Chapter 29
Chapter Twenty-Nine
NYLA
The kitchen is small but cozy. Warm light falls onto the countertop, and the smell of freshly sautéed vegetables surrounds me.
When I arrived here an hour ago, loaded down with shopping bags, I could barely string a sentence together, I was so excited. And that even though cooking dinner here with him, something I can eat without worry, is so much easier than sitting with him in a bar full of people.
It’s because of Jaden, because of the way he looks at me, because of what his presence does to me. Because of the way he’s studying me now with feigned seriousness.
‘Ready for the operation.’ He points at the avocado lying in front of him on the cutting board, then picks up the knife.
I laugh. ‘Don’t you think a doctor should be doing that?’
His eyes light up, then he fillets the avocado like a pro. ‘No, I don’t think so.’
‘You’re full of unexpected talents,’ I say, sounding like I’m head over heels in love with him.
Which I’m not. Day by day. Moment by moment. No more, but also no less. That’s what we agreed on, and that’s exactly how it works for me. It’s just… nice.
Grinning, I focus on the pan and stir the vegetables. Steam rises and mingles with the cool breeze drifting in through the open window.
‘Okay, we’ve got a critical patient here,’ I hear Jaden call out suddenly, sounding alarmed. ‘Unseasoned vegetables. I repeat: unseasoned vegetables!’
I burst out laughing on the spot.
‘We have to act fast!’ He reaches for the saltshaker. ‘Give me the pepper powder, Dr. Moore.’
‘Pepper powder?’ Gasping for breath, I hand him the pepper mill. ‘Good rescue teams work with precise terminology.’
He seasons the vegetables more generously than I would and then sniffs the air theatrically. ‘Patient stabilized. Seasoning within normal range.’
‘You are…’
Crazy. One of a kind. Intoxicating.
His eyes meet mine. ‘What?’
Instead of answering him, I rise up on my tiptoes and kiss him so intensely that I feel a little dizzy. Everything around me blurs, becomes wonderfully unimportant.
‘What did I do to deserve that?’ he asks after we pull apart again.
‘Simply by being you.’ Warmth floods my chest. ‘This is a great evening, thank you.’
‘The patient isn’t cured yet,’ he replies, pointing at our half-finished meal.
I shake my head, laughing, while he sets to work on the steaks as if they were particularly delicate surgical cases. The scent of roasted aromas and spices fills the kitchen, the oil sizzling softly.
As warm and light as this moment feels, that’s how warm and light everything inside me is too. On the way here, I still had a thousand questions in my head, but now I don’t need any answers anymore.
It is what it is, and just like that it’s wonderful.
Even when Jaden fills two wineglasses a little later and hands one of them to me, I accept it willingly. We clink glasses and I take a sip. Without a guilty conscience, but with a relaxed smile.
‘What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done in your life?’ he wants to know from me, motioning for me to sit down.
‘Eating something you cooked, I think.’ I raise my brows, he laughs. ‘And you?’
He reaches for knife and fork. ‘Inviting you here.’
I try to read in his face whether that’s a joke or serious. ‘And what about the hot blonde you told me about when I was stitching up your head wound?’
‘You still remember that?’ he asks with a smirk, spearing a piece of bell pepper with his fork. ‘Interesting.’
My cheeks start to burn.
‘Don’t worry, she’s no match for you,’ he says, and his expression softens.
‘She doesn’t exist, does she?’ I lean back in my chair.
‘No.’
So he was serious earlier? The craziest thing he’s ever done was invite me here? ‘Why do you never have guests here?’
‘Oh, I have visitors all the time.’ He cuts off a piece of his steak.
So it has something to do with me personally. I slide forward on my chair and brace my arms on the table so I can look him deep in the eyes. ‘Then why was it so crazy to invite me?’
‘Well, now you not only know where I live, but also where my spare key is.’ He gives me a casual wink.
‘Don’t worry, I’m not going to claim a shelf in your closet, and your toothbrush will never have to share the cup with mine for very long,’ I say, thinking of what we agreed on.
He catches my gaze with his own. ‘Okay.’ Even though he smiles at me, he looks strangely disappointed.
I reach my hand out to him, trace the fine lines of the tattoos on his forearms and wonder what they mean.
‘Don’t worry, I personally made sure they used a fresh needle and followed all the aftercare instructions to the letter,’ I hear him say, and suddenly I realize how much this man has changed me.
The Nyla I’ve been since my illness would have thought about exactly that.
The dirty needles, infections, autoimmune reactions, sepsis.
But to the Nyla who is sitting across from him now, that didn’t matter at all just now.
She wanted to know what kind of person was behind the shapes and colors and why he chose exactly those images.
In that moment I realize that there aren’t only risks. That I am neither a twenty-five-percent person nor a six-percent person.
I am a ninety-four-percent person, because that’s how high my chance is of staying healthy.
The thought floods me along with the confidence, the possibilities, the happiness that lies in it. There is hardly any room for that fear I thought I could never defeat.
There is only my heart, beating strong and healthy in my chest. And there is Jaden, the man who has brought about far more than I previously thought.
I lean across the table. ‘Kiss me,’ I whisper hoarsely, because that’s what I want.
That and so much more.
Not just simply us, simply here, simply now.
But tomorrow as well.
Smiling gently, he rises from his chair and comes toward me. The candle flame warms my cheek, I push myself up with my hands, sink into his eyes, which are full of longing, wanting to fly with him. But before our lips touch, a bright clinking makes me flinch.
I look around in a panic.
Our wineglasses have tipped over, the shards are scattered all over the table, the wine is soaking my shirt.
‘Oh man.’ I pull the damp shirt tight in front of my stomach and look at the burgundy-red stains on the white background.
Jaden laughs at the sight of the chaos. ‘Okay, an unplanned rescue mission. No problem, that’s what we’re good at, after all.’
‘I’m really sorry.’ I start gathering up the shards.
He holds me back. ‘I’ll do it,’ he says lovingly, then points to a door opposite the sofa. ‘There are fresh shirts in the closet.’
I brush a grateful kiss on his lips, cross the living area, and enter his bedroom.
My gaze lingers on his bed, images of him and me fluttering through my mind.
How we kiss, touch, lose ourselves in each other.
How we fall asleep together. How the first rays of the morning sun stroke our bodies as we lie pressed close together.
With a dreamy sigh, I open the wardrobe door. A sheet of paper flutters up and sails to the floor in front of me. I bend down to pick it up.
Is this a letter? No, not a letter, but notes. The items are numbered.
1. Adopt a dog from the animal shelter.
What is this?
2. Get up in the middle of the night, hike up a mountain and watch the sunrise.
With the sheet in my hand, I sink down onto the bed.
3. Learn to dance tango.
It’s not Jaden’s handwriting. I’ve seen his scrawled notes in the handover reports often enough, and this handwriting here is anything but scrawled. It looks soft and flowing. Feminine. It seems familiar to me, but from where?
4. Count the stars over Greenland.
Is this a bucket list? Who wrote it, and why is it in Jaden’s wardrobe?
5. Taste everything you’ve never eaten before.
Something about this point makes me pause. Do you know those crazy street food stalls at the Farmers’ Market? I hear Lilly asking in my thoughts.
It’s strange that someone here is planning the same thing Lilly wanted to do. A coincidence?
Wait a second. Lilly… Is that her handwriting?
As if on its own, my gaze wanders back up. I’m not quite sure. It’s possible, but I’m not certain, so I look for other clues.
Greenland. Did she ever talk about it?
No.
The dog. What about that? I rummage through my memory, search all our conversations for clues and find one: she told me about the dog she had as a child and still missed terribly. But she never mentioned that she’d like to have another one.
The tango dancing also seems somehow familiar to me. She always followed the ballroom competitions on TV.
‘Oh, just once I’d like to be able to dance like that…’ she said with a sigh more than once.
Although I don’t understand what this is supposed to mean or whether there’s any connection between Lilly and this list at all, my stomach turns queasy when I read the next item.
6. Create the most beautiful garden in the world.
I stare at the words as they slowly seep into my consciousness and feel them merge with my own memory.
‘A garden,’ she breathes longingly. ‘A quiet paradise, threaded with the scent of blooming lavender bushes and wild roses.’
‘That sounds amazing!’
‘An old olive tree spreads its gnarled branches, casting shade and whispering softly in the wind. Somewhere a little brook babbles, the water glinting in the afternoon sun.’ Her voice grows ever fainter, as if speaking costs her too much effort.
I reach for her hand. ‘One day we’ll sit there together.’ With the scent of lavender in our noses, birdsong in our ears, and the tingling of sunrays on our skin.
Lilly’s eyes are already closed again. ‘We will.’
The list blurs before my eyes and I don’t know what to think. She never told me she had a bucket list, only raved about everything she still wanted to do once she got better. Still, I can’t shake the feeling that the list I’m holding in my hands now might be hers.
I read on.
7. Walk across hot coals.
She might like that, but she’s never mentioned it. Maybe I was wrong. Lots of people have dogs, dare to try crazy foods, and dream of having a garden.
Thoughtfully, I turn the sheet over. There’s something written right at the very bottom in the right-hand corner.
A name.
Breathless, I stare at the Y. A tiny flower at each end, each one with different petals.
Daisy. Snowdrop. Poppy.
Lilly.
My God… This is actually Lilly’s bucket list!
Out of nowhere, my fingers start trembling, barely able to hold the paper. It’s a piece of my history that doesn’t belong here, and yet it’s here anyway. Crumpled and worn, between Jaden’s clothes.
What does he have to do with Lilly’s dreams? Why does he have this list?
‘Because Lilly gave it to him,’ I answer my own question tonelessly, because there is no other explanation.
He knew her. But Lilly never talked about anyone he could have been. Only once did she make hints about a man she could never forget.
Is Jaden possibly Lilly’s first love? Or is there something else that connects the two of them? What role did he play in her life?
Too many questions and even more possible answers are whirling through my head.
Should I bring up this list with him? Would that change something between us? And if it would, wouldn’t it be all the more important to reveal the truth before I completely lose control over my feelings?
But hasn’t that already happened anyway? The way my heart calls out for him, the way happiness floods me when he’s with me, the way I can’t stop thinking about him, it’s already far too late, isn’t it?
I close my eyes.
Inhale.
Make the list disappear or confront Jaden with it?
Hold.
What should I do?
Exhale.
What?
Still undecided, I lift my eyelids—and see Jaden standing in the doorway, his gaze fixed on the bucket list in my hand as if it were a weapon capable of killing even superheroes.