Thirteen
Istood there in the room as they worked on Sam, having ridden to the hospital with him in the back of the ambulance.
They weren’t supposed to let me do that, but something about my face had changed the EMT’s mind.
And now I was watching as three doctors, four nurses, and a surgeon, who had been paged, all stepped quickly around Sam in what seemed like a choreographed dance.
The way everyone moved so precisely, not one person bumping another, was amazing to see.
I had questions coming at me fast, and I answered without thinking—just the facts, no embellishment, simply what I’d seen.
From the force of the explosion, they were worried about internal bleeding.
I was terrified of all the blood I could see.
They would need a head CT to determine what, if any, damage had been done to his brain, but were worried at the moment that he was still unconscious and had no response to pain.
His pupils, either big or small—I didn’t catch which it was—were also a cause for concern.
Once they started cutting his shirt and pants off, they had me step out, taking me to a quiet room, not out to the ER waiting area.
Sam had already changed the durable power of attorney for healthcare that we would put into effect for me.
He must have done it when we first got back together, because I was the one everyone talked to.
Also, a nurse brought me papers to initial and sign—so many papers—and I had to sit there and answer more questions.
I was so happy when his mother showed up, taking a seat beside me, able to answer another nurse about whether or not he had allergies.
I didn’t think he had any and was happy to hear I was right.
They were surprised that a homicide detective drank only occasionally and didn’t smoke.
“That’s because he’s happy,” his mother told the nurse. “He’s in love.”
Dane was there by the time they got to the questions about AIDS, and his glare was frigid as he answered that no, neither Sam nor I were positive. “I know you have to ask that question, but perhaps ask it in a non-accusatory way,” he cautioned the nurse.
She apologized, and when she took my hand, I felt better.
Dane spoke to Sam’s captain and Chloe, and I appreciated him being the point of contact until everyone arrived.
It was too much for me to do anything but focus on Sam.
I was overwhelmed. I wanted to be strong, to be a rock, but I had just gotten him back, and the thought of losing him forever was gutting me.
Dane dealing with the madness was better.
“Your brother takes good care of you,” Regina told me.
I could only nod.
They came and told us that they were moving us all upstairs to the third floor, as Sam had been taken up there for surgery. He had been stabilized, and now they were operating.
The area upstairs was bigger, lots of room, lots of people sitting there, waiting.
Regina sat on one side of me, Aja on the other, while Dane paced, along with Sam’s dad, Thomas, his brother, Michael, and his partner, Chloe.
Soon the waiting room was full of policemen and detectives, and still there was no word.
We had to wait and see, and it was slowly driving me insane.
Dane went back to my apartment with a police escort and got me my heavy fisherman sweater and my parka.
Sam had made me put on my sneakers and socks just to walk him out, and I’d been glad when I was riding in the ambulance with him.
Dane made it back to me right before I froze to death, still in the T-shirt and jeans Sam had seen me in last.
I sat there for three hours staring at the ceiling tiles, another three watching people get coffee from the machine, remembering that Sam and I had been there together not even a month ago, when Micah was born.
I let Regina tell me everything would be all right; I let Aja put her arm around my shoulders and hug me tight.
Sam’s captain came and squeezed my hand; Chloe put her hands on my face and promised me that Sam was way too tough to die.
Dane just looked at me, saying nothing because he didn’t know anything yet, the realist unable to give me false hope.
Somehow that was the most comforting, because it wasn’t the time to be sad yet, or worry.
We had no idea what was going on—the time for panic would be later, if at all. No reason to get ahead of myself.
More officers came and went, there were reporters who spoke to his captain outside the hospital about the incident, and the FBI guys lingered on the edge of the circus.
One of the reporters got upstairs with a cameraman and tried to talk to Sam’s family and me, but he was dragged away by uniformed policemen before he could get too close.
Apparently, the captain didn’t mind answering questions about Sam’s service record, his time on the force, or his injuries, but his relationship to me was not for public knowledge.
And even though Aja said it shouldn’t matter, I thanked the captain anyway.
Dane told me later that there was another FBI agent coming, but I didn’t listen to who it was or when he would show up.
The only thing I could do was wait to hear about Sam.
My mind could focus on nothing else. I stared out the window and tried to picture my life without Sam Kage.
I couldn’t see it, and took that as a good sign.
Almost everyone was asleep when the surgeon finally emerged well after midnight, early in the morning.
I was up and out of my chair so fast that I upset Regina and Aja, who were asleep on either side of me.
I reached the surgeon and stood there, holding my breath as the others crowded around us.
I waited for my life to either begin again or end.
Dr. Kohara didn’t look at anyone but me.
“He lost a lot of blood, Mr. Harcourt.” He sighed deeply, looking weary. “There was a lot of internal bleeding, and that took a while to get under control. We had to check everything, which is what took hours.”
“Okay,” I said, because it seemed like he wanted me to say something.
“We’re keeping him in the ICU, but he’s stable at the moment. We will continue to monitor his progress.”
I nodded, too overwhelmed to speak.
“We had to remove his spleen, and I know that sounds scary, but it’s really not. I’m sorry we had you wait so long without word on him, but even though it was critical at the beginning, he really came through so much better than we could have hoped.”
“Thank you.”
He smiled slightly. “He didn’t sustain any traumatic damage to his brain or spine. He’s a very lucky man. It could have been so much worse.”
But he didn’t say he was going to be fine.
“You can come in, and maybe one other person, but that’s it.”
I grabbed his hand, squeezed tight. “Thank you. Really…thank you.”
He nodded, his eyes on mine, and suddenly he smiled. “What’s your first name?”
“Jory.”
He sighed, his hand going to my shoulder. “I thought it might be—he said it a lot.”
I felt the smile on my face.
His smile deepened. “Something about a swear jar?”
“I’m working on him.”
“Well, that’s good. All of us should have someone trying to help us be better.”
I felt like the tears were just waiting to drown me and him and everyone else for miles.
“Come on—who’s coming with you?”
I reached for Regina’s hand, and she grabbed mine tight. We followed Dr. Kohara together.
The room sounded like a pet store full of chirping birds, but it was the machines whirring and beeping, little alarms going off, things pinging, all of it there to monitor different parts of the man’s anatomy.
I was glad he didn’t look small in the bed.
He looked the same, just still, and the fact that he was breathing on his own, no machine hooked up to his face, made me very happy.
His right cheek was scraped, and there was dried blood in splotches everywhere.
He had a bandage over his right eyebrow, lots of IV tubes coming out of him, and the oxygen monitor clipped to his middle finger.
I put another blanket over his feet because I didn’t want them to get cold. I always froze in hospitals.
“His color is good.” Regina sighed, her smile brilliant.
“Oh, Jory, he looks so good.” She took the hand without the monitor on it as I leaned up to his forehead and kissed him gently.
When I pulled back, I voiced the thought that had been screaming in my head for the past ten, going on eleven, hours.
“This is all my fault.”
“I’m sorry?”
I looked over at my boyfriend’s mother. “The guy—he went after Sam to get to me. I put Sam in danger. This is all my fault.”
“No-no-no.” She shook her head. “This is no more your fault than it is Dane’s. This man wants to hurt Dane, so he goes after you, and in getting to you now, he’s taken his wrath out on Sam. It’s—”
“Okay,” I placated her. “You’re right.”
She let me soothe her, and I was glad, because it would have been harder if she didn’t trust me. I didn’t need her checking on me. I needed to be able to leave without anybody realizing it. I knew what I had to do, even though I didn’t really want to do it.
I went back out of the room and sent Sam’s father in while I thanked everyone for being there.
I told them all how he looked and how he was breathing by himself.
I spent the next half an hour hugging them all goodbye and telling each of them how much it meant that they were there.
It was tough arguing with Dane, because he wanted me to go home with him and Aja.
Even though there had been, and still was, a police car permanently sitting on the street in front of my building, he felt like it wasn’t safe enough.
And it was hard to argue with him as Sam’s car had been rigged with a bomb.
But, as had been pointed out to Dane, that could have been placed anywhere it had been parked.
The supposition had been made, even though the wreckage hadn’t yet been examined, that the device could not have been on a timer, but instead had been remotely detonated.
The two officers hadn’t seen anyone close by, but they wouldn’t have missed someone planting it on Sam’s SUV.
Everyone agreed that I would be safe at home.
Regardless, when Regina came out of the room, she wanted me to come home with her.
I promised to be there tomorrow, but I wanted to stay at the hospital. Everyone understood.
Back in the room with Sam, I held his hand and told him how much I loved him.
“You know, I understand now. When you left me in the hospital to go off and keep me safe, I mean. I get how that was all you could do. Because I’m gonna do the same, so you have to forgive me as well.
” I smiled at him. “I gotta find this guy, Sam. I can’t let anyone hurt you again.
My heart won’t recover from any more of this shit. ”
I leaned up and kissed his lips, and when I pulled back, I stared at his face a long moment, ingraining it in my memory. It would have to last for just a little while.
I went home and packed a small duffel bag at nine in the morning.
I turned all the lights on in the apartment at first, left one on in the living room, then turned off the one in my bedroom an hour later.
I left my phone on my nightstand, went out the window to the fire escape, and took that to the alley behind my building. The cops never even saw me leave.