Chapter 34
Chapter Thirty-Four
Charlotte
Age 18
This is all so stupid.
Life. Ya know?
My parents try so hard. But I think I’m unhelpable. Is that a word? It should be. It describes me perfectly.
I’m missing something inside of me. I’m not sure what it is, but I’ve known it wasn’t there since I was young.
It’s the thing that keeps other people happy. That lets them enjoy the little things in life.
Its absence made me say yes to those pills the first time. And keep saying yes every time after. Anything to not feel the hurt all of the time.
Can you imagine that for a moment?
Hurting all of the time. Every minute. Every second.
People always want to judge my choices. But I’d love to see them sad and mangled like I always am. See if they don’t try to use anything that will make it a little bit better.
Rehab doesn’t work. The hospital stays don’t help.
They’re both bandaids. But they don’t heal me.
Only one thing can.
I’m huddled under a little alcove on a side street, shielding myself from the downpour while clutching the pile of happy pills in my fist.
I don’t really want to leave my family behind. I love them and have put them through so much. But things feel so bleak right now. I just want it to stop. For me and for them.
Poor Mom. She’ll think she failed because I gave her the slip. She didn’t even want me to go to orientation, she didn’t think I was ready. But I begged.
She was right. I wasn’t.
I won’t ever be.
I made sure to leave a little note torn off the corner of one of the many informational pamphlets we got today.
“It’s not your fault.”
I hope she believes that.
I throw the pills into my mouth, taking the water bottle I stashed in my purse and swallowing them down.
Now I need to make this call while I’m still coherent.
I find his contact and shakily press it, whispering a prayer that he picks up as the line deafeningly trills in my ear.
The voicemail’s automated voice begins speaking. My heart sinks, but I try to quickly shake it off. The pills are already making me feel lighter, so I need to get this out however I can.
Beep.
“Hey, E. I miss you. I just… uh… wanted to take a second to say hi. I love you. So much. You mean the world to me. I know that I’m leaving… for college. But just remember that you can always talk to me—whenever you want. I’ll be around. And…” My voice trails off. I can feel myself lifting right off the ground, going up into the storm. Kind of poetic, honestly.
I shut my eyes tight, trying to muster whatever consciousness I have left to get this message wrapped up. “Just remember to be careful. People… people can… they can—Life hurts sometimes, but I’ll guide you. I’m tired, E. Sorry. B-bye.”
I have just enough energy to press end before my phone falls from my hand. I lift my heavy eyes to watch the fat droplets fall from the sky. What looked so ominous and dark before, seems cleansing now.
Stepping out from the alcove, I let the water fall all over me. I twirl and dance across the sidewalk, letting my body go wherever it wants, because I’m not hurting right now.
I’m still dancing when a set of bright lights blinds me.
“Make it stop,” I whisper.
Screeeeeech.