Chapter 15 #3
The last time she had gone to him, he had made love to her where they stood.
She had not expected a repeat of the performance here, in his friend’s castle, with her family so near, but she had imagined he would at least understand why she had come, and be pleased that she had.
Which showed what a fool she was, because he didn’t appear pleased in the least. He had not even looked at her once.
“I came…” She floundered, wondering how to formulate her answer, or even if she should tell him the truth, considering his reaction. “I thought we—”
“You thought we could resume our affair, is that it?”
That was Alexander, blunt as ever. She could not help a small smile. Perhaps there was still something left of the man she knew. It gave her courage. That man she could handle.
“Yes,” she said, not to be outdone. That was exactly what she had thought, so she might as well admit it. “Why not? We did after I came back from Scotland.”
He ran a hand through his hair like a man weary beyond description. “We did.”
Two words. Two words that made it clear that he regretted what they had done, and he didn’t think it a good idea to repeat the mistake.
Gwenllian’s heart skipped a beat. This was not going well at all.
He still had his back to her, as if he could not bear to look at her, and his whole body had gone stiff.
Something had changed, but she wasn’t sure what that might be.
And then she thought she might understand.
“Have you found yourself someone else?” she asked, doing her best not to betray how wretched that made her feel.
But, of course, it had been a year since their last encounter.
He could easily have found himself another lover, and he didn’t want to be unfaithful to the lucky woman.
“If that’s what it is, you could just tell me, it’s not a—”
Finally, Alexander turned to face her, causing the words to die on her lips.
Lit by the torch behind her, his eyes were glittering like liquid gems. His mouth was set in a firm line, and he had never looked fiercer.
Gwenllian swallowed. She had never wanted him more than in this moment, when her chances of having him seemed to have disappeared.
“I’m not betrothed, if that’s what you’re asking,” he said in a low voice. “You, of all people, should know that I am not likely to be.”
She blinked. “Do I?”
“When I met you, I was already past thirty and still unmarried. If you had given the situation more than a passing thought, you would have understood what kind of man I am and what I am not likely to do.” He gave a snort that shot straight to her heart.
Was he trying to make her sound like a na?ve fool? Was he trying to hurt her?
“What kind of man are you?” she asked with as much aplomb as she could muster. She’d thought she’d known, now she wasn’t so sure. “Please enlighten me.”
“A selfish scoundrel, apparently.” Another snort, this time addressed to him.
“I took you to bed and accepted the pleasure you offered without making any promises or giving you any guarantees about the future. I took your maidenhead knowing full well I would never repair the wrong I had caused you. I was told about your fears of ending up alone, and yet I never offered to do the honorable thing and give you my name. Doesn’t that tell you that marriage was never an option for me? ”
He was right. His behavior had not been that of a man looking for a wife. But she had been so certain herself that she would never marry—still was—that she had not minded.
“You were not selfish, you gave me what I wanted, a taste of passion. I never asked anything of you, and you know it,” she reminded him.
As they had both embarked on their affair in the full knowledge of any possible consequences, this sudden attack of guilt was very unwelcome.
“A virgin with a view to marry would not have surrendered her maidenhead without any guarantees, but I never thought in those terms, and I told you as much. If you had given the situation more than a passing thought, you would have understood that I never expected an offer of marriage.”
In her anguish, she couldn’t help but repeat his earlier words. After all, why should she be the only one feeling wretched?
“Then why did you come to—”
“Because I wanted to know what being a woman meant! How many times will I have to tell you?” She shook her head.
It seemed that he really had not believed her when she had assured him she was only looking for an adventure.
“I never aspired to more than the pleasure you could give me. And I got it. I regret nothing.”
Nothing except this new distance between them that tore at her heart.
Agony flashed through Alexander’s eyes. She understood that he didn’t really want to send her away. He was only doing the right, honorable thing. Or at least what he thought was the right, honorable thing. It was unbearable.
When he opened his mouth, Gwenllian had already guessed what he would tell her. But the words still cut her deep.
“Gwenllian. We cannot see one another anymore. It was a mistake.”