Chapter Thirteen
MICHELLE ANNOUNCES THAT it’s time to open gifts. I’m happy to disappear into the woodwork and be an observer.
I need to ponder my recent realization. The more I think about it, the more I realize Ren has never actually hinted at anything more than friendship between us in conversation or otherwise. I’ve been assuming a lot.
“You okay?” Ren asks.
I look into his eyes for much too long before answering, a question in my gaze. We’re so close, I can feel his sweet breath on my face.
“Bree?”
“Yeah. I’m okay.”
“Do you want to leave?”
Does he think I’m pining over Sawyer? Of course he does. Even I wasn’t completely sure I was over him until today.
“No, I’m good.”
“Okay. I’m here for you.”
Yes, he is. Too bad his sentiment didn’t come with a quick squeeze of my hand.
Again, nothing. This is odd. Something isn’t quite right. I can’t believe I didn’t notice it until now. I thought we were a couple—in the very early stages, but a couple nonetheless.
We’re not.
“Would you like me to get you a plate?” Ren asks.
“Sure.”
“What would you like?”
“Anything is fine.”
“Green eggs and ham it is.” He walks off to the refreshment table, leaving me smiling in his wake—even though I don’t feel like smiling.
He returns a few minutes later with plates for both of us, filled with an assortment of pastries, fruit, raw veggies, and dip.
“Thank you.”
“You bet.”
Such a gentleman. Is he pursuing me or isn’t he? I’m totally thrown for a loop, noticing things I’ve never noticed before.
Quinn opens several more gifts, the latest a package filled with an assortment of the cutest little sleepers I’ve ever seen. While everyone is oohing and aahing over them, I decide to conduct a little experiment.
I scoot over in my chair, making my thigh touch Ren’s. It’s so subtle, something that easily happens when sitting in a crowd of people.
Seconds later, he scoots over, ending the understated contact.
He gets up, takes our plates, and throws them away.
I’m known for being blunt, but I’m not about to make a scene in front of everyone at Quinn’s baby shower.
Still, the urge to question him is strong.
I’ve never been one to beat around the bush.
I’m going to continue with my experiment, even though my heart’s aching in my chest. I’m trying my best not to reveal my inner turmoil, but I wonder if I look upset.
More than likely, everyone expects it from me today anyway.
Ren’s hands are resting on his thighs, begging to be touched.
As Quinn opens her next gift, a brightly colored set of cloth baby books, I lean over and place my hand over Ren’s. “Aren’t those cute?”
He moves his hand out from under mine immediately. He covers his move by running his hand through his hair.
Huh.
“They are. That’s what I want for my birthday, by the way.”
I fake an airy laugh while the cold hard truth hits me smack dab between the eyes. Here, of all places. Why did this revelation have to come to me right now? Piled on top of everything else I’m dealing with today.
If Ren was waiting for me to be ready for a relationship, he would welcome my touch. He would be happy that I’m finally on the same page as him. Right?
A raging war of thoughts is battling in my head, a fight of epic proportions.
Quinn’s next gift is a set of baby bandana drool bibs. I boldly place my hand on Ren’s leg and say, “Those are great. When kids are teething, they drool like crazy.”
“I’ll keep them in mind for when I’m old and gray.” He hops to his feet again rather quickly, effectively shaking off my touch. “Would you like something to drink? Water, soda, juice?”
I’m a little stunned. “Um…water’s fine. Thank you.”
Josie and Jordyn come running toward me and ask if they can sit with me.
I pick them up and settle them on my lap.
Either they’ve grown or my lap is getting smaller.
It doesn’t matter, they’ve saved the day.
I need a distraction. It feels so good to hold them close, run my fingers through their hair, and kiss the tops of their heads.
They know me, and they remember me. I cared for them for two years of their lives. We have a bond that will never be broken, and I will never regret the time I spent with them.
Ren returns with my water. His eyebrows rise as he studies me thoughtfully. “There’s something different about you. I’m not sure what it is, but it’ll come to me in a minute.”
I wish he wouldn’t make me laugh when I’m dying on the inside. I hug Josie and Jordyn a little tighter, making Ren smile, his eyes crinkling at the corners. Did I mention I love his smile?
I let the girls have my water. They take turns taking little sips.
“Kids look good on you, Bree,” Ren comments.
I know they do. It’s because my inner happiness can’t help but radiate through every pore of my skin.
Quinn notices me cuddling with her babies and sends me a tender smile, which I promptly return.
Josie and Jordyn remain on my lap until all the presents have been opened, which takes nearly an hour. My legs are pretty much numb, but I’m not complaining.
Too-cute-to-eat cupcakes are passed around next, and the Grandma Gang takes the girls to the kitchen to eat their treats.
After we finish our cupcakes, Ren glances at his watch. “Sorry, we should be going soon. It’s two and a half hours back to Portland.”
“Okay, I’ll say my goodbyes.”
I share a few words and a long hug with Quinn, then I visit the powder room before our drive. When I exit the hallway, I run into Sawyer.
“It means a lot to Quinn that you came today. She still wants to maintain a friendship with you, and I respect her wishes.”
“It means a lot to me to be here.” It means the world to me. It means forgiveness might be mine. At least, Quinn’s forgiveness.
“I know it does. You know you can see the girls anytime, right?”
“I do. Thanks, Sawyer. I hope you can forgive me one day. I know I behaved horribly, and I’m truly sorry.
” I wish I could remind him that it was around twenty-four hours of temporary insanity.
It wasn’t my usual behavior, even though I’ve always been outspoken.
I eventually came to my senses. Unfortunately, the damage I caused in that time period is irreversible.
Sawyer expels his breath heavily. “Appreciate that. Look, I can forgive and forget. Truth is, it just doesn’t matter anymore.”
Ouch. “I understand.” My voice cracks. I have his forgiveness, but I completely lost Sawyer’s trust and respect. At least he still trusts me with his children. That says a lot.
When I turn to leave, I notice Ren standing by the door waiting for me and watching my exchange with Sawyer. He’s so serious, and I wonder what he’s thinking.
There’s this moment where we just stand there staring at each other. No words, no smiles, no laughter. Just me and Ren.
A man approaches to talk with him, and the moment is over. But I continue to watch as they converse. Almost immediately, the man laughs at something Ren says. Of anything, I love that about him the most.
I find Josie and Jordyn, give them kisses goodbye, and head for the door.
It’s time for me to gather up my heart and get the heck out of here.
THIRTY OR SO minutes later finds us engaged in small talk as we enjoy the scenic drive. I’m keeping it light and avoiding the elephant in the room. Or in this case, car.
I’m unsure if I’m the only one who knows the elephant is there. I suppose I just noticed him. Maybe he’s been there all along. Maybe I’m the only one who didn’t know it.
At any rate, I’m not ready to confront Ren about our relationship, or lack thereof.
I need to go home and think things through first. I need to handle this situation rationally.
I won’t let myself react in the crazy way I reacted to losing Sawyer.
I promised myself I would never let myself lose control like that again.
Ren clears his throat. “Hey, you okay? I know that was hard.”
I think it’s time I set him straight where Sawyer is concerned.
“You know what? It wasn’t hard. I’ve been over Sawyer for some time now. I just needed to test the waters face-to-face, ensure it was really true. I watched Sawyer and Quinn together, and I felt nothing but happiness for them. It was satisfying.”
Ren doesn’t say anything. He simply stares at the road, looking a little tense. Where’s my happy, funny man? The one that makes me laugh all the time? Okay, most of the time. No one is “on” twenty-four seven.
“Ren?”
“That’s good,” he says, his velvet voice in full force.
“Is something wrong?” Because it feels like something is off to me. I can hardly process it.
“No, not at all. Just concentrating on driving.”
Of course. “Can I ask you something?”
He hesitates for a few heartbeats. It’s subtle, but he does. “Sure.”
“Were you upset when you saw me talking to Sawyer?” Was he jealous? I don’t want to make him jealous. Such an ugly emotion.
“No, just worried about you. Your body language told me exactly how you were feeling.”
“What do you mean?”
“You looked disturbed.”
“Sawyer’s willing to forgive me. I know I lost his trust, though.
That’s tough to handle. But there’s a reason he feels that way, and it’s my own fault.
It is what it is.” I release a relieved breath.
“The thing is, one look at Sawyer and Quinn together again, and I knew I was over him. Isn’t that a good thing? It means I’m ready to move on.”
“Yes, of course.”
“I felt like you looked upset after I spoke with Sawyer.”
“Did I?” he asks.
If he looked upset when I was talking to Sawyer, doesn’t it follow that it means he has feelings for me? Else, why would he be upset?
I’m getting a headache just thinking about it.
I clear my mind and try to concentrate on the here and now, enjoy my time with Ren while I have it.
Will I see him again after this? I don’t know. Warning bells are going off in my head in a big way. Something just feels wrong, and I can’t explain why. I want to retreat, protect my vital organs. Hide out. Lick my wounds.
Don’t get hurt.
Ren changes lanes smoothly. “I enjoyed today. It was nice. I see why you love Quinn. She’s a sweetheart.
I understand you in ways I didn’t before.
Especially after seeing the house, the couple, the children.
I see why it was so hard for you. I’m not saying what you did was okay, but I understand your wild emotions. It must’ve been tough.”
“It was a horrible situation for me. For everyone else, it was happy. After I left, that is.” My behavior still weighs heavily on me.
“Hey, you’re doing your best to make amends. That says a lot about you. You get major kudos from me.”
“Thanks, Ren.” I don’t know what else to do. Just keep trying to be a better person, I guess.
I tap my fingers on my knees, debating. Do I give physical touch one more try?
A public baby shower was probably not the best place to experiment.
Maybe he’s one of those people who hates physical affection in public settings.
Maybe everything I felt today was off. After all, it was a stressful event, and I was faced with a very affectionate couple.
No wonder my thoughts wandered into unexplored territory, albeit a territory I’ve wanted to explore since meeting him. It felt right to wait, though.
Now it just feels wrong.
Our natural progression has been stunted. We’ve come to a sudden tire-screeching stop. Does he know it? Because I sure do.
I decide to brave another touch. I reach out and lay my hand on his shoulder. “Thanks again for coming with me today.”
“No problem.”
His reaction is physically verbal. He tenses up, his shoulders rigid and unwelcoming. The “don’t touch me” vibe emanating from him makes my hand fall to the seat.
I’m not imagining it. He doesn’t want physical contact between us.
I’ve been through too much this year. I can’t deal with this.
When he rests one hand on the armrest during a straight stretch of road, I give contact another try. I place my hand on top of his. His hand is warm, his skin smooth. “It was so nice to have you by my side today. I loved it.”
He immediately moves his hand back to the steering wheel, even though we’re still on the straight stretch of road.
“I’m glad I could be there for you. That’s what friends are for.” His voice glides over my skin, leaving behind goosebumps.
But his words are not what I wanted to hear. I face forward, my eyes on the road. My chest burns with an ache that’s too much to bear. I rest my head on the headrest and feign sleep for the rest of the long drive home, thankful for the silence.
A silence that says everything that needs to be said.