Chapter 21 #2
He was so surprised that he needed a moment to form a reply. He could see Elizabeth was a little lost and uncomfortable, but the notion that she asked his advice in selecting the place she would stay for several months raised a strange feeling inside him.
“I suggest the room towards the front. From the balcony, there is a beautiful view of the lake. I believe you will enjoy it.”
Her eyes held his only an instant.
“I am sure I will; my decision is made. I thank you for your help.”
He bowed then stepped away, entering his apartment while Elizabeth entered her chamber, followed by Georgiana. She wondered what his room was like and despised herself for such thoughts while Georgiana continued to speak.
“Lizzy, this is a lovely room, and the view is truly beautiful. Let me show you: here is another small chamber for bathing, here is your dressing table, and here is the armoire. Your luggage will be brought immediately, and a maid will be at your service all the time. And if you need anything else just let us know…”
Elizabeth held the girl’s hands tightly and smiled at her.
“Dearest Georgiana, please calm yourself. Everything is perfect; I need nothing else. I am just glad to be here.”
“So am I,” Georgiana answered with a thrill. “Very glad indeed.”
“And since you ask: I would be grateful if I could write a letter to Jane, just to let her know we arrived safely.”
“Of course; everything you need must be here,” Georgiana answered, pleased that she could address her friend’s wish. She opened the drawer of a small desk in the corner of the room by the window, revealing paper, pens, and ink.
“Everything we need is always available in these rooms in the family wing,” Georgiana explained. “William requires that.”
“Mr. Darcy seems to take care of everything,” Elizabeth said with a smile.
“He does; I believe he must since there are so many responsibilities on his shoulders: several proprieties, the tenants, the staff, and me…when I am doing silly things. Sometimes I wonder how he can handle everything.”
The conversation was becoming emotional when a fortunate knock on the door interrupted it. Mrs. Reynolds entered, leading a young maid and several servants who carried Elizabeth’s belongings and two pots of hot water.
“Miss Bennet, this is Sarah; she will be your maid during your stay here. Of course, for anything else you might need, you may ask any of the staff.”
“Thank you, Mrs. Reynolds.”
“Mr. Darcy said dinner should be ready in an hour if that is convenient for you.”
“Very much so. I only need to change and refresh myself a little.”
“Lizzy, I am leaving now, but I will come to take you downstairs shortly.”
“Very well, my dear; I will wait for you.”
The next half hour flew with an efficiency that amused and impressed Elizabeth.
Sarah helped her wash and change her gown then arranged her hair.
Another two maids entered to put her clothes away, throw another log on the fire, and take out the used water while Elizabeth glanced from one to the other in silence.
She even had a few minutes to quickly write to Jane. She felt tired and unsettled, and her thoughts were too affected for a longer letter, but she knew her family would be eager to receive news from her.
Georgiana retrieved her right on time. Before entering the dining room, the girl took her on a quick tour to show Elizabeth the music room then stopped in front of a massive wooden door.
“Here is the library; let us see if my brother and cousin are still here.”
She struggled to push open the door and revealed to Elizabeth’s eyes a place whose grandeur astounded her. It was significantly larger than the library in Darcy’s townhouse, and three of the walls were lined with ceiling high wooden shelves completely filled with books.
Elizabeth stepped inside, mesmerised, and glanced around.
“Good —you are here. Dinner must be ready.”
Darcy’s voice startled her; only then did she observe the two gentlemen resting on a couch, holding their drinks.
“This is magnificent,” Elizabeth whispered.
“I am glad you approve of it,” Darcy replied. “Approve of it? I am truly amazed.”
“William, Lizzy wrote a letter for Mrs. Bingley; how can we have it delivered? They must be eager to have news of our arrival.”
“I wrote a few words to Mr. Bennet too,” Darcy answered his sister. “They will both be sent express tonight.”
“Thank you, sir,” Elizabeth replied, handing Darcy the letter.
She hesitated a moment then continued, trying to hide a smile. “I know this is ridiculous, but may I add two lines for my father? About the library…”
Darcy laughed, surprised by the request.
“Of course. Please sit here at the desk,” he offered, helping Elizabeth to his armchair.
She hesitantly followed his lead, and a strange feeling enveloped her knowing that place was usually his.
He offered her pen and ink and talked with his sister and cousin while Elizabeth finished the letter and sealed it.
A few minutes later, the small group walked towards the dining room. The colonel offered his arm to both Elizabeth and Georgiana, and Darcy went to retrieve the countess.
Dinner arrangements were elegant but informal. There were no fixed places, and Elizabeth sat by Georgiana, facing the colonel.
She was not completely at ease, and she could see that Darcy was not perfectly composed either. They glanced at each other from time to time, but mostly the conversation was carried by Colonel Fitzwilliam and Lady Hardwick.
Georgiana was also more animated than usual while Elizabeth found little to say.
“Miss Bennet, is the room to your liking?” Darcy eventually asked her.
She raised her eyes to him. “Yes, thank you. Very much so.”
The discussion next moved to the colonel’s departure next morning and his return next week, then to the weather, and continued in the same manner until dinner ended.
All three ladies preferred to retire immediately afterwards, allowing the gentlemen to enjoy their drinks and amuse themselves.
The countess returned to her room, joined by Didi; Elizabeth and Georgiana spent another hour together, talking and petting the much spoiled Mist.
It was rather late when fatigue overcame Georgiana, and Elizabeth finally was alone in her room.
But in the solitude and silence, Elizabeth’s distress returned.
She opened the window widely, allowing the cold breeze to chill her.
He was right —the view was splendid, and she would see it every morning for the next several months.
Elizabeth knew she should be tired, more than she felt. Her restlessness was such that sleep was impossible, but she changed into her nightgown, loosened her hair, and lay in bed, looking around the room. She knew her presence in the family wing was likely a privilege rarely offered to guests.
The beauty around her was still new and overwhelming.
And on top of everything, a thought spun in her head: of this place, I might have been the mistress! With these rooms, I might now have been familiarly acquainted! Instead of staying here as a guest, I might have occupied the mistress’s apartment.
The mere notion of her being the mistress —his wife —spread cold shivers inside her for reasons she refused to analyse closely.
Seeing for herself what Pemberley meant —his desire to marry her, his decision to choose her as his partner for life in everything he was and everything he owned —increased its importance and weight tenfold.
It was not about wealth; it was not about the pin money, balls, parties, or connections.
It was about the responsibilities attached to that life and about his belief that she was worthy and capable of accomplishing them.
In April, her opinion of him was such that not even the King himself could have persuaded her to change her mind. Neither Pemberley nor all of Derbyshire would have convinced her to marry him. And the manner in which he now addressed her made everything worse. Painfully worse.
As she had come to know him better these last months and to discover and accept his qualities together with his faults, the consequences of her refusal burdened her.
And the admission that she had grown more partial to him and drawn to him —as he became more polite and friendly but more indifferent and distant —shattered her soul and filled it with bitterness.
Yet, she had no choice but to become accustomed to the present situation and dared not consider whether she would have liked it to be different.
She rose from the bed and wrapped herself tightly in her robe, placed a chair on the balcony, and sat down to admire the stars and the full moon shining over Pemberley. The wind played with her hair, and she closed her eyes, imagining it was a tender caress.
She briefly wondered which side of the house his windows faced then banished the thought when another one intruded: Georgiana’s worry about his potential future wife.
It would be expected for him to find someone else soon to fill the mistress’s apartment.
Lady Emmeline was surely ready and eager to occupy that place by his side, along with many others.
It was only natural, and it was surely not her business since she had refused his proposal.
The wind intensified, and she wrapped her arms around herself, entranced by the sparkle of the water reflecting the moon.
Her attention was suddenly drawn by the sound of a horse. Through the trees, she spotted a horseman —whose identity was no mystery —and his stallion racing past the lake like a hasty, dark chimera breaking through the night.
Her heart tightened and ached because she felt as though he were running away from her and from her hopes —hopes that she had not known to exist until that very night, her first night spent at Pemberley.