Chapter 12 #3
I lost focus on the short, revelatory conversation with my sister and my head whipped toward the stage to see a dude standing at the microphone who I’d seen at that club before. He was one of the few with talent.
And I also knew what “from the room to the moon” meant.
Knox (Chambers: room) to me (Luna: moon).
“…whatever that means,” the guy went on. “But it’s a kickass song, so here goes.”
It was then, the dreamy intro to 10cc’s “I’m Not in Love” started.
The second it did, every inch of me petrified.
Even so, each velvet-vicious word of that song penetrated my defense, embedding themselves in my flesh in a manner they were destined to leave ugly scars.
“Is this—?” Dream spat from my side.
But she cut her own self off, and suddenly, I was up, because my sister had firm hold on my hand and she’d dragged me out of my chair.
She then dragged me to the DJ guy who cued up the songs. There was a discussion going on between them, during which I vaguely heard the DJ guy say, “That’s fucked up. Sure, she can jump the list. I’ll cue it up.”
But I only vaguely heard that because I was staring across the room at Knox, who was no longer ignoring me. Instead, he was staring right back, all the while “I’m Not in Love” kept assaulting me.
He wasn’t singing it, but they were his words, his message, his arrows, his punctures, the emotional blood I was bleeding was all his.
I tore my gaze from him to also vaguely notice all the AAHS seemed wildly uncomfortable with this, though Tex was slowly bopping his head to the wistful flow of the song, eyes glued to the singer, Nancy seemed troubled, and Tito’s sunglasses were aimed right at me.
“She’s up,” I heard when the song ended.
“Go,” Dream ordered, but she didn’t wait for me to go, where, at that moment, I wasn’t sure.
Until she shoved me up the stairs to the stage so hard, I had no choice but to scramble up them and nearly run into the guy who was coming down.
“Let me guess, she’s the moon,” that guy said as I found myself on a fucking karaoke stage, the bright lights in my face, and Knox in the audience.
It was then the strains of Fiona Apple’s “Shadowboxer” started.
And I learned another something new about my sister.
She was an evil genius.
Hearing the snare, the piano, no thought, without hesitation, I walked right up the microphone, pinned Knox with my eyes, and when it was time—not thinking for a moment that it might not be such a smart idea to lash back, doing this in front of all (or most) of our friends, even if he was the one to land the first blow—I sang, “Once my lover, now my friend. What a cruel thing to pretend. What a cunning way to condescend…”
And I kept right on going, aiming it all straight at Knox.
Honestly?
I didn’t know I had it in me.
The last karaoke song I sang was at that same Christmas party where Knox and I fought, and I sang with my chicks to the Waitresses’ “Christmas Wrapping,” so my voice was drowned out. And when I sang in my apartment or car, I turned it up, so my voice was drowned out then too.
In other words, I’d never assessed my singing voice because I didn’t need a good one to use it for the purposes I had to use it.
But damn, I felt every one of Fiona’s words so deep to my soul, my voice came out smooth, low, sure, very, very haunting, and very, very hurt.
And I knew by the frozen, pained look on his face, Knox not only heard them, like what he’d aimed at me with 10cc, he felt them.
I was carving my own scars in his flesh.
I loved that.
And I hated it.
I wanted it.
And I wanted to take it back.
It was only after the song ended, the last lash having landed, opening up flesh, doing to him what he did to me—making him bleed—that I was able to take in the whole of the AAHS group.
I saw Raye had both hands over her mouth, but that didn’t hide the distress written all over her face. Harlow was flat-out crying. Cap was scowling at Knox. And there were plenty of other, miserable reactions to Knox and I taking our shit out on each other in public, and right in front of them.
This…
This was what I’d wanted to avoid going there with him.
So, goddammit, this was his fault too.
It was so destroying, it made me race off the stage.
Dream caught me, and her hands on me, her attention aimed at AAHS, she said, “Okay, maybe that wasn’t my brightest idea.”
“It was perfect, and it wasn’t,” I whispered, her head ticked with confusion, but I didn’t explain. I asked, “Can you finish your date with Byron without me?”
She didn’t hesitate to say, “Go.”
I moved in to kiss her cheek.
When I moved back, I was too emotional to see what was written stark on her face at my gesture of affection.
I had to get out of there.
I didn’t look at anybody.
I raced to our table, heard Byron ask, “Jesus, Luna, are you okay?” but I didn’t answer him as I grabbed my bag.
And then I guessed the wuss was back.
Because, without that first glance at my friends and a man who was once my lover, but no longer was my friend, I raced out of there.