Chapter 9
Harvey
What the fuck was I doing? I’d let him get too close to me, and now I’d spilt my biggest secret in a matter of an hour.
I’d never been so candid before, not even with my therapists, but somehow, he seemed like someone I could trust. He had a kind face, and maybe it was talking to him in the flesh and not just on a computer screen.
Maybe talking to a man made the difference. Who knew?
I’d have told him everything if he’d asked.
No one had taken the time to ask me about my life, although I’d not been forthcoming. What made him different from Ed?
I wasn’t attracted to Ed, for a start. He was friendly and optimistic, whereas Killian was friendly but compassionate. He’d known I self-harmed without me having to tell him. Only my therapist knew that.
I looked down at our joined hands, his fingers full of rings, mine bare. We were so different, so why did I feel such a connection to him?
“Look, I can’t pretend to know what you’re going through. Fuck, Harvey, I’ve got some shit of my own to deal with, but I won’t let you deal with it alone. And you’ve been alone for a long time, I’m guessing.”
“Four years,” I whispered.
“A long time to have no one to talk to. Friends are the ships that keep us afloat, especially when the seas get rough.”
“I have a therapist.” I gripped his hand tighter, not wanting him to let go. The roughness of his hand and the calluses on his fingers made everything real. I’d never held a man’s hand before.
Despite having loving parents, Dad was never the affectionate one; that was left to Mum. He’d give me a hug now and again, but his love had always been reserved for her.
“They can help you. I don’t have that skill, but I can offer you friendship, a friend to talk to, a shoulder to cry on. I’m not asking for anything you’re not willing to offer.”
How long had it been since I’d had a genuine friend? Someone I could rely on to be there when times got tough. Even at school, I’d been a lonely kid. My parents and Grandma had been my world. I’d never really fit in, always thinking I was different.
Filling the silence, Killian spoke again. “There’s no pressure, Harvey. If you don’t want to, you just have to say no, and I’ll walk away. No questions asked.”
Why did I think that was a lie? I didn’t know him well, but from what I’d seen and heard, he wouldn’t give up easily.
He continued, “If you need time to think, then give me a call when you’re ready. I’ll not push ya.”
Take what’s being offered. You’re unlikely to get the chance again.
He wasn’t offering sex or anything more, from what I could tell. Why shouldn’t I say yes to having a friend?
“You know, I think I’d like a friend.”
He pulled me into a hug and squeezed. “Thank fuck you said that. I really think we could be good friends. I need one as much as you do. Things have been… difficult since moving here. We can commiserate together.”
Unable to breathe, I pushed him away. “I need to take a breath, sorry.”
“God, I’m sorry. I don’t know my strength sometimes. Look, I have to sing in a couple of hours. Do you want to stick around?”
“I think I’ve had enough of people today, if you don’t mind. It’s been more than I usually deal with in a day.”
“I get ya. Would you mind if I texted tomorrow? We could do something if you’re not working.”
“Yeah, that’d be nice.”
I couldn’t get out of there quick enough, and the ride home took far too long. I closed the door behind me and sank to the floor, my head in my hands.
I stayed there until my arse went numb and the cold from the tiled floor had seeped into my bones. Darkness filled the hallway, and a chill was in the air. I couldn’t stay there all night.
Slowly, I got to my feet and turned on a light; its illumination was barely sufficient.
I made a drink and headed to bed. I’d had enough for the day.
Often, my therapy sessions would exhaust me so much that I’d sleep away the rest of the day.
I needed to do the same now. I climbed into bed, eyes barely open, and drifted into a deep, dreamless sleep.
But the following day, when Killian’s text hit, I ignored it. And the next, and the next.
What had I been thinking? I didn’t need a friend. I was happy on my own.
Lies I told myself. I’d got to twenty-eight with no need for a friend. I had everything I needed.
Except, after last night, I now knew what I’d been missing. The chance to connect with someone who wanted to know me, who’d taken time out of his day to be with me. He hadn’t run, and that was a start.
After the fifth message, I plucked up the courage and texted him back.
Harvey: Sorry, I was sleeping. Sometimes it gets me like that.
Killian: Hey, it’s fine. Don’t stress. I was worried.
Harvey: No need.
Killian: Wotcha doing today?
Harvey: No plans. Gaming probably.
I had some housework to do, but that wasn’t even on my radar today. Julie would tell me to take it easy, that a day in bed was perfectly normal under the circumstances. I’d dealt with a lot yesterday and made more progress in a few hours than I had in years.
I’d spoken to a man, and not only that, I’d also gone out with him. I’d never done that. Okay, I might have had a meltdown when I came home, but I hadn’t cut myself, and that was an enormous step in the right direction.
Killian: Sounds good. You don’t work?
Harvey: Three days a week.
The bubbles bounced, but no message came through until, eventually, they stopped.
Disappointment flooded me, and I was surprised at the emotion. What was it he wanted to say? Why did he stop? No, it was for the best. This could only lead to disaster.
But then, the bouncing dots appeared again.
Killian: I’m free tomorrow if you are. Again, no pressure. We could do lunch or something.
I rubbed my sweaty palms on my thighs. I’d never been so nervous, and what I was about to do was the most nerve-wracking thing of my entire existence.
It could end in disaster, but it could also be the step forward I needed to get myself out of this mess of a life.
I didn’t want to be lonely, but the fear I carried inside was almost too much to bear.
Only I could release myself from the pit.
Only I could take the step forward. Only I could stop the hurt.
Harvey: You could come for dinner.
My trembling hands betrayed me, and the phone fell to the floor. I held my breath, hoping it wasn’t broken, and released it.
Thank fuck. The screen was still intact, but there was no reply from Killian.
For fuck’s sake, Harvey. You only just pressed send.
I rubbed my chest, an automatic gesture I used to ease my discomfort, and took another deep breath.
He’d probably say no. Why would he say yes? God, I hoped he said yes.
But what if he did? What would happen then? Jesus fucking Christ, I was overthinking this, having another man in the house – alone.
No, it was all wrong. I couldn’t do it.
Killian: I’d love to. 7 ok?
Was it? It wasn’t too late to call it off, was it?
Breathe, Harvey. Take a minute to breathe. Think. Is this what you want?
Shit. Shit. Shit. What had I done?
I’d asked a friend to dinner. That was it. It didn’t ever have to be more than that. How would your parents or Grandma react if they knew you’d shut yourself away from the world after they’d died?
They’d have been mortified. Sad.
I shook my head. I’d had years of therapy, trying to come to terms with who I was. It wasn’t an easy fix. It may never be fixed, but I owed it to them to try.
Harvey: 7 is good. You got my address? Any allergies?
Killian: I do and screaming kids, lol
Well, there were none of those here, so that was good at least.
For the first time in a long time, a lightness filled me.
I had a friend, and that friend was coming to dinner.
I’d need to make a list, get something good to eat.
I’d need drinks, too, but hadn’t he said he was off alcohol?
He’d drunk lime and soda yesterday. I could get some of that.
Maybe a fancy sparkling juice. That’d be a good shout.
My heart raced, not from anxiety, but from excitement.
When was the last time I genuinely felt like this?
Not for four years at least, but even before my parents died, I’d never experienced this.
It was new. It was exhilarating. Gone was the apathy I’d worn like a shroud for most of the day, replaced with, dare I say it, happiness.
Done with moping, I hopped off the sofa and threw on some clothes. I grabbed my keys and phone, and with a lilt in my step, headed to the nearest supermarket. Not even the horizontal rain could dull my mood.
I breezed around the store and filled my trolley with enough food to feed a family of four for a week. The difficult part would be deciding what to cook for him.
I’d planned a meal fit for a king. Okay, that was a stretch. Homemade shepherd’s pie with vegetables, and a ready-made sticky toffee pudding with a carton of custard.
I looked at the bags of groceries on the floor. What on earth was I going to do with all that? At least I’d eat well for a while.
Even though I had the whole of tomorrow to prepare everything, on Friday evening, I couldn’t settle. I logged into my favourite game and sat to concentrate on the screen in front of me.
I might not have been good at interacting with people in the flesh, but I had online gaming friends. It was impersonal, and at least we had something in common. I played all night until finally, exhausted, I fell into bed at six a.m.
I slept for a couple of hours and woke in a blind panic. What the hell had I done? I placed my hand on my chest, the thump of my heart racing beneath my ribs.
Deep, steady breaths; in, out. In, out. In, out. Finally, my heart rate returned to normal.
There was only one thing for it. I should cancel. I couldn’t go through with it.
I knew the moment he entered my domain, I’d be doomed. There’d be nowhere in the house I didn’t picture him. Not that he’d be coming upstairs, but once he stepped foot in the house, that would be it. I’d have no sanctuary, no place untouched by others.
I hated to do this, but Julie had said I could call and leave a message. Even if she didn’t answer, I could voice my feelings, and hopefully, it might settle.
She answered on the second ring.
“Hi, Harvey. It must be important for you to call. Is everything okay?”
“I asked him to dinner. Here in my house. What am I going to do? I don’t want to…”
She knew what I meant without me having to say the words.
“And you won’t. You invited him in. You plucked up the courage to do that. I know you can do it, Harvey. Why don’t you tell me what happened? I have a little time.”
I recalled the events of the past few days. She interjected with a comment here and there, but mostly, she listened.
I rambled, telling her about how I’d followed him, how I’d fainted at the bar, and our subsequent ‘date’ yesterday.
“Sounds like you’ve had a lot going on, but it also sounds like you’ve made such good progress. You’ve already said it yourself; it doesn’t have to be more than friends, only if you want it to be. Why don’t you treat him as just that? A friend.”
“What if…”
“Harvey. Don’t go there. Don’t tempt fate. How about we schedule an earlier session for next week, and you can let me know how you get on? You’ve got this. I have absolute faith in you.”
“I’m glad you do. Why am I doing this to myself?”
“Because you’re ready. You’ve worked so hard on putting it behind you. You handle it so much better than you have in the past. The tattoos, the art, and now this. It’s a huge step forward, and one I know will work out. Now, go cook your food.”
“Thanks for taking my call, Julie.”
“No problem. You’re a long-standing client, and I’m available when you need me.”
I sat on the edge of the bed and gazed at the phone. I could put an end to all this now. Six words. That’s all it would take.
I’m sorry. I can’t do this.