Chapter 24
Harvey
“Idon’t want to see him.” I tugged at the bandage covering the cut on my arm.
“He’s been here for the past hour. He refuses to leave.” The nurse tucked the sheet around me, her annoyance obvious.
“I don’t care.”
Except I cared. Deeply, but the moment I let him back into my life, I’d be right back where I’d been two days ago. At least here on this ward, he couldn’t wander in unannounced.
None of this was his fault. This was all on me, but how could I expect him to be there? He’d be forever wondering if I was going to do it again, and right then, I couldn’t promise him I wouldn’t.
The pills helped, deadening my soul until I couldn’t feel anything, but I knew dragging Killian into my shitshow wasn’t what he’d signed up for.
He deserved better. Better than me, anyway. He’d find someone new and make a life with them.
She eyed me with steely blue eyes. “You might have only been here two days, Harvey, but I’m sure you don’t mean that.”
I closed my eyes, intent on ignoring her and the rest of the world. Tiredness threatened to pull me under again. I’d spent more time sleeping than I had in a while, but when I slept, I didn’t think.
My dreams were just that. Dreams of a life I wouldn’t have, so why give him false hope?
“It’s time for your meds, then you can sleep. Do you really want me to tell that lovely man to go away?”
He’d never forgive me if I didn’t at least tell him how I was, but I couldn’t face him, no matter what she said.
“Tell him I’m sleeping, that I’m not up to visitors. I know this seems cruel, but please.”
She handed me the pills and a glass of water. “I’ll ask the doctor to do it. Best coming from him. Now, get some rest. The psychologist will be around later to talk to you, and then maybe you’ll change your mind.”
When I woke next, Julie sat at my bedside.
“Hey, Harvey. How are you doing?” Her smile was full of concern.
“I’m okay,” I croaked and reached for a drink.
“Here, let me.” She gave me the water and sat back down. “The hospital called me because I was down as your therapist. I can still see you, if you wish, but I would understand if you’d prefer to speak to someone else. I feel like I let you down, and for that, I’m sorry.”
Another one blaming themself, when this was all me. It was nothing to do with her at all, although I could see how she might think that.
“I took on too much too soon. I jumped into something with Killian that I wasn’t ready for. Nothing you said could have stopped this.”
“You have to give yourself grace and time, Harvey. Only then will you begin to see improvement. The doctor told me Killian had been around, but that he’d told him you weren’t ready to see visitors. I know you think he was the catalyst.”
“Indirectly, yes, but I need to get better before I see him again, no matter how long that takes.”
“I understand, and we’ll work together to make that happen.”
“So, what comes next? How long am I in here for?”
“There’s no time frame. It’s all up to you. The medication will help, but there’s no point rushing your recovery. There’ll never be a cure for mental health, Harvey. You know this.”
“I’ll be here forever, then.” While I didn’t feel like I wanted to kill myself again, the feeling of hopelessness prevailed. There was no light at the end of the tunnel.
“Look, Harvey. I have a friend in Ireland. He runs a retreat, and I think it’d be good for you to go there.
A couple of my other patients in similar situations to yours have gone there, and it’s been life-changing for them.
I can’t guarantee you’ll achieve the same results, but I think it’s worth a go. ”
Ireland. Fucking typical.
“I’ll think about it.” I yawned, my eyes heavy.
“Sleep on it and let me know what you think. Don’t lose focus, Harvey. I’ll come see you again tomorrow.”
And with that, she was gone.
I did nothing but think about it for the next few days, and within a week, I was on my way to Ireland.
My life would never be the same again, I knew that, but maybe I could have a different life.