Chapter 31
Chapter Thirty-One
JENSEN
It’s been one week since Alley’s panic attack. One week since trust was tested. One week since we passed the test.
This couch is deep enough to swallow me whole, but I’m still tense. I’m in Chicago this weekend… at couples therapy. Sophie, our new therapist, has been great so far. I like her. She reminds me a lot of Nina and came highly recommended by Leo. I guess they used to work together.
We’re at her house, in her home office. It’s cozy and comfortable, way better than the therapy rooms in rehab. Not that those weren’t fine. It just feels different. Less clinical. More personal.
I shift in my seat, trying to settle my nerves.
“So… I don’t know, I guess I just want to be able to be there for her.
I want her to trust me. Get back to where we used to be.
” I lean back, eyes flicking to the clock on the wall before returning to Sophie.
“Things have been pretty good, all things considered. But I know we’ve got a long way to go.
And I worry every day I’m gonna fuck it up, or that she’ll suddenly decide she doesn’t want this.
” I scrub a hand over my mouth. “I feel like I’m constantly looking over my shoulder, praying my past doesn’t catch up, or that she doesn’t give up on me. ”
I blow out a breath, and Sophie offers a small smile. “Thank you for sharing all that, Jensen. And about your addiction. It’s hard to be vulnerable and admit our faults and fears.”
Sophie turns her attention to Alley. “Alley, why don’t you tell me what your goals are and what brought you in?”
She hesitates. This is hard for her. I know it is.
She opens up to people she’s close to—me, Leo, Scarlett, Matt—but it takes a long time to earn her trust. It’s one of her greatest strengths and her biggest downfalls.
Once you’re in her circle, though, she’s loyal as hell.
But getting there? That’s another story.
She’s always hated therapy. She told me that in the first month we were dating, when she opened up about her dad.
I guess she had a therapist once who made her feel like shit.
I went with it. I’d never done therapy myself, so I had nothing to compare it to.
I just knew I wasn’t interested. And the way she talked about it made me dread it even more when I ended up in rehab.
But it got easier, and finding the right therapist matters. It has to be a good fit. I got lucky. Nina and Tobias were great, even though I was reluctant to open up at first. But now? I’m here for it. I’m all in.
Here for her. For me. For us.
I just hope Sophie can crack through the fortress she’s built. For some reason, Leo’s the only one who gets a pass, and even then, it doesn’t always last.
She finally speaks, her voice quiet, eyes on the rug in front of her.
“I guess I don’t really know what I’m doing.
I’m here, and I obviously want to make this work, but…
I don’t know if I can really move forward until we deal with what happened.
But I don’t want to deal with it because it feels like too much.
” A smile ghosts her lips, but it’s gone in a heartbeat. “But I’m trying.”
Sophie’s voice stays soft and calm. “Okay. Thank you for your honesty. That’s a great start.
Being here is a big step for you both. Just to be clear, Alley, when you say you don’t want to deal with what happened because it feels like too much, are there specific moments that come to mind?
Or a certain timeframe? Or do you mean your entire marriage to Jensen? ”
Please don’t say the entire marriage. Jesus. I don’t know if I could handle that.
I glance at Al. She’s chewing on her bottom lip now. She’s so uncomfortable. She was a nervous wreck the entire drive here, jittery and wound tight, nervous energy ping-ponging in the car.
“I guess there are certain moments that come to mind.” Her eyes flick to mine, then drop to her hands, where she fidgets with her fingers in her lap.
“Are you comfortable sharing one of those moments?” Sophie asks gently.
“Not really.”
Jesus. It’s like trying to peel off wallpaper with your fingernails.
“Why not?”
Alley takes a deep breath, shoulders rising and falling with the exhale.
She picks at her fingernail, then, like she suddenly notices, covers her hand with the other and grips it tight. Her gaze locks on Sophie’s. “There’s a lot of reasons why.”
Sophie nods, encouraging her to continue.
“One, I don’t want to relive it. Two, I don’t want to make Jensen feel bad or cause him to regress. And three…”
She trails off. My eyes shift to her profile. Her cheeks flush, and her eyes fill with moisture. She’s trying so damn hard to keep it together.
“It’s okay. You can say it.” Sophie gestures toward me. “Jensen, you’re okay with Alley being honest here?”
I nod. “Yeah. For sure.”
“Alright. Alley, this is a safe space. You can say whatever you’re thinking or feeling.”
Alley nods, swallowing hard. “Okay.” Another pause.
“It makes me really angry when I think about these things. Really angry. At Jensen. And there’s a part of me that hates him for everything he put me through.
For making life so hard, when it just didn’t need to be.
” She glances at me, eyes glassy. “For messing everything up.” Her voice cracks.
“For destroying our trust.” She pauses to sniff.
“But the thing that makes me the most mad…”
Her voice falters again, and I swear I can hear her heart pounding. My chest locks up, bracing myself for whatever she’s about to say.
“…is that he doesn’t even know. He doesn’t even know how bad it was because he was so messed up. He doesn’t remember. He gets to move on and live life with no recollection of half the shit he did.”
Whoa. Ho-ly shit. I did not expect her to say anything in the realm of this, and at the same time it makes so much sense.
Her reluctance to talk about anything. Her avoidance when I bring up the past. The way she hides her anger.
It’s like anything that would make her mad gets shoved aside so she can put on a brave front.
Best face forward. I appreciate her willingness and need to be positive, but it’s almost been hindering us. God, this is huge.
Sophie glances at me, then back to Alley. “So, what I’m hearing is that one of the hardest parts for you, Alley, is knowing Jensen doesn’t remember a lot of what happened. And that feels unfair.”
Alley nods, a soft “Yeah,” following.
Meanwhile, I feel like I just took a punch to the face.
Sophie’s gaze turns to me again. “Jensen, it looks like you might have some thoughts about this. Do you mind sharing what you’re thinking after hearing that?”
My mouth opens, then closes. I don’t know where to start. I look at Alley, but she won’t meet my eyes. “I do know that,” I say finally, my voice rough. “And I know it’s unfair. God, it kills me.” I press my fingers to my forehead, rubbing. “But I promise you, I know exactly how bad I fucked up.”
I run a hand over my face. “I try to make it right. Every day. I’m trying to be better.
To show you I’ve changed. And I swear to God, every week, I remember something new.
Some moment I hadn’t thought about. Some awful thing I said.
Some night I locked the door. Some time you cried and I didn’t even notice.
” My throat tightens as my gaze shifts to Alley.
“God. The night I let you walk out the door because I was too concerned about my stash? My fucking backpack? Jesus. I was so messed up.”
Sophie leans forward slightly. “I can hear how much that still weighs on you, Jensen.”
Alley shifts in her seat, arms crossing over her chest. Her eyes flick to me briefly before darting away again. They’re red and wet, and I wish I could go back in time. Take it all back. Choose differently. Erase the hurt I caused her.
My lips tremble. “And every time a memory hits, it fucks with me in the worst way. Because you lived it. And I just… forgot. Or numbed it. Or wasn’t coherent enough to realize the shit I was doing.
And I hate that, Al. I hate that you remember everything.
That it haunts you. But it haunts me too, just in a different way. ”
I suck in a long breath. “Like last weekend? When I found you in the closet?” Fuck.
My eyes sting just thinking about it, but I keep them on her, the image burned into my head.
“Words can’t describe what I felt in that moment, watching you.
Jesus Christ. The fear in your eyes. The way you were…
It’s like you were scared of me.” I shake my head, trying to regain an ounce of control.
“I can’t imagine what you were feeling in that moment.
But you’ll never know what it feels like to be the one who put it there.
To be the one you don’t trust. The one who broke it all.
” I rake a hand through my hair, gripping it at the back.
My voice catches. “God, I love you so much, and I broke you. That light that used to shine in your eyes—I dimmed it. I sucked the joy out of life. Out of everything. And I’m so sorry. I’m so fucking sorry, babe.”
Her hand reaches for mine. She holds my hand. Yeah. She’s that fucking great.
How I have her in my life, I’ll never understand. I know I don’t deserve her. She’s so good. So pure. Deserves the very best. Better than me. But I’m too selfish to let her go.
This whole time she’s been carrying all of it alone.
The anger. The grief. The fear. I told myself we were okay, that we were making progress, but she was just trying to survive and holding it all in.
She didn’t trust me with the truth because I hadn’t earned it.
She’s been protecting me and my feelings. And I didn’t even know it.
The room is quiet now. Just the faint hum of the white noise machine and the sound of us sniffling. Sophie’s eyes move between us, like she’s taking a mental inventory of what just happened.
“Okay,” she says softly. Her voice is so soothing, so grounding.
It almost makes me forget the last five minutes of me unraveling and confessing shit I’ve never said out loud to anyone but Nina.
“Thank you, Jensen. That was really honest, and really important. Alley, is there anything you’d like to say in response? No pressure. Only if you want to.”
Alley finally turns to me, her hand tightening around mine. She blinks a few times before meeting my eyes. And fuck… in that moment, it’s all there. The history. The pain. The part of her that still loves me, even when she probably wishes she didn’t.
I hold her gaze, humbled, imperfect, and so goddamn devoted to her.
“Thank you,” she says, her voice raw. “For being here. For owning your shit.” Her chin quivers and her shoulders shake as she inhales. “For fighting for me.”
My chest constricts, that overwhelming need for her hitting so hard I don’t even care that we’re in therapy. I cup the back of her head and pull her in, kissing her with renewed conviction. Claiming her all over again. “I love you,” I murmur against her salted lips.
When I sit back, Sophie’s smiling. “This is good. You both showed up today. You were honest, you listened, and you let each other see what’s underneath the surface.
That’s big. For next time, I’d like you each to think about one moment from what came up today that you want to go deeper into.
And between now and then… try talking about one hard thing.
Not all of them, just one. Be vulnerable and honest.”
She clicks through her calendar, setting us up for a Zoom session next weekend.
Alley doesn’t smile. Doesn’t say much. But she looks lighter. Happier. A little more at peace.
I feel hopeful. Like maybe we really can get through anything. Jesus, look at us. We’ve been to hell and back, walked through fire, and we’re still standing. We’re not done. Not even close. And every time we face something this hard, we come out the other side a little stronger.
I don’t know about Alley, but for me? I love her more now than I ever have in my life.