Chapter 22 #2
During the day, she spent all her time with Georgiana and Lady Hardwick. Her ladyship was now also calling her “Lizzy,” as the familiarity between them grew and deepened.
They visited Lambton almost daily, and Elizabeth soon became as well known in the small village as was Miss Darcy herself. And Sunday’s service at church gave Elizabeth the chance to meet Pemberley’s tenants.
Mr. Darcy was almost never with them, and Elizabeth felt he avoided her on purpose. He did not want to be in her company except during breakfast or dinner.
However, she felt he was as careful and protective of her as he was with his sister. Not once did Elizabeth feel an outsider or unvalued or disrespected.
An exception to their distant interactions occurred in the library.
Occasionally, it happened that Elizabeth entered the room to choose a book, and he always helped her to pick the one she liked from a higher shelf or recommended something she had not discovered herself from the impressive collection.
But they never spent time alone, not even reading at the same time in the same chamber.
Elizabeth carried on a regular correspondence with Jane —whose happiness beamed through her letters —and with her father.
She wrote them every other day, sharing from afar everything she lived, learned, and discovered. To Mrs. Gardiner, Elizabeth sent her admiration of Pemberley and approval of Lambton together with news and greetings from friends and relatives.
Almost a month into her visit, a rainy day kept Elizabeth and Georgiana in the latter’s room. Georgiana’s spirits seemed lower than Elizabeth had seen in a long while, and nothing appeared to amuse her —not even Mist and Didi chasing each other.
“My dear, is anything wrong? You look preoccupied and a little sad, or I am wrong?”
“You are not wrong…you know me too well. It is just that…Lizzy, you have been with us for a month now. Do you believe that William is upset with me —that he avoids my company?”
The question took Elizabeth completely by surprise, and the pain in the girl’s voice cut her heart. She searched for a response carefully and cleared her throat.
“What do you mean, dearest?”
“Have you not seen how little time he spends with me? I mean that, except for riding a few times together, we only meet at the beginning and the end of the day. I know there must be something wrong.”
“But…is this unexpected? Was it different before?”
“Oh yes…until last summer…we were together much of the time…until I disappointed him so deeply with my attempt to elope. I believe his generosity made him forgive me, but I fear he will never forget…and therefore he cannot bear to be in my presence for too long…”
“My dear, I cannot believe this to be true! It is nonsense —as your aunt used to say.” She attempted a joke as she embraced the girl tightly and caressed her hair.
“It is true, dear Lizzy, I know it…I feel it. And I do not know what to do to change things. My reckless actions troubled my brother so much…I understand why. He tried to raise me, he offered me everything…I was such a disappointment…”
“Georgiana, never say that again! How can you not see the obvious? How can you not feel how much your brother loves you?”
“I do know he loves me, Lizzy. I just wish him to be proud of me…or at least content…to wish to be with me…”
“Dearest, I have heard him declare many times that your happiness is the most important thing to him…that he would do anything to see you happy…”
Georgiana looked at her with heavy, tearful blue eyes. “Of that, I have no doubt. I just hoped that my presence would give him as much happiness as his presence gives me…”
“But have you considered that I —not you —might be the reason for Mr. Darcy’s avoiding us?
You know our acquaintance was always…rather challenging.
Neither of us is comfortable in the other’s presence.
We have argued so many times in the past that we still find it difficult to be at peace in each other’s company.
I came to Pemberley for you, and he surely accepts my presence here for your benefit because he knows it makes you happy.
He would do anything for your happiness —even accept someone with whom he is uncomfortable.
So it is little wonder that he has no wish to see me.
It surely has nothing to do with you, dearest.”
“Perhaps…I know you and he are not good friends although I cannot possibly imagine why…but…his preference for my absence started long before your arrival here. It started in the winter, and it became unbearable in the spring. If I could only dare tell you…”
“What are you saying, my darling? Tell me what?”
“Forgive me, I should not have said anything. It was selfish of me to burden you with my foolishness. Shall we go downstairs and play some music?”
“Georgiana, we will go nowhere until you explain to me. I must know what troubles you so I can help you. I beg you…”
“It is not I who needs help, but my brother. I thought things would be better as time went by. Last autumn, after he wrote to George Wickham…everything seemed fine. William wrote to me every day from Netherfield…I was living with Mrs. Annesley —she was so kind to me —but then William returned from Hertfordshire, and I noticed he was more preoccupied, more silent than usual. And then he visited Aunt Catherine…with Richard. When he returned, he was another man. I did not see him smile for months…he was so troubled…he used to lock himself in the library. I rarely saw him the entire day…he barely spoke to me. He never walked with me or joined me at the theatre or opera or anywhere. He listened to my music absently… looking at me without seeing me. I knew he was still pained…still disappointed in me…that things would never be the same. I wondered what would happen if anyone ever discovered my attempt…how this secret, if revealed, would harm my brother…and my family name…and…I wanted to forget. I found some…there was…in one of the guest’s rooms…
I took some opium. I do not know what was in my mind…
I thought of nothing…I just wished to forget for a while… ”
Her confession struck Elizabeth like lightning.
As much as she fought to deny the obvious and to believe she had misunderstood what she heard, the truth became grievously clear with every word.
Her entire body felt trapped in a block of ice; her chest was caged, and she ceased breathing, wondering what she could say —how she could take Georgiana’s burden on her shoulders.
Because the burden was hers. And his. The girl’s distress and the turmoil that had tortured her for many months were not even related to her, and Elizabeth knew it.
Georgiana said her brother’s state worsened when he returned from Rosings… “In vain I have struggled…”
She finally began to see the complete picture of the effects of that day in Kent. Just as weeks before when her family struggled during those desperate days and she considered the consequences to her parents and sisters of her refusal, she now saw the despair and sorrow in Georgiana’s sad eyes.
Elizabeth was devastated by self-reproach and guilt.
She never imagined that his pride, her prejudice, and their equally bad tempers could have such a devastating influence on someone completely innocent.
She felt Georgiana trembling in her arms; the girl was not even crying —only lost in a deep silence.
“My dear Georgiana, I would not dare to say I understand your sorrow… but not for one moment can I believe that your brother is upset with you or avoids your presence. I strongly believe that, whatever might have troubled him, it is in no way related to you. Have you asked him about this?”
“I have…in a way. He always tries to make me feel better… says he is fine… nothing is wrong. But something must be wrong. I feel he is keeping his true feelings from me…things that trouble him. He still believes me a child…”
“My dear, he will always do so. You will always be his younger sister; that can never change. But if he assures you that you have no reason for concern, why do you not trust him?”
“Because he wishes to protect me…”
“Of course he does, but you cannot continue to torment yourself in this way. You must speak of all these things to him. I am certain he is equally worried about you…about your restraint towards him. You must tell him what you feel, and perhaps you will see that your distress is unfounded. Since you do not doubt your brother’s affection, you cannot refuse him your trust, even more so as he has never disappointed you. Has he?”
“No, never. You are right of course, Lizzy. Perhaps I will do just that. Perhaps I should speak to him. But I am afraid I might sadden him even more…”
“Nothing could sadden him more than his sister’s sorrow. I have no doubt that he would rather bear any pain of his own than witness yours. You must speak to him.”
“I will try. Let us see how things go in the next few days…then I will talk to him…”
“Very well, as you wish…”
“Now, if you do not mind, I would like to rest for a while. It is still raining,” Georgiana said and lay back on the pillows.
Elizabeth caressed her hair and pulled the bedclothes around her.
“I believe that is an excellent idea…and I will bring a book and read near you just here by the window. I will take care of Didi and Mist, who seem to be in no mood for sleep.”
Georgiana held her hand. “Lizzy, I am not a silly child, you know. I know you wish to stay here because you are worried for me. I am fine, I promise you.”
Elizabeth smiled.
“I know you are not a silly child, and I cannot deny that I shall stay here because I am worried about you. We always watched each other at Longbourn when one of us was unwell. I did that with my sisters, and I will do so with you. Nothing you say will change my mind.”
Georgiana returned the smile. “Very well, I dare not argue with a guest. Do as you wish.”