Chapter Eighteen
I’M BACK AT Ren’s house, sitting in the living room.
Jack invited me to watch the football game with him, but I’m really watching Ren cook dinner.
Kate is his helper, with a too-big apron tied around her waist. She’s standing on a stool, busy shredding lettuce with a large plastic serrated knife.
It’s probably the only knife Ren will let her use.
Although I agree with that decision. He seems relaxed now.
I have a feeling Ren’s relieved I know the truth.
Yet there are so many things I don’t know, so many things I want to ask.
My eyes wander to the kitchen table. Susan is helping Ethan with homework.
“Pay attention, Ethan,” Jack says like a true Grandpa.
“He is, honey.” Susan pats Ethan’s hand. “He’s doing great.”
“That’s my boy.” Then to me, Jack explains, “Ethan has ADHD. He’s on Adderall, which helps him focus.”
“I see.” It’s such a perfect family scene. I find myself wishing I belonged here, but I don’t. I’m an outsider.
Going out to get ice cream with Ren and his kids made me feel the same way. I watched them interact, feeling like I was having an out-of-body experience, sitting on the outside looking in, all the while wishing we were mother, father, and children.
That’s my life. Always stealing someone else’s family. Why can’t I have my own?
Ren used the time at the ice cream parlor to get the kids to talk about their experience with their mother.
It was therapeutic for them, giving them the opportunity to work through their feelings.
He reminded them that her brain didn’t work properly anymore, but if it did, she would remember just how much she loved her children. He told them to always remember that.
Slowly, the mood changed from somber to happy. It was a mental workout, but somehow Ren pulled it off. By the end of our ice cream date, the kids were smiling and giggling.
Now Ren’s back to his usual self, having fun with Kate in the kitchen as they make Sunday afternoon dinner. I didn’t offer to help. I’d just make a mess of things anyway. This is his special time with his daughter. I don’t want to interfere.
So I watch, taking it all in and memorizing the feeling of being part of a family unit.
I love seeing Ren casual and relaxed, working in the kitchen with deft hands, tasting the sauce he’s making and adding more spices.
Strands of hair have fallen onto his forehead, making him look rather dashing.
Kate grabs an olive, challenging her father to catch it with his mouth, which eventually results in most of the olives landing on the kitchen floor.
But it was fun to watch Ren trying to catch them, his smile wide, his laugh deep and infectious.
I turn my head and notice Jack is watching me watch Ren. I really hate the pity I see in his eyes once again.
I excuse myself to use the restroom. When I’m done, I pause in the hallway, staring at the family photos.
In particular, the family portraits of Ren and his wife.
I see the same woman I saw today in the hospital, except in these photos she’s vibrant and alive.
Her smile is natural, like she does it a lot, and there’s a light in her eyes that speaks to her happiness.
She’s quite beautiful, her long dark hair parted to one side.
In every picture, either her arms are wrapped around Ren or Ren’s arms are wrapped around her.
If these pictures tell their story, they were happy with each other. Really happy.
“Hey, just thought I’d come check on you, young lady. You okay?”
It’s Jack. Ren’s father has taken on the job of my protector. He hugged me the minute we returned, asking how I was. I lied and said I was fine. I know he didn’t believe me.
I don’t lie this time. “Not really.”
“You didn’t know, did you?”
“No. Ren felt the best way for me to understand his life was to see it firsthand.”
“Was he right?”
“Yeah. But…”
“Nothing can prepare you for actually seeing Allie.”
Allie. That’s cute. It fits the smiling woman in the pictures much more than the formal version of her name.
“I didn’t know what to expect, but it wasn’t that.”
“All this time, he’s never once brought another woman home. Have to say, it surprised us.”
“We’re just friends.”
Jack leans a hand against the wall. “On paper maybe. Not in your hearts.”
I don’t know what to say to that. It makes me feel like our relationship is clandestine. Just like my relationship with Sawyer turned out to be. It was right, then it was so very wrong. “Can I ask you a question?”
“Sure.”
“Are they still married?” I need to know, and I need to know now.
He takes a deep breath. “I think that’s a question for Ren, but I’ll answer it anyway. Yes, they are.”
I close my eyes. He’s a married man. That explains Ren’s behavior, his refusal to take our relationship to the next level. “That explains a lot. I was friend-zoned the moment I met him.” I mean, I friend-zoned him too.
“Ren’s as loyal as they come,” Jack says.
“I love that quality.” I do, but this scenario hurts.
“What about you? Are you loyal?” Jack’s pointed gaze makes me uncomfortable.
“I’ve always been loyal in my love life. But I was once disloyal to a best friend. I’m still making up for that mistake.” I’m not sure I can ever make up for my actions.
“Good for you.” Jack nods as though he approves of me.
I think. “How long has Allison been like this?”
“It’s been four years since her accident.”
Four years? Ren has lived like this for four years. He has a wife, but not really.
This is unbearable. I’m ready to go home. Being here is like having a dream dangled before my eyes, then having someone say, “Just kidding, it can’t be yours.”
I’ve been in this position before.
A relationship between us is hopeless. It can’t happen.
“She had an accident?” I ask.
“Yes. She was hit by a car while riding her bicycle. The head injury caused severe brain damage.”
My mind wanders to Ren’s overprotectiveness, his obsession with safety. Everything falls into place. No wonder. An accident took his life from him. It’s not surprising that he’s scared of one happening again.
Ren calls us to dinner. He made his “famous” lasagna, as everyone calls it, along with salad, green beans with bacon, cream cheese and green chili corn, and garlic French bread.
He kills it in the kitchen. Dinner is delicious but interminable. I’m simmering on the inside, minutes away from a full boil. I promise myself over and over that I won’t lose it and act horribly like I did with Sawyer and Quinn, but my thoughts are starting to rage.
Ren is married. Married. He shouldn’t have carried on with our “friendship.” He’s right, it was wrong of him.
As the minutes tick by, I feel angrier and angrier. I feel for Ren and his situation. I even understand his actions.
It still doesn’t make it right.
But I promised Ren I would withhold judgment until I’d heard the entire story, and I’m going to keep that promise.
Susan scoops a bite of lasagna into her mouth. “Ren, this is so good. Who are you and what have you done with my son? You know, the one who burned toast practically every morning before school.”
Ren chuckles. “Once I mastered toast, I knew I had talent.”
Kate raises one hand in the air. “I can make toast.”
“Yes, you can. That’s why you’re a genius,” Ren says in his smooth voice.
Kate smiles adorably, proud of herself.
Ren’s phone dings, and he checks his messages.
“How’s Allie?” Jack asks.
“Finally sleeping. With nighttime being so hard for her, she tends to exhaust herself. She can’t sleep; she can’t relax. She’s aggressive and angry. Sedatives don’t seem to help at all. It’s no wonder she’s so irritated during the day.”
Everything clicks into place. I now understand where his constant text messages were coming from. Updates on his wife.
“How was the visit?”
“She was agitated today. It was tough.” Ren exhales sharply.
“I’m sorry,” Susan says, frowning. “I saw her on Thursday afternoon, and she was so peaceful, so relaxed. I was hoping the kids could see her like that.”
“She screamed at us,” Kate says sadly.
“Not at you, sweetheart,” Susan soothes. “She just screams sometimes. It’s part of her sickness, remember?”
“Yes.” Kate hangs her head.
“Hey, no sad faces are allowed while Dad is here. Otherwise, I might eat all of your green beans. And I know how much you love them.”
Kate hasn’t taken a single bite of green beans. They’re separated from all the rest of her food in a corner of her plate. “I’ll give them to you, Daddy.”
Ren holds his heart. “I couldn’t let you make such a sacrifice.”
Kate giggles but still doesn’t touch her vegetables.
“How are things at Exodus, Ren? Going well?” Jack asks.
“Going really well. We’re booked solid for the next six months. I see a lot of dirty dishes in my future.”
“Dishes?” I ask. What does he mean? He has people for that sort of thing.
“Ren fills in wherever he’s needed at the restaurant. Saves a lot of money that way.”
“Truth,” Ren says. “Guess you could say I’m a jack-of-all-trades. I’m the owner, the accountant, and the manager. I mop floors, set tables, do dishes, and I even chop vegetables to help with dinner prep. Don’t forget cleaning the toilets. It’s a glamorous job, let me tell you.”
“I thought Exodus was doing well financially.”
“It is. Restaurants have a huge failure rate. But Exodus is thriving, making double what it made last year.”
“That’s amazing. Why don’t you hire people to do all of those jobs?” He lives and breathes at the restaurant. As the owner, I would assume he wouldn’t need to be there so often. A well-oiled machine should run on its own.
Jack answers for Ren. “Tranquility House is very expensive. Ren cuts corners wherever he can.”
Of course. I wondered about the cost of keeping Allison in such a nice place. It must be astronomical. No wonder Ren is always working, always trying to save on expenses. “I understand.”