Four
My problem was that I had the memory of an elephant.
As I lay in bed for hours thinking about Sam Kage, all I could remember was how I had felt when he left, all the physical and emotional pain I was in, and for how long.
So as much as my heart did leaps and flips thinking about him, my brain kept it together.
No way, no how was I letting him near me ever again. It would break me a second time.
When I finally fell asleep, I felt content in my resolve and in the fact that I wouldn’t see him again.
Sam was great at promising things he couldn’t deliver on, so I’d put him out of my mind and concentrate on work.
It was the last thought I had before I fell asleep.
Well, second to last. Sam’s voice telling me he was crazy about me was the very last. My idiocy knew no limits.
Dylan was sick the next morning, so she called to get me to come over and work from her place.
I took scones and hot chocolate for her, and extra-strong coffee for me.
We were done working by eleven and spent the rest of the day shopping for baby clothes.
You had to be really disciplined to be self-employed, and lately we weren’t really cutting it.
“Wow,” I said, trying not to smile as he stopped in front of my desk. “What’re you doing here?”
“You said we could eat.”
“I didn’t really think you’d make it.”
“Why?”
“Because you’re a detective, Detective.”
“I have to make time for you, J.”
I stared at him as the phone rang on my desk.
“You gonna get that or just look at me?”
I answered the phone because I hated the smug tone in his voice.
“Jory, it’s me,” my friend Aiden said nervously on the other end. “Listen, I know it’s late notice, but Wes just called and flaked out on meeting me.”
“Where are you?”
“I’m at Shane’s birthday party, at the Hyatt.”
“I’m not dressed for a party.”
“You always look good, J. I just need a wingman.”
It was a choice between spending time with Sam and taking the easy way out and canceling, going to a party with my friend in need. It was an easy choice to make. “Fine,” I agreed.
“Thanks, man. I owe ya big. When can you be here?”
“In, like, fifteen minutes.”
“Have I told you lately that I love you?”
I hung up on him and looked at Sam. “I’m sorry, but duty calls.”
He nodded. “When you’re done, then.”
“It might be late. Let’s try again tomorrow.”
He shook his head.
“C’mon. I’ll meet you at Dundee’s for dinner after I go to the gym. Say, seven thirty?”
“Okay.”
I got up, smiling at him. “Thanks, Sam, I—”
“C’mon, I’ll drive you.”
“Oh no, that’s okay. I can—”
“I’ll drive you.”
“It’s not necessary.”
But by the heavy hand on my shoulder, I knew that, to him, it very much was.
Three hours later I told myself I shouldn’t care.
The man didn’t belong to me. And yet every woman who walked over to Sam Kage and put her hand on his shoulder annoyed me.
Every man who leaned on the bar next to him and checked him out irritated me even more.
The fact that he was just sitting there—having told me that since he was at a bar, he might as well have a drink—minding his own business, was slowly driving me crazy.
To try and numb the growing pain in the pit of my stomach, I was drinking.
When my friend Aiden walked up behind me and put his hands on my shoulders, I rolled them so he’d have to let go.
“What’s with you?” he snapped at me.
“Nothing,” I said absently, standing up. “I think I’m gonna go, though. I saw Scott and Jerry. You don’t need me anymore.”
“Yes, I do,” he said, shoving me back down into the chair. “I need you.”
My eyes darted to Sam, and I saw him leaning back against the bar, long legs crossed at the ankles. He was the picture of ease, and I was all tangled up just looking at him.
“Jory, honey, just come dance.”
“I don’t feel like it.” I forced a smile, draining my third Chivas and water. “I just wanna sit.”
“You gonna let somebody sit with you?” he asked, tipping his head toward the seat beside me, where my leather racing jacket lay. “There’s plenty of guys dyin’ to come over here, but you are definitely not being real inviting right now.”
“Oh no?” I grinned up at him, the alcohol slowly seeping through my veins. “I feel pretty good.”
“Yeah, I bet.” He nodded, leaning down to rest his forehead on mine. “But the way you’re acting is not friendly. Your whole vibe right now is ‘fuck off.’”
“Is it?”
“Yeah. I’ve counted nine guys that’ve tried to sit down, and they’ve all been shut down hard.”
I grunted, reaching up to put my hand around the back of his neck. “You wanna be number ten, Aid?” I sighed, letting my eyes drift closed. “You wanna take me home and fuck me?”
“Jory, you are such a tease,” he snapped at me, pulling back as I chuckled. “We both know you’d never even let me kiss you.”
I started on my fourth drink, which the waiter had dropped off. “There’s always a first time.”
“Jory—”
“Excuse me.”
We both looked up at the tall, dark-haired man hovering over us. He pointed at the chair where my jacket was. “Can I sit there?”
“Sure,” I said, grabbing my drink, snatching my jacket off the chair, and leaving fast.
I walked to a different table, higher and with barstools around it, and sat down.
“Jory, you’re such a prick,” Aiden scolded me as he walked up beside me and leaned on the table. “That guy was really hot, and he totally wanted to talk to you.”
“Whatever,” I grunted, leaning my chin on my hand to look at him. “So you wanna go get something to eat? I’m starving.”
“Jory, I’m here to pick somebody up. Unlike you, it’s work for me. I—”
“No, it’s not,” I assured him. “There’s no guy in here you can’t have,” I said, looking around, my eyes finding Sam Kage. “Except him. You can’t have him.”
He chuckled. “You can’t have him, either, J. He’s straight.”
“You think so?”
“Look at him,” he said like I was nuts. “Yeah, J, he’s got the whole breeder vibe goin’ on.”
I checked out Sam Kage, and my stomach did a slow roll.
“Even you might let a guy like that sit with you, huh, J?”
“Maybe I would,” I said as Sam caught me staring and smiled.
“Oh shit,” Aiden moaned, watching Sam lever himself off the bar and start across the room, his eyes on me the whole time. “You know him?”
“Yes, I do.”
“God, Jory, how hot is he?”
“You have no idea,” I assured my friend.
He shivered as Sam Kage stepped up beside me, hand on the back of my neck.
“I want you to come outside and get in my car now.”
“I can’t do that,” I told him. “I’m here with friends.”
“This is bullshit. You made a date with me first.”
“And something came up.”
“This is not something. This is you blowing me off.”
“Then go.”
“No.”
“Sam, you—”
He growled. “Just come talk to me outside for a second. It’s hot in here.”
“It is a little,” I agreed, looking up into his dark eyes.
“C’mon.”
“I can’t do—why are you still here?”
He smiled slowly, and I saw the flash in his eyes. “Because you’re still here.”
“Jory, introduce me to your friend,” Aiden asked, interrupting us.
“I’m not his friend,” Sam corrected him. “I’m way more than that.”
I watched his eyes get huge. “I’m sorry?”
“He’s not,” I told Aiden.
Sam yanked my head back and stared down into my eyes. “The hell I’m not,” he said as he bent to kiss me, his hand tight in my hair.
I shoved him away and, in the process, lost my balance, nearly falling off my barstool. It was perhaps the most uncoordinated, ungraceful thing I’d ever done, but he caught me, crushing me against him and patting my ass before he set me on my feet.
I was sputtering as he laughed at me. “You can’t just—”
“I love it when you get all worked up.” He smiled lazily. “You get all flushed, and your eyes go all dark…it’s really something.”
I glared at him. “You think you can just––”
“But I’m sorry I tried to take a kiss,” he murmured. “I only want the ones happily given.”
I deflated. How was I supposed to remain indignant when he saying good things and was looking at me like that? Like I was the most amazing thing he’d ever laid eyes on.
Gently, he ran the backs of his fingers under my chin. “Put your jacket on. I wanna go.”
“I—”
“C’mon, baby,” he said softly, pleading.
I felt drugged, and when I looked at Aiden, I saw the completely enraptured smile.
“Aid?”
“God, Jory, he’s crazy about you.”
“Yes, I am,” Sam agreed, taking a handful of my dress shirt. “Just come talk to me.”
“No. There’s no point.” I grabbed my jacket and my drink, ready to move again.
“Hey, pretty boy.”
I looked over at the next table, and there was a guy sitting there smiling at me.
He was young, covered in tattoos, and his shirt was open, revealing toned pecs and six-pack abs.
The only word that described him was hot, and the look he was giving me said that he was more than interested in getting to know me.
“C’mere. I wanna talk to you.”
But there was no way I could walk away from Sam Kage, even if I wanted to, even if I was trying to prove a point. There was just no way.
“Not a chance, man,” Sam said to the guy, his voice deep, menacing.
I sighed and looked back at Sam. “What do you want?”
“I told you—I want to talk to you outside.”
The way he was looking at me, how dark his eyes were… He would not take no for an answer. We’d stand there all night if I argued with him. “Fine.”
I followed him through the crowd, moving slowly until we made it to the front door.
Outside, I stood in front of him and waited.
“Let’s go eat. I know you’re starving.”
“I’m not—”
“J, you drank your dinner. Lemme feed you.”
I just stared at him.
“C’mon. I promise to lay off.”
I continued to study his face for a second, then nodded before suggesting we try the diner around the corner.
He gave me a lopsided grin and started walking.
It was nice when he started talking about nothing, making conversation about the last movie he’d seen, how he’d spent last Saturday cleaning his mother’s rain gutters, and about a case at work where a guy had shot his best friend in the foot over a golf club.
“I am continually surprised by the things people do,” I told him.
“You and me both,” he agreed, holding open the door for me so I could step inside the family-run diner where pot roast was the special of the day.
Dinner was really nice. We laughed and talked, and he kept our conversation light. When I was having a cup of hot chocolate with marshmallows for dessert and he was having a slice of key lime pie and coffee, he caught me staring.
“What?”
“Nothing.”
“C’mon, J,” he said softly, coaxing, leaning close to me, his knee bumping against mine under the table, his arm behind my head, draped over the back of the booth. “Tell me.”
I shrugged. “It’s just you. You look exactly the same. You haven’t changed at all.”
“I’ve changed a lot,” he assured me. “I promise you.”
I didn’t want to delve. It sounded like a dangerous topic of conversation.
As we walked back toward the club, he asked me if he could drive me home.
“It’s probably not a real good idea.”
“Why not?” he asked as we reached his huge SUV.
“I thought we were having dinner tomorrow and—”
“I don’t wanna have dinner again,” he told me. “I want you to—”
“I thought you said you weren’t gonna push?”
“Fuck this,” he growled at me. “I’m done with you saying no.”
I walked a few feet away from him. “It’s not gonna be like you want, so maybe you should just give up.”
After a minute of staring at me, he nodded.
“I just can’t, Sam,” I said, swallowing hard, the lump in my throat almost painful.
“Okay.”
I let out a deep breath and turned to walk away.
“Hey.”
I stopped and looked over my shoulder at him.
“I’ll see you around, all right?”
I smiled at him and continued down the street.
I wasn’t sure how to feel. Relieved? Sad?
Steeped in regret, vindicated, or hopeful?
Hard to imagine that I would ever fall in love with another man the way I had been in love with Sam Kage.
It was, however, not necessarily a bad thing. Being in that deep was really scary.