Chapter 30
A WHOLE FUCKING TON OF TEARS
CLAIRE
By the time my rideshare pulled up to my parents house, I was one Christmas song away from bursting into tears.
I was tired and anxious and straight up having a terrible time.
I really took my cuddle session with Declan for granted on the flight over, because waiting for a standby flight on Christmas Eve and sitting alone was infinitely worse.
The driver helped me pull my bags out of the trunk and placed them on the sidewalk before pulling away. I looked up at the two story suburban home and closed my eyes.
Back to reality.
I wondered if anyone would even believe me when I told stories about Switzerland—if they’d believe me about Declan.
Honestly, it wasn’t anyone’s business. I knew the truth. I knew who I was, and what anyone else thought of me was none of my business.
I grabbed the handles of my suitcases and walked up to the front door.
Before I could even wrap my hand around the doorknob, the door swung open.
My eyes trailed from the bright green nail polish on her toes up to the Drufton Hills High sweatshirt that was three sizes too big to the dirty blonde hair piled on top of my beautiful sister’s head.
“Warner?” My voice came out as a croak.
“I’m here, Cee.”
I broke into a sob, collapsing into her arms. I didn’t realize how much I needed her until she was standing in front of me. I’d been on survival mode for so long, figuring it all out on my own that I forgot what it felt like to have people in my corner.
Maybe that was my own fault. Maybe I was afraid of what people thought. Maybe I was afraid of judgment. But, I wasn’t anymore.
Warner grabbed my bags and looped an arm around my shoulders, guiding me into the house. We walked straight up to my bedroom. Suddenly, the pale pink walls and white bedding no longer felt like me.
Warner dropped my suitcases and fell backwards onto my bed. She grabbed my wrist and pulled me down next to her. Staring at the ceiling, I finally took a deep breath.
“I don’t know what to do,” I said, not looking at her.
“You love him.”
It wasn’t a question.
“Yeah, I do.”
“But, you came home?”
“Yeah, I did.”
I looked over at Warner to see her staring back at me. It hadn’t even registered to me that I was crying again. Warner reached up and swiped her thumb under my right eye.
“Sorry, I’m a literal fuck ton of tears right now. I’m not sure how my body is retaining any water at this point,” I sobbed.
“I think we need some silly socks and a lot of liquor,” she said with a teasing smile.
For the first time since I left the chalet, I smiled. “I love that idea,” I agreed.
“Great, let’s go rally Dad to go to the store for us,” she said with a mischievous grin before pulling me to my feet.
“Wait, wait, wait. You’re telling me that Declan had this evil ex who showed up to ruin your life, and steal your boyfriend, and also you fucked him in a cable car?”
I snorted as I sipped my drink. I was much calmer than earlier and also a little drunk. “Technically, we did not have sex in the cable car.”
“Who the fuck are you?” She flicked a piece of popcorn at me as we both broke into laughter.
“I changed in Switzerland, War. I can’t explain it.” I picked at my s’mores popcorn, smiling softly as I thought of Declan.
“You seem different,” Warner said, nudging my knee.
We were sprawled out on the couch in the den with buckets of kitchen sink popcorn, and varying bottles of liquor.
Earlier, we convinced our Dad to go shopping for us on one condition: he did not have to participate in caroling tonight.
We agreed, but honestly we’d probably still make him.
It wouldn’t be Christmas Eve without torturing him at least a little.
“I’d never experienced anything like him before. He was grumpy but also sweet and hysterical. He was thoughtful and strong. Everything I ever wanted.” My eyes snapped to hers. “And my god, why did no one tell me that sex could be that good.”
Warner giggled, tossing more popcorn into her mouth. “I can’t believe that of the two of us, you were the one who had hot sex in the Swiss Alps. That was not on my yearly bingo card.”
I shrugged. “I’m evolving.”
Warner turned to me. “So, tell me about why you ran. I understand why you fell for him, but why leave? Maybe he felt the same way.”
I looked down at my drink. “We live in two different worlds. He lives in a world of luxuries and money. Ten grand necklaces and caviar. I live in a world where the best part of my year is silly socks.” I wiggled my toes in her face for dramatic effect. She laughed and swatted my foot away.
“Ever think that maybe he doesn’t want to be in that world?” she asked.
“Why wouldn't he? I mean you should have heard the comments some of his friends made. They made it very clear that Declan has a history of dating models and actresses. I was not up to par.”
“But did he say that?” Warner eyed me weirdly.
“What’s your point?”
“Look, I get it. He was from a different world and it was polarizing. You got a taste of his world and it got scary. A nasty bitch was awful to you, and we hate her. We really hate her. But what I’m not hearing is that you don’t want to be with him.”
I let Warner’s words sink in. Pressure built behind my eyes as I squeezed them shut. I knew I could feel it all. I knew emotions weren’t bad, but I didn’t want to feel this. It hurt too much.
My first real heartbreak.
“He lied to me, War. How do I trust him? Our whole “relationship” was built on a big lie. When the time came for him to be completely truthful, he chose to keep it a secret.”
“And he was wrong for that, but men are idiots.”
I laughed as tears fell. Warner pulled me into her side, my head falling to her shoulder.
“They are,” I said, sniffing and whipping my cheeks with the sleeve of my sweatshirt.
“I’m not saying you have to forgive him. You can be as mad as you want for as long as you want, but I like this new version of you. I like this girl who isn’t afraid anymore. Don’t lose her.”
I nodded as I reached across and took a piece of her popcorn that was mixed with six different kinds of sour candy.
“I’m so happy you came home,” I said softly.
“You needed me.” The sentiment was so simple but spoke volumes.
“Didn’t mean you had to show up. What about Alec?”
A shadow passed over Warner’s eyes but she quickly covered it with a smile. “He wasn’t super happy that I spontaneously flew to Texas, but he’ll get over it. Since I’m here, I’m going to stay through the New Year.”
“Well, I’ll be your New Year’s kiss.” I planted a loud, slobbery kiss on her cheek as she shrieked.
“Get off of me!” She yelled.
“Never. I’m the older sister, I live to torture you.”
She laced her fingers in mine. “I wouldn’t have it any other way, Cee.”
We watched every remake of the Grinch that night.
Eventually, my parents joined us on the couch.
We lit the Christmas tree and my Mom made peppermint bark.
When the movies were over, Warner sat at the piano in the living room and we forced my Dad to sing White Christmas.
He pretended to hate it but I saw the smile on his face as he wrapped his arms around Warner and me.
This was all I wanted this year. My little family, together again. For the first time in weeks, it felt right. It felt like even though we were getting older, maybe things didn’t have to completely change.
We were going to move away. We were going to get married and have kids.
Life was going to keep moving forward. But at the end of the day, what was important was the time we got together.
Traditions didn’t matter because they were traditions.
They mattered because they turned into core memories as we lived them.
As I looked around, there was no place I’d rather be than here.
Well… no place but one.
My mind drifted to Declan, as it had all night long.
We were supposed to be together tonight.
Now, while I was enjoying quality time with my family, he was alone in a foreign country.
That made me sad for him, knowing his family was so far away.
He lived his entire life for that company, and what did it get him?
I shook all thoughts of Declan out of my head. I would deal with him when he got back to Texas. For now, I was going to enjoy the little time I had with my entire family together.
It was my favorite type of luxury and I wasn’t taking it for granted.
The next morning, I woke up and stared at my phone. I willed the tears to stop but they wouldn’t.
Declan
Merry Christmas, Claire Bear.
I let my finger trace over the message as I read it over and over. Then, I clicked my phone closed and left it on read along with all of the other texts Declan had sent me since I disappeared into the night.