Eighteen
They did not announce Peter’s engagement to Miss Greenwood that evening. And while Mr. Greenwood hadn’t yet challenged Peter to a duel, Della suspected this was only because he didn’t wish to raise any suspicions concerning his daughter. At present, only the two families knew that she’d been compromised.
In any event, Mr. Greenwood had some harsh words (exchanged in the safety of the family study) for Peter, the Danbys as a whole, and the state of society when a young man’s word was worth so little. Della attempted to placate him with the observation that perhaps the happy couple only needed more time in each other’s company to realize how happy they were.
She hoped it would prove true.
Annabelle, for her part, was less concerned with their brother’s happiness than with her own.
“What are we to do if he can’t be made to see reason?” she lamented over a late breakfast the next morning. The sisters had come down to the sitting room to take their meal together and confer while their parents still slept and Peter hid upstairs. “Why did I let you talk me into choosing him as Eliza’s bridegroom?”
“ Me? ” Della set down her teacup so hard she might have chipped the saucer. “This whole thing was your idea! I was only trying to help you, and now you’ve made me quarrel with Lord Ashton over it.”
She’d been so upset about their row that she’d tossed and turned all night.
As frustrated as she was by the trouble Ashton had caused them, once Della’s temper had cooled she had to contend with the uncomfortable possibility that he might have a point. Peter had every reason to be happy with the beautiful Miss Greenwood. But if he weren’t—if he should prove just as miserable as Lord Ashton had been in his own marriage—what then?
“Do you think there’s any risk that we’re”—Della had to pause to find the right words before she finally settled on her honest fear—“well, ruining Peter’s life?”
“Nonsense!” Annabelle countered. “ He’s ruining my life. If he was going to refuse us, the time to do it was before he spoke to Mr. Greenwood. Now it’s too late to get someone else to take his place.”
“At least Miss Greenwood’s father has let her out of the house again,” Della pointed out. “Have you asked her if she has any ideas?”
“She’s not exactly speaking to me at the moment.” Annabelle paused to take a bite of her biscuit and dab her napkin to her lips. “She’s still cross that I put Peter’s name forward instead of running away with her.”
“Oh.”
This got better and better. But Della had no further time to ponder Annabelle’s dilemma, for the butler announced that Miss Chatterjee had come to call. Della hurried to finish the last few bites of her breakfast, instructed her sister to think of a solution that didn’t involve threatening Peter with defenestration, and went out to meet her friend in the drawing room.
Reva rushed to her side as soon as she entered.
“Is everything all right? I heard…” She trailed off here, looking uncomfortable.
Della shut the door firmly behind her. “It’s all right; you may speak plainly.”
“Miss Berry has been telling people that one of the dealers at your club seduced a girl in full view of all the guests a few days ago. It isn’t true, is it?”
“As far as I know it was only a kiss,” Della admitted with a sigh. “But everyone saw them, yes. I’d rather not relive the details, if it’s all the same to you. I feel just awful about it. I sacked the dealer immediately, and neither of them will be allowed back to the club. That’s all we can do for now.”
“How dreadful.” Reva’s eyes widened in sympathy. “I’m sure it wasn’t your fault.”
“I wish Jane felt the same,” Della said. “She’s asked me to take some time away.”
Though she’d done her best to put the matter out of her mind, remembering it now made her throat go tight. Everything she’d worked for had gone up in smoke so quickly.
Remembering what else had transpired that night, Della asked, “Did Miss Berry say anything else?”
Reva didn’t meet her eye. That’s a yes.
“I’d rather hear it from you than from a stranger,” Della encouraged.
“She said that there was a rumor that you were involved with a married man.” Reva looked apologetic for repeating it. “I told her that was nonsense, of course.”
“Did she have any guesses as to who this man might be?”
“No.” That’s one good thing. Reva gave her hand a reassuring squeeze as she continued. “I’m sure this will pass. We all know you would never do such a thing. It’s just like when Mrs. Duff was gossiping about me.”
Except that you were innocent.
Della felt quite wretched. Even if Lord Ashton’s marriage were destined to end, it changed everything. It was the reason Della had to hide the truth from her friends.
“What’s the matter?” Reva asked, studying her with concern.
Della didn’t want to lie anymore. It only made her feel worse about all of it.
“Promise me you’ll keep a secret.” At Reva’s nod, she continued, “The truth is, I did harbor some feelings toward Lord Ashton.”
“I knew it.” Reva couldn’t suppress a little smile. “Are you worried this story will reach his ears? I’m sure if you explain—”
“ He’s the married man, Reva. He has a wife, though they’ve been separated for many years, and she’s planning to seek an act of divorce from Parliament.”
Reva’s smile faded quickly, her warm brown skin turning slightly ashy at this revelation. She managed to squeak out a soft “Oh.”
“I know,” Della said. “But we aren’t… That is, I’m not chasing a thrill or stirring up trouble. I truly care about him.”
More than she liked to admit.
Reva was silent for a long time. When she spoke, her voice was gentle. “Does he intend to marry you, once his divorce is taken care of?”
“I don’t know. We’ve never talked about it.” There was a queer feeling in Della’s stomach. She’d never expected marriage from Lord Ashton. After all, he was a far cry from the man she’d always imagined for herself—the dashing poet or diplomat. She hadn’t thought she’d wanted more than a brief tryst, but the idea that he might not want anything more suddenly stung. “I suppose that’s my answer, isn’t it?”
What did I expect? Their quarrel last night likely hadn’t raised her in his esteem, but even if Ashton weren’t soured on the prospect of marriage forever, he could never take a woman who ran a gambling club for a wife. She would be a constant source of pain.
Reva sighed. “If he plans to go before Parliament, you don’t want to be mixed up in it. The story is sure to be in the papers, and you know how they love to make everything seem sordid.”
“He said much the same thing to me,” Della agreed sadly. “That we should take care to keep our meetings strictly to the business of writing my book, and that I should break ties with him before there’s a public reckoning.”
Reva nodded in grim approval.
It had all seemed very abstract when Ashton had warned her about it. She’d wanted so badly to comfort him that she hadn’t really let herself contemplate the extent of the damage the press might wreak. But hearing Reva echo his fears made everything feel real.
“The important thing is that no one knows,” her friend advised her in a hushed voice. “Don’t be seen with him again and don’t let Miss Berry add any more fuel to these rumors. Carry on as if everything is normal, and soon enough it will be.”
“Nothing is normal,” Della murmured. “Not while I’m banned from Bishop’s.”
“Are you banned? I thought you said Jane asked you to take some time away.”
“It amounts to the same thing.”
“Not quite,” Reva insisted. She bore a striking resemblance to Lord Ashton right now, with her unwelcome rationality. “Besides which, would it really be so bad to take a short break from your work? Don’t be angry with me for saying this, but you always seem so harried lately.”
“Of course I’m not angry.” This was a lie. Della was struggling not to tell Reva how obviously wrong she was (Della wasn’t the least bit harried!), but managed to formulate a kinder reply. “I love the club. I can’t give it up. I’d be letting Jane down.”
Reva’s deep brown eyes were studying her carefully. “What do you love most about it?”
“Well…” Della had to think about this for a moment. She didn’t particularly love having more things to manage than she had time for. Nor did she have the skills to handle the financial side of things, which were entirely Jane’s domain. “The social aspect, I suppose. Seeing all our guests and making sure they’re comfortable.” Although she didn’t like having to turn out Mrs. Muller or defuse Mrs. Duff’s temper. She liked the nicer bits very well, though! Visiting with everyone and sharing a sense of triumph when their night went well.
“Couldn’t you get that from events outside the club? Or even attend the club a few nights a week instead of every night? There must be someone else who could split the task with you.”
“Why should Jane want to replace me?” Della protested. “We built Bishop’s together . If I stepped back now, how could I still call myself her friend?”
“ I used to help with your club when you were first starting out and then I stepped back, but we’re still friends, aren’t we?”
“Of course. But it wasn’t the same with you, Reva. The club is Jane’s whole life . If I’m not part of that, then…” Della shrugged helplessly, reluctant to finish the thought.
Reva seemed to realize that she’d touched on a sore spot. “It’s up to you what to do. I just hope that if you’re going to dedicate your whole life to the club, it’s because that’s what you really want and not because you feel obligated.”
“It is what I want,” Della replied. But she felt as though she were reassuring herself more than Reva. This visit had become so confusing.
“I should go.” Reva rose slowly to her feet. “I promised my mother I’d be home soon. I just wanted to check in on you and make sure you were well.”
“Thank you, but you needn’t worry.” Della gave her friend a warm smile, grateful for her concern. “You know I always manage to come through trouble unscathed.”
***
Della had never possessed the talent that some ladies had for appearing effortlessly serene when something was bothering her. It was doubly upsetting when there were two things bothering her: her quarrel with Lord Ashton and her quarrel with Jane.
She didn’t even like quarrels! She was always the first one to smooth over a minor disagreement with a kind word or a joke. How had she managed to arrive at an impasse with two of the people she cared about most?
Given that Della was too cowardly to venture into Jane’s house and risk a scolding from the elder Mrs. Williams, she would have liked to deal with Lord Ashton first. Whether to apologize to him or demand that he apologize to her, she couldn’t say. If only Peter would simply decide of his own accord that he was passionately in love with Miss Greenwood, it might have made matters a good deal easier for everyone. But only two days after their argument at the dinner party, a letter arrived that dashed all her hopes of setting things right.
Dear Miss Danby,
As we agreed, in light of my current situation I regret to say that I won’t be able to call on your family again. I remain available to answer your questions by correspondence if you need my assistance. You may send me your latest chapters and I should be happy to read them.
—Ashton
“He doesn’t even say if he’s still cross with me!” Della exclaimed, crumpling the useless note into a ball in her fist. He must be, if he’d decided not to come back. His hearing was today, and he hadn’t even told her what happened.
“Hmm?” Annabelle looked up from her book.
“Nothing,” Della muttered. “Never mind.”
Della wished that Ashton were before her, so she might gauge his feelings on the matter. How could he send such an empty letter? Swallowing a frustrated noise, she went upstairs to her writing desk and pulled out her stationery. It took her several tries, but she finally arrived on a conciliatory paragraph.
Lord Ashton,
You cannot expect me to say goodbye to you this way, when our last meeting ended on such a disagreeable note. Please come by the house, or I shall be forced to visit yours. I’m sorry for what I said to you after supper. I can’t explain here, but I truly did have a good reason to suggest the match. I don’t see why Peter should be unhappy, but I wouldn’t like to be the source of his troubles if you’re right. I expect we might never agree. I only hope you won’t let those be our parting words to one another.
—D.
There. That was the best she could do to mend things for the moment. Now it would be for Ashton to decide whether to accept her olive branch. After considerable thought, she added:
P.S. Thank you again for all your help. I am attaching my draft chapter on charitable endeavors if you have time to look it over, but the entry on Guy’s Hospital isn’t complete yet so just ignore that one. I’m trying to persuade Annabelle to go and view a surgery for me to verify the facts, as I’m far too cowardly to do it.
She packed up everything into a large envelope, sealed it with wax, and gave her footman instructions for its delivery. This business attended to, she had nothing left to do but go and face Jane.
Della greeted the maid with a smile when she opened the door. “I’m here to see Mrs. Williams. Er, the younger Mrs. Williams, that is.”
Why did I say that? The woman saw her often enough to know whom she was here to call on, but Della was so nervous that she hadn’t been able to stop the words from spilling out.
“Is…the elder Mrs. Williams at home, by any chance?” she added as she was led into the pale-green sitting room.
“No, miss,” the maid, Molly, replied. She had a perfect servant’s voice—carefully scrubbed of any opinion on the chaos that must undoubtedly have ruled this house over the past few days. “She’s out at the moment. I’ll tell my mistress you’re here.”
Della heaved an enormous breath of relief at this news. Now she needn’t jump at every creaking floorboard, certain that a mother’s vengeance was coming for her.
When Jane came in, she offered Della a sad smile and sat on the divan beside her.
“How is everything?” Della asked. She had no idea which problem to address first, so she would let Jane pick for her.
“The club is doing well,” her friend replied earnestly. “There was some talk, of course, but it seems that most of the women who’ve heard about the fuss with Hannah place the blame on the individuals involved rather than the establishment.”
A mixed blessing, if their gain was her downfall. “And Hannah?”
“I hardly know what to tell you.” Jane massaged her temple, appearing fatigued. “She’s insisting that she’s in love with Mr. Corbyn and won’t accept anyone else for a husband, which is an obvious lie seeing as she barely knows the man. Her mother is desperately trying to foist her off on an elderly baronet who’s too disconnected from the ton gossip to have heard of her indiscretion, and none of us can talk her out of it. They’ve been fighting like cats and dogs, and of course poor Eli is caught in the middle.”
“Can’t you send them back to Devon?” It would be the easiest solution for everyone.
Jane heaved a great sigh. “Mrs. Williams won’t allow it. Hannah’s already snubbed every potential suitor she knows there. Besides, it is helpful to have her here to watch Gloria in the evenings so we can attend Bishop’s, and Hannah has been learning how to help me with the bookkeeping.”
“I beg your pardon?” Surely Della had misheard her. “You mean to tell me that Hannah is allowed to come back to the club after what she did?”
“Not during opening hours,” Jane replied swiftly. “Just in the mornings to help take care of some of the work we don’t have time to get to.”
“But she kissed a midshipman in front of everyone! She’s the reason there was a scandal in the first place.”
“Which is exactly why she should make it up to us by pitching in.”
“ You were the one who didn’t want her there,” Della blurted out, exasperated. She felt as though she were losing her mind. Had she hallucinated Jane’s opposition?
“I didn’t want to upset her mother,” Jane corrected. “But as that ship has sailed, the best thing I can do now is to try to keep the two of them apart when I’m able and put Hannah in a place where one of us can keep close watch over her.” Jane paused for a moment, then added as an afterthought, “ And try to save her from marrying a baronet who’s somewhere in the tail end of his fifties, I suppose.”
“I can’t believe this!”
“Why are you angry?” Jane’s voice rose slightly to match Della’s pitch. “I thought you were trying to help Hannah get some distance from her mother.”
“But it’s not fair.” Della was aware that this was something a petulant child would say, which only served to make her more annoyed. “Why am I forbidden to come to my own club because I let Hannah in, while Hannah gets to take my place even though she caused all the trouble? And Cecily, I might add, whom you’ve always said was awful until now.”
Jane blinked, pulling back slightly. “Della, no one is replacing you. Hannah’s only helping to keep track of our accounts, which you never did anyway. And as for Cecily, of course I don’t like her better than you. But she’s proven far more useful than I expected. I wouldn’t trust her with anything too delicate, but she does know how to make sure everyone is enjoying themselves.”
“So do I.”
“I never said you didn’t!” Jane drew a long breath and tried again. “I’m not trying to punish you for what happened, I only thought you might need some time to rest. I know you’ve been working yourself to the bone since I had Gloria, and I feel badly I haven’t done something about it sooner.” Her blue-gray eyes softened as she added, “It was my fault. I’ve been so busy that I didn’t see how you were struggling.”
Della cast her eyes downward, somewhat mollified by this. Her voice came out too small when she asked, “You really aren’t disappointed in me?”
“Of course not.” Jane took Della’s hand and gave it a little squeeze. “You can come back if you’re ready, but I don’t want us to fall into the same habits. You always try so hard not to let anyone down that you end up taking too much on yourself. I think we should consider keeping Cecily on permanently, at least for a few nights each week.”
“Would she become a co-owner as well?”
Jane frowned. “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Why don’t we consider this to be a sort of trial period? If things go well and she wants more responsibility, we could consider offering her the chance to make an investment once we’re sure she’s truly committed. It would certainly be nice to have some more funds in the bank.”
Della let this sink in. What would it mean if Bishop’s didn’t belong to her and Jane alone anymore? As much as she knew they needed more help, she didn’t love all this uncertainty.
“Would that be all right with you?” Jane prodded, when Della didn’t speak up.
“I do think we could stand to have another hostess in the evenings,” she admitted. “But…it just feels as though so much is changing. The club started out as just the two of us, and we never had any problems. What if adding more people ruins everything?”
What if you don’t need me anymore?
She left this last fear unspoken.
“Things do change,” Jane said gently. “My life is different now than it was before I became a mother. There’s less of me left for the club, but it will always be a part of my life. If Cecily or anyone else becomes a co-owner one day, she wouldn’t be replacing you or me. I’ll still be here when you need me.”
“What if…” Della bit her tongue, afraid of what she’d caught herself thinking. It felt like a betrayal.
“Go on,” Jane encouraged.
She’d never imagined herself saying these words, but she remembered her conversation with Reva the other day. It bolstered her courage to know that someone she trusted felt the same way.
“What if one day I’m not there? What if things don’t work out for some reason, and I had to step back?” It felt as though the ground might split apart beneath her feet as she finished. “What if I weren’t a co-owner anymore?”
Jane couldn’t conceal her surprise. Her lips parted, formed the beginning of words she didn’t say, then closed again. Finally, she said, “Do you want to leave?”
I don’t know , Della nearly wailed. It felt wrong to even be thinking about this. It had always been her and Jane together, as a team. What sort of friend would she be if she abandoned her now?
“You know I love how much we’ve accomplished,” she began, “and I don’t want to leave you shorthanded. But I feel as if I’ve lost my spark lately. I don’t know if I’m up to the task. Look at how I botched everything with Mrs. Muller.”
“I told you, I don’t blame you for that. You had too much work to handle everything.”
“It isn’t only that,” Della protested, before Jane could go any further. “I’m not good at being strict with people. I hate it, to be quite honest. It makes me feel like I’m the most heartless person in the whole world and that everyone despises me. But one must be strict when it comes to enforcing debts, so where does that leave me?” Della twisted her hands in her lap as she poured out her fears. “I don’t even know how I feel about the whole idea anymore. Our club made Mrs. Muller so miserable! Is it our fault that she feels that way? Mine, mostly, since I didn’t have the courage to cut her off sooner.”
“But we limit the bets. We don’t let women ruin their families the way they do at White’s or Brooks’s. Do you mean to say that you’ve discovered you object to gambling?”
“No,” Della replied quickly. “I don’t have any problem with it for myself . Nor for those who are careful with their fortunes. I just…have doubts as to whether I can be the one to let someone else cause themself such grief in our establishment.”
Jane took a moment to absorb this before she replied in a cautious tone, “Is this change of heart because of Lord Ashton?”
Della wanted to refute the suggestion immediately. If he took the blame for her decision, Jane might hate him. But the truth was far more complicated.
Ashton did have something to do with it. Not because he’d persuaded her to adopt his own views on gambling; rather, it was because she couldn’t help but think of his example alongside ladies like Mrs. Muller, and it had put a sharp sense of regret in her heart where once there had only been a very thoughtless sort of joy. She hadn’t understood there was a darker side to their club—either because the example hadn’t been held up before her nose until now, or because she hadn’t wanted to see it.
“I’ve heard about what he did,” Jane continued when Della didn’t reply. “Surely you don’t think anything like that could happen at Bishop’s. We would never allow it. Just because he made a poor decision doesn’t mean we should—”
“I know that,” Della said. “It isn’t because of Lord Ashton. But my own feelings on the matter have changed. When we were first starting out, I was so excited to build something with you and there was so much work to do that I never really stopped to consider any of the unpleasant bits. And now that I have, I just—” She broke off, not sure how to finish. The words made her feel like such a failure. “I’m not sure I have what it takes to run the club the way we should.”
Jane’s distress was written plainly on her face. “Are you saying you want to sell your portion? I – I don’t think I can come up with the funds to buy out your initial investment.”
“No!” Della reassured her. “You don’t need to repay me anything. You know I can spare the money. And I’m not saying I wouldn’t help at all. But maybe…maybe we could try something like you talked about for Cecily? A trial period, where I reduce my responsibilities a little.”
Jane appeared shaken, but she took a deep breath to steady herself. “If you’re sure that’s really what you want and not just an idea that Lord Ashton has put in your head.”
“It isn’t!” she protested.
“I know you’ve been spending a lot of time together recently. And you know how you tend to get carried away with new things. I don’t want to meddle, but I do worry about you. He isn’t safe, Della.”
“You don’t know him,” she replied. “He’s very kind and proper. You actually have that in common with him. If only you could have a bit more time to become acquainted, I’m sure you’d like him very much.”
Jane appeared to be holding her tongue with considerable effort. “If he’s important to you, I shall try to respect your choice,” she said evenly, “but I’m sorry to say I don’t think he’s the sort of person I could get to know better. He’s an adulterer. He abandoned his poor wife—”
“Have you been talking to Cecily?” Della interrupted. “She doesn’t know the full story.”
“I don’t need to talk to Cecily. It’s in the papers. Haven’t you seen it? His wife has sued him in Consistory Court.”
It’s already in the news? But of course it would be. She should have thought to check for herself.
“Do you have a copy?”
“Yes, of course.” Jane rang for her Molly and asked her to fetch the paper for them from Eli’s study. A moment later, she’d found the law report section and set it before Della.
CONSISTORY COURT—Lady Ashton v. Lord Ashton
Lady Ashton brings a suit for divorce a mensa et thoro against his lordship by reason of adultery and intolerable cruelty. Mr. Clinton appeared as counsel for the lady. No counsel appeared for Lord Ashton, who was absent. Proof that a citation had been duly served upon his lordship was provided by Lord de Villiers, brother to Lady Ashton. A libel had been brought in containing twenty articles and evidence from three witnesses who establish full proof of the offense. The marriage was celebrated on April 3, 1830. The parties lived most happily together near Whitchurch, in the county of Bucks, for three years. There was nothing to create the smallest suspicion in the mind of Lady Ashton that her husband’s conduct was anything less than becoming of a gentleman of his rank and status in society until the spring of 1833, when the lady was shocked to discover that he had accumulated gambling debts in such an excess as to bring about his utter ruin and the loss of his estate. Lord Ashton then abandoned his wife and took up residence in London to pursue his vices, leaving the lady to seek refuge in her father’s house. Lord Ashton did not perform any of the usual duties of a husband or see to his wife’s comfort. Testimonies were provided from an acquaintance of Lord Ashton and a former maid of his house who had witnessed such indiscretions between his lordship and other women as to conclude that he had committed adultery. As there was no opposition to the suit, the court agreed that in light of the proof of adultery, abandonment, and gross financial profligacy of Lord Ashton, the lady should have the relief sought and therefore pronounced for the divorce.
So it was already over. At least this stage. Della returned to the start of the story and read it a second time, lingering on the part where it said that Lord Ashton hadn’t attended the hearing to make any defense to the claims against him. How could he bear to let everyone think him a villain without even attempting to explain? It made her quite indignant on his behalf.
When Della finally set the paper aside, she found Jane watching her with an expression caught halfway between sympathy and conviction. The very gentlest form of I told you so , which was just as aggravating as any other kind.
She had been influenced against him, just as anyone reading the story must be.
Jane spoke slowly, as if afraid that the words might hurt more if she delivered them at a normal pace. “I know this must come as quite a shock…”
“It doesn’t,” Della cut in. “He warned me this would happen.”
“All of it? You knew what he’d done and it didn’t matter to you?”
“He and his wife were very unhappy, and they parted ways years ago. I don’t understand why we’re pretending we don’t know dozens of people like that. The only difference is that Lady Ashton wants her freedom back, so the story has reached the courts instead of remaining a subject of whispers. That hardly makes him a villain. Would you judge Mrs. Duff if she decided to live apart from her husband, when we all know how he behaves?”
“Mrs. Duff didn’t gamble away her house ,” Jane returned.
“Nine years ago! He hasn’t gambled since then. He regrets it deeply.”
“Fine.” Jane raised her hands in surrender. “Let’s say you’re right. There are plenty of people who are unlucky in their choice of a spouse. Perhaps Lord Ashton has truly reformed, whatever might have happened in the past. You know him better than I do, to be able to judge.”
“I do ,” Della agreed emphatically.
“But that doesn’t change the fact that you could never have a respectable future with him. Even with this divorce, they can’t remarry unless Parliament allows it.”
“Which it may,” Della couldn’t stop herself from pointing out, before she thought to add, “But whether or not he can remarry is none of my business. Lord Ashton is a friend .”
At least, I hope he’s still my friend. Now didn’t seem the best time to solicit Jane’s opinion on their recent quarrel.
“I saw the way you two looked at one another at the Lyceum.” Jane was altogether too observant for her own good.
“There was an attachment,” Della admitted somewhat reluctantly. “But he hasn’t made me an offer, nor would I expect him to in the circumstances. He’s been honest with me about his situation from the start.”
Would things be different now that the court had granted Lady Ashton her ruling?
“I just can’t see why you would give up our club for a man who can’t marry you. What if you regret it later?”
It was hard to find an answer for Jane. These were the same questions she’d been asking herself. Though Della wouldn’t have said she was giving up the club for Lord Ashton when she didn’t even know what his intentions might be, she had to admit that a part of her did hope it would change things between them. That if Bishop’s no longer posed an obstacle, he might decide that he wanted more than a brief tryst from her.
But Jane was right. The decision had to be her own, or she might come to regret it.
“I’m not giving it up for a man,” she said firmly. “I told you, my own feelings are…conflicted. What meant so much to me was never the club; it was about us building something together. I wanted to be there for you when you needed help. I didn’t want to let you down.”
“Are you saying I pushed you into it?” Jane looked truly stricken. “I never meant to make you feel like you couldn’t say no to me. I thought we were equal partners.”
“We were,” Della assured her. “I was happy there at first. I’m still happy in many ways. It’s only that I’m not sure if it’s something I’m meant to do for the rest of my life, that’s all. And it isn’t your fault I didn’t have the courage to tell you so sooner. I was just worried that if I left we might not…well, see each other anymore,” she finished awkwardly.
“Of course we would. You’re my dearest friend. Why would you think that could ever change?”
Della only looked at her lap, her face hot. Her fears felt silly now.
After a moment, Jane amended, “I know things haven’t been the same since Gloria was born. If I’m being quite honest, I think I’ve been afraid to let anyone help me. She just seems to need me so much, it felt like I couldn’t trust her to anyone but Eli or something might go wrong.” She offered a shaky smile. “But since our little crisis I’ve had to ask Eli’s mother to watch her so that we could both attend Bishop’s in the evenings. After the first night they seem to have figured things out. I think it will do me some good to have a bit more time away. I’ll try to make more time for you from now on, whatever you decide about the club.”
“Thank you,” Della said, meaning it. “I’m only suggesting we reduce my commitment a bit, as we discussed. Nothing drastic. And as for Lord Ashton, please don’t blame him for my decisions. I care about him and I hope you can try not to judge him too harshly without having the occasion to know him better.”
“I’ll try,” Jane promised, which was probably the best Della could hope for in the circumstances.