Chapter 27 #2
“What? Did you think I was going to sit around and wait? For what, Harvey?” I hadn’t meant to get mad at him, but a part of me wanted him to suffer the way I had. “You decided our fate. You chose to end us.”
“I said I was sorry,” was all he said, his hands lying idle in his lap.
"Sorry won't change what happened."
"Don't you think I know that?" His looked away, his jaw clenched.
I watched him closely. Did he regret what he'd done? What he'd put me through? I don't think he did it to intentionally hurt me. I was a consequence of his actions; actions he couldn't control. I knew it wasn't fair to blame him.
"Forgive me if I'm finding it hard to understand why you did it."
"I get it. I don't always understand it either."
I looked at my watch. It'd be time for me to go soon and I realised I hadn't really answered his question.
"After you, I threw myself into the work. I toured, worked fucking hard in the studio, wrote some great songs, and not just for me. I hoped it would lead to more, but I guess no one wanted a washed-up drug addict with a mediocre voice.”
“You know that’s not true.”
“Which part? The addict or mediocre voice?”
“I always loved your voice. I’d love to hear you again.”
I’d vowed if I saw him again, I’d tell him to fuck off, but being here now, I realised how much he must have been hurting to do what he did.
Some say suicide is a coward’s way out, but you have to be fucking brave.
It’s not something I’d do, but Harvey couldn’t see a way out, and in a way, I was to blame for that.
Maybe if I’d paid more attention. I’m not saying the last three years weren’t his fault, but maybe the blame wasn’t entirely at his door.
But I’d never stopped loving him. In every song I wrote, my memories of him were laced throughout. I’d never forgotten him. Was I willing to give us another chance?
Who knew, but if I did, I’d guard my heart better. Although seeing him now, he looked and sounded nothing like the old Harvey.
“I could probably find you a seat for later if you wanted,” I offered.
He looked so small compared to how he was when he first walked in. I hated that I’d been so mean to him, but surely, I had reason to.
“I’d like that.”
“Maybe we could go out for food later. If you want to.” I was too weak to say no to him.
“That’d be good.” He paused. “I never wanted it to happen like that. I didn’t mean for you to find me, and I know I pushed you away, but I had to get myself better, or I’d have been back right where I started.
” He looked out of the window, his eyes misty.
“I fought my demons, and I won, Killian. I’m ashamed of how I treated you, but I’d like us to be friends again. I know I’m asking a lot.”
He was asking a lot, but I couldn’t deny the pull I had towards him, much the same as the first time I’d seen him outside the bar.
The vulnerable, scared man running away from all that was inside him.
“Just friends,” I said, remembering what I’d said to him from the start. “That’s all we need to be.”
He smiled again and nodded to himself, as if something inside him had settled. “That’s all we need to be.”
Just then, Duncan appeared. “I’m sorry to interrupt, but we need you downstairs, Killian. Time for your sound check, and then you need to get into wardrobe and makeup.”
“Okay, I’ll be down in a minute. Can you find a seat for Harvey? He’ll be staying to watch the show.”
“Of course, of course. I think there’s space in one of the boxes.”
“Oh, I don’t need special treatment. I’ll sit in the gods. I don’t mind.”
“Nope, there’s always a spare seat there. I’d be happy to take you.”
I left Harvey in Duncan’s capable hands and went to my dressing room. The girls did my makeup and left my clothes out.
My throat ached, like daggers every time I swallowed. This wasn’t good, but it was too late to back out now. I wouldn’t let the audience down. I’d muddle through as best I could, and anyway, I had a special guest to impress.
The last half hour I spent doing some vocal exercises, not that it helped. This was a virus, nothing at all to do with my nodules or anything like that.
With two minutes to go until curtain, I gargled some salt water, used an antibiotic spray, and prayed to God Almighty that everything would go well.
I walked onto the stage to loud applause. I’d already briefed the boys on the change to the set. This opportunity was too good to miss.
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. In a slight change to our scheduled set, I want to open with a song I’ve not sung for three years. Only one person knows why.”
I nodded to the conductor and looked up into the box.
There he sat, the only man I’d ever truly loved.
“This is for you, Harv.”
As the bars of Breakeven started up, his hand flew to his mouth, and he closed his eyes. I didn’t need to see the tears I knew would be there.
This wasn’t forgiveness. It’d take a while before I could do that, but a sign I was willing to give us another chance. How long that would take, I didn’t know, but his hold on me was still tight. I hadn’t realised that until now.
I might be mad at him, but I wouldn’t be forever. Was it time to put the past behind us and try again?