Twenty-Four
Ishivered and opened my eyes. It was dim, but I could make out enough to see that I was in a hospital.
The thing the IV hangs from, the weird lights, the nurses…
I understood where I was. I heard the machine beeping next to my bed.
I blinked several times to try and clear my vision, and then was rewarded when I saw him.
Sam was there on my right, his head resting on his folded arms, slouched forward in the chair, asleep on the bed.
“Oh, hello, sweetie. You’re awake.”
I turned toward the soft voice and found a smiling nurse. Her smock had little clouds all over it.
“Well, Mr. Harcourt, I’m so happy to see you.”
I grimaced, but she beamed back at me. I tried to speak but nothing came out. My throat was dry and sore, and I suspected both reasons for my inability to get out even a word. I waved to get her attention and then pointed at Sam.
“What do you want, dear? Should I wake him?”
I closed my eyes for no but then opened my hand.
“Oh.” She nodded, smiling wide. “I got it. I’m very good at charades, you know. It’s part of the job.” She lifted my hand and placed it very gently in Sam’s hair. I moved my fingers and watched the copper strands twine around them.
My sigh was very deep.
“Oh, I knew this was the right one.”
I was puzzled, and she read it on my face.
“This one’s your partner, isn’t he?”
I nodded. Barely.
“And is the architect your brother, or is the doctor?”
I held up a finger for number one. So good to hear her say brother. I would never tire of Dane and me being family.
“The architect…all right, then, this is making sense. He’s been in and out, the architect, been adamant about your care.
And the doctor…the doctor’s been vigilant, I’ll grant you, but this one…
” She sighed, looking at Sam. “This one wouldn’t leave your side.
The others have all come and gone, but not him.
He hasn’t left the hospital in eight days. ”
My eyes widened.
“Yes, sweetheart, eight days you’ve been here in intensive care.”
I looked back at Sam. I wanted him to wake up and hold me.
“And that man is not in good shape.”
I absorbed that news.
“Hopefully now that you’re awake, he’ll cry…because I don’t think I can stand to look at his face another day. I have never seen such wounded-looking eyes.”
I could only stare at her.
“Maybe we should wake him so he can go home.” She smiled at me, her face hopeful. “He only eats when his mother makes him, and like I said, he hasn’t left the hospital even once.”
I shook my head no.
“You two must make a handsome couple.”
I tried to smile.
“And you’re very lucky, because not only is this a man who loves you, but he is also just beautiful to look at.” She sighed. “And so is your brother, by the way. Reminds me of one of those matinee idols from the forties. Not that I’m that old, mind you.”
I nodded.
“And you, sweetheart”—she smoothed my hair back from my face—“you’ve got to be about the prettiest boy I’ve ever seen.”
I groaned.
“Man,” she corrected herself, smiling warmly. “I meant man.”
I rolled my eyes, and she chuckled.
“I’m going to call your doctor now that you’re awake so we can get this show on the road.”
Alone with Sam, I tried for a minute to say his name before I gave up and fell asleep.
I woke up, and after I focused a minute, I saw Nick Sullivan.
Funny that he was there, a man I had only been on two dates with, a man who was barely my friend.
I had set him up on a blind date that went very well—he should have been with his new love interest, not keeping vigil over me.
He was standing beside the bed looking down at me, arms folded across his chest and looking oddly uncomfortable.
“What are you doing here?” I asked, my voice scratchy.
He swallowed hard and continued to stare at me.
“Nick?”
He took a deep breath and looked me up and down. There were tubes and cords, and there was an oxygen monitor clipped to my middle finger. “I want to hold you, but I’m not sure how.”
Hold me? “Are you all right?”
“No, I don’t think so. I just want to be close to you.”
I tried to smile because that wasn’t what I wanted. I went for a diversion instead. “May I please have a drink of water?”
He jumped to do it for me.
“Jory.”
I turned and saw Sam coming toward the bed. I tried to shift, to sit up.
“No, no, don’t move,” he ordered, reaching the bed.
He leaned down toward me, lifted my right hand, and put it on his back.
His arms slid around me gently, but tight enough so I could feel the warmth of him through his T-shirt.
Gently, slowly, he maneuvered under everything so he had his head on my chest as he stretched out beside me.
I had no idea how he did it, as big as he was, all six-foot-four of him, but he managed.
It didn’t hurt that the bed I was in was definitely not a standard one.
He felt so good next to me, and he smelled like soap and his hair was damp.
I made a noise that was half whimper, half sigh.
I was so content. I kissed his forehead and stroked his hair. I didn’t remember closing my eyes.
The voices were muffled and soft, but I heard them.
“I don’t understand.” A woman’s voice rose suddenly.
“Mom, don’t wake him up.”
“Maybe he should wake up, Sam. Maybe if you looked in his eyes, you wouldn’t be able to leave.”
“I’m leaving because of him. If I looked in his eyes, it wouldn’t make any difference.”
“You’re a coward.”
“Mom,” he groaned.
“You are! You’re running away because you don’t want people to know you sleep with a man! That’s the only reason you’re doing this.”
“No, it’s not. You haven’t been listening.”
“Sam.” She drew in a breath. “You tell me you love him in the same breath that you tell me you’re going away. How else do I interpret that but as cowardice?”
“You don’t understand… I can’t work like this! I can’t be like this.”
“Like what, Sam? You’re not telling me anything.”
“Mom.” I heard the chair shift on the floor, scraping across it like nails on a chalkboard.
“My life is suddenly under a microscope. If anyone finds out that I was seeing Jory while there was an investigation going on…if IAD actually looks at me, I’m dead.
Do you even get how deep the hole is that I’m in? Do you have any idea?”
“Sam—”
“I was going to tell my captain that Jory was my partner before everything happened with Dom, but there’s no way I can do that now.”
“I think you—”
“And if they find out everything, it won’t stop with being thrown off the force.
I could be charged with interfering in an ongoing investigation.
It’s a mess and…there’s just so much that can go wrong.
I never thought about this because I didn’t care; I just wanted Jory, but really, I could be facing prison time for this. It’s that serious.”
“That’s ridiculous!”
“Only because you’re not familiar with the law. I messed up big-time. You have no idea how screwed I am.”
“Sam—”
“But, Mom…if I leave, do what my captain wants and join the task force and go undercover…” I heard him let out a shaky breath, then drag in another.
“At the moment, everyone thinks I did everything right, plus they’re all concentrating on Dom, not me.
I’m so lucky—you have no idea how lucky.
My boss is giving me the opportunity to completely distance myself from any kind of scandal, and I gotta take it.
I have to go and hunt down Michaelev and everyone who works for him. ”
I tried to speak, to yell, to scream, but there was nothing; I couldn’t even get my eyes to open. There was no way to move or reach out. I felt like I was encased in cotton.
“But you love Jory.”
“I do love Jory, so much. But what use will I be to him if I resent him for not letting me be a cop anymore?”
“Sam—”
“Mom,” he groaned. “I’ve got to help find the man responsible for putting the contract on Jory’s life. If we don’t find—”
“You’re lying to yourself, Sam, if you think you’re doing this for Jory. Just you being with him would keep him safe. You want to get away to make it look like you’re not in love with him.” Her voice cracked before I heard the whimper of impending tears. “You simply—”
“That’s not it at all. You’re wrong. I have to protect him, and this is the only way.”
“Fine. Go. But wait until you can tell him why.”
“He won’t understand any more than you, and all I can think about right now is losing him and how I would feel if that happened. When he was bleeding and I was holding him and… Jesus, there’s no way to remain objective through that.”
I felt the tears slipping down my cheeks, but no one saw them. They were talking about me, but no one was actually looking at me.
“I can’t let anything happen to him, Mom. I dunno what I’d do.”
“He took a bullet for you, Sam. He loves you so much that he would give his life for yours. I could never ask for any more for you, for any of my children… Your father feels the same way. Jory is the only one for you.”
“I know that. I’m not denying that. But this is about more than him. It’s about taking the information that Dominic is giving us and using it to bust a huge drug syndicate. That way not just Jory is safe, but so many other—”
“It’s about Jory, and you not wanting people to know that you’ve been sleeping with him since you met.”
“If IAD knew that, I’d be done. And this way, with me leaving, I save Jory, God knows how many other people, and I still get to be a cop when I come back.”
“Being a cop should not be more important than the man you love.”
“It’s not—please listen to me. If I go, everything will be perfect when I get back. Most important of all, Jory will be safe.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“Jesus, Mom, don’t—”
“Shut up!” she yelled suddenly. “Just tell me this: When you return, will you be with Jory?”
“Yes.”
“And how long will you be undercover?”
“I don’t know.”
“You won’t see him before you go?”
“I’m here now.”
“But—”
“I have to leave right now. There’s no time to wait.”
“Sam.” She started crying. “Please don’t go.”
If I could have screamed, I would have. How could he leave me?
“Mom, if I go, I get to keep anyone from second-guessing my version of events. Nothing Dom says will matter, no one will believe him, and I get to keep my job. He’s gonna be better off without me, just for a while. We need to let everything settle down.”
“I want you to say goodbye to Jory.”
“I did. I sat with him for an hour this morning watching him sleep. It’s better that he sleeps.”
“Oh, Sam.”
“Mom,” he soothed her.
“And what if it’s a long time, Sam? What if…what if Jory finds someone else to love?”
“He won’t. He can’t. He loves me. I love him. It’s written in stone.”
“Sam—”
“I can only do what I think is right, and I think, at this moment, this is best for the both of us. He loves me because of who I am, and if I can’t be that guy…what’s the point anyway?”
“You’re wrong. He loves you because of your heart and for no other reason.”
I felt my body heave. How could he leave me?
His lips were suddenly on my forehead. “I love you, baby.”
But he didn’t. Not really. How could he leave me if he loved me?
“I’ll be back for you.”
I tried to lift up, but already I was sinking instead, the darkness pulling at me.
“I’ll see ya soon.”
But even before I was swallowed by sleep, I knew it was a lie. There was no way of knowing when or where I would ever lay eyes on Sam Kage again.