Chapter 13
JOHNNY
When the cops arrived at the shop earlier, Paul was running his mouth about all kinds of things – including the fact that I have been sleeping there for the last month.
When they asked me and Steve about it, my friend told them that it’s not uncommon for one of us to need to catch some Z’s at the shop after long shifts and that I’ve been pulling a lot more than the other guys because of time off requests or some bullshit he pulled out of his ass.
When they moved on to the other guys about the fight, Steve pulled me aside and told me that I have to at least find somewhere for a few weeks just in case they send out an inspector.
Russ overheard my predicament and offered me his guest room.
He told me each half of the duplex has three bedrooms, so it’s not a big deal if I crash in his guest room for a while.
I arrived at his place around eight, after making sure Jeremy was good to go for the next few hours until Dan could relieve him.
Between them and Steve and a half asleep Jackson, I was practically pushed out the door.
After a late dinner consisting of some awesome Chinese food – sweet and sour shrimp with extra sauce – and laughing more than I can remember doing in someone else’s presence in years, I help clean up from dinner.
In short, I hold the bag while Russ pretends to dunk the empty containers.
I take the bag out back to the big trash can since I can’t see one inside the kitchen.
I’ll have to remember to ask him about it later.
“Thanks again for this,” I say after coming back inside from tossing the bag of trash in the can outside. “I’ll be able to crash at my sister’s place while they’re on the cruise which should give me more than enough time to find a place.”
“I still can’t believe that they all just up and abandoned you for Christmas. Even my deadbeat dad sends me a plane ticket to visit every year.”
My shrug is automatic. I’m used to the abandonment from my family at this point.
Russ gently grabs both my hands and pulls me down onto the couch, and I’m suddenly kind of uncomfortable with the situation.
I get the whole attraction to older guys thing, but I prefer guys closer to my own age that act older.
There’s nothing wrong with older guys. Some silver foxes are sexy as fuck.
I just don’t usually feel anything for them.
Plus, I totally only want Dexter right now, and fucking around with his neighbor and friend would be the most obvious way to screw me over royally. .. Not in a good way, either.
“Oh. My. God! The look on your face!” Russ falls over laughing, gripping his stomach. “We are totally not compatible romantically nor sexually. I’m hetero so far in my life and at thirty-seven, I think I’m pretty set in that.”
Wow. So I was really off base when I was thinking that he and Dexter were together.
Not gonna lie, the relief that surges through me makes me shiver.
I don’t even notice I’m grinning until Russ reaches out to poke my dimple.
That small gesture makes me giggle. Usually, I try to hide that side of me, but something about Russ makes me relax and I can be myself.
“Don’t worry, Johnny. I’m not gonna steal your Daddy from you.”
I duck my head from the sudden shyness that overcomes me, but then what he said registers... Daddy?
Russ stops his giggling and sits up straight like he’s suddenly switched personalities back to the scary person from the shop.
“You do want Dex to be your Daddy, right? Cuz I won’t let anyone hurt him by stringing him along again. He needs a Little boy of his own and if that’s not you, then I’ll get you a place on the other side of Wrenshaw to stay in. My dad has a lot of properties, so it’s not a problem.”
Little boy? Does Dexter want to have kids with someone? I thought he’s gay...
Tears start to fall against my will at the thought of Dexter having a wife and kids while I’m somewhere else, still on the outside because I can’t do it myself.
If I could have kids without worrying about my family treating them like they treat me, I totally would.
I like being around kids, but I’ll never have my own.
I’ll always just be the gay uncle who gets called to buy the expensive gifts or dogsit because it’s ridiculous to think I might actually have a life or something that their plans would interrupt.
“Johnny?”
Russel’s hand on my shoulder makes me jump, and I pull my feet up onto the couch to hide behind my knees.
I’m a man and men don’t cry like babies because they’re alone.
They don’t cry at the thought of losing something they never actually had.
They don’t cry at the thought of failing at the only task their father ever asked of them.
“Oh, man. What did I say wrong?” Russ sounds worried, but I can’t answer him. He wasn’t wrong. Dexter deserves a man who has his shit together – who doesn’t fall apart when he runs out of Cherokee Red and can’t get to Duffy’s for more.
The sounds in the background are drowned out by the voices of my family echoing in my head telling me to grow the fuck up, man up, grow a pair and all of the other multitudes of ways to tell me that I’m not enough for a man like Dexter. He’s confident and cool and so sure of himself.
My spiral of negative thoughts is interrupted when something fluffy and soft is thrown over my head.
Reaching up, I realize that Russ must have thrown a blanket over me.
It’s so soft and smells lightly of dryer sheets.
I should really tell him that blankies shouldn’t get hit with fabric softener.
It weighs them down and makes them a fire hazard.
Later, though.
Pulling the blankie tighter around me, I start to calm down. My thumb is tapping against my lips, but I resist the urge to suck on it. There’s too much risk of Russ seeing.
“I sorry, Johnny,” Russel whimpers from the direction of the floor.
There’s something different in the tone of his voice that reminds me of the night I first met him.
Lifting the edge of the blanket, I see him sitting criss-cross applesauce on the floor in front of me clutching a very worn teddy bear that has a pacifier clipped to it.
Something about the pacifier is itching my brain, but I don’t want to think about it right now.
“It’s okay, Russ,” I reassure him, not really knowing why he’s apologizing to me. “It’s been a long day and I think I just need to go to sleep.”
He nods quickly and jumps to his feet, pulling me up with him.
We’re halfway up the stairs before I remember I’m still holding the blankie.
.. blanket. At the top of the stairs, I ask him where I should put it, having not seen where he grabbed it from.
He tilts his head like Jess used to do when they were trying to figure out what the grownups were talking about.
Instead of answering me, he pulls me into what I earlier assumed was another guest room or an office, but it looks like a kid’s room – only something isn’t quite right with this either.
Russ takes the blankie... blanket from me and hops into the bed, burrowing himself under the covers with his teddy tucked securely in his arms. He points to the nightlight on the dresser, so I switch it on before he rolls away from me.
I can take the hint and turn off the overhead light on my way out of the room.
As soon as I’m in the guest room across the hall, I dive under the blankets. What the hell did I just see?!
I don’t know what bothers me more: the fact that I don’t see Russ any differently after watching him turn into basically a child in front of me or the fact that my only thought at seeing him in that room is that I want that.
My secret room at the house is going to be so much more awesomer than Russel’s room.