why can’t I be brave enough to let go of my pride—of my doubts—and claim what I really want?
“Take it, Astryd. Please.” His grip on me tightens. “Let me take care of you in some small way. I need you somewhere safe—living comfortably.”
His earnest gaze decides me. I nod. At my agreement, he releases my hand.
One of his fingers curls around a stray blonde lock of hair.
He rubs it between his thumb and forefinger.
Tucking it behind my ear, I shiver as he skims over the shell of my ear.
His hand travels lower—a feather-like touch—before cupping my cheek.
“Yesterday was the most extraordinary day of my life. I shall treasure it and you always.”
My breath catches on a sob. Tears burn my eyes, but I refuse to let them fall.
Where is my voice? I should confess my love to him.
Better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all, isn’t that what people say?
I have no idea. My mind is a jumbled mess.
I can’t make sense of the warring thoughts within me.
The only thing that I can think to do is tilt my head back and welcome his soft lips on mine.
Our kiss is bruising. He groans against me, and I eagerly part my mouth.
His tongue sweeps inside, laying claim to me one final time.
I surrender to him and this moment. He takes my mouth roughly, and I love it.
It is far too brief, but when we part at last, I can only stare up into his burning gaze. He is breathing raggedly just like me. I’ve said everything I cannot form into words in that kiss. If he asked me to stay again right now, I would say yes—brokenheart be damned.
Qurill remains silent as we stare at each other. With one thick swallow, I take a step back from him, missing his warmth immediately.
“Goodbye, Qurill.”
My voice is a broken whisper. I don’t want to let him see me cry. I turn quickly, nearly sliding in the sand. The walk along the beach is a tough battle. By the time I pause to catch my breath, I’ve barely started up the incline. I know it is foolish to do so, but I can’t help myself.
There is a cracking pain in my chest as I stare at the beach. It’s as empty as when we arrived. Qurill is gone, as is his boat. The only trace of him is the footprints in the sand that will soon be washed away by the tide.
Alone, I can finally crumble. A painful sob leaves my chest as my knees threaten to buckle. Each step feels like I’m walking through thick oatmeal. The top of the hill seems a thousand miles away. Agony slows my assent.
What’s the point in any of this? All my life, I’ve been fighting so hard for something I don’t even want.
I’ve let fear control me. Those initial days of being alone made me retreat into myself.
I’ve been too scared to live—to be selfish and claim the things that I want.
I’m doing it again with Qurill now. The love of my lifetime just left me on the beach because I was too much of a coward to tell him I loved him.
I scream in frustration. Regret is a physical pain. Why did I let him leave? I may never see him again. How could I let him get away without telling him the truth? I owed it to both of us to say how I was feeling. So what if his devotion to me wanes? I need more time with him.
At least one more night.
Before I even realize it, I’m stumbling back down the hill at full speed.
He told me I’d never find another to satisfy me, and he was right.
I’ll never give another my body as I gave to him.
It was an innate sense to trust him. A primal part of me I didn’t know I possessed wanted nothing more than to be owned by him.
He said he would come to me if I merely stripped down and waded into the water, calling his name. I can do that.
A figure sways into my path at the bottom of the hill.
My heart surges thinking it is Qurill returning to me, but that elevation quickly ices over.
The figure is dripping wet, dressed in dark rags.
A sword hangs loosely from his hip. Scars decorate his sunburned face.
His undershirt is ripped open, revealing faded ink atop his tan skin.
I recognize this man.
The single wave filled in with black ink on his chest signals that he is a part of Blacktide’s crew.
He is one of the men who helped Blacktide tie me to the rock.
As he appears from the cliff’s shadow, his poor state becomes apparent.
He is missing a leather boot. A large chunk of missing flesh mars his temple.
Crimson blood trails down the side of his face.