Chapter Nineteen
Mason
Staring at the empty space where Ash had stood, I strived to wrap my head around what had happened. Hadn’t it only been a few hours ago I lost my mind inside his incredible body, never wanting to leave? Instead, I’d told him the truth and driven him away.
What the hell was going on with me?
“That went well.” Gabe’s voice made me jump.
“Not now, Gabe. I’m not in the mood.”
“Well, what a fucking shame.”
I stalked up to him until we were inches apart, for once not finding his cocky attitude amusing. Instead, I wanted to punch him right in the face. “I said not now.”
I was too raw, too vulnerable, and far too ashamed to discuss anything about me and Ash. I needed to think rationally and to do that I had to calm down. My emotions were too all over the place to contemplate getting my head around what’d I’d done. So, the last thing I needed to do was lash out at Gabe and say something to him I’d regret later.
Gritting my teeth, I stalked off to my room instead.
*
Rubbing my gritty eyes, I checked the clock on the nightstand, wincing at the early hour. I’d tossed and turned all night, my mind going over and over our argument and how upset Ash had become—how upset I’d made him. Most of all, I kept hearing him tell me he loved me on a continual loop in my head.
His declaration was too much to grasp and made me feel sick to keep thinking about how badly I’d treated him. The break in his voice when he asked me if I didn’t trust him was a reminder of how big an asshole I was. I needed to take my mind off Ash somehow, to stop going over our conversation in my head and hearing those three words overpowering all else.
The sun had barely risen as I changed into a gym shirt and shorts. After lacing up my sneakers, I headed down to the basement and Gabe’s home gym. As he was once again sleeping in his second-floor bedroom, there should be enough distance between us to let off steam without waking him. Shoving my earbuds in, I cranked up some rock music super loud, needing to drown out Ash’s voice from my mind.
Climbing on the treadmill, I set a punishing pace, running for the next hour as if the devil were on my tail. The weights followed, rep after rep, pushing my muscles to complete failure.
I spotted Gabe out of the corner of my eye from where he sat at the bottom of the stairs, so reluctantly turned off my music. “Feel better?” he asked me.
“Nope,” I snapped at him. Despite being covered in sweat and my body being more pumped than ever, my exertions had released none of the stress and tension whatsoever.
“You wanna talk about it?” he asked. “Might help.”
Grabbing a towel, I wiped my face. “I don’t see how. The outcome will still be the same.”
“Why not talk to me anyway,” he reasoned. “If nothing else, you get my sparkling repartee and adorable smile.” He flashed me the adorable smile, and I instantly caved and gave a wan smile back. “There, see, me being here is helping already.”
I let out on a long sigh. I suppose talking to him wouldn’t make the situation any worse. “Fuck it. Why not.”
He chuckled. “Gotta love your enthusiasm.”
I gave him the finger.
“So, spill,” he ordered, all the funny guy attitude gone, replaced by the solid and dependable best friend I’d known for over ten years.
“Let’s sit down.” I gestured at the benches against the wall. We sat and I stared at my feet for a bit, unsure where to begin. Eventually looking him in the face, the words I said next were as much of a surprise to me as they were to him when I asked, “Have you always known you were gay?”
His eyes grew serious as he mulled over my question. “As soon as I grew old enough to figure out what the feelings I had were, yeah, I guess I did.” He shifted on the bench, giving me a direct look. “What about you, Mason? You always know you were straight?”
Never one to mess around, he homed straight in on what I hadn’t revealed. “I used to think so.”
He remained silent for a beat, “And now?”
I contemplated his question. “Now?” I shrugged. “Not so much.”
He placed his hand on my shoulder and squeezed gently. “Are you all right about that? It’s okay if you’re not or are still unsure. As I said the other day, you’ve been through a hell of a lot. You nearly died for Christ’s sake. You’re allowed to question the what-if’s, and think about your life from a different perspective. As long as you’re okay and not freaking out, I am too.”
Am I okay?
An image of Ash in bed after we’d made love, with his flushed cheeks and messy hair, appeared in front of my eyes. The sexy satisfied look on his face as he gazed up at me, all so vivid in my mind. How could I continue to question my feelings for him when he was the only one to make me experience emotion so deeply, to crave his attention, to be spinning in his orbit all of the time?
Hell, I’d run down the steps to the beach without thinking once about who might be there or the consequences of my actions to see him, be close to him, to touch him.
“I’m more than okay.” It was one of the easiest answers I’d ever given.
“You love him?” Gabe asked quietly.
I sat back on the bench, rested my head against the wall, and closed my eyes. I’d sworn off love after Lindsay. I’d loved her or, at least, thought I had and built my whole life around the two of us. I’d taken months to admit my feelings to her once we’d started dating, and only seconds to kill them when I found out about her affair. After her betrayal, I’d resolutely promised myself never again.
Yet Ash was the complete opposite. Being with him seemed easy and natural. No wondering what he might be thinking because he always told me, making sure I was fully aware of where he stood, where I stood. He cared for me when I had my breakdowns like he’d done so for years, instinctively understanding how to bring me down from whatever ledge I’d teetered on at the time. He constantly looked out for me, when I’d always considered myself to be the person protecting the one I loved. But no, Ash had protected me all along, and I never realized how much I needed him there to lean on.
I couldn’t say for sure at what point I’d fallen in love with him. The feelings had sneaked under my radar, infiltrating the barriers and walls I’d built to keep them out, lodging deep in my soul without me knowing. If I had to guess, I’d say it would have happened when I’d first met him on the deck, leaving me with a lasting impression when we’d sat on either side of the glass. He was forever there in my head and in my heart, and I’d never noticed until today. Until it was too late.
I inclined my head in agreement, unable to speak the words out loud, needing to say them to Ash first before telling anyone else.
“He loves you?”
“He says he does.”
“So?”
I let out a long sigh. “It’s not that easy.”
He silently contemplated me for the longest time until I squirmed uncomfortably under his scrutiny. “It’s as easy as you want it to be,” he answered me, and I rolled my eyes.
“They teach you that crap in some online class you took?’ I shook my head. “You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.”
“So tell me. Tell me why it’s not that easy and what exactly the issue is.”
“I’m a mess, Gabe, a fucking mess. How can I be what he needs, give him what he wants when I’m so fucked up?”
Pushing up from the bench, Gabe paced in front of me. “What does he want or need, for that matter, huh? Please, tell me. I’ve seen you two together, how you are with each other. He worships the ground you walk on.” He stopped pacing and jabbed a finger at me. “From the short time I’ve known him, I can tell all Ash wants is to be loved, and you already love him. Don’t you?” He waited. “Well, don’t you?”
“Yeah, but—”
“No fucking buts, Mason,” he cut in, smirking at his words. “Well, okay, one for you and the odd couple hundred or so for me,” he chuckled.
A couple hundred or so?
“But—” He got serious again, his rapidly changing mood giving me whiplash as I tried to keep up. “—Ash is a nurturer, a protector; it’s how he shows his love, by taking care of you, keeping you safe, putting you first. What the hell do you think he’s been doing the whole fucking time?”
His words hit me like a freight train. All this time, Ash had consistently shown me how much he loved me, and I’d totally missed it. Even yesterday, after being an asshole to him, he came back to escort me home, despite how furious he was with me.
“How do you know what and who Ash is? You hardly know him.”
Gabe having more insight into Ash than I did annoyed the crap out of me for some reason. I could use my attack and subsequent state of mind as an excuse, but that wouldn’t be true. The simple answer was I’d become too self-absorbed, wallowing in my own self-pity, to look up and see what was right in front of me.
“I pay attention; that’s how. Ash doesn’t care how fucked up you are. He loves you anyway, you stupid dolt.”
“But how do I trust him not to…to…” I shook my head, unable to finish. If I let Ash fully inside, only for him to betray me, I’d never recover.
“To what? Have an affair? Leave? Not hurt you?”
All the above .
“It’s called having hope and a whole lot of faith,” he replied.
What a load of crap .
“Oh, well, gee thanks. Fucking hope and faith.” I shook my head at him. “That’s so fucking lame.”
“Is it? Well, answer me this. What exactly have you done to prove how trustworthy you are to him? As I have ta tell ya, from where I’m standing, I ain’t seen much evidence so far.”
I registered the slip of his usually well-spoken accent—a return to his Brooklyn roots, which only happened when he got emotional or angry, or both.
“What?”
“What have you done to prove your trust to him?” he enunciated each word, as if I were a child. “Okay, you’ve helped with his renovation, proved your worth, but anyone could have worked with him on the house. What else?” He tapped his finger to his lips a few times, “Nope, from where I’m standing, that’s about as much as I can see.” He went back to pacing. “And then you went and did the one thing guaranteed to hurt him the most, when it’s crystal clear to me, he’d turn his world upside down and inside out for you. You fucking left him.”
I choked out an unintelligible reply.
Gabe’s hand cupped his ear. “Nope, I didn’t quite catch your answer there, pal,” he replied sarcastically.
“He left me,” I shouted at him. Christ, wasn’t he meant to be on my side?
He tutted and gave me a pitying look. “He may have dumped your sorry ass, but you’re the one who did the leaving.”
“What?” I frowned, scrunching my face up. “You’re not making any sense.”
He spread his hands. “Think about what I said for a second. I’m sure it’ll come to you.”
What the hell? Huffing, I let the words sink in, trying to decipher what he meant, running over my last moments with Ash, seeing nothing new, nothing I could have done to change the outcome. I scanned through all our interactions, analyzing each one until I had my lightning-bolt moment.
“There we go,” Gabe snarked.
For some reason I’d gotten it in my head Ash hadn’t done enough to earn my trust, so I’d never given him all of mine either. Each time he’d opened up or gone out of his way to make my life easier, I’d retreated further, unable to believe he wasn’t being so kind and caring for other more selfish and nefarious reasons like all the other people. Ash’s trust had always remained, always freely given, and I’d pushed that trust away and in turn pushed him away.
Gabe was right. I’m the one who’d left as, deep down on a subconscious level, I did trust him but wasn’t in any way prepared for how to cope with the consequences. I hadn’t wanted to believe my feelings because of how badly I’d been disabused of the concept since Lindsay’s affair and my assault.
I’d never let Ash in, so in the end, he’d taken the only logical course of action for him to protect his heart, and as Gabe had so eloquently put it, dumped my sorry ass.
“Shit,” I swore.
“Indeed.”
I stood and faced him. “When did you get so smart?”
“I’ve always been smart, asshat, but what can I say…”
“Yeah, yeah, I know.” I patted his shoulder a few times. “It’s a gift.”
He chuckled and pulled me into a hug. I gripped him and squeezed tight, hoping to convey all my thanks and appreciation and love with this one gesture.
Separating, he put on his cheesiest grin and pronounced in the worst accent I’d ever heard, “Now go work out how to git your man.”
I rolled my eyes, but his words found their way home. I had to go get my man.