Five
The following night I decided to take my friend Tony up on his drinking and dancing offer.
Nothing else was working. I still felt like I was in a dream, like I was outside my body, watching.
It made sense that, maybe, if I went to bed with someone, I would have to actually be engaged, and if I were, maybe I would be me again.
It was a theory that I tried to explain to Tony.
He had no idea what I was talking about, but he was a good sport about listening, and that in and of itself was amazing, since his attention span was practically nonexistent. He even mostly maintained eye contact.
It became immediately evident that dancing was not a good idea.
I didn’t want to be groped or mauled or grabbed.
I wasn’t in the mood to be slammed up against a wall in the bathroom.
Drinking, on the other hand, had real possibilities.
So while my friends danced like spawning fish, I sat at the bar and drank.
I watched them gyrating and twisting, bumping and grinding, and whenever they called out to me, I waved and smiled.
Whenever a guy sent me a drink, I sent it back.
Every time I was leaned into, I shoved whoever it was off me.
I elbowed one guy in the ribs because he wouldn’t take no for an answer.
But after a few hours of drinking, the alcohol finally did the trick and unwound me.
Feeling good at last, I slipped through the crowd to join my friends on the dance floor.
I saw that more people I knew had joined them, including my friend Ben.
I could always count on him to be funny and upbeat.
As usual, as soon as Ben saw me, he was across the floor really fast. His hands were all over me as he grabbed me and hugged me tight.
“Jory…I missed you.”
I smiled at him as he stepped back and looked at me.
“Let’s get this off,” he said, stripping me out of my T-shirt, pulling it up over my head.
I grabbed it back from him, tucking one end into my pocket before I stepped in close and pressed my groin to his. I was just fooling around, but it was fun, and in minutes his hands were tight on my hips and his face was buried in my shoulder.
“You’re such a cocktease, Jory,” he groaned, licking a line up my throat as he squeezed my ass through my jeans.
“I know.” I laughed, rubbing against him to the catcalls and whistles of our friends.
“Oh fuck this,” he half yelled, suddenly grabbing my hair and yanking me off the dance floor, dragging me back to the bar. Once there, he whirled me around to face him. “Go home, Jory, before I make a big mistake and ruin our—”
I put a hand around the back of his neck, pulled him close, and kissed him.
It wasn’t my best, there was really not a lot of effort put into it, but it accomplished my goal.
His mouth opened and he shoved his tongue down my throat.
One of his hands was on my neck, the other on the button fly of my jeans.
His fingers were working fast to open them enough to get his hand inside.
His hot breath was on my face as he broke the kiss to breathe. “Come home with me.”
“Let’s just go in the back.”
He jerked away from me, his eyes on mine. “What are you talking about?”
I smiled slowly. “You’ve never fucked in the back room?”
“Yeah, I’ve fucked in the back room,” he snapped at me. “But I don’t wanna do that with you. I wanna take you home with me.”
I shook my head and put a hand on his belt buckle. “Come on, you know you want it.”
He shoved me back away from him. “I do want it, that’s the problem. I want you, Jory, I always have. All of you.”
I stared at him, understanding finally sinking into my alcohol-soaked brain. “So you want what?”
“I want you to come home with me.”
“And do what?”
He looked confused. “You’re not just some one-night stand, Jory… That’s not what I want from you. You know that.”
I did? Since when?
“Come home with me.” He smiled, his eyes soft.
Funny that it was what I’d told myself I wanted. I’d stopped seeing Kevin because he didn’t want to be with me, but here was my friend Ben suddenly confessing that he wanted me, and Doctor Nick, who called continuously, did as well. People were ready to make commitments to me, and I was hesitating.
“Christ, I’m messed up.”
“What?”
“Nothing.” I shook my head. “I gotta go, man. I’ll call ya, all right?”
“No, just wait.” He forced a smile. “I’ll go in the back with you. Who can say no to those eyes? Just…lemme get you another drink first.”
But I was already turning to walk away. He couldn’t take back what he’d said any more than I could pretend he hadn’t said it. I had offered sex and he wanted commitment, and that was all there was to it.
“Jory,” he said, catching up to me, hand on my shoulder. “Please stay…please.”
I leaned in and kissed his cheek before patting it gently. I left him on the side of the dance floor.
On the sidewalk out front, I was pulling on my T-shirt when it was suddenly yanked down over my head, fast and rough. I looked up and found Detective Kage.
“Oh…hi.”
“Hi,” he said snidely, like it was the lamest greeting ever. “I can’t wait to hear this.”
I pointed into the club. “I was in there dancing, and I came out because—”
“What part of lying low don’t you get?”
“I just wanted to have fun.”
“And are you?”
There was no snappy comeback for that.
“Did you take something?”
“No, why?”
“Your eyes are all glassy.”
“I just drank a lot.”
“A lot? Like, how much can you drink before you’re wasted?”
“You’d be surprised.”
He looked me up and down. “What do you weigh, like, a hundred pounds dripping wet?”
“More like one forty.”
“I’ll believe one twenty.”
I shrugged. “I’m heavier than that. I’m all muscle.”
He laughed, and the sound sent hot blood straight to my groin.
“I am.”
He rubbed the bridge of his nose before giving me all his attention again. “C’mon, I’ll drive you home before you freeze to death out here.”
“That’s okay.” I shook my head. “I’m kinda hungry. I’m gonna eat, and then I’ll go home.”
“You should let me take you home.”
I shook my head again, shoving my hands into my pockets, and walked around him to head toward the diner on the next corner.
“Jory.”
I stopped walking but didn’t turn.
“Don’t be a dumbass. I’ll take you to eat.”
That made me smile in spite of myself. “Where’s the car?”
His hand went to the back of my neck, and I closed my eyes so I could concentrate on the pressure of his fingers and the feel of his warm skin on my own chilled flesh.
“You’re gonna freeze out here.”
The trembling had nothing to do with anything but him.
“Get in the car.”
He usually just barked at me and walked around the car without waiting while I got in, so I was surprised when he reached around me and opened the door, holding it ajar from the top as I climbed up into the passenger seat.
I leaned across the driver’s seat to unlock his door.
When he slid in behind the wheel, he immediately started the car and got the heater blowing full blast.
“So what do you wanna eat?”
“Italian?”
He smiled at me. “Okay, I know a place. You’re gonna like it.”
Just the fact that he cared whether I would or not was good enough for me.
“You got your phone on you?”
“Yeah, why?”
“I want you to have my number and my partner’s, just in case you need to call us.”
I would have liked it better if he’d wanted me to have just his number, but I pressed buttons as he told them to me and didn’t say another word.
As I sat through dinner I wondered about my reaction to Detective Kage.
As a rule, straight men didn’t appeal to me at all.
I wasn’t one of those guys who thought that given the right circumstances, like enough alcohol, any man could be persuaded to try a walk on the wild side.
I truly believed that you were born heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, or whatever else, and there was no fighting the way you were.
Sometimes realization came later in life, but everyone knew the truth in their heart.
So it was weird that every second I spent with Detective Kage made me want to strip off all his clothes that much more.
But no good could come of my infatuation, so it was best to cut it off before I made a fool of myself.
“Did you hear what I said?”
“Sorry.” I forced a smile. “No.”
“I asked if you liked the lasagna.”
“Yeah.” I sighed, then took a deep gulp of my water. “It was great.”
“What’s the matter with you? You’re usually a lot noisier.”
I wasn’t fun or interesting, just noisy. This was getting better and better.
“Why aren’t you talking?”
I shrugged.
“If you’re worried about the case, I can—”
“No,” I said, getting up. “I just gotta go to the bathroom.”
“So go. No one’s stopping you.”
“Where is it?”
He pointed over his shoulder.
I decided on my way back to the table that I would thank him for dinner and get out of there.
He didn’t need to drive me home; I could get there myself.
And it looked like it would be even easier to slip away when I noticed the other four men crowded into the booth.
I didn’t want to walk over there, so instead I went right out the front door. I called him from the street.
“Where are you?”
“I left.”
“You left?”
“I saw your friends. I didn’t wanna put a cramp in your night, so I bailed.”
“Wait, you—”
“Thanks for dinner. It’ll be my treat next time.”
“Whatever.” He hung up.
There was no reason for me to be hurt or frustrated, since we had a professional relationship and nothing more.
But I couldn’t help it. I thought seeing him was more than a coincidence, like he was purposely showing up where I was.
It would be romantic that way. But romance and Detective Kage had never been introduced. I was living in my fantasy world alone.