Chapter Five
Caelum
Star, are you, by chance, a little?
The words tumbled from my lips, unbidden.
And he didn’t even look surprised. Rather, his shoulders sagged and a small smile teased the edge of those full, sensual lips.
How many moviegoers would give anything to be here with Star?
If all the gossip mags and TV shows were to be believed, he dated a different one every night.
Did he?
“Yes.”
My own thoughts led me to think this was a response to my last idea. He’d dated every…no. “You’re a little.”
“You had already guessed.” He faced me, the light of the colorful vintage cartoons flickering over his skin. “How long ago?”
“I’m not sure…but probably not long. I mean, when you ordered from the kids’ menu, it was probably a hint but you could have just wanted some kind of junk food for a change.”
“That’s not what I mean,” he said. “But you just figured it out tonight? I thought perhaps you had picked up on it when we were in school.”
“No…truth be told, I didn’t even understand myself well at that time. You never said anything though. Was it because you were embarrassed because you shouldn’t be? It’s great to be who you are.”
“You can say that because you aren’t in the business I am, but no. I didn’t really know then. I had a lot of feelings that didn’t seem to match up with the rest of the kids in high school and especially not that first year in college.”
“But you were always so sociable, invited everywhere. Sometimes you wore me out dragging me to every party, sporting event, all the college activities.”
“Yeah. I might have been overcompensating. But the only reason I was able to do that was because you were there. My backup.” He swallowed hard.
“You gave me the confidence to have the social life I never could growing up. You know I was in and out of school constantly depending on my acting schedule, so I never really made friends, and the things that gave me comfort were not typical of the other guys.”
“You never said anything.” And it ticked me off that I hadn’t recognized any of the signs.
Things I would notice now. “Maybe you did, and I just didn’t listen well enough.
” It made my heart ache to think that the handsome, outgoing young man who’d shared my life and my bed for too short a time had been hiding such a big part of himself.
“Did you have any little things that somehow I didn’t see?
” After being a daddy for so long, I could think of a list of items I’d expect a little to have.
Stuffies, pacies, clothing… “You liked cartoons, but they were mostly the adult swim variety or maybe anime?”
“I liked old cartoons, like the ones we are watching now, but I was settling for those so nobody would laugh. When you were out of the house, at a late class or something, I watched the shows I really enjoyed. And no, I didn’t have much of anything.
A stuffed frog, a couple of childhood toys I kept packed away. ”
“Star, I wish I’d been someone you could talk to. I thought we were so close, but you felt like you couldn’t share such a big part of yourself with me.” I wanted to hug him tight and keep him safe from the world that could be so cruel.
“I didn’t want to do or say anything that might drive you away from me.” He let out a sigh, long and from deep inside. “And then I left and blew it all.”
“Oh, Star. We have so much to talk about. Do you need to get somewhere in the next few hours?”
“No.” He leaned back on the couch, tipping his head from side to side. “I do have to be on set in the morning.”
“So, to start with, I’m a daddy. I didn’t know it, in so many words, back when we were together. I just knew I liked taking care of people, making sure they were happy and felt safe.”
“Exactly. That was why you were the perfect person for me at all those events.” He paused. “You really are a daddy? I was picking up the energy, but…”
“We were so young.” And I ached even more for both of us, perfect for one another but not ready to be that person yet. So much growing to do. “But if you were only comfortable in all those social situations because I was there, what did you do after you left? And before we were together?”
He grimaced. “Before, I did nothing. I worked, went to school between productions, and basically didn’t have friends. No dances or concerts or football games or anything. Even though I didn’t have any starring roles, I kept busy with all those little ones.”
“And after?”
“After, I put on my facade and did what I had to. I filmed, did promotional interviews, went to premiers or whatever was required. No more. No less. When it got too hard, there was a very private club where I could scene for an evening. It took a lot of doing, but it kept the pressure from building to where I couldn’t handle it.
” His smile held more pain than joy. “And here you were, a daddy.”
“We may not have been able to express what we were back then, or at least I couldn’t…could you?”
“No, I knew what I liked, what made me happy, but I didn’t know there was anyone else who felt the same.”
“I don’t suppose a leading man who liked a tubbie with duckies would get some of the roles you’d had.”
He chuckled. “Probably not. I have to keep those things locked away in my ‘private desk drawer’ so the cleaning lady doesn’t see them.”
“I’m not sure how the Insurance Brokers’ Association would feel about a daddy, but in fact it’s kind of a perfect fit. I try to make sure everyone has what they need in case of a crisis of any kind.”
“Makes sense.” He sounded tired. “But sometimes it’s hard being someone else all the time, even if it’s for work. And I love what I do, don’t get me wrong. But you saw what happened before. I was going to check out Chained. Have you heard of it?”
“Heard of it? I’m a charter member.”