Chapter 29
Killian
When all was packed, Harvey gave the driver an address and settled into the back of the car with me. Duncan waved from the pavement, probably glad to be out of it.
He took my hand and said nothing.
I let him.
He gazed out of the window as we sped through the city.
I was so fucking mad at myself for getting sick. I hated cancelling gigs, but there was no way I could carry on singing with no voice. It’d be fucked up for good if I did, and then where would I be?
At least it wasn’t too late. Cutting the concert short meant it was only just ten. I’d be just finishing now, taking a bow and feeling ecstatic.
My heart sank, knowing I’d disappointed so many people. It’d cost, but I was happy to refund the money. Hopefully, we’d be able to rearrange the next few and keep losses to a minimum.
At least I got time to spend with Harvey.
Fate sometimes had a way of taking us in a direction we’d never planned.
Take Harvey and me. Who knew two people so opposite could form such a bond?
The pain and hurt from years ago still lingered, but maybe it was time to put that behind us and see where this would lead. He wasn’t forgiven. Not yet.
It was no coincidence that I’d never found solace in the beds of others. Did that mean I’d been celibate for the last three years? No, but sex had turned into an outlet, but only when I needed one. The rest of the time, I made do with my hand.
When band members invited me to after-show parties, I’d mostly declined, choosing to go back to my hotel alone.
Gone was bad boy Killian, but I’d already lived through all that, and doing it all over again seemed more trouble.
Even though Harvey and I had never progressed to anything more than blowjobs and hand jobs, intimacy seemed wrong with anyone else.
I looked over at Harvey and squeezed his hand. “Almost there,” he said, and went back to looking out the window.
Thank fuck for that because I wasn’t sure how much longer I could stay awake.
Exhaustion filled my bones. I ached all over, my skin hurt to touch, and don’t get me started on my throat. Swallowing razor blades would have been less painful.
We’d gone through the tunnel, sped down a motorway, and we were now winding our way through narrow roads and picturesque villages. Where did he say he lived? I didn’t think he had, but this suited him somehow. The city had never been him, and he’d talked before it happened of selling up and moving.
Before long, we pulled up outside a cute house with a large driveway and garden.
“We’re here,” he said and let go of my hand.
He took my bags from the driver and led me to the front door. I was on my last legs at this point.
The house itself looked cosy. Not at all like the bare apartment I lived in. It had never been like a home. Nowhere had, least of all the place I’d been in before I bought my place in Liverpool.
Harvey put everything down and helped me into the kitchen.
“Sit here. I’ll put the kettle on and make some tea. I have some honey. That should help. Are you hungry? Can I get you something to eat?”
I shook my head. What I really needed was sleep. I pulled my phone out and typed a message. “Drink, then bed.”
“Got it. I’ll take your bags up and shake down the duvet.” He seemed nervous, flitting from place to place, but there was no need to be. It was just me.
With the kettle safely on the Aga, he left the room. A small orange face appeared, swiftly followed by an equally orange feline body.
This must be Jasper. I put my hand down and called him over. Reluctantly, he walked towards me to sniff me. Obviously satisfied I was no threat, he wound his way through my legs, rubbing himself as he went.
I ran my hand down his back and along his tail. Surprising me, he hopped into my lap and nuzzled my face. His fur was so soft, I couldn’t help running my fingers through it. He purred loudly, then clawed at my thighs before curling into a ball.
“Well, seems he likes you. You should feel very honoured. When Chris is here, he hides behind the sofa and refuses to come out until he’s gone. No amount of treats will tempt him out. What did you do to him?”
“Nothing,” I croaked.
“Don’t talk. Here, let me get that drink for you.”
The kitchen contained none of the stuff I recalled from his old house.
All the appliances looked new. I really wanted to look and see what was through the arch, but with Jasper on my lap, it would be difficult.
I craned my neck, but all I could see was his drawing table, and it made me happy that he hadn’t given up his art. Or at least, I didn’t think he had.
The kettle whistling brought my attention back to him, and he busied himself making tea before placing a mug next to me.
“Honey? Say when.”
He squeezed the bottle until there was enough. I put my hand out to stop and watched as it oozed onto the back of my hand. I brought it to my mouth and licked it off. I did it again and watched as his eyes tracked my tongue.
He gulped audibly.
Good to know I could still affect him that way.
Coming to his senses, he stirred the tea and left me to my drink. He loaded the dishwasher and walked out of the room.
The cat still purred, and as much as I loved petting him, I was desperate for my bed. As carefully as I could, I encouraged him to the floor and stood. My head spun, and I gripped the table, terrified I’d fall. Damn it, I hated feeling ill.
I picked up the mug and walked to the stairs, my head swimming as I went. If I didn’t know better, I’d have said I’d drunk a shitload of booze and probably drugs, too, but I’d been dry for at least twelve months, if not more.
I swayed as I took each step, stopping to regain my balance.
“Here, let me.” Harvey took my drink, leaving me to grip the banister as I went. “You’re in this one.”
For a minute, I expected it to be the same as the old house, but it was nothing like that. This one was far more spacious.
“This is your room, and there’s en-suite.”
Memories of a night very much like this one surfaced. That one had had a very different ending. A happy one.
Tonight, my chest was tight, and my sinuses were blocked.
“I’ve put everything in your room and the toiletries in the bathroom. You could shower if you wanted to, but I think you need to sleep.”
I pointed to my face. “Makeup. Shower.”
“If you want. I’ll go start it.”
Even if it was a quick one, I could at least wash my face.
I followed him into the bathroom and undressed, almost overbalancing again.
“I’ll get out of your way.” He backed up, his eyes never leaving mine.
I’d always loved how they were so expressive, and right then, they were conveying something I couldn’t quite read. It had been so long since we’d been together, and although some things hadn’t changed, Harvey had.
“Fuck, you can’t manage. Come ‘ere. Let me help you.”
“Thank you.” My voice was getting croakier by the hour. This time tomorrow, I’d have nothing left.
He lowered me onto the toilet seat and unzipped my boots.
“Duncan said you only got rid of your old ones last year.”
I smiled and nodded. They’d been my favourites.
“It was one of the things I remembered about you. Especially the first night I saw you. I was totally attracted to you. I’m not sure if you noticed, but then, I didn’t have the words to say what I wanted. I was so closed off.”
“I remember,” I whispered.
“But you got me out of my shell. Got me to do things I’d have never done.”
And look where that had got us.
“I want you to know that I tried. I tried to be better for us.” His voice broke. How long had he wanted to say those words?
I put a hand on his shoulder and squeezed. I understood.
“I had it under control, thought it’d all be okay if I went with it, that I’d somehow be miraculously cured. It was never you. I want you to know that. You did all the right things; it was me who couldn’t handle it.”
“You should have talked.”
“And you should be quiet. Let’s get the rest of these clothes off. We can talk more tomorrow. Or, I can. You need to save your voice and get better. Do you have a doctor? I’m sure there’s one around here you could visit if it doesn’t get any better.”
The Harvey I remembered didn’t talk this much, but I liked that he did. I’d always imagined things would be forced if we met again, that I wouldn’t be able to forgive him for what he’d done, but he’d changed for the better.
Right then, he was the friend I needed. The roles had been reversed. He had a friend, and I had none. How could I be so alone in a world full of people?
I’d pulled back after Harvey left, unwilling to put myself back out there. The hurt he’d caused hit hard, and if it hadn’t been for Duncan sticking by me and keeping me going, I don’t think I’d have made it this far.
By now, I was down to my underwear.
“Someone’s doing well for themselves.” Harvey chuckled and pinged the waistband of my designer briefs. “Last time I saw you like this, I think you were wearing M&S best.”
I hooked my fingers into the elastic and slid them down my thighs, revealing all of me to him.
It was nothing he hadn’t seen before, but he turned away. “I’ll leave you to the rest. Let me know if you need me.”
And with that, he was gone.
I’d never been ashamed of my body, but I regretted my decision. I’d pushed him to see his reaction, and he’d left.
I showered quickly and washed my hair, grateful for the rail attached to the wall. Dizziness still left me feeling all at sea, like I was floating, and fuck, it was disconcerting.
I wrapped a towel around my waist and rubbed my hair. The motion left me feeling nauseous. I stumbled into the bedroom and collapsed on the bed.
“Do you need a hand, or are you okay?”
I put both thumbs up, too tired now to talk.
“I have some painkillers. I’ll bring those up with a cold drink. Take them.”
I didn’t hear him come back in, but during the night I woke up under the covers. I fumbled around on the nightstand, finally finding the tablets. With difficulty, I swallowed them down, falling straight back to sleep.
“Killian. I’ve brought you some coffee.”
I woke with a start. Where was I? What happened?
I squinted at the person standing in front of me.
“Harvey?”
“Yeah, it’s me. You’ve been out for like fourteen hours. I brought you a drink up.”
“Fuck.” I rubbed at my throat, thankful it didn’t feel as bad as yesterday.
“Still sore?” He sat on the bed next to me and placed his hand on my head. “Your temperature seems to have gone down. I came in earlier, and you were roasting.”
“I don’t remember. I feel like I’ve been hit by a freight train.”
“More likely a virus. A couple of days in bed and you’ll be right as rain.”
“I have to get up. I’ve got gigs in Scotland.”
“Duncan cancelled them. You can’t sing in this condition, Killian, no matter how much you think you can. Now, lie back and let me take care of you.”
“As much as I love your offer, I’m not really up to it right now.”
“Not like that.” He swiped at me and smiled. “You always did like to tease.”
I yawned and stretched my muscles. “I need to pee.”
“I’ll get out of your way. I’ll bring some food up in a while. Just soup, so it’ll soothe your throat.”
He stood and waited by the door. I threw back the covers and, on unsteady feet, made it to the bathroom. Harvey hovered.
“I’m okay. I’ve got it.”
“You sure?”
“Unless you want to hold it for me.”
A blush spread across his cheeks. “I’ll, um, leave you to it.”
Why was he doing this, and more to the point, why was I letting him?
I swore three years ago that if I ever saw him again, I’d knock him flat and walk away. Yet there I was, lying in his bed, eating his food, and low-key flirting.
My ma always used to say the heart knows what it wants, and I was beginning to believe she was right.