Chapter 10 #2
“Not if you’re careful.” He looked her straight in the eye, willing her to agree. He desperately wanted to be free so he could give her the hug she needed. “I trust you, Buttercup. You won’t hurt me.”
After a long hesitation, she went to unsheathe the weapon.
Sitting back on the bed, she started to saw with small, measured movements.
Alexander smiled when the rope fell away without the blade having touched his skin even once.
He did not offer to cut the other one himself.
Instead, he waited to see if she would be brave enough to do it herself. To his delight, she did.
“Perfect, look.” He showed her his wrists, which were intact. “I knew you would not hurt me.”
She gave a little nod, but he could tell her mind was not on the matter at hand.
“I’m sorry,” she started, stuttering a little. “For leaving you alone like this. For tying you up in the first place. For thinking you might want this, thinking you might want…m-me.”
This was unbearable. He did want her. Was positively aching for her. That he could not have her did not change that fact. He sat up in earnest, eager to have her listen to him.
“Look at me, Gwenllian.”
But she shook her head. It was obvious she was fighting tears. His own chest contracted in misery.
“I can’t look at you, not after what I did. I’m too ashamed. How could it be otherwise when I’m no better than that woman, Isabeau, or Old John’s son? I can only swear I never meant to hurt you. Or…rape you.”
Uttering the word had cost her, and no wonder. It horrified him that she thought herself capable of such a crime.
“I know.” He took her hands and placed himself so close to her that she had no choice but to look at him.
“Christ, Gwenllian, I do know that. You’re nothing like Lady Isabeau or that bastard, do you hear me?
I want you more than my next breath, so it was never a question of me being raped.
It was about me not wanting to hurt you.
About me wanting to do this right. You’re a lady, you’re a virgin and we are not betrothed, nor are we ever going to be.
In the circumstances, you must see that I cannot—”
“Yes, I know you’re a man of honor.”
He was, so nothing could happen between them.
At least, not what she imagined. But he could give her pleasure without compromising her, lick her until she swooned.
Once, twice, three times, hell, all night if she wanted.
Should he tell her as much? Would he have the control needed for such an experiment?
He was not sure. In any case, right now, the moment was ill-chosen.
But he didn’t want her to go. He didn’t want her to lie in bed all alone, feeling guilty or lonely.
“Stay with me tonight,” he pleaded. He didn’t want to feel guilty or lonely either.
To his relief, she didn’t refuse. “Yes.”
“Why did you choose me?”
Gwenllian stilled when Alexander’s velvety voice reached her in the darkness.
Though dawn was still some time away, she had been awake for a while.
Only, nestled in his embrace, she had not found the will to move or even open her eyes.
When he brushed a finger along her neck, she shivered from head to toe.
Why had she chosen him? Could she be honest and admit to the attraction she felt? Nothing she said would be more embarrassing than going to his bed in the dead of night to tie him up and demand to be bedded, so she might as well be honest. He already knew why she had come to Scotland.
“I wanted an adventure, as you know,” she said, keeping her back to him.
“I do. But I thought you wanted a Scottish lover.”
“I did not, not especially, only a Scot seemed the obvious choice, seeing as I would be surrounded by them at Nead an Diabhail. But I met you first, in England…and, well, you appeal to me, irresistibly.”
“You appeal to me, too, irresistibly. I think we’ve established that.” He nuzzled at her throat. “But that doesn’t mean I should act on it.”
“Why not, since it is my decision? I am a grown woman, able to decide what is best for me.” She took in a deep breath and carried on. “In all honesty, I thought you would have agreed that I have the right to dispose of my own body in the way I see fit.”
It had grated on her to see that he did not seem to believe she had the ability to choose. Up until then, she had thought him more generous and open-minded than most men. Maybe he was not, or at least not as much as she had hoped.
“You do have the right. Only, I’m not sure I am as brave as you are. I’m not sure I can go against everything I’ve been taught.”
Of course. She was asking a lot of him. That was the problem, not his narrow-mindedness. His honesty gave her the courage to finally turn and face him.
“I understand. But with me, there is no risk of doing a dishonorable thing. I told you, I really don’t think I will ever marry. Why should I preserve my maidenhead when I know deep down the loss of it will never be an issue? Why should I be the only woman not to know what my body can do?”
He sighed. “You’re a beautiful woman, Gwenllian, and still young. Your father is a wealthy and respected lord, with many connections in two different countries. Suitors will be, and probably have already been, rushing to claim your hand. How can you be so certain you will never marry?”
They were going in circles, but she did her best to answer anyway.
“As certain as I can ever be. And even if I’m wrong, that still does not take away the fact that I want to know pleasure.
Bethan told me she had bedded a few men before her wedding to Cameron, and yet he did not let her indiscretions stop him from making her his wife.
He cannot be the only man in the world ready to accept a woman’s past, surely?
” There was no answer. “But as I said, I doubt this will come to pass. I will never be a wife.”
Gwenllian was not just saying this to sway Alexander.
She was truly convinced she had nothing to lose and everything to gain by giving herself to a man she desired.
Why should she deny herself what she wanted for the wrong reasons—namely, the sake of an elusive future?
Why should she preserve her maidenhead when there was so little chance that it would one day matter?
No one would ever know what she had done that summer if she never married.
Only her lover would, and he wouldn’t care.
And even if, by some miracle, she did one day find a man who wanted to offer her marriage, then what was there to say that he would not be as understanding as Cameron?
Would she even accept the offer or prefer the life she would have built by then?
There were too many conjectures and suppositions.
The only certainty was that she was now in Alexander’s arms and she wanted him to make love to her. She was burning for him.
He must have seen the desperation in her eyes because, all of a sudden, he rolled her over onto her stomach and positioned himself over her, pinning her under him, making her feel the strength of his erection.
Say what he might about honor, he wanted her as desperately as she wanted him.
Her heart skipped a beat, then started to hammer hard in her chest. Had she won?
Surely, he would not be doing this if he didn’t mean to agree to her request?
“Do you still want me then?” he growled, grinding himself against her backside.
“Yes.” More than ever. “Are you going to take me and give me what I want?”
A silence. “I’m afraid I lied to you that day you saw me naked in my room. Size does matter, in many ways. It certainly does in this instance. I’m…bigger than most. I think you saw. You looked at my cock, didn’t you, my brazen little thing?”
“Yes. I looked,” she admitted on a breath. “It was the most magnificent sight I had ever seen. So I know what I’m faced with. And I still want you.”
She had no idea how Alexander had done it, but a heartbeat later she found herself flat on her back, pinned under him again. He took hold of her wrists and held them in place above her head.
“Are you not afraid then? You know this first time might hurt you.”
“I’m not afraid. Sian told me she had barely noticed a thing. Jane felt a lot more pain than she thought she would. It is impossible not to conclude that there is no way of knowing what a woman will feel when she is first possessed until she tries.”
He seemed to agree with her. “I will do my best not to hurt you.”
“I know. I trust you. Just like you trusted me with the sword last night. And in the end, you were right, because I didn’t hurt you.”
Something changed in his eyes, and Gwenllian knew she had won. Everything within her tightened.
“First, I’m going to kiss you. I cannot forget that kiss we shared by the river, and I’ve been dying to taste you again, properly this time.”
Not waiting for her answer, Alexander took her mouth.
Oh. Oh. Gwenllian had been wondering what he meant by “kissing her properly.” Now she knew.
His lips were gentle but determined, his tongue slow and deliberate, the grind of his hips against her maddening.
That day by the river, she had thought that the kisses she had shared before could not compare.
Now she was certain. This was not a kiss.
It was much, much more. And she did her best to give as good as she got.
By the time Alexander let her go, she could have sworn her body had melted to a puddle. She could feel every inch of him pressing her down into the bedding, adding to the sensation. It felt as if they were already as one.
“Now, my little Welsh temptress, I’m going to tease you until you beg me to remove your shift,” Alexander purred in her ear.
She instantly rebelled at the idea. What was he doing, teasing her when her whole body was on fire? “Do it, now! I don’t need my shift. I want to be naked, like you.”