Chapter 26
Chapter Twenty-Six
ALLEY
I take a bite of bacon and chew, giving Jensen a once-over, or maybe a twice-over. Honestly, I’ve lost count of how many times my eyes have wandered over his bare chest while we’ve been eating.
He’s across from me at Matt’s small kitchen table, wearing nothing but a pair of joggers. I’m in one of his T-shirts and the thong I was wearing when I came over.
We’d just had sex. Then took a shower where I gave him a blow job. And still, I couldn’t stop staring while he stood at the stove making bacon. His pants sat low on his hips, and that stupid, perfect V makes my mouth water. And then there’s the faint trail of hair leading down to—
I swallow the bite, washing it down with a sip from the latte I made on Matt’s Nespresso machine.
Jensen finishes chewing, then says, “So, I have something to ask you. And before I do, you should know, if you don’t say yes, Megan might actually kill me. Just a little FYI.”
“Wow, no pressure or anything.” I pop a berry into my mouth, smiling.
“What are you doing in three weeks? Thursday to Sunday?”
“I’d be working Thursday, but Friday to Sunday? Probably doing you. Why?”
His bacon crunches as he takes a bite. He leans forward, elbows on the table, chewing while his tongue swipes the corner of his lip before it curves into a smirk. “What makes you think I don’t have plans with someone else?”
“Hmm.” I narrow my eyes, pretending to think. “The fact that you just came down my throat three minutes after I took your cock in my mouth.”
He chuckles. “Alright, you win. But how about you do me in the Berkshires? We leave Thursday the twentieth. You know it’s expected I go.
But it’s a hard pass if you’re not coming, because I’m not giving up blow jobs for skiing.
And you know how much I love skiing.” He flashes that grin that’s impossible to refuse. “I’m hoping you’ll let me have both.”
“I work Thursdays. I’d have to see if someone can cover for me. It’s too late to request the time off, and I already took a lot of days while my dad was in the hospital.”
I’m not sure how I feel about this. Part of me wants to go.
I love the Berkshires, but I’m not sure I’m ready for something like that.
Not ready to dive back into family stuff so soon.
Not ready to get attached again. Because what if this goes south and I lose them all over again? It was hard enough the first time.
I love Jensen’s family. I miss them.
Well, most of them. I’m dreading the day I have to face his mom again.
I’d avoid her forever if I could, partly because I know I need to let go of the grudge I’ve been carrying for way too long.
And because I know we’ll have to talk, really talk, if we’re ever going to get past it. And that won’t be a fun conversation.
Jensen’s doing it, though—having all the hard conversations. Making amends. Apologizing. Righting his wrongs. It’s humbling, removing the ego and admitting your faults. It’s hard.
And it sucks.
Christy wasn’t the only one in the wrong. I was too. Not for my blow-up, I think that was understandable. Justified, even. But for everything since. Every time she’s tried to make amends, I’ve shut her out. I haven’t been forgiving. I won’t let it go.
And that’s wrong of me. We all made mistakes. We all have regrets. We were all just trying to stay afloat, doing what we thought was best for Jensen and for ourselves in that moment. Each of us with our own reality. Our own perception.
There’s no manual for addiction. Sure, there are tools—Al-Anon, group therapy, the dos and don’ts.
Do give tough love.
Don’t enable.
Do let them fall so they can choose to get back up.
Don’t pick them up every time.
The problem is, most of us don’t follow the rules. Especially when it’s someone we love. We give second chances wrapped in hope. We call it love. We call it grace. But really? It’s fear. The fear of losing them. The fear of letting go.
His gaze is on me, hopeful, waiting patiently for me to answer. This means so much to him. I know it does. He’s trying so damn hard, making every effort to make up for the past. He’s been practically perfect. Everything I could ever want, and everything I’ve hoped for.
I let out a small sigh. I did tell him I wanted to try. That I was all in. “Let me ask around about Thursday. But either way, I’ll come Friday to Sunday. Maybe fly in Thursday night.”
He exhales, lips curving into that sexy grin that always gets me. Warmth shoots through me, the kind that swells in your chest when you stumble across an old photo you forgot you had. I love seeing him happy. Love giving him this win.
“Thanks, babe. Means a lot to me. And it’s a relief. Megan’s been on my ass. You know how she gets.”
I laugh. “I can only imagine.”
“You have no idea,” he murmurs, shaking his head.
We eat in comfortable silence for the next few minutes, until Jensen looks up again. “I have another question.”
“Shoot.”
“Will you come to New York next weekend? It’s Super Bowl. I’ll get your plane ticket. Actually…” He pauses, eyes steady on mine. “I really want you to just start using the joint account again.”
He sets down his fork. “Let me take care of you, babe. Come back home.”
Shit. My heart flutters, picking up speed, nerves rising in my throat. Why is my body reacting like this?
Memories flash—our apartment. Jensen. Me. Panic. Fear. Loss.
“I’m not sure I’m ready for that,” I say slowly, feeling the resistance in my chest.
He nods, disappointment flickering before he forces a small smile. “That’s okay. Thought it was worth asking.”
Dammit. As good as it felt to make him happy moments ago, it feels just as awful to be the one taking it away.
He loves the Super Bowl. It’s a whole thing every year with Matt, sometimes the rest of his family, too. We could watch it in Chicago, and I know he’d do that for me. But I don’t want him to sacrifice more than he already is. Maybe I can find a way to make it work.
“What if I stayed at a hotel? Or I could maybe even fly in for the day, arrive in the morning, leave that night? It’s not a long flight.”
His brows pull together. “You don’t want to be in our home?”
The way he says it—God, I can’t even describe what it does to me. I watch the moment he connects the apartment to my fears, and it breaks me open. My heart actually hurts.
“Um…” He shakes his head, like he can will away the truth, then forces another smile. “I’ll take whatever I can get. We’ll figure it out. Whatever’s best for you.”
“The doctor who does surgeries on Mondays has tickets to the game, so I actually have that day off. We can look at flights today,” I offer.
His whole face changes, satisfaction replacing the defeat. It eases the tightness in my chest a little. “Let’s book both flights. God, Megan’s gonna be stoked. Want me to add you to the group chat?”
“Sure.” I do miss an Adams sibling group chat. They’ve always had two: one with Amber and me, and one with the guys and Megan. And I’m either all in or I’m not. I can’t half-ass this. Even if I’m not entirely ready, I have to keep moving forward. Face my fears.
We finish eating and cleaning the kitchen… and somehow end up exhausted and naked on the couch again.
Jensen never put a shirt on. And he wouldn’t stop touching me while I did the dishes.
He stood behind me, kissing my neck and shoulders, his hands trailing everywhere.
I almost turned around and let him have me right there, but I hate leaving a mess.
So instead, I pressed my ass back into him, moaning softly when his hands slipped into my underwear.
Let him tease and work me into absolute oblivion while whispering sweet and dirty things in my ear.
It took twice as long to get through the dishes, and I even sprayed him a few times with the water just so I could focus.
He’s distracting. So damn distracting.
And now here we are, cuddling on the couch. Matt’s couch. Yikes. I didn’t think about that… and now I can’t help but wonder how many other naked girls have been here. I shove the thought away. Gross.
Jensen’s fingers trace lazy circles along my stomach, his arms wrapped snugly around me. I sink back into him, letting my arms fold over his. God. Twice in one day and it’s not even lunchtime. Add in the second round of late-night shenanigans that went well into the early morning, and… yeah.
This could definitely become a problem.
I sit up carefully, not wanting to wake Jensen. We crashed on the couch, and when I grab my phone, I see we’ve been out for—an hour and a half? Holy shit. I rarely nap, and when I do, they’re usually short.
A text from Leo pops up.
Leo
I’m taking Viv out tonight. Don’t know your plans, but wanted you to know we hired a sitter. Just in case you were planning to be here.
Ok, thanks for the heads up. I’ll probably stay at Matt’s with Jensen. Glad you guys get a night out! Also… I need a therapy session.
Leo
That’s great. Are you going to call my friend I referred you to and make an appt?
Lol. No. I just mean I need you to carve out some time for me to chat. Ha.
Leo
WHEN are you going to get yourself a therapist?! I should refuse to talk to you. Force your hand.
Blah, blah. But you’re the best therapist I’ve ever had. Why would I go anywhere else?
Leo
I’m not your bloody therapist. I’m your friend.
More like a brother… therefore, better than a therapist because you love me and won’t let me make stupid decisions.
With that in mind... Jensen invited me out to New York next weekend and it gave me so much anxiety thinking about going home—back to our apartment. Why did it do that? Should I go? I was thinking maybe I’d get a hotel…
Leo
Christ, Alley. Seriously. Make a damn appt.
It makes sense, though. That’s where most of the trauma was, yeah? All your worst memories. Even if you have good ones there too. The trauma can overpower the good unless you process it and work through it. Which is why you NEED to get yourself a BLOODY THERAPIST.
I laugh softly. I love pushing his buttons.
Leo
Not to mention couples therapy. You could use someone helping both of you while you navigate this.
I frown, mulling it over. He’s probably right. I know I need my own too. I’m just not there yet.
Fine. You’re probably right with that one. Got any recs for a couples therapist?
He shoots over a contact, and I save it in my phone before searching for Zach’s name.
I snap a selfie of sleeping Jensen and me, careful not to expose any body parts, and send it to him.
He and Joey have been in Jamaica for the past two weeks, and he made me promise him updates.
He’s been way easier to share this stuff with than Scarlett.
Probably because Joey has a pretty colorful past, and hearing his stories makes him more open to believing people can change.
Pretty sure I haven’t gotten anything done this weekend… well, except for Jensen. Lol.
I stand, step into my underwear, and pull Jensen’s tee back over my head before heading into the kitchen for a drink. I grab a glass from the cupboard and fill it with filtered osmosis water.
My phone buzzes.
Zach
HELL YES, BOO! GET IT!!!
Balloons float up my screen and pop, and my grin stretches a mile wide.