Chapter 31 #2
I sniff, snot running down my nose, and tilt my head back, trying to catch my breath. Trying to hold it together.
Finally, I nod. “I promise… What do you need?”
He squeezes my hand. “You,” he says softly. “Just you.”
I stare into the bathroom mirror at Jensen’s parent’s house, my tear streaked face looking back at me. My period just came. If there’s one more thing this day needed, it was that—a final kick when I’m already down.
It’s late again. Disappointment and relief flood through me at the same time. We’ve been trying for nine months now, and I’m starting to wonder if something’s wrong with me. We agreed to give it a year. There’s no rush, but if I wasn’t pregnant by then, we’d look into it.
Every period’s met with the same frustration. But today, it’s different. The emotions are hitting harder because I don’t know what I’m feeling. I want this—we want this. But now there’s a fear tangled up in the sadness. A quiet voice poking at old memories of growing up with an alcoholic.
I won’t do that to my kids. We’ll have to put this on hold and use condoms for a while. Make sure Jensen can stay clean.
Stay clean. There’s a sentence I never thought I’d have to say about him.
My head falls to my hands, elbows on the countertop, as I try to keep my composure. My world has fallen apart in a matter of hours. I take few deep breaths, and pat cold water under my eyes, trying to cover up the fact that I’ve been in here for several minutes crying.
I wasn’t going to come tonight. I feel guilty as hell for leaving Jensen at home. Plus, I’m worried. He insisted, though—he didn’t want to raise red flags with his family, and he didn’t want me to sit there and watch him go through hell. He didn’t want me to see him like that.
Reluctantly, I agreed, but only if he promised to stay hydrated.
I took his vitals before I left and confiscated all the pills.
They’re in my car for now. I’ll drop them at a pharmacy tomorrow.
There’s no way in hell I’m doing it at work.
I don’t want anyone asking questions. This is Jensen’s reputation. I’d never risk that.
I worry he’ll give in, but he wasn’t well enough to even sit up earlier—let alone go looking for more pills. I doubt he’ll get out of bed while I’m gone.
My stomach knots at the thought. I shouldn’t have left him. He needs me. I need to get home to him, sooner rather than later.
I end up on the couch in the living room next to Kevin, where he and Matt are deep in discussion about the stock market. I tune them out, blinking rapidly, fighting the urge to cry.
Part of me never wants anyone to know about Jensen. But the other part of me wants to tell them all, just so I don’t have to keep holding it together. I’ve felt on the verge of tears all night.
I glance around at the family that’s become my own. Megan’s in the kitchen with her mom. Amber, Jeff, Cole, and Jensen’s dad are playing a game at the table.
Cole is Matt’s godson—his cousin’s kid. He visits a couple times a year over long weekends or when Cam, his dad, has to travel for work. Cole’s eight, and he and Matt are surprisingly close. It’s actually really sweet, watching them together.
Matt playing dad? Who would’ve thought.
“Have you talked to Jensen since you’ve been here, Al?” Matt’s gaze meets mine, and I nod—even though I texted Jensen thirty minutes ago and haven’t heard back. What if he’s not okay?
Matt cocks a brow. “Yeah? How’s he doing? Feeling any better?”
I muster a small smile. “Yeah. He said his migraine’s finally lifting.” Jensen has a history of migraines. He doesn’t get them often, but when he does, they’re bad—enough to make him nauseous, sometimes even throw up.
Kevin gets up, joining the next game at the table, leaving Matt and me alone on the couch.
“How’s the nightclub with Leo going?” I ask, desperate for a subject change, and genuinely curious.
Matt runs an exclusive, members-only nightclub here in New York. He took Leo there the last time he came to visit. Leo was impressed and loved the idea of bringing one to Chicago, so they partnered up last year ago.
“It’s going great. Leo’s easy to work with.”
“That’s awesome.” I try to sound excited for him, because I am. But my voice isn’t cooperating.
Matt’s eyes narrow, his expression thoughtful. “Is everything alright? You seem quiet. Quieter than usual.”
“Yeah. I’m good. Just tired. I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night.”
His lips press together, like he knows I’m lying.
I realize the irony—lying to cover for Jensen.
“You sure? You know you can talk to me, right? Even if it’s about Jensen.”
I scowl. “Why would I need to talk about Jensen?”
Matt shrugs, frowning. “I don’t know.” He pauses, his eyes scanning mine.
“He’s just been a little… uptight lately.
” His frown deepens. “I thought maybe if there was tension or something…” He trails off, rubbing the back of his neck like the conversation he started is suddenly making him uncomfortable.
“Anyway, I just mean—if you ever wanna talk, I’m here. ”
I sigh, a small smile tugging at my lips. It’s sweet. And of course Matt’s noticed. He knows Jensen almost as well as I do. They grew up together, went to the same college. They’ve basically lived in the same building their entire lives. They see each other nearly every day.
“I know,” I say softly. “I appreciate that. He has been a little uptight. Work’s been stressful, but we’re good. Things are good. Promise. Thanks for looking out for me.”
“You know I got your back, Al. I’d do anything for you guys.”
“I know. You’re probably the best thing that’s ever come into Jensen’s life.”
“Bullshit and you know it. You are. Maybe I’m second—but not even close.”
His comment hits me right in the feels, and I stand abruptly so I don’t burst into another wave of tears.
I take a breath. “Thanks, Matt. I’m gonna head home, spend the rest of the night with Jensen.”
Matt stands too, pulling me into a bear hug that reminds me of Michael. It’s tender and full of love—brotherly.
“Bye, Al…” He pauses. “Actually, mind if Cole and I hitch a ride with you? We took an Uber here. We were with Jordan earlier at the park and came straight from there.”
My brows shoot up. “You were with Jordan? Isn’t she still seeing Dr. Douchebag? What’s that about?”
He shrugs. “Yeah, but she loves seeing Cole when he’s in town, so we did lunch and then the park.”
“God, you two are basically married. Why don’t you just seal the deal already?”
Matt laughs, doing what he does best—brushing it off. “Ha. That’d be something, wouldn’t it?” Then he turns and calls out, “Cole! Time to go, buddy. Alley’s giving us a ride home.”
We all say our goodbyes, and as we head down the driveway, I toss my keys to Matt. “You drive?”
“Sure,” he says, unlocking the doors with the fob.
Cole climbs into the back, and I slide into the passenger seat. Turning around to make sure he’s buckled, I hand him a cookie. “I snuck an extra one just for you.” I give him a wink, and his smile stretches wide.
“Try not to get crumbs on the seat,” Matt chimes in.
My gaze flicks to Matt. “It’s fine. I don’t care.”
There’s an ache in my chest as I say it. A quiet, hollow feeling—like I’d take any child making a mess in my backseat, because right now, the possibility of having my own feels a lifetime away.
The whole apartment is dark when I get home. Not a single light’s turned on. That’s good. He must be sleeping.
Turning on the flashlight on my phone, I make my way down the hallway and slip into the bedroom as quietly as possible. Jensen’s still in bed. It looks like he’s asleep.
In the bathroom, I ready myself for bed, careful to open and close every drawer softly. Once I’m in my pajamas, I crawl into my side of the bed and assess him. I run my hand through his hair. It’s damp, but not wet, not like before.
He’s shirtless, breathing deeply—snoring, even.
Wow. He’s really out.
I watch him closely. Slow, steady breaths. I place my palm against his chest. It’s warm and dry, and his pulse feels steady. He’s relaxed. And I’m glad, I really am. I know he needs the rest, but…
He seems… comfortable. Too comfortable.
He was sweating earlier and having chills. His whole body hurt. He said the pain was unbearable. But now? He’s dry, snoring, and calm.
That doesn’t just happen. Not without help.
My heart skips a beat. Maybe he finally turned a corner. Maybe it’s nothing—but my gut won’t let it go. It feels too soon.
I fall to my side, head sinking into the pillow, facing Jensen. I think about waking him, but I don’t want to disturb the sleep he’s finally getting.
Maybe he took an edible. He’s got a stash of those. Sometimes he uses them to sleep. That would help. Yeah. That’s probably what he did.
But the furrow in my brow won’t ease, and my pulse starts to climb. There’s a tug in my chest—a longing for him to pull me close, to hold me, to make love to me. To make everything okay. For both of us.
My eyes trace the details of his face, and the love I feel for him is so strong it almost hurts. I wipe at my nose, catching the tear that slips down my cheek. He’s right here.
But I miss him.
God, I miss him.