Chapter 2
Killian
“You smashed it again, Kill,” the excited voice said in my ear.
I sat on the sofa in my rundown bedsit, the springs in the second-hand sofa sticking into my arse. I shifted, wincing as another one jabbed me, and vowed to check the classified ads for a newer one as soon as I got off this call.
“It was okay.” I absentmindedly picked at a loose thread in my jeans, cursing when yet another hole appeared.
I swear to God himself, everything was falling apart around me. My flat, my clothes, and definitely my love life. Not that it had ever been anything to shout about.
“One day, you’ll get the break you deserve. Remember who your friends are when that happens,” Seth joked.
“I’ve been doing this for years, and no one has picked me up yet.” Ten fucking years I’d been at this, and all I had to show for it was this shitty bedsit and a gig in a karaoke bar that paid me a pittance and all the booze I could drink.
I was living hand to mouth, but I was fucked if I was going back home to Ireland and admitting defeat. That was never going to fucking happen.
“Eh, there’s time yet. You’re still young.” Seth. Ever the optimist.
“I’m thirty-five. A few more years, and I’ll be too old to do anything but sing at weddings.”
“Not true, Kill, and you know it. Soon, my friend. I can feel it.” Seth’s voice softened as it always did.
Friends like him were hard to find. Friends who stood by you through thick and thin.
Through therapy, breakdowns, and days so low that all the drugs in the world couldn’t get you through them.
But how much longer could I rely on him?
Every time I pulled myself out of the gutter, something else happened, putting me right back there.
There was only so much he could do. At some point, I had to help myself. I just didn’t have the motivation to do that.
“Fuck, Seth. This is all I’ve ever wanted to do since I was a lad.”
“I know.” He paused, and I knew what came next. “Why don’t I come around and take your mind off it?”
As tempting as the thought was, sex with Seth brought its own problems that I didn’t have the energy to deal with. His feelings were just one of them.
I was a bastard, using him the way I was, but I couldn’t say no. Not today.
My mind wandered to the man I’d seen outside Rafferty’s. He’d looked so out of place. I’d glimpsed a bit of me in him. The evasiveness, the anxiety. He looked like he needed help.
I remembered Seth was waiting for an answer, and my mouth replied before I could engage my mind. “Yeah, I’d like that.”
“I’ll be there in fifteen.” It was hard to ignore the hope in his voice. Why did I keep leading him on?
He’d been with me through the toughest of times.
I leaned on him when I had no one else. We’d fallen into this relationship, if you could call it that, which was no good for either of us.
It would never lead anywhere. We’d been an emotional crutch for each other when we needed or craved touch or sex.
I gazed around the room as the line went dead. Shame and embarrassment filled me at the state of the place. Empty takeaway cartons, dirty mugs, and unwashed clothes were strewn about the place.
I sighed as I stood and began tidying up as best I could, trying to at least make it look halfway decent before he arrived.
I checked the bedroom. More unwashed clothes and an unmade bed stared back at me. I shoved the clothes in a corner, shook the duvet, and fluffed the flat pillows. That would have to do.
Hopefully, he wouldn’t stay long. Why couldn’t I have just said no? Because I didn’t want to upset him, although at some point, a conversation needed to be had.
I busied myself tidying up when a gentle knock on the door stopped me in my tracks. Had it been fifteen minutes already?
I glanced around me. It looked a little tidier, and a quick spray of room freshener barely masked the aroma of stale food and body odour. I shrugged out of my dirty shirt and threw on a cleaner T-shirt. Not sure why, as it’d probably end up on the floor with the rest soon enough.
“Hey, Kill. You look good.” Seth stepped towards me, his hand outstretched. I backed away and could have kicked myself seeing the rejection on his face.
“Sorry. I just…” Just what? Didn’t really want to go through with this? Felt bad for using him this way?
I leaned down and kissed his cheek. A sorrowful apology. He smiled weakly, knowing my heart wasn’t in whatever this was.
“It’s okay, Killian. I understand.” He walked dejectedly back to the door.
Fucking hell. Why was I like this?
I placed my hand on his shoulder, and he tensed. “Come in. Sit down, and we’ll have a drink.”
“If you’re sure.” His doleful eyes cut right through me. God, I hated myself.
“I’m sure.” Without thinking, I walked to the kitchen area and poured two shots of vodka, handing him one.
“Coffee. It’s not even midday, Killian.” He frowned at the glass in his hand.
Jesus. I couldn’t even get that right. “Give it to me. I’ll make coffee.”
I took it, but instead of tipping it away, I gulped it down, swiftly followed by mine. The fiery liquid burnt a path to my churning stomach. I gagged and swallowed down the saliva that filled my mouth.
Leaning on the edge of the sink, I closed my eyes and took a couple of steadying breaths, trying not to throw up.
Finally in control, I boiled the kettle and made two cups of coffee with the dregs of milk from the fridge. I hoped he didn’t want another.
We sat side by side on the sofa, our thighs touching.
“Why do we do this?” Seth whispered. “Why do I put myself through this? You know how I feel about you.” His honesty cut into my heart, but what could I say? I didn’t know why we kept doing this, only that we did.
“I’m sorry I don’t have an answer for you.” I reached for his hand but pulled back at the last minute.
“We’ve been through a lot, but I think it’s time to call it a day. I’ll still be your friend, but I realised on the way over here that I’m relying on you to bring me happiness when I should make my own.”
“I never promised you anything, Seth, but you were there when I needed you. I’m grateful.”
“But that’s all you’ll ever be. You don’t love me, and I need someone who will. I want to be with you, but not at the expense of me. I’ll never be good enough. I’m not what you’re looking for.”
He was right. He wasn’t what I wanted, but when he offered, I was helpless to say no to him.
“You’ve been my friend forever. I’ve taken advantage.” I rubbed a hand through my hair. Why the fuck did I do that?
“I’ve used you, too, selfishly thinking that if I could keep you happy, you’d stay with me, but you’re not happy at all. What is it? You can tell me.”
What could I tell him? I didn’t fancy him and had only used him to keep myself grounded. That’d go down well.
I shook my head. I had no explanation to give. “I don’t know what I want,” I said honestly. “I’ve no fucking clue what I want in this world, Seth.”
“Only that it’s not me.” He put his mug on the coffee table. “This was a mistake. I shouldn’t have come.”
“No, please. You should have.” And there I went again, appeasing him. He shouldn’t have come. I should have said no. I should have called it a day, but I was a fucking coward and wouldn’t entertain hurting him again.
“We know this was a mistake.” His tear-filled eyes stared back at me.
“It wasn’t always,” I whispered.
“Maybe not, but it is now.” His smile was rueful, and it was then I realised I’d pushed him away for the last time. I’d lost the only friend I had, and it was all my fault.
He walked towards the door but stopped. “Do something with your life, Killian. You could be famous, have everything you want, but you have to stop destroying yourself.”
He was right. I’d got off the pills and the drugs, but the booze was another matter. I still chased the high, just a different one.
I knew this was the right thing for him to do. I could have been selfish and called him back, but it wouldn’t have been fair to him or me. This break had been a long time coming.
“Goodbye, Kill.”
The door closed quietly behind him, and he was gone. Would I see him again? Who knew?
I walked back over to the sink and grabbed the bottle from the cupboard. I slumped on the sofa, not bothering with a glass, and took a long swig from the bottle. Used to the burn as it slid down my throat, I continued to drink until it was empty. Fuck. Now what could I drink?
Seth’s words ran through my head. I was destroying myself. I knew that, but what did I have to live for?
I had no money. I lived in a hovel. Most of my family had disowned me.
Leaving Ireland wasn’t really by choice.
I’d escaped with the clothes on my back and barely anything else, and if it hadn’t been for Seth, I’d have died on the drug-filled streets.
I owed my life to him, but this was how I treated him.
He’d been right to walk out. I owed him everything but gave him nothing.
I woke sometime later, hugging the empty bottle. My head was thick from the alcohol. I didn’t often get drunk and rarely suffered a hangover because I was so used to drinking, but today, I couldn’t ignore it.
Maybe it was my talk with Seth, but whatever it was, I was sluggish. I sat up, and my head spun. Groggily, I got to my feet and made my way to the bathroom. I gazed around as I pissed, noting the dirty shower curtain, the dead plants, and the black mould creeping eerily up the walls.
What the actual fuck was I doing?
I stumbled to the bedroom and collapsed onto the bed, face first, my arms outstretched. I had another gig later, and I should have showered, but sleep pulled me under. It was another two hours before I woke.
Shit. Now I was going to be fucking late.
I showered quickly, then brushed and tied my hair. It’d have to do. I’d run out of time. I threw on a shirt and a pair of dark jeans and dashed out the door.
Fortunately, the bar wasn’t far, and I arrived just in time, slightly out of breath.
“Fuck, Killian. Where were you? If you’re late one more time…” the manager, Greg, said as I walked in.
“Fuck off. I’m not late.” I grabbed a bottle of water from behind the bar and took a swig. Technically, I was late, but only by a couple of minutes.
He tapped his watch. “Fifteen minutes. You’re supposed to be here fifteen minutes before. You’re cutting it fine… again.”
“Then find someone to replace me,” I called over my shoulder as I walked towards the stage.
I knew he wouldn’t. I brought in the meagre crowds, and he knew it. Admittedly, this wasn’t a high-class bar, but it had been known for an agent or two to stop by. Maybe tonight was the night.
It wasn’t.
“Can I buy you a drink?” I looked at the attractive woman standing next to me at the bar. Her pale face was framed by long dark hair, and she had brown eyes that shone in the dim light, her mouth kicked up in an alluring smile.
“Well, now. I wouldn’t say no. A Jack on the rocks would be good.” I took in her scent. Something musky and seductive. She smelled good.
“You sing well. How have I never heard of you before?” Her voice was so low I could barely hear it.
I winked. “I don’t know, sweetheart. I get around.”
“I’ll bet you do. Look, a few friends and I are hitting some bars tonight. Why don’t you join us?”
As tempted as I was, women weren’t really my thing.
I might flirt with them, but in my line of work, it paid off to be versatile.
It was never more than that, though. I appreciated a good-looking woman as much as anyone, but I preferred a man beneath me.
I loved the feel of another man’s dick in my hand or, better still, in my mouth, and there was nothing on this earth like fucking a man.
“Thanks for the offer, but I’ve somewhere else to be.” I threw back the drink, patted the bar, and made my way to the door.
“Fucking prick,” she shouted after me. Yeah, I was that, but she’d offered, and I would never turn down a drink, especially from a pretty lady.
“Are you ready?” the petite blond barman asked as he slipped on his coat. “I’ve been waiting for this all night.”
“I think the question is, are you ready to be fucked into next week?”