Chapter 21
Chapter Twenty-One
NYLA
The smell of cotton candy and roasted almonds hangs in the air. The screeching of the roller coaster blends with the shrill clanging of a prize booth bell, where apparently someone has just won the grand prize.
While Jaden steps onto the fairground in the dusk of the falling night and looks around, full of anticipation, my gaze roams over the other visitors.
There are too many. Too many people who could be carrying infections. In the ER I have protective clothing; here I’m exposed to them. I shouldn’t have come along, but for a moment Jaden managed something that had been impossible until now.
When he said that being happy didn’t have to be complicated, images formed in my mind. Warm and light and colorful. They made the worries that so often weigh my life down just fizzle out. Made room for longing, for dreams, for wishes. For everything I’d so love to have back in my life.
‘Okay, what do we start with?’ Jaden gives a crooked grin. ‘Kiddie carousel?’
Next to me someone opens a can of soda with a hiss, somewhere a horn blares loudly. Strings of lights flash in every color and are reflected in the eyes of the laughing fairgoers.
I point to the area with the fewest people. ‘Let’s go that way.’
We stroll off, and it takes less than a minute before Jaden, eyes shining, points to a stall offering a tin can throwing game. ‘Do you dare take me on?’
Tin can throwing is perfect for me. I raise my eyebrows, glad he picked that. ‘Do you dare?’
‘Challenge accepted.’ Jaden plants himself at the counter with exaggerated seriousness and has three balls handed to him. He takes the first, aims carefully… and misses. ‘That doesn’t count! Gravity was stronger than expected.’
I can’t help but smirk. ‘Gravity, huh?’
‘Seems pretty intense today. But now I know what I’m dealing with. The next one will clear the lot, get ready for a can fireworks display.’ He rubs his hands theatrically, throws the second ball… and hits exactly one can.
‘Wow. Absolutely breathtaking,’ I say, amused, and signal to the stall owner to give me three balls as well. ‘Think I can top that?’
‘I’ve still got one more try.’ He gets into position and takes several deep breaths. Then he throws the ball, which misses the pyramid of cans by a mile.
Of course he does it on purpose, and it’s silly, but it still makes me laugh.
He shrugs. ‘The sun was in my eyes.’
The words the sun was in my eyes echo inside me, and all at once I see myself standing on the coast of Thailand, salty wind in my hair, my arms stretched wide.
Underneath me the waves thunder against the cliffs. My heart is pounding, adrenaline is rushing through my veins. Next to me someone calls my name. The student I met backpacking last week, camera in hand, laughing because she knows I’m really going to do it.
‘Just jump! Don’t think about it!’ she yells.
I blink against the sun, which hangs so bright in the sky that it bathes everything in a golden blur. Then I take a deep breath, step forward … and let myself fall.
For the space of a heartbeat, nothing exists but the rush of freedom and the feeling of being invincible.
I haven’t thought about that day in ages, but now the memory is suddenly so close it feels like it was yesterday. I reach for the little suitcase on my bracelet and feel it even more intensely. That feeling from back then is still inside me. And it’s beautiful.
‘Then let’s see what you’ve got.’ Jaden points to the three balls in front of me.
The memory still glows unchanged in my chest as I pick up the first ball. With a broad smile on my face, I throw it toward the largest pyramid, which immediately collapses in on itself.
‘Boooom,’ I shout and jump into the air with joy. It’s only a few cans I’ve knocked over, yet a fierce feeling of happiness stirs inside me.
Jaden stares at me, obviously so impressed by my throw that his mouth is left hanging open.
‘You see?’ I gesture expansively at the chaos. ‘If you calculate the influence of light and gravity correctly, it’s no problem at all.’
His gaze grows more intense. ‘You are…’
‘What am I?’ I turn to him, a pleasant tingling spreading through me.
He doesn’t answer, just looks at me the same way he looked at me yesterday in the ambulance, right before…
‘Congratulations. Which prize would you like?’ someone asks from somewhere very far away.
Jaden and I continue to look at each other unchanged. My heart beats knowingly in my chest, quietly calling for his closeness. The corners of my mouth lift, just like his.
There is this liberated feeling inside me and I don’t want to let it go, don’t want to worry for a moment about every possible and impossible thing.
I want to do it. Kiss Jaden until I can’t breathe anymore. Forget what happened yesterday or what might come tomorrow. Be happy.
Just here.
Just us.
Just now.
‘Miss, your prize.’ Someone grabs my arm. I flinch, tear myself away from the sight of Jaden, and recognize the friendly face of the stall owner. ‘Pick something out.’
In a daze, I let my gaze wander over the prizes stacked everywhere on the shelves. A red parachute backpack catches my attention. It’s one of those toy models you throw into the air so it slowly sails to the ground.
And again a memory forces its way up inside me.
I’m standing at the edge of the door, the wind whipping in my face and my heart pounding like crazy.
‘Okay, on three we go.’ I feel someone hugging me from behind. ‘One.’
The world beneath me is a huge carpet of colors and shapes, the horizon seems endless.
‘Two.’
I look up. The sight of the infinite expanse of the sky takes my breath away.
‘Three.’
We plunge into nothingness. The wind howls in my ears. The ground is racing closer, yet I feel light as a feather, weightless and—strange as it is—boundless. The roar of the airstream becomes a familiar companion. Freedom floods through me.
I laugh, cry, scream like crazy.
I am alive.
With every fiber of my body.
The parachute opens, and with a gentle jolt the fall is halted. I swing back and forth, my gaze fixed on the world, which still appears so small. Silence and peace enfold me.
Deep inside I feel that I can accomplish anything. And that nothing of what awaits me down there will ever be able to steal this knowledge from me.
How young I was back then. How naive. I didn’t know the slightest thing about what life can do to you. That you can not only accomplish everything, but also lose everything.
To be the old Nyla again, without fear, without worries, without doubts – never have I wanted that as much as I do now, while I look at the toy parachute but don’t dare reach out my hand for it.
Jaden clears his throat. ‘How about these headphones?’
I look in the direction he’s pointing. The pink glittery headphones catch my eye immediately. ‘Yeah, I could really wear those at work.’ If I were a pediatrician like my roommate Autumn. But in the emergency room?
‘Definitely, they’d look great on you,’ Jaden replies, as if he hasn’t realized I just made a joke. ‘Besides, music makes everything better.’
And I need things that make everything better. That’s what he thinks. Maybe. Anyway, it’s what I think.
‘Okay, I’ll take the headphones,’ I say to the stall owner.
‘An excellent choice,’ he replies with a satisfied nod, hands them to me, and wishes the two of us a pleasant evening.
Five hours, countless games, and long conversations about our favorite movies, music, and absurd TikTok trends later, Jaden has me laughing with his monologue about the pros and cons of to-do lists as we reach my apartment building.
Me with five balloons in my hand and a broad smile on my face, him looking content.
The fabric rose he won at the duck pond game is tucked into the top buttonhole of his leather jacket.
It’s long past midnight and I should be tired, but it’s the opposite. I wish this evening would never end. That life as a whole were like a fairground—colorful, fun, a little crazy.
‘Thanks for walking me home.’ There’s a note of wistfulness in my words; I hear it so clearly that Jaden must hear it too. ‘It was a great evening.’
The light from the front door falls across his face. He looks happy, maybe even a little proud. ‘And at first you didn’t even want to come.’
That’s true. Why didn’t I, anyway?
For hours, I haven’t thought about it, but now reality slowly seeps back into my head: tomorrow—no, today already!—I’ll get my test results.
‘Hey.’ All at once he’s right in front of me. As if he can sense worries bubbling up inside me, he gently brushes his fingertips over my forehead. ‘When you look like that, it scares me, you know that, right?’
I feel the corners of my mouth lift. ‘Me too,’ I say softly.
His gaze follows his fingers as they wander from my temples and cheeks down to my lips. ‘But when you smile like you do now…’
His thumb grazes my upper lip, his eyes find mine. Pure bliss is reflected in his irises, mixed with that yearning glow I’ve seen before.
And also not for the first time, it wraps around me with its strength, making everything around me disappear.
‘What are you doing?’ I hear myself whisper. Hoarse. Longing. Hopeful.
Instead of answering me, he lifts his shoulders. Somewhere inside me, my own voice warns me to leave this alone. To turn around and walk away before things happen that set something in motion that I can no longer stop.
Without changing, he touches my lips. ‘Do you want me to stop?’
‘I don’t know.’ My God, why am I telling him that? Yes would have been the right answer and I should have said it. Loud and clear.
Still, here I am standing in front of the apartment building, with Jaden, under millions of stars, and I want to stay. Do what I feel like doing right now, just once.
Now he leans toward me, a knowing expression ruling his face. It’s about to happen, yet I don’t back away.
Only a few more centimeters, then our lips will touch.
A fierce tingling rushes through me.
I should put an end to this, right now, or else…
He turns his head so that instead of our lips, only our cheeks touch. ‘Sleep well, Nyla.’ His breath brushes my ear, his lips my temple. ‘See you tomorrow.’
My heart is pounding hard in my chest. It wants more than tomorrow. It wants now.
Unable to say anything in response, I nod, and he lets go of me. He looks deeply into my eyes one last time, then turns around and runs off.
I watch him go, see how the darkness swallows him, and try to comprehend what has just happened here.
What has been happening all evening.
What could happen tomorrow.
Confused and with knees far too weak, I unlock the front door. In the elevator going up, I look at my reflection.
Shining eyes. Soft pink cheeks. Gentle smile.
I look happier than I have in a long time, but that’s not all. I also look healthier than I have in a long time.
Maybe I even am.
When I open the door to the shared apartment a little later, I am surprised to find Sonora in the hallway. In a skimpy sleep shirt and clearly disoriented.
‘Uhhh.’ Her sleep-dazed gaze rests on me. ‘Looks like someone had a nice evening.’
‘Possibly.’ It was way too beautiful, to be exact. So beautiful that I want to hold on to it a little longer, him and this feeling it triggered in me. Still, I can feel it slowly sneaking out of my body.
Sonora brushes her wild curls off her forehead and leans against the wall. ‘Were you out with someone in particular?’
‘Maybe.’ I can feel myself blushing, even though nothing happened between us today. Well, almost nothing. At least he didn’t try to kiss me.
But I wanted him to. Desperately. And more than once. Yet now the last bit of happiness is slowly dissolving inside me. Soon I’ll be myself again. The twenty-five-percent Nyla whose odds could already take a drastic turn for the worse today.
The Nyla I don’t want to be.
‘Tell me more.’ Sonora rubs her eyes, as if she’s determined to stay awake.
I shake my head. ‘I really need to go to bed.’
‘Yeah, I should probably go back to sleep too,’ she replies. ‘I’m just going to grab something to drink.’
We hug briefly, then I head for my room.
Technically, I should have been asleep four hours ago.
My sleep stats for tonight are going to be disastrous.
But they probably would have been anyway, because the fear of my appointment with the oncologist today would definitely have kept me awake.
This way, at least I filled a few hours of the waiting time with pleasant thoughts.
When I open my bedroom door, I start to ponder. Maybe Jaden is right when he says it’s better not to think about the future all the time. Maybe he’s right that, by doing that, you miss out on part of the present.
‘Sleep well,’ Sonora whispers in my direction.
My hand on the doorknob, I turn back to her. ‘You too.’
‘As long as I don’t dream about Dr. Perfect, everything’s fine,’ she replies with a grin.
Her boss, right, she met him today after hearing so many rumors about him. ‘What’s he like?’
She exhales slowly. ‘Even more perfect than everyone says.’
As if that would bother her. Of all my roommates, she’s the biggest fighter. ‘You’ve got this.’
‘Quitting isn’t an option anyway,’ she replies and disappears into the kitchen.
I step into my room, rummage in my handbag for the notebook, and sit down at the desk. With a sigh, I open the top drawer, take out the blood pressure monitor, and bare my upper arm.
While I run through my usual checks, my thoughts wander back to the fair. It doesn’t completely distract me, but at least a little.
The readings are fine; I jot them down and close the notebook. My gaze falls on the tiny orchid Olive gave me a few days ago. One leaf has turned brown around the edges.
She’s alive, I hear Jaden’s voice, soft and warm and confident.
For now, wells up in me at once. Still, I get up from the desk chair and walk into the kitchen to get her some water.