Chapter Thirty-Eight
“Get your head together,” August muttered to himself as he stood on a ladder. “How many brain cells does it take to screw in a light bulb?” Apparently, more than he possessed, because it took three attempts before he managed to get the bulb into the opening. No surprise. He couldn’t do shit right today. Not with his mind about fifteen miles away, still stuck in the hall outside his bedroom.
Why the fuck had he told Sloane he loved her? She wasn’t ready for that. He knew that. Who the fuck knew when she would be?
She was understandably skittish. Had closed her heart after so many letdowns, starting with him. Yes, they were building something special now, but that took time.
August reached for his scalp with both hands and squeezed as hard as he could.
Hell, maybe she never would love him. After all, things never worked out for him. Not when it came to the people in his life loving him the way he loved them.
Is that why he’d told Sloane to do whatever it took to get the job? In some masochistic attempt to prove his theory that he wasn’t worth loving? Wasn’t worth fighting for?
That doubt—that no one would ever truly love him—had crept into his brain as soon as she pulled away when he confessed his feelings. It had burrowed its way into his psyche even more after that phone call. And it was still there, settling in for a long stay. It had found its dream destination with a king-size bed, unlimited food and beverage, and a beach just outside the window.
August climbed down the ladder and turned in a circle, taking in his surroundings with unseeing eyes. He was at Sugar Blitz Two, because where else would he be? Home was no longer a sanctuary. He needed some peace and quiet, and hey, no one was outside protesting. Cynthia had officially given her blessing after the community center announcement. Speaking so lovingly about his mother had really sealed the deal, she’d told him. So all in all, things were going great. Except he felt like shit and couldn’t concentrate on anything.
He moved the ladder a few feet and grabbed another bulb. As he placed a foot on the first rung, the light fixture slipped out of his hand and crashed against the floor, splintering into jagged pieces. Shit. What the fuck was he doing? He blew out a breath and trudged to the supply closet for a broom. Thankfully, he found his way there with no more mishaps and returned to the storefront shortly.
He swept the shards into the dustpan. He squinted to make sure he hadn’t missed any errant slivers, because that would be just like him to think everything was hunky-dory and then slip and fall and cut his hand.
The door creaked open behind him. One day he’d learn to keep the door locked. But residents seemed to like stopping in to check out their progress and offer up suggestions for local heroes for the podcast. So instead of yelling that they were closed, he forced the corners of his lips upward and turned. “Hi. How—”
The rest of his statement frittered away.
“Hello, August,” Melinda said.
Somehow, someway, he found his voice, though shock was ricocheting through his body like a ball in a pinball arcade game. “Hi.”
“You look surprised to see me.”
“That’s because I am.”
She looked the same. They hadn’t been in the same room for five years, since she told him there was no point in fighting for their marriage because it would never work. As he’d noticed the night she was on cable news, her hair was longer. But other than that, she looked the same. She wore a long, bright red sundress that complemented her brown skin. Her ever-present turquoise earrings dangled from her lobes.
Once upon a time, his heart would lighten every time she stepped into a room. Now, not so much. He’d always have fond memories of the time they spent together, but that’s all it was. That love, that clinging to what they were, was gone forever. His heart truly belonged to another. Would Sloane ever return his feelings? He didn’t know, but he couldn’t think about that right now.
Melinda stepped farther into the building and took a look around the store. “I don’t think I have to tell you I was surprised to hear that you and the other triplets started a cupcake shop. Now you’re opening up another location.”
“I’ll let Donovan and Nicholas know you say hi.”
She threw a sarcastic smile his way. “You do that. I’m sure they’ll love hearing from me.”
He shrugged. His friends cared about him. Had been there for him when he was going through a painful divorce. She wasn’t their favorite person. Oh well. She sauntered over to him in that slow, steady way of hers. Something else that hadn’t changed.
August slipped his hands into his pockets. “Why are you here, Melinda? We haven’t spoken in years.”
Her brow creased. “Sloane didn’t tell you? She sent me.”
As his knees gave out in shock, August reached blindly behind him for a chair and plopped down. “ Sloane told you to come see me? Why?”
She casually sat across from him like she hadn’t shocked ten years off his life. “She said we should talk.”
Oh, right. Because he was the one who’d told Sloane she should exploit his relationship with his ex-wife for her career gain. “You’re here about the interview. You want to get our stories straight before we start recording.”
Her brow creased even more. “Interview? What interview?”
“The interview Sloane wants us to do to get more publicity for Sugar Blitz, which will also help her get a job.”
Her mouth dropped open. “Okay. Wow. That sounds like that would be a hot mess. I’m sure everyone on social media would eat it up like ice cream, but no. Sloane never mentioned anything about an interview.”
August blinked rapidly and shook his head. He didn’t think he could take any more shocks to his system. “She didn’t?”
She shook her head. “No, she didn’t.” A considering light entered her eyes. “And now things make a lot more sense.”
That made one of them. “Then why are you here? What did Sloane say?”
She peered at him closely. “She said we should talk. That we should clear the air.”
Another shock. “We’re divorced. Is there any more air that has to be cleared?”
“She felt like there was. I have to admit I’ve known she was right for years, which is why I agreed to come.”
August blew out a breath. “What do you want?”
“I want to say what I couldn’t say five years ago. What, if you’re honest with yourself, you weren’t ready to hear.”
August scrubbed a hand across his face. She was right. He was in a better place than he’d been in five years ago. He wasn’t sure she had anything valuable or necessary to say, but at least he’d listen. That was more than he was able to give five years ago, when hurt and anger consumed him. He sucked in a lungful of air. “Okay. Have at it.”
Melinda slapped her hands on her thighs. “Wow. I’m nervous. I’ve given speeches in front of thousands of people, been on national TV plenty of times, but this is weird.”
“Now that you’re done enumerating your accomplishments, why don’t you get on with it?”
She shot him a look. “How I’ve missed that caustic wit.” She held up a hand when he opened his mouth. “We used to be so close. I hurt you. I knew I was hurting you, and I did it anyway. I’m sorry. That’s the most important thing I have to say. About Sloane…”
“What about Sloane?” He would protect her with every fiber of his being, whenever, however she needed it.
“I knew you felt more for her than friendship freshman year.” He started to rise, but stopped when she shook her head. “I also knew you would never cheat on me, which is one of the reasons I married you. But duty cannot be the sole reason for a marriage.”
“I loved you.”
She nodded and reached for his hand. No shivers ran up his arm like they did whenever Sloane was in the same zip code. She squeezed, and stared at him with beseeching eyes. “And I loved you. How could I not? You were my support system when I thought I would never be okay again. You were the best friend I could always count on. And I hope I provided the same for you.”
He stared at their joined hands before lifting his gaze. “You did, which is why it hurt like hell when you said you wanted a divorce.”
“I know, but I felt stuck. All I knew was that I had to get out.”
“You felt stuck with me. You had to get away from me.”
“No. Yes.” She raked her free hand through her hair. “With life. You would never let me down or turn your back on me. But we were so young when we started hanging out and then we started dating when we were fifteen.”
“We were there for each other.”
“Yes, and I’ll be forever grateful for that. And if I’m being completely honest, I still miss it. But it was the right thing to do. When I got that opportunity to move to New York, I knew I had to take it. And that I wanted to go on that adventure alone. To figure out who I truly was.”
“Without your crutch holding you back.” He’d accepted that truth long ago.
“Oh, August, it was never about you. It was about me. You were always the good in my life. I couldn’t put it into words, but I needed to be by myself for a while to figure out who I was. I didn’t remember who I was before I was ‘Melinda-and-August.’ Hell, I was a kid before then.”
“You didn’t love me anymore.”
“No, never believe that. I’ll always love you. But I wasn’t in love with you. I don’t know if I ever was. You were my rock. Back then, as time went on, I started to realize what we had was a great friendship only. We bonded over trauma, but that deep, huge once-in-a-lifetime love was missing. We were together because we felt a duty to be there, not because of a connection that could never be replicated or bested with someone else.” Melinda sighed. “To be perfectly honest, I didn’t see that spark in your eye that I saw in my friends’ eyes when they talked about their partners. It was missing with us. I tried to tell myself I was being silly. That people spend their whole lives looking for a partner as decent as you.”
He’d always been able to read her like a book. “You’ve found that with someone?”
“Yeah, I think I have. Her name is Toni.” When he nodded, she continued. “At our best, we were best friends. At our worst, we were each other’s roadblocks. We couldn’t explore the world and what it could offer us if we were tied together at the hip.”
“So I did hold you back.” Even as he was willing to accept that, a small part of him hurt.
“But no more than I held you back.” She turned in her chair, holding out her hands. “Look at this. Look at what you’ve built. What you plan on building. The old August never would have done any of this. Starting a cupcake shop. Becoming a social media darling. I’ve been following your exploits. It’s been quite amusing.”
“Thanks. I think.”
“I’ll always feel bad about hurting you. You are the most honest, honorable man I will ever know.”
He accepted the compliment with a stiff nod and sigh. “You’re right. That spark was missing with us. I can admit that now. But it still hurt like hell when you walked out.”
“I know, and I’ll be forever sorry.” She paused. “But if I’m not mistaken, you’ve found that feeling with someone else.”
August shrugged as his present-day problems returned to his mind like a force field. “Have I? I don’t know. Telling you this probably qualifies as weird, but you were my best friend once upon a time and you showed up here uninvited, so you get to hear my ramblings. I told her I loved her, and I got a thanks in return, basically. Can you blame me if I’m wondering if anyone is capable of feeling that kind of love for me?”
Melinda crossed her legs and leaned forward. “Look, I’m not going to pretend that Sloane and I are BFFs now, but I do know she was worried about you. Extremely worried.”
He shrugged, unwilling to attach meaning to Sloane’s actions. Too scared to.
She grasped his hand again. “Do you think she would’ve encouraged me to come see you if she didn’t see a future with you? If she wasn’t concerned about you? If she didn’t realize you were still carrying some hurt from the past? I would say she knows you pretty damn well. She doesn’t even have to see or talk to you to know you’re beating yourself up. And back to your earlier point, she never once mentioned anything about a job or interview to me. That doesn’t sound like a woman who’s putting her career above a relationship to me. I saw her when she came to my book signing. She looked devastated. She kept asking me if I thought you’d be okay. She was concerned she’d hurt you.”
Hope began to unfurl in his chest, but he kept quiet, not fully trusting it yet.
Clearly sensing his hesitancy, Melinda nodded. “It’s not every day a girlfriend reaches out to an ex-wife. Are you sure she doesn’t love you?”
No, he wasn’t. And it was the best damned feeling in the world. Hope had turned into certainty. Letting go of the past was the only way to move forward into the future. He bounded up and rushed toward the exit. At the door, he turned back. “Thank you for coming today.”
Melinda walked into his waiting arms. “I believe this is known as closure.”
He smiled. “I believe you’re right.”
“You know I actually talk about that in my book. About what we, as Black people, need in order to reconcile our place in this country and achieve closure with the past. I’ve been told it’s very insightful.”
“Melinda.”
“Right, right. Not the time.”