Chapter 26
Harvey
“So, that was Killian, eh?” Chris asked as we walked home. In a fit of boldness, I’d left my number with security and asked them to pass it on to him, but the way I’d treated him, I wouldn’t have blamed him if he threw it away.
“Yeah, that was Killian.” He looked different. Stockier with shorter hair, better clothes.
“Do you think he’ll call?”
“Who knows? I have so much to tell him, so much to apologise for. I was fucking mean to him after, you know…”
“That was to be expected, though. It wasn’t his fault, but you’ve said yourself that your relationship with him was what tipped the scale.”
Had we met at a different time in my life, things could have been so different. Instead, he’d caught me when I was still finding myself, still mourning after all those years. Jacking in my job hadn’t helped matters. Isolation from society had me overthinking every action.
And then, when it seemed to go well, Killian got the offer, and it looked like my life would change again. Fear of abandonment had been the catalyst and set me on a path I regretted.
I shook myself from the thoughts I hadn’t had for two years. I wouldn’t allow myself to go back there. That led to disaster, but I had enough skills now to spot when things were spiralling and do something about it.
Chris slipped his arm into mine again. I’d known him for about twelve months now. He was a good friend, but that was all he’d ever be. We were too alike to be anything more, and I’d also sworn off men forever, preferring to live my life on my terms.
We continued to walk in silence. He was used to my moods and knew when I needed space. A heavy frost was forming, shining like glitter on the pavement.
It reminded me so much of my time with Killian.
“What are you thinking about?” Chris could never be quiet for long.
“Killian, the weather, my life.”
“But you’re happy now, right?”
I was happy; that was true at least, but it didn’t mean I didn’t have regrets.
For the first twelve months after my attempt, I’d locked myself away in a safe space to heal. No outside contact with the world, just me and my healing.
Five days after the attempt to take my life, I’d travelled with Julie to the retreat in Ireland. The place was on the west coast, close to Galway, surrounded by green fields and overlooking the sea.
It had been the therapy my heart needed. I grieved properly for my parents and my grandma, for the loss of my childhood, and everything else that had contributed to my breakdown.
I returned a year later to England a changed man, surer of where my life was headed. I sold the house and moved to a picturesque place called Parkgate, not a million miles from Liverpool and Chester. It was where my mother had come from.
It was like home, and the views across the Dee Estuary were fabulous in the summer. I’d sit for hours outside, drawing the wildlife and the views, almost as if this was what my life was meant to be.
My only regret was Killian.
“I’m more than happy. I have a beautiful home, a job I enjoy, and friends like you. But can we move it along? It’s fucking freezing out here.”
We laughed and ran the rest of the way to Chris’s flat, slipping and sliding as we went. I was staying over after seeing a show in the city. The food and company had been great. By the time we arrived at his place, we were out of breath.
“Jesus, I need to hit the gym,” he said.
“Don’t; it’s full of torture machines, or it was the last time I went to one.”
Not that I didn’t keep fit. I ran and went to a local yoga class each week. Exercise was good for the mind, as Julie always reminded me.
Tingles spread through my fingers as the warmth finally reached them.
“We should go to bed. I’ve got an early train tomorrow, and I don’t want to miss work.”
“Yeah. I really enjoyed tonight, though. The food was amazing. We should do it again soon.”
“Definitely.” I headed to my room. “Goodnight, Chris. Thanks for being such a great friend.”
“Hey, it’s no problem. You know that.”
I closed the door and leant against it.
Wow, I hadn’t expected to see Killian tonight.
I never expected to see him again. I’d purposely not looked to see how he was doing, unwilling to face the fact that he would have moved on from me.
I couldn’t blame him. I’d cut all ties with him for both our sakes.
The way I was back then, I’d have only brought him down with me, and that wouldn’t have been fair, not when he was embarking on his own new beginning.
That was why I’d wanted to speak to him, tell him I did it for his own good and mine.
So much for trying to sleep. I lay awake all night, tossing and turning. I’d stayed here a bunch of times, but never once had I noticed how noisy it was. The tick of the clock, the hum of the fridge, the sound of gulls in the early hours of the morning.
I tried putting the pillow over my head, plugged my ears with my fingers, but nothing helped, and by the time the first shaft of light came through the window, I was already up and dressed.
I left a note for Chris on the table and quietly let myself out.
The city was just coming alive. Commuters running for trains. It reminded me so much of my former life, stuck in the metal tube, the joy slowly leaching from my life. I looked around at everyone else. They had the same miserable look I used to have.
God, I was glad I gave it up, even if in doing that, I’d contributed to my downfall.
One by one, the carriage emptied until by the time I got to the other side of the river, it was just me and an older lady.
“Pity the poor souls that do that every day,” she said with a smile. “Makes me happy to be retired.”
I nodded. “I know what you mean. Giving up the rat race to live a simpler life was the best thing I ever did.”
“Life is for living. Grab it by the balls and show it what you’ve got.” She stood and swayed as the train came to a halt. “Have a good day,” she said and got off, leaving me alone with the empty seats and stale smell of bodies and piss.
Some things never changed.
The walk back to my house was brisk. The temperature had dropped overnight, and I wouldn’t be surprised if it snowed.
The meows of my cat, Jasper, sounded as he greeted me at the door. I scooped him up, kissing his soft orange fur. “Have you been a good boy for daddy while he’s been away?”
I’d been gone less than a day, and his automatic feeder had dispensed his food, so he wouldn’t have starved.
I topped up his water and busied myself stroking him and giving him all the loves he’d missed while I’d been away.
He was a very fussy cat and loved to be carried around like a baby. Not that I minded.
“I have to put you down now. Daddy needs to shower and get ready for work. Eat your breakfast, and I’ll bring you some treats later.”
I’d found that sitting at home on my arse all day wasn’t good for my mental health.
I’d eased back into it slowly and tried my hand at a few different things before settling on work in the local tearoom.
It was part-time, and I got to know a lot of the regulars.
Parkgate was popular even in winter, and it was rare that we weren’t busy.
I still only worked a few days a week, but my days were shorter, and there was no stress.
The sale of the house had been lucrative, and I’d saved a lot. This job meant I didn’t have to dip into it as often. My only expenses were my art supplies and the money I spent on tattoos. I’d lost contact with Rafi but found an equally talented artist happy to indulge my artwork.
That reminded me, I had an idea for another tattoo, but that would have to wait until later.
I stepped into the shower, but not before I ran a finger down the scars that had almost ended my life. There was no point in ignoring them. They were part of who I was; they made me the man I was today.
A man proud of what he’d achieved over the past few years, a man who refused to see his previous life as a failure, but as a stepping stone to how I was meant to live.
I washed quickly and shivered as I got out.
This old house took an age to heat up, but it’d be warm soon enough, and Jasper would take his place before the Aga in the kitchen while I went to work.
It was his favourite place to sit. Mine too.
I spent most of my time in there, either cooking or drawing.
My kitchen looked out over the garden I’d spent ages cultivating.
Almost dying had brought a new sense of purpose to my life, and I’d embraced it fully.
I dressed and grabbed myself a piece of toast. Work often supplied breakfast, but I was hungry. I also needed a shot of coffee to kick-start me, or I wouldn’t get through the day without falling asleep.
I gave Jasper another kiss, grabbed my keys, and put on my coat. Where the fuck had I put my phone?
I ran back upstairs and found it on the dressing table where I’d left it plugged in. A notification in the top corner told me I had a message. Probably Chris asking if I’d got home safe.
I’d read it later at work. If I delayed any longer, I’d be late.
The cafe was only a ten-minute walk away. I pushed open the door and said good morning to Steph, who owned the place.
“You don’t look so good. Are you feeling okay?” She handed me my usual cup of coffee and took a sip from her own.
“I didn’t sleep well, so I caught the early train back.”
“Ah, the date with Chris last night, I forgot. I’m guessing it went well.
“Not a date. I’ve told you before, we’re just friends.”
“That’s what they all say, and before you know it, you’re walking down the aisle through a flower-covered arch.”
“Just because that’s what you did doesn’t mean I have to do it.” I rolled my eyes at her, knowing it wouldn’t be the first time I’d do that today. She had a habit of saying the most ridiculous things. For a smart person, sometimes, she had no common sense.
“So, what’s up with the face? Why didn’t you sleep well? Does he snore?”
“Oh my God, Steph. Will you stop? I slept in the spare room. There is nothing going on between us.”
“I’m sorry. I’m only teasing.”
That’s what Killian used to say.
I watched the brown liquid as I swirled it. Killian took his coffee black, no sugar.
I squeezed my eyes shut. This was not helping. Three years I’d barely fought to put him out of my head, and seeing him one night had everything clamouring for attention.
“If you must know, I saw an old flame last night, and he ignored me.”
“I don’t remember you dating anyone.”
“It was a long time ago. Before I moved here. Before…”
“Ah, I see. What’s his name?”
“Killian. We met three years ago, and I fell hard. Got attached far too quickly and things went south.”
“I see.”
“I left him my number last night, but I doubt he got it. I’m sure the security guard will have thrown it away. He probably gets numbers thrown at him left, right, and centre.”
Steph looked puzzled. “Why would he have numbers thrown at him? Who is this guy?”
I pulled out my phone, ignoring the notification, and searched for his name.
Killian McDonagh.
Tempted as I was to read his Wiki page, I skipped to images and pulled up the most recent one.
He was barely recognisable from the man I met.
His hair was tidier, his frame was thicker, but his smile was the same.
The smile that had brought me to my knees each time he sent it my way.
I smiled wryly, remembering all the good times we had.
There weren’t many, but enough for them to be memorable.
“This is him.”
She gasped. “This is Killian? Your Killian.”
“Well, I wouldn’t say he was my Killian.”
“I love this guy. He sang that song.” She tapped her lips. “You know the one.”
She hummed something I didn’t recognise, lost in the song.
“You’re going to have to be more specific.” The only song I ever remembered him singing was the one he sang the first time I met him.
“No, it’s gone. I can’t remember the title. Wow, Harvey. He’s famous and everything. Well, not so much these days, but he was in the charts a while back.”
“Was he? We lost touch.”
“Well, let’s hope he calls you. You’d be one lucky guy to snag him.”
I had been lucky, and I had thrown it all away. I glanced down at the tattoo still visible on my arm.
Barely Breathing
A constant reminder of what could have been.
I took a deep breath and smiled at her. “It’s all done now. He won’t call.”
Remembering the notification, I opened my text messages and almost dropped my phone.
Unknown number: Let’s meet.