Chapter 19
Chapter Nineteen
JENSEN
It’s been almost twenty-four hours since we kissed in the car. Since her lips met mine after she asked me to kiss her. Since I had to resist the temptation that is my wife.
Being an addict and being around the thing that used to fill the craving is hard. Detoxing, rehab, getting clean... it nearly breaks a person. The physical pain. The mental unraveling. It’s excruciating in so many ways.
But the thing with addiction now that I’m clean is—I rarely think about it. Yeah, I’ve wanted to drink a handful of times. I’ve wanted to take a painkiller—but I haven’t wanted Oxy. I haven’t wanted coke. Not since rehab.
But Alley? Jesus. She makes everything else feel easier.
I might not be in physical pain without her, but the ache?
It’s worse. Relentless. Never stops. Not getting another taste of those perfect fucking lips would haunt me for months.
The hunger I feel for her would never end.
My heart would never stop bleeding. Being without her could rip my fucking soul in two.
I can’t stop thinking about it all. The kiss. The way she looked at me afterward. The part where it looked like it killed her to stop as much as it did me. The way she had to catch her breath after I pulled back, but then said she wasn’t ready—like she remembered she wasn’t supposed to want that.
“What else do you need before we go?”
Alley’s voice pulls me from my thoughts. She shuffles around the hospital bed, handing Craig his water with one hand, a pile of trash from his tray in the other. She tosses it in the garbage by the door, then turns back just as her dad’s sitting up to set the jug back on the tray.
“Here, let me get that,” she says.
“Jesus Christ,” he mumbles. “I’m perfectly capable of putting my water back.”
“I know you are.”
I watch her with quiet awe. The way she moves—efficient, patient, gentle. She doesn’t even flinch at his tone. Just keeps taking care of him. That’s who she is. Always putting others first, even when they don’t make it easy. It’s one of the many things I love about her.
She’s going to be an incredible mother one day. I just hope I’m the one who gets to see it.
A sting burns in the back of my throat. We were trying to get pregnant a few years ago, right after we got married. Before I went and fucked everything up. Before I became someone she couldn’t trust.
We started using condoms after that, not that we were having much sex. My libido was shot to shit, and I was gone all the time—physically and emotionally.
God, I was such a dick.
Out of nowhere, a half-memory tumbles in. It scratches at the surface, faint.
Did she push me off her?
I think we were in the middle of doing it one night and she got mad.
Fuck. I can’t be sure. It’s blurry. Like my mind won’t let me go back there.
“Dad, stop. Just let me get it. You’re supposed to take it easy.”
Craig scowls. “How is me getting up for my book not taking it easy? I walk around these halls every damn day. I can get it myself. It’d be good for me.”
He’s stubborn, and I get it. Wanting to do things yourself. Needing to prove you’re capable.
“I’m sorry. You’re right. I can’t help myself. I don’t know how to be here and not work. To not do something.”
She carries so much guilt when it comes to her dad. Has for years. Even back when we first met, she pretended to be sure of her decision to shut him out, but I knew better. She’s always felt the weight of it.
I drop my gaze to the floor, trying to get a grip. Christ. These past few years have broken me open in ways I never expected. I used to be able to count on one hand the number of times I’d cried as an adult.
Now?
I’ve lost track.
“Well then, get out of here.” His face softens. “You’ve done enough, Alley girl. You’ve been here almost as much as I have. Go on. Enjoy your night.”
He may be stubborn, but he’s got a heart of gold and a soft spot for Alley.
“Alright, I’m leaving.”
My mind wanders back to the memory. Did she push me off? Did I do something?
It’s almost there. So close…
“Hey.” Her voice breaks through. “You ready?”
“Yep,” I say, catching a smile before she turns and makes her way to the couch. My eyes zero in on her ass as she bends to grab her coat and purse.
She’s wearing leggings. My favorite ones too. Her ass looks incredible in them.
Normally I’d make a dirty comment about how she’s gonna get it wearing those in front of me.
But tonight, I bite my tongue. Because she’s obviously not going to get it. And I don’t know when she will…
If she will.
She turns back around, and I clear my throat, shoving the desire down. Last thing I need is to get hard in front of her dad.
We say our goodbyes to Craig, and I open the door for her, following close behind. I reach for her hand as we make our way down the main hall.
She takes it in hers, lacing her fingers between mine.
Like before.
Her hands are cold, and all I can think about is warming them up—warming her up. Getting her hot.
Sweaty.
Jesus, what’s wrong with me? We barely left the room and now three seconds of contact and I’m thinking about sex again?
She gives my hand a squeeze. “Thanks for coming with me to visit Dad. Means a lot.”
I glance toward her. Dark brown eyes stare back at me, shining with gratitude and…
Is that hope? Desire?
Fuck. Does she want me right now, too?
Fucking.
Stop.
Dumbass.
“Of course. I like coming to visit your dad.” I nudge her shoulder gently. “Doesn’t hurt that I get to hang out with you.”
Her lips curl into a smile as we round the corner, approaching the meditation room—a room that’s dimly lit and quiet. No one ever goes in there.
No one ever goes in there.
My pulse picks up. I haven’t stopped thinking about our little make-out last night for one second. Had to rub one out when I got home—partly to avoid blue balls, but mostly because I wanted to.
The sudden urge to be alone with Alley spreads through me like wildfire. Anticipation climbs up my neck—impossible to ignore.
I glance at her, realizing she just said something and I have no idea what it was. She’s looking at me, eyes bright, smiling wide, that dimple peeking through.
I swallow the lump of nerves building in my throat, an unfamiliar feeling when it comes to anything sexual.
Fuck it.
I open the door to the meditation room and pull her in. It’s empty. Thank God.
“Jensen, what are you—”
The door clicks shut behind us, and I press her back against the wall. My lips are on hers before she can even finish the sentence.
Her mouth opens for me—hot, ready.
Fucking needy.
Jesus Christ. This woman.
Last night’s kiss was careful. This? This is desperate—for both of us. Like neither of us could wait another minute to finish what we started.
My hand cups the back of her neck, thumb trailing along her jaw. The other grips her hip, pulling her taut against my already hardening cock.
Her hands travel up my torso, across my chest, then around my neck. She gasps as my hand moves, sliding up to her tits. I swipe across one—testing the waters, waiting to see if she stops me.
She doesn’t.
Instead, she groans into my mouth and tugs at my neck, scraping her teeth along my bottom lip before sucking it in. A gentle reminder of what that mouth can do to my cock.
Holy shit. She’s pulling all her best moves here when it comes to making out.
She rolls her hips into my firm length and I let out a brazen, “Fuck.”
I palm her breast, then skim my thumb across her pointed nipple.
“Fuck, baby. No bra?”
Alley has little boobs, and I fucking love them. But I didn’t expect to find her braless. My dick immediately approves, pressing harder against my jeans.
She laughs softly in my ear as I press my mouth to her neck, sucking at her skin. My thumb and forefinger pinch at her nipple through her shirt, making it stiffen even more.
Her fingers dig into my shoulders. “Oh my God, Jensen.” Her voice is breathy, hot against my face.
My lips crush back into hers. I’m not thinking anymore. The craving I have for her consumes everything else.
But I can’t not think when it comes to Alley. I can’t push her into something she’s not ready for.
And what? Are we really going to fuck right here in the meditation room?
I don’t know where the plan went sideways. I just meant to steal a kiss. Remind her what we had last night—what we’ve always had. But now my cock is aching for her more than ever, and fuck, I’ve never wanted to rip her clothes off and thrust into her more than I do right now.
I bring both hands to her face, cupping her cheeks gently, and pour all that pent-up tension into a kiss.
Then, I force myself to slow down. To breathe. To stay in control.
Be the man she needs.
The man she deserves.
Her hands roam down my body, slipping toward the hem of my shirt.
I break the kiss and wrap my hands around hers, bringing them to my chest. I chuckle softly, low and deep. “I want to say I’m sorry,” I murmur, pressing a kiss to her pinkies, “but I’m not.”
She presses her lips together, trying to hide a smile, but her dimple gives her away. Her cheeks flush pink. God, I love when Alley blushes.
It’s cute as hell—and a total turn-on.
“You’ve always had a way of getting me to do things I’d normally never do.”
“You used to trust me.” I tilt her chin up, locking my eyes on hers. “I like to think there’s still a small part of you that does.”
Her gaze searches mine, and I freeze. Not sure why the hell I said that.
She most definitely doesn’t trust me anymore. I wouldn’t be here trying to earn it back if she did. We’d be in New York. She’d still have her job at the hospital. Shit, we might even have a kid.
I force the thoughts away. No point dwelling on what we don’t have when she’s standing right here.